Clans of Pandora:
The Zaford and Hodunk Feud
Part Two: Crashing a Race: In More Ways Then One.
A Borderlands Fanfict.
By Indogma.
The Holy Spirits bar was a place of drink, (usually disgusting, weak, and overpriced), foul smells, (urine actually was a desirable scent to smell), and had an aura of pride of the two previous things. The daily patrons of the little pub were: the Zaford Elite, (Often the people one step way from a mental ward), the Zaford grunts, (the ones who belonged in a mental ward), and the Zaford family themselves, (the ones who blew up the mental ward, [it made of quite the firework show… in the middle of winter… well it would have if there was one on this planet begin with…]). In short it was a place one did not want to go to without a gun for protection.
As Maya and Gaige walked into the bar, they both paused at the doorway and let their noses readjust to the smell of the bar. After the pause, both silvered from the stench of the bar. After the welcoming smell, Maya and Gaige forced forward into the bar. After leaving the little room before the main bar, they entered into the bar itself. Looking around quickly, (for the stench was enough to drive a nose-less person away), they saw who they presumed was Mick Zaford wearing a green Derby hat and a green vest and serving people beer behind the bar.
Walking up to the bar, Maya took the lead of the two of them, and walked ahead of Gaige. As they arrived at the stained wooden bar, the man in the green derby then caught sight of the two girls walking up to the bar. Not recognizing them, he then walked up to the part of the bar they were heading and said with a think Irish accent, "Ain't seen the two of ya around 'ere before? What can I get ya?"
Maya sighed in her head, and responded, faking her interest, "We heard your ECHO about looking for able body gunslingers."
"We're here to kick some Hodunk ass!" Added Gaige enthusiastically. Maya sighed again, wondering why she had even agreed to help out with this mission. Then the weight of her pants reminded her why. She was out of money. Personally she would rather be hanging out with Lilith, and learning from her all that she could about the Sirens. But with the idea of not having enough money for facing Handsome Jack was enough to have her get out into Pandora and do odd jobs.
At least this mission was better then the alternative Maya was offered back in Sanctuary. Moxxi offered a job for Maya, (I do not need to elaborate as to what the job entitled Maya to do, but I will say she was far more sustainable to frostbite in the work Moxxi offered), but she preferred to murder stupid clansmen then to murder her self-image. That's why she was here, to get money.
In fact the rest of the Vault Hunters were low on cash, except Zero, (god knows where he gets his money). Turns himself in for the reward money, and then kills everyone after getting paid? I could see Zero doing that. But more then likely he wrote haikus and sold them for a quick buck. Anyway that is why the five vault hunters were doing odd jobs for everyone.
Anyway all of their wallets were dry and they needed money to fill them.
"Well you've come to the right place, boyo!" Said Mick. "What's ya experience? Mercs? Ex-Military?"
"Vault Hunters," answered Maya.
"Even better!" Smiled the man. There was a certain image that came with the name "Vault Hunter," while most of the natives of Pandora believed in the vault, they believed that those who came to search for it to be a certain kind of stupid. Just the kind stupid Mick was looking for. "That'll do! Welcome to the Zaford family! Let me get ya your two welcoming drinks!"
"Are they free?" Asked Gaige excited.
"Jus the first one, the rest you gotta pay for yerself!" Said Mick, grabbing a mug and placed it under the spout. Gaige stared at the mug with amazement, excited for her first taste of alcohol. As he pulled the tab, drops of the liquor dripped from the spout and nothing more. "Damn it's run dry!" Cursed Mick. He slammed down the mug hard on the bar and yelled, "Those Hodunks destroyed my distillery!"
"Those redneck bastards!" Said Gaige slamming her robotic arm on the bar as well, and made a large indent with her metal hand.
"Gaige," sharply whispered Maya, "we were the ones who blew up the alcohol."
"Oh yeah…" remembered Gaige dissipating her anger into thin air.
Fortunately Mick was far to angry to have listened into the conversation, "That's it! The truce is off!" He then jumped on the bar and declared, "Lads, the war with the Hodunks is back on!" Everyone in the bar then raised there mugs and cheered to the idea, and began to pour down the liquid into their mouths. Gaige just flopped her head in misery watching everyone else enjoy their drinks. "Drink up lads! Cause that's the last bit of booze we are gonna 'ave for awhile!"
