Alright, Mulder's turn. I don't know for sure what I want to do with him yet, so I'm thinking... The whole point of these first chapters is to set up the backstory that wasn't in the show so I can introduce new characters and so forth. This is all leading up to my idea for an XF3 movie. I think I'll do a letter to Scully from Mulder.
I do not own anything. I will make no monies. I am just a poor little insomniac who tries to quiet her brain and sleep by writing.
(Right after Momento Mori)
February 10th, 1997 -
My Dearest Scully,
I don't know what to say to you, I guess that is why I am writing this down. I don't know that I'll ever have the courage to give this to you, or to even come out and say what I'm thinking and ask you questions, but I read part of what you wrote to me, and you inspired me to organize my thoughts through words like you had.
Scully, you are the most amazing person I've ever known. You ground me in a way that I never thought could be possible. You keep me honest; to myself, work, and you. It pains me to see you go through what you now are. I hate that I can't help you, that I feel useless to help in your current struggle.
Making it worse is the fact I feel responsible for the war now raging inside you. They are doing this to you, not me, but as a result of our partnership. I don't understand why they deem it necessary, but I am sorry. So sorry. I wish it were me and not you.
I found something on this case, something I am afraid to tell you. I don't know how. You have so much going on right now, you are fighting for your life. It is something you deserve to know, should know, but I don't know how to bring it up, what to say to you. I found a part of you, a part I know you desperately would want back if you knew it were missing. Those bastards have taken so much from you, and now they are trying to take your life...
Scully, sweet Scully, I took what I found to a doctor. He is testing it, to see if there is even anything to tell you. As soon as I know I will, I would like to believe, I'll say something... I have to. I'll tell you everything. Everything that is vaguely contained in this letter. I find it hard to even write it out. You are nowhere near. There is a good chance my spine will stay in it's gelatinous state and you will never read this, yet I still can't write what I know. I won't. I can't accept they would do this to you. It is in-human. Nazi-level of cruelty.
I want to protect you Scully, make all the bad things go away. I want to hold you in my arms, tell you everything is going to be alright, and know in my heart that it isn't a lie. I can't though. They won't let me. As long as you are my partner, you are in danger. I can't do this without you though. I need you Scully. I need your strength, your quiet determination. I need to know that you have my back and I have yours. I'm selfish enough to not want you to leave. I need you to stay. More than I've ever needed anything.
I realize as I write this how many times I use the word, "I." I really am a selfish bastard. Most of this is all about how this affects me, want I want, what I need... All I want is for you to be safe and happy Scully. No wonder you blew up at me over a desk, it's a symptom of my selfish disease. Know though that the selfishness masks my need to make you safe and happy. All I want in life is for yours to be better.
I love you Scully.
-Mulder
He folded up the tear-stained, handwritten note and put it in his wallet, hoping someday he could talk to her about his feelings, the thoughts he never spoke, and the small vials with her name on them.