Biting the Hand that Feeds You
A Harry Potter fic by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.
Summer before Sixth Year...
Hermione Granger was lounging in a sunchair in her backyard, wearing a bikini and sunglasses. Her ears were covered with earphones and she relaxed to the soothing voice of David Tennant reading the audiobook version of Henry IV. She'd been initially suspicious of the revived Doctor Who series, but David Tennant had sold her on it. Hook, line, and sinker. And mixing intellectual pursuits with her teenaged fantasies was certainly something she could get behind.
"Yes, yes, sell that Falstaff David! Sell it!" Hermione sighed happily, her hands resting on her hips.
"Tis not due yet: I would be loth to pay him before his day. What need I be so forward with him that calls not on me? Well, 'tis no matter; Honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if Honour prick me off when I come on? how then?"
"Yes, yes, yessss..." Hermione hissed, hugging herself and allowing an almost girlish titter from her lips.
"Can Honour set to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery then? No. What is Honour? a word-"
"Hermione?" Her mother said, and Hermione yelped as she tried to cover herself. She only succeeded in sliding off the sunchair into the grass, face first.
"Oof!" She grunted. She got up onto all fours, and groaned as she rubbed her nose. "Ow ow ow...!"
"Sorry to interrupt your Tennant time," Amelia Granger said with a knowing smirk, "but you have a phone call."
"Ah? A phone call?" Hermione asked, pulling her headphones off and sheepishly placing them on the table next to her chair. "Who from?"
"Ron Weasley, I believe," Amelia said. She handed the phone to her daughter. Hermione nodded, sat on the chair and held the phone to her ear.
"Ron?"
"HERMIONE!" Ron shouted over the phone, and Hermione held the receiver away.
"Bloody hell Ron!" Hermione cursed. She looked apologetically at her mother, who just smiled, before she held it back up. "Speak normally! There's no need to shout!"
"Oh, sorry," Ron said. "I just can't figure out how my voice reaches all the way out there on this little wire!"
"It involves converting sound waves into electronic impulses..." She trailed off as she imagined Ron's blank expression, and sighed. "Nevermind. What is it?"
"Hermione, we could really use your help," Ron said quickly. "You see, we're running out of food."
Hermione blinked. "... Can't you go to the shop?"
"No no no, you don't understand," Ron said, "everyone's running out of food."
Hermione gaped. "Wha... What do you mean?!"
"The Twins will explain it once they get to your house," Ron said. Hermione scowled.
"Wait, what? The Twins?"
"Yeah, they were going to grab you and bring you to the Burrow," Ron said, "but I decided I should at least warn you first."
"Before I'm abducted?" Hermione asked sarcastically. Which flew over Ron's head as he cheerfully replied in the affirmative.
"Yep! Besides, having you here will er... Maybe make Mum stop pestering me."
"About...?" Hermione prompted.
"These marriage proposals we keep getting," he said. Hermione's eyebrows shot straight up.
"What?!"
"I'll explain when you get here! Promise!" Ron said urgently. Hermione sighed and rubbed her forehead.
"All right, all right... When will they get here?"
"Blimey!" Gasped a male voice above her.
"Hell yeah," gasped an identical voice. Hermione slowly looked up into what appeared to be thin air. This changed as an invisible flap opened, and George and Fred poked their heads out of what was some kind of invisibility construct. They grinned down at her as Hermione flushed in embarrassment.
"Hey Hermione! Why haven't you shown that off around school?" Fred crowed.
"Hubba hubba, you could stop traffic in that!" George added. Amelia Granger cleared her throat, and the Weasley twins looked up at her. They smiled apologetically.
"Beautiful home, ma'am," Fred said.
"And daughter. And yourself, too," George added. Amelia smiled.
"Thank you. Hermione will be ready to go shortly, as soon as you stop ogling her," she said. Hermione gaped in scandal at her mother.
"MUM!"
The Twins looked at eachother, and back to Hermione. Fred held his finger up.
"Just a minute more?" He asked. Ameila hummed.