Instantly everyone stopped drinking their mugs, and looked into them to see how much of the precious alcohol was in their glass. And that is when the fight started. No one knows for certain how it started, but I can say for certain, (I am writing it this story after all) it was when on of the grunts (let's call him Mike for clarification) tried to cabbage another grunt's (Chuck's) drink. Now Chuck had territorial issues, and I use the term "issues" to make it sound better then it actually was; cross his fence, one got a bullet to the head; take a pea from his dinner plate, one got a free homemade piercing, in their hand, with what ever utensil Chuck would be using, (could be a fork, knife, spoon, or even a spork); steal his beer: he was going to retaliate. And he did.
Unlike most bar fights, this fight just started, there was no build up to it, no forewarning, and no tense moment before the fight to contemplate whether or not the fight would continue or they would just laugh it off. It took one punch, and then everyone was fighting.
As the fight started up, Mick turned to the Maya and said, "Are ya ready lass fer ya first job?"
Maya sighed in her mind looked at the into the bar, she needed any reason to get of out the bar and away from being involved from the fight. Nodding slowly, she agreed to the job. "Great, lass! Follow me!"
As Mick walked away from the bar, the blue haired siren followed at a distance, (with her phase powers ready, and her pistol ready, just to be safe). After a few steps, she noticed she was following Mick alone, without Gaige following her.
She turned to Gaige and saw her still at the bar, sitting on a stool, and had her cheek on the wood, (not the first place one would want to lay one's cheek… but she didn't care), with a disappointed look on her face. "Are you coming?" Asked Maya.
Gaige didn't moving, "Go on without me… I am in mourning for the beer I will never have… now I know why Axton was being moody…" Maya just rolled her eyes and shook her head. Quickly turning to follow Mick, she left Gaige at the bar, but not alone… she had a companion. Or the best thing to a companion at this bar there was. There was a lone teddy bear in a rotatable chair, facing Gaige. As the red haired girl stared into the teddy's eyes and asked, "Didn't get any beer?" The bear didn't blink, but Gaige took that as a "yes". "Yeah. Me neither…"
Meanwhile, Maya was trying to be brief about being briefed my Mick, (pun and suggestive! I think…). After entering the basement, Mick opened a chest and revealed four pieces of old TNT, (a dated and almost inefficient weapon of explosion.), and gave Maya the just of the revenge plan. "If there is one thing that the Hondunks love more then getting to second base with their sisters—" Maya had a gross image pass threw here mind and almost stuck out her tough to say "Eww…," but Mick continuing on stopped her cold. "—it's cars."
"Now lay that those TNT on the race tract that the Hodunks have and plant the charges on the crates of fire works that they have on the bridge every race."
Why do they have that many fireworks? Thought Maya. It's a interesting story actually, and if you care to skip the story and go back to the action please continue reading after the *ding*. You see, Pandora was more then just a brutal lawless wasteland that housed the Vaults, it was every major company's dumping ground for rejected projects. Which raised the planet's value to 2 dollars… (up 300% from what it was). But the planet was home to many misfit items. Like the Hyperion dual stomach pump and vacuum cleaner, (bad idea), or the mouthwash soda-pop (crazy idea, but might have worked, if not for the side effects), and the My Little Bunny wresting set, (it killed over 500 people in just sales alone [in the stampedes to buy just the damn thing], but was eventually recalled due to too many kids breaking bones and or dying using it, which was laced in radioactive paint… yeah that needed to be recalled).
This was the case for a certain toy/firework company, Not For Kids Toys. NFKT and it's CEO Kelly Manandle, (a in the closet pyromaniac), attempted to launch a new brand of fireworks, called the Pyromaniacs' Always-there Pal, (Or PAPs), a type of firework that please even the most fickle fire lover, and at the same time be able to be distributed to everyone who wanted them. The two ideas conflicted with each other right from the get go. Forced to make a choice, Manandle decided to go big, and have a firework for the average pyromaniac to love, and make the claim that it was "safe" for the general public, (Manandle used the assumption that everyone had some experience with high grade-explosives).
Four dozen missing limbs later, the Not for Kids Toys company was bankrupt from lawsuits, and Manandle buying his own product on credit. Ironically, the Torgue Corporation tried to bail out the Toy company, (since Mr. Torgue had a My Little Bunny [also made by the Not for Kids Toys] wresting set and was enamored with it), but his investors locked him in his office for three weeks with the complete wresting series of Space Wresting. Needless to say, he was preoccupied.
Anyway back to the surplus of fireworks; due to the sudden bankruptcy of the NFKT, and the sudden death of Kelly Manandle, (he died in a blaze of glory, strapped himself to a large firework and lit the fuse), the company had over thirteen warehouses full of fireworks that they needed to dispose of. And what better place then the dumping ground of every major company, Pandora. Now where the Hodunks come in this is simple, the dumping grounds where fireworks were placed, was less then twenty feet from the Hodunk clan camp.
*Ding*
Are you reading now? That was a test to see if you'd check. If you did no read the little side story, you just save yourself a few minutes. And if you did not and read it all, then you have just used several minutes of you life… to read that. That's about three minutes or more of your life, gone. Never to be used again. That time could be used making money, or investing to find the love of your life. Instead you choose to use it with this? And you are still doing it, with this… makes ya think…doesn't it?
*Ding* (for real this time).
Maya then grabbed all four TNT bundles and stuck them into her inventory. "Now off with ya, I'll be up at the bar if ya need me…" shooed Mick. Maya was happy to be done with the Zaford clan leader, and walked up to the bar briskly to Gaige to get out of the smelly bar.
Maya found the red haired girl spinning around a spin able armchair with a teddy bear on it. "Gaige," ordered Maya, "come on, lets go."
"But Maya, you have to see this," said Gaige, spinning the chair around again. This time the teddy bear had a small stack of money on it's lap. "See!" Gaige said excitedly.
But Maya did not even turn to see and remained oblivious to the bear's trick. "Let's go," she again. Walking out of the bar. Gaige quickly chased after the siren, leaving the stuffed teddy bear on the chair.
Outside, Axton sat on the turret of the Vault Hunter's vehicle, his feet propped on the turret's side pointing towards the bar and watched the bar for the two other Vault Hunters with the bar. He sighed angrily, and pushed a small straw into a juice box he found in the glove box. With one gulp, the juice was gone, and Axton was without a means to by the time.
Then the door open, and the two Vault Hunters came out of the bar. Tossing the empty juice box on the ground, Axton asked, "So what's the plan girls?"
"Crash a race…" said Maya quickly, as she hopped into the driver's seat.
Axton gaze darted from Maya, who was unresponsive to his look of confusion, to Gaige who had just hopped onto the technical's bed, and lean over the turret's back to asked, "Dose she mean figurative or liiiIIIIT—" As Maya stepped on the gas, the lurch forward and caused the commando to fall out of the turret and into the bed of the technical.
As Maya shifted out of first gear forcefully, Axton grabbed his bruised head and commented to Gaige, "You know, I can wait to find out."
Slowing pulling into the trailer camp, the three Vault Hunters kept on their guard. The camp looked like a out of work hillbilly interior decorator had gotten drunk one night, designed the camp, (both inside and out because he felt that doing interior work was "not being depicted for the world— everybody should see my work" and wanted to add to his résumé, due to his current unemployment) by vomiting all over the design.
If Pandora had a trailer park, the Hodunk camp made that look posh in comparison.
Anyway, the three Vault Hunters slowly drove into the camp, past the fallen tire with the Zaford clover stuck on the top. All eyes then turned to them, they were strangers in a family gathering. Noticing the unwelcoming
Soon the three were on the MoonShinner Bridge, were the crates of fireworks were placed already. It was called that, (here we go again, the *ding* will tell when it is done), because of a long time ritual that the Hodunks had called moon shining. Different from the drink "Moonshine", moon shining was a tradition started by a drunk Hodunk figurehead, (back before the many generations of incest, no body remembers his name, only what crazy stunts he did while drunk). What happens is when a man reaches a certain age on a full moon, (I say that because the Hodunks cannot really could count higher then ten and therefore age really does not matter to them, if I had to guess when they reach the allotted age they could be between 8 and 34… yeah the Hodunks where not the keenest of a person's age…), the clan would get the individual drunk (to the point were he could not even talk), strip him naked and have him run to the very top of the bridge, were all of the elders have a paddle and had the man then receive the "paddling of manhood" with every slap he yell, "I can take it, for I am a man!" When all of the elders had spanked the man, he then turned his back to the moon, and mooned it from the bridge. Having his pale ass shine in the moon light for all to see (hence the term moonshine). However he had to be careful (despite being drunk), if not he would take on two many steps back and fall of the edge of the cliff and land head first in to the sands below. Probably killing him.
Presently, the concept of moon-shining had taken on a new role from a "coming of age" ceremony to a display of contempt to Hyperion and Handsome Jack, (since the big ass "H" covered the moon and was impossible to miss). So whenever one felt angry at Handsome Jack, for any reason, or no particular reason, they would go on Moonshiner Bridge, and moon Handsome Jack.
*ding*
"Let's get this over with," sighed Maya handing out the TNT.
"Is this all that we have?" Asked Gaige referring to the dated and ineffective idea of using TNT.
"It's all Mick gave us," explained Maya, "Just put it on the creates and lets blow this race."
Gaige sighed, but follwed Maya orders, along with Axton. Soon all but one of the creates had an extra dose of power added to them, and now all the Vault hunter had to do was wait, and to light to fireworks at the right time.
"Hey whatch ya all doing down 'ere?" Came a cheerful voice from behind them. Together all three pulled out their weapons and look am in the direction of the voice expecting to be found out. At the beginning of the bridge, there was a shack at on the top of a platform and… you know what? You know what it looks like. So I am not going waste your time describing it, or explaining why you know it, (I mean if you did not play the game you would not be here, right?), or waste your time explaining you know it. Although I just did… and now I am wasting your time even further… goddammit…
"Oh, ya all are down 'ere checkin' the fireworks?" The man asked.
Axton Gaige and Maya looked at each other, the idiot did not realize what they were doing.
"Yeah," yell Axton playing along with it.
"That's cool," replied the man returning to his couch.
"You guys keep working on the TNT," smiled Axton, "I can take care of the Hodunk." Before Maya could interject, Axton was off to "off" the Hodunk grunt.
"What do you think he has in mind?" Asked Gaige.
"Something stupid, I can imagine…" said Maya walking to the final create
"Hey buddy, I gotta bet for you."
"Really what is it?" Asked the Hodunk grunt.
"I bet you a thousand dollars that you cannot stand in front of this box for ten seconds," goaded Axton holding up his condensed turret box.
"Really? All's I got's to do is stand in fron' of the box for 'en seconds?"
Axton nodded, "You bet! Do we have a deal?"
"Hell ya!"
"Ok," said Axton making a frame with his hands and motioning him to stand over by the raining. "Stand right there." The man did as Axton requested. "Alright, you ready?" The Hodunk nodded. "Here we go," said Axton throwing the box down on the ground. Instantly his turret, (named Camilla, at least that if what Axton called her, I mean I am assuming he did name it. I mean I can imaging that he would because he calls it his "girlfriend"), formed from the box with it's long sleek barrel pointing directly at the guy.
"Hey, tha's pretty co—" the Hodunk grunt got no further before the bullets started flying. Poor bugger never even had a chance. After the first burst of maybe ten 50 cal bullets, the man then gave a scream of pain and fell over the rail into the track below.
After the body was gone, Axton ran up to the rail to see Maya and Gaige walking back and shouted, "We're good!"
Maya and Gage glanced at each other, somehow Axton had done it.
Moving a couple hours ahead, the three then camped out on top of the tower where the pyrotechnic expert (pyrotechnic expert, Ha! The only reason he was a "expert" was because he managed to blow up his trailer and two and a half of his neighbors' trailers in a experiment when he was tried to make a kind of beer from urine… gross…), was seated before waiting for the race to start. As they waited the three spent their precious time doing the most important things, like checking their guns, or making sure they had a full clip in them and most importantly, cleaning their individual bullets of dirt and grim on them from who ever owned them before. By the time the race started the three had the cleanest bullets in Pandora in their gun clips. Needless to say the three were grateful for the sound of the engines starting and the race beginning.
Gaige stood up from the couch and declared, "I call dibs on the explosives!" as she rushed for the plunger. When the job of plunger pusher was assigned the three crouched down and waited.
"It's RACE TIME Hodunks! THREE! TWO! ONE! BURN RUBBER." Came a loud voice over the speaker.
"About goddamn time…" sighed Maya.
"The cars have hit the roundabout, I can hardly believe my eyes!" Updated the announcer. Slowly the sound of three cars began to creep up from the canyon below and grow with every second.
Gaige swallowed excitedly, as the cars not nearer to them. "Keep you eyes on the bridge race car fans- your gonna see some sweat-ass jumps!" The cars were upon them now, and just turning the long curve that looped behind the tower they were on.
Gaige turned her head and saw the cars speeding up as they neared the bridge. "The cars have almost reached the fireworks, prepare for AWESOME!" It was time.
As soon as the cars flew on the Moonshine Bridge, Gaige pushed down on the plunger. After and awkward second, the bridge was engulf with a massive fireball with little streams and tails of fireworks shooting up through the fireball.
"Take that you redneck hicks!" Shouted Gaige.
"That a girl!" Shouted Axton sharing the same excitement as Gaige had. Even Maya cracked a smile, the feeling of blowing stuff up was a great stress relief for her. (Seriously it is, I do it all the time. It's better then aroma therapy, especially if it on your neighbors property or to someone else's stuff, like my neighbor's viper, who drives it at the dead of night with the bass turned up to 150 decibels and it breaks all of the nearby windows of the houses as he drives by! *Pant* *Pant* Oh, that reminds me I have to pick up some C—firewood! I need firewood! Hahaha… you didn't read this.)
As the three looked triumphantly at the debris of the cars, a survivor car drove through the smoke and made the jump off the bridge, destroying the relief the three vault hunters had.
"We have a runner!" Shouted Axton. Together all three ran for the technical to gun down the final vehicle. As they arrived at the technical, Maya and Axton unintentionally jumped in the back of the vehicle. As soon as they saw each other the same thought came across their mind, "Gaige was driving."
I guess now would be a good time to mention that Gaige was the worst driver for the five of them. I cannot stress enough: THE. WORST. DRIVER. OF. THE. GROUP. She is so bad that Zero fears for his, hers, it's life when she drives, (I am sure Zero is a male… but I have my doubts…). And she was not the worst driver of the group because she was a girl, she was just one of those naturally poor drivers that never could drive in a straight line sober… or drunk for that matter.
As soon as they realized that, the Technical's gears shifted hard and the two lurched back as the vehicle speed forward. Grabbing the sides of the bed of the technical, Maya and Axton hanged on for their lives. As the technical cleared the bridge and began to speed up after the bandit's car, the two passenger had recovered from the speed up and Maya was slowly crawling her way up the side of the bed to the turret of the technical, while Axton remained motionless as he held on to the side of bed and praying to whatever god he could think of, (for a while he even prayed to Claptrap hoping he was a deity in disguise… he wasn't).
As Gaige roughly steered the technical after the final Hodunk car, Maya hopped into the turret and began to launch the turret's barrels at the car, but with Gaige's poor driving Maya was unable to hit anything.
"Can you drive any straighter?" Demanded Maya launching another barrel that just animated in from God knows where that missed the target.
"I'm trying!" Said Gaige, veering to one side. "Well try harder," retorted Maya. "Axton!"
"What?" Said Axton stained from the back of the vehicle.
"Do something!" Demanded Maya.
"Does holding on for my life count?"
"Just kill those Hodunks!"
"Fine…" Said Axton giving in. "Gaige, can we get in front of them?"
"I can't go any faster!" Protested the Mechromacher.
"Press the farthest left pedal and pull the stick to the right down."
"What does that do?"
"It shifts gears! Just do it!" The girl shifted the technical out of first gear, and moved it to second.
Feeling the shift of the gears and the increase of speed, it was like Gaige discovered gold, "AWE-some!" Now going at a better speed, Axton explained how to get into 3rd gear, the technical was able to catch up with the final racer. Maya was still having trouble with the turret, and could not even land one barrel on the Hodunk's car.
For some odd reason, the Hodunk car instead of running away, you know from the three people trying to kill them, they decided to keep on racing AND run away from the people trying to kill them. Because, you know, they wanted to win the race. By now the two of them had almost made a complete circle around the track, and were heading up the hill towards the bridge.
As they rounded the turn the technical and the Hodunk vehicle were neck and neck. "Axton, NOW!" Shouted Maya.
Axton then readied a grenade and smiled, "Hey you know what my favorite—"
"Potato masher, we know! Just throw the fucking thing!" Said Maya. Now that Axton's setup was ruin, he threw his grenade. It was a perfect throw, as if he was a pitcher for a baseball team. The little items with such explosive force, landed right on the Hodunk's driver lap.
"Bullseye! Go Gaige! Get out of here!" The girl didn't need to be told twice, she floored the gas the technical. Within second the technical was on the bridge and racing for the jump, with the Hodunk car right behind them. The next second was like from and action movie, as the Vault Hunter's technical jumped off the bridge, the Hodunk's car blew up and a fireball from the Hodunk launched forward to make a perfect action shot from the front view of technical.
With a hard thump, the technical's shock felt the earth's hard embrace and transferred the shock to the upper part of the vehicle into the vault hunters.
"Nice!" Shouted Gaige steering the technical towards an open cliff face and jumping off of it into the sands of the Dust below.
"Whoo-Hoo" came Ellie's voice from the Echo net. "I saw that explosions from here! C'mon back to my Garage while we wait for the Hodunks to want revenge for their messed up race tract. " Happy to have the race behind them the three vault hunters steered their way back to Ellie's garage. To what for their next mission.
End Notes
So this is the second chapter of this fanfict, I am I unsure if I am getting the humor down or not while adding my own humor to the fray.
Anyway, All the best.
Indogma