"Well... If she's okay with showing off like that-"
"MUM!" Hermione screeched.
After dressing, Hermione mounted up with George on the back of his broom and they flew on to the Burrow under the invisibility shroud. She would have sat in front of him, but she remembered the last time she'd done that with a blush. So no, she would be behind him.
Off they flew over the countryside, over the cities and forests of Britain. It was a truly breathtaking sight, and Hermione appreciated it a bit. The height, not so much.
Fortunately, she was able to focus thanks to her old friend: Righteous Indignation.
"Fudge did WHAT?!" Hermione shouted in disbelief. George nodded.
"I know! Cut off all trade with the Muggle world!"
"Trying to appease the Death Eaters," Fred said.
"Very short sighted," George said.
"Doomed to failure," Fred said.
"So naturally, it appealed to them," George stated.
"Bureaucrats doing something stupid," Fred said with a dry expression.
"Who knew?" George shrugged.
"Practically unheard of," Fred stated.
Hermione sighed. "Right, so... What's your big issue?"
"Food," the twins said together. They flew down, and the tangled architecture of the Burrow came into view. They landed in front of it, where Ron was sitting on the steps. He stood up and grinned.
"Hermione! Thank Merlin!" He cried.
"What, no love for us?" Asked Fred.
"We're hurt," George said, his lip wobbling slightly. Ron rolled his eyes.
"She's a lot more useful than you guys!"
"True," George admitted.
"And prettier," Fred said, looking Hermione up and down. She blushed with an angry glare.
"Would you stop that! Look, what does the law actually say?"
George and Fred looked at each other. They looked at Ron. Ron pulled out a piece of parchment, and unfurled it. He cleared his throat.
"'Henceforth, it is illegal to exchange legal tender in the form of Galleons, Sickles, Knuts or magical artifacts with the Muggle world for any form of trade,'" Ron read. Hermione blinked.
"Didn't you guys think about... Just exchanging your money for Muggle money?"
George and Fred shrugged. "We would, but..."
"How much is a few measly Galleons going to get us in Muggle money?" Asked Fred.
"And besides, how much food will we get out of a Muggle shop?" George asked, shrugging.
Hermione looked back and forth between all three of them. She sighed.
"Hang on... Take me to the nearest Muggle town?"
It was a quick jaunt on broomstick to the nearest town. They landed in a small park, and walked out to the sidewalk. Ron looked around as cars passed by and people walked around. He blinked.
"Man... This is really amazing!" He grinned and stepped out into the street. "That's awesome! That car looks like a Hippogriff!"
Hermione yanked Ron out of the road, and the car passed by with loud beeps of its horn.
"WATCH IT YOU PIKEY!" Shouted the driver out the window. Ron frowned.
"Pikey...?"
"Come on," Hermione sighed. She dragged all three of them to the nearby bank. She walked up to the teller, who smiled cheerfully at her.
"Hello, how may we help you today?" She asked. Hermione held out the single Galleon and placed it on the counter.
"I'd like the value of this coin in pounds Sterling, please?"
The teller blinked, but shrugged. "Ah, certainly ma'am!"
"What's a single galleon going to get us?" Ron complained. The teller went into the back room, and conferred with several other employees. Hermione waited patiently. Finally, the teller returned with a smile. She opened the register, and began counting out pound notes. Ron, Fred and George watched.
"Right... That's one thousand, two hundred and fifty pounds Sterling," the teller said cheerfully. "Any further business today?"
"Oh no, that'll be all," Hermione said cheerfully, taking the money. "Thank you."
"So, paper money? What are we going to be able to buy with all that?" Ron asked.
"Clearly, the money represents an agreed upon value," George surmised.
"Rather than being a measure of pure concrete value," Fred suggested. Hermione smiled.
"Very good, you two!"
Ron scowled and crossed his arms. "So? It's abstract stuff. I'm not that great at it, I'll admit. But you need guys good at practical thinking! Down to earth stuff!"
Hermione nodded. "Of course, of course."
"So, what's our next stop?" Ron asked.
"The super market," Hermione smiled.
"Super... Market?" Ron asked.
At the entrance to the market, Hermione just smirked. She looked back at Fred and George, who were suitably impressed. When she came to Ron, however...
"... Super market...? You undersold it, Hermione!" Ron gasped. "This... This is a temple of food! I never knew such places could exist!" He walked into the market, dazed. His eyes were wide as he took in the glorious sights around him. He stumbled near a table where an old lady held up tiny weenies on sticks.
"Would you care for a free sample?" She asked kindly. Ron actually teared up.
"F-Free...?" He hugged her. "You... You are a wonderful, wonderful woman! A goddess of a bountiful harvest!"
"Ah... Well, thank you lad...?" The woman said uncertainly.
Fred and George glanced at each other.
"This is not entirely unexpected," Fred commented.
"Kind of predictable, really," George said.
"That he'd go nuts over so much food in one place?" Hermione asked dryly.
"No, that he'd be so eloquent about food," Fred said.
"Also the going mad over it, yes," George said with a nod.
It was night when Hermione, Ron and the Twins returned to the Burrow, their groceries enchanted to fly behind their brooms. Hermione rode along with Ron this time, and sagged slightly against him in fatigue.
"Geez... So much to buy..." She mumbled. Ron grinned.
"And we afforded it all?! Really? Wow! Ya mean, our Galleons are worth that much?"
"In a manner of speaking," Hermione said. "You can't melt it down otherwise charms placed on them will alert the goblins. That said, my parents exchange their pounds for Galleons for me all the time." She frowned thoughtfully, even in her exhaustion her keen mind working overtime. "I suppose Muggleborns by their very nature are exempt from trading with the Muggle world. As long as we don't use wizard money for purchases itself, and we don't melt down the coins..."
"Then we're set!" Ron said happily. "Oh man, Mum is going to love you Hermione!"
"She might not if anyone cottons onto what we're actually doing," Hermione warned. Ron scoffed.
"What, are you crazy? People are starving here!"
"Ron, the point of a black market is for it to be secret," Hermione lectured at him. But since the topic was something decidedly un-Hermione, Ron didn't feel the need to just flat out lapse into a bored stupor. The Twins flew up on either side, boxing Hermione in.
"You know, for such a good girl you have quite the naughty side, Hermione," George commented.
"All sorts of hidden facets to you," Fred added.
Hermione looked between the Twins and flushed. "What's that supposed to mean?" She demanded.
"Oh! Look! Home!" Ron shouted, bringing his broom down. The Twins and their groceries followed, and they slid into a perfect landing right in front of the Burrow. Molly Weasley came out, Ginny a step behind her. The red-headed matriarch gasped in amazement.
"Where... Where did you get all this food?!" She cried. "And in...?" She took out a can of beans and frowned at it. "Cans?"
"Hermione helped us out!" George said.
"Found a loophole in the law, so to speak," Fred stated.
"Exchanged our Galleons for Muggle money," George went on.
"Nobody caught us, or nobody cares," Ron suggested. Molly gasped.
"What?! You mean we're...?"
"The law is written so vaguely that we can probably get away with it," Hermione said carefully. "But we need to keep it secret."
"Right," Molly said. "Fred! George! Start setting up some fields! I'll put together some crops. Ronald, put all this away with Ginny! And Hermione?"
"Ah, yes Mrs. Weasley?" Hermione asked nervously. Molly beamed and hugged her tightly.
"I can't begin to thank you enough," she sighed.
"Mmph... J-Just doing the right thing, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione said quickly with a bit of a smile. It was impossible not to with this caliber of hug. Molly grinned a bit.
"You know, I can't just let such a thing like this slide," she said. "Tell me..." And here she glanced at her boys, hard at work, "any of them... Catch your fancy?"
Hermione gaped. "M-Mrs. Weasley!"
"I'm just saying! You can already keep them in line, that's very useful," Molly said.
"You don't have to marry off your sons to me Mrs. Weasley, it's fine!" Hermione insisted.
"Why? What's wrong with them?" Molly demanded, suddenly on the offensive. Hermione pushed back from Mrs. Weasley's arms and shook her head.
"Nothing! I mean... Well, some things but I'm just not interested in marriage right now! I mean, I have to finish school, figure out my future...!"
Molly sighed. "Oh. I see. I guess it wasn't precisely fair of me to put such expectations on you," she said. She shrugged. "It was... Well, rather desperate to be honest. We have so little, and the old ways of marriage to secure alliances and so on... I didn't mean to offend you, dear."
"No offense intended, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione said with a smile. "I mean, you haven't made any formal arrangements or magical contracts over it, so no harm done!"
"Ah... Oh... Yes," Molly said, frowning suddenly. Hermione frowned back.
"Mrs. Weasley?"
"Oh, it isn't anything to do with you, dear," Mrs. Weasley said quickly. "I just recall I brought the subject up with my husband, and I..." She shook her head and laughed. "No, no! He wouldn't!" She turned to head into the house, and Hermione followed. "All the same, I think I'll just call him up and tell him-"
The fireplace burst into green flame, and Mr. Weasley appeared. He wasn't the only one though: Luna Lovegood burst out of the flames, tumbling a bit before getting to her feet. She brushed her skirt and long apron off, and adjusted her blouse straps. Hermione's eyes bugged out a bit: Her attire made her look like some sort of... Housewife?
"Honey, I'm home!" Arthur said cheerfully. "And guess who I brought?" He grinned and held out his arm to show off Luna. Luna smiled dreamily, and bowed.
"Hello Mrs. Weasley," she said. "I'm quite happy to be joining your family. May I call you Mum? Or would you prefer Mummy?"
"... Arthur," Molly began with a growl. Ron came into the kitchen, carrying a few loaves of bread.
"Ah? Dad? Luna? What's she doing here?" He asked. Luna beamed.
"I'm so glad you asked that, Ronald," she said cheerfully. "And as my husband, you have every right to know what I'm doing and who I'm doing."
Ron's jaw dropped and his face burned bright red. "Hwah-OOF!"
And Luna pounced him to the floor, kissing him feverishly. Arthur chuckled as Hermione and Molly gaped.
"ARTHUR WEASLEY!" Molly roared. Arthur coughed.
"Ah, yes! Luna, dear! You should wait until after the ceremony for that!"
"CEREMONY?!" Molly screamed.
"H-Hermione! Help!" Ron gasped just before Luna resumed examining his tonsils. Hermione coughed, and slowly backed away for the door.
"Good luck with that, Ron!" She said with a wave.
"HERMIONEEEEE!"
It took several minutes for Molly Weasley to separated Luna from Ron's lips, retrieve Hermoine from her escape, and get the Twins and Ginny to stop laughing. Manage it she did though, and they were all seated in the Burrow sitting room. Ron was sitting on the couch, with Luna cuddled up to him. Hermione sat in an armchair with a pout and blush as the Twins had bound her with their newest invention: Shibari Surprise. The Twins themselves were sitting on another couch, looking quite pleased with themselves. Ginny sat on the floor, scowling because she had to sit on the floor. And the Weasley parents stood on either side of the couch Ron and Luna sat on, arguing.
"I cannot believe you just-just married Ron off like that!" Molly said indignantly.
"Now now, dear, relax," Arthur said, his hands raised in self defense. "This will work out just fine! I mean, we've known the Lovegoods for quite some time-"
"They're fifteen!" Molly shrieked. Arthur shrugged.
"So? It's just a few years earlier than we married-"
"NOT THE POINT! Who do you think you are, Lucius Malfoy? Marrying off our youngest son!" Molly huffed. She glared death at her husband. "I wasn't even told!"
"Neither was I!" Ron squeaked, as Luna continued to cuddle him.
"Quiet Ron," Molly ordered. She glared at Arthur. "I cannot believe this! You went behind my back and everything-!"
"Dear, please!" Arthur said. "Think of it this way. Luna's father has been getting a lot of heat for his work with the Quibbler. Marrying Luna off helps make her more secure than she otherwise would be, and strengthens our bonds with her family!"
"I really don't know why I'm still here," Hermione interjected, squirming in her bondage.
"Am I also to marry Hermione?" Luna asked. Ron and Hermione blushed.
"WHAT?!"
"Well, group marriages are legal in the wizarding world are they not?" Luna said, tilting her head. "I suppose I wouldn't mind having my own wife, since Ronald has me as one. Rather fair, really."
"How are you so calm about this?!" Ron demanded of his new bride. Luna smiled, and snuggled up to him. The youngest Weasley boy squeaked.
"Because I'm getting precisely what I want," she said dreamily. "A big family, a wonderful husband, and access to all the Slopworts I can flense."
"What," Hermione deadpanned. Luna nodded.
"Slopworts. Very dangerous. But when flensed, they carry no secrets and you can keep them as contraceptives," she said, as though it was obvious to anyone. "Everyone knows that."
"Of course," Hermione muttered, rolling her eyes. "Could someone please untie me?"
"Still kind of experimental," George said.
"Can't argue with the results though," Fred leered. Hermione glared with her most indignant expression, but the Twins just grinned right back.
"Nevertheless, I am not happy at all about this!" Molly said flatly. Ron smiled.
"Thanks Mum!"
"I mean, we didn't even have a proper ceremony!" Molly hissed. Ron's face fell.
"What?!"
"Oh, yes Mrs. Weasley," Luna said with a smile. "I would like a proper ceremony as well. Nothing huge, just something small, cozy, with Tesla coils to keep the Nargles out."
"Certainly dear, and you can call me Mum," Molly said with a warm smile. Arthur seemed to relax, even as his youngest son did not. Molly glared at her husband.
"Don't think you're off the hook!"
Arthur sighed. "I didn't think I was."
"MUM! DAD!" Ron screeched. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!"
"Well you are, and you're certainly not going to divorce her!" Molly sniffed. "Unless Hermione has some objections?" She looked over at Hermione hopefully. Ron, aghast, shook his head frantically while Luna played with the threads of his jumper. Hermione scowled.
"I'm still tied up."
"Well you can still answer my question, right?" Molly asked.
"Hermione! Come on, help me! Get me out of this!" Ron cried. Luna didn't seem hurt, she just hummed a little tune as she toyed with Ron's hair.
"Can you get me out of this?" Hermione asked sweetly. Ron blinked, and looked to the Twins. They just smiled. He sighed and looked back at Hermione.
"Well, not right now but-!"
"Then deal with it," Hermione growled. Ron gaped.
"HERMIONE! Shouldn't you be outraged at the-the... The breach of justice? The social abuse? The-The abuse of my rights?"
"Little hard to be worried about that when I'm still. Tied. Up," Hermione said flatly. "And in any case, I'd have to look into Wizarding Law..." She trailed off and looked at Molly and Arthur. "And besides," she added, "your parents seem just fine with it."
Ron gaped, betrayed. "HERMIONE!"
"RONALD!" Luna shouted. At everyone's looks, she shrugged. "I didn't want to be left out. Ronald, can you yell my name now?"
"Wha...?" Ron sighed. "Luna."
"We'll have to work on that," Luna sighed, again playing with Ron's sweater threads. The redhead blushed.
"LUNA!"
The blonde girl beamed.
"That's better!"
"Ginny!" Ron tried desperately. Ginny looked at her parents.
"You didn't marry me off, did you Dad?" Ginny asked. Arthur shook his head.
"No."
"Good!" Molly cried.
"And you're not going to any time soon?" Ginny further inquired.
"Of course not, dear," Molly sighed.
"And not without telling me first?" Ginny asked again. Her parents shook their heads. Ginny smiled, rose, and walked upstairs.
"Fine by me! Luna, if you want to talk my door's always open!"
"Thank you Ginny!" Luna said happily. Ron managed to disentangle himself from his wife and got up.
"Can I-?"
"Show your wife to your room? Of course dear," Molly said. Ron felt his arm in Luna's deathgrip again, and he sighed.
"Right," He mumbled. "C'mon..." He sulked his way upstairs, Luna following after with a dreamy look in her eyes. The Twins made good their escape as well, as the Weasley parents went into the kitchen to continue their argument...
"... ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO UNTIE ME?!" Hermione shrieked.
Ginny had taken off to do something alone, so Hermione was staying in her room. She read a book on charms while sitting on the guest bed, while Luna sat next to her with a cheerful smile. She was kicking her legs excitedly, and let out happy sighs every thirty-two seconds exactly. Hermione counted. At long last, she could no longer ignore her friend and looked over at her.
"Luna?" She asked.
"Oh Hermione, it's just... Wonderful," Luna said happily. "I'm a married woman. Married to the man of my dreams."
Hermione stared at the blonde in disbelief so hard, she shut her book. Luna continued to smile on, oblivious.
"Ah... Well..."
Luna frowned.
"You don't consider Ronald to be the man of my dreams?" Luna asked.
"Well... Er..."
"He's not who you would consider to be the man of your dreams?" Luna asked. Hermione coughed, and rubbed her cheek.
"Well, I didn't say that..."
"So you'd be interested in-"
"No! No, I didn't mean that!" Hermione said quickly, raising her hands in defense. "I'm not-I-I mean I-!"
"You've thought about it?" Luna pressed.
"I'm... I'm not trying to move in on Ron, really! You have nothing to worry about!" Hermione insisted, leaping to the obvious conclusion. Luna smiled and shook her head.
"Oh no Hermione, I'm not worried about that."
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. "Good..."
"I'm just interested in talking about emotions, as apparently that is what girls do," Luna said. She looked at her hands. "I don't really talk to a lot of girls, except Ginny. And even then we don't talk much about boys or girl things. Well, she does. I just listen."
Hermione worried her lower lip. She sighed and rested a hand over Luna's. The blonde girl didn't look up.
"I'm sorry Luna," she said. "I... I don't talk about a lot of what you'd call 'girl things' either," she admitted. Luna nodded, and looked over at Hermione with a small smile.
"I suppose I just want you to think... Well of me," she admitted. Hermione frowned.
"Why would you think otherwise?"
"Well, I am married to Ron," Luna said. "And you didn't seem to like the idea of us being married-"
"I'm more concerned about the situation, not any personal feelings I might have," Hermione said. "And frankly I'm concerned about you, being so happy about this!"
Luna beamed. "Why wouldn't I be happy?"
"Well... He is kind of... Ron-ish," Hermione said delicately.
"You're always so quick to say disparaging things about him, why not to my face?" Luna asked, interested. "Is it because we're married?"
Hermione blinked rapidly. "... Kind of, yeah."
"Well, don't worry. I know he can be pigheaded and stubborn and jealous," Luna said. "And simple minded, save in chess. He is very good at chess." She smiled brightly. "And he can be insensitive and a bit stupid, but he has a good heart and with the right pressure he becomes..." She sucked in a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "Magnificent."
Hermione stared at Luna in less disbelief, though she was still weirded out. Luna spoke again, after taking a breath.
"I think marriage should let you bring the best out of each other. I've seen Ron at his best. I want to see it more. I want to be someone he'll show it for, and to." She tilted her head and beamed, her eyes closing cutely. "And I want him to bring out the best in me."
Hermione slowly nodded, feeling touched. Luna's smile changed tone.
"Also, Weasleys are apparently very good in the sack."
Hermione's cheeks went bright red. "LUNA!"
Luna blinked. "What? That is what my father told me."
"Your father told you that?!" Hermione asked in disbelief.
"He said that it was a factor to consider in the marriage arrangements," Luna said thoughtfully. She rubbed her chin. "He was very matter of fact about it, but I think he was simply not comfortable with discussing his daughter's sexuality. I can understand that."
"I... No wonder," Hermione mumbled. She rubbed her face and sighed. "Honestly... You can be so frustrating." She gave Luna a hug anyway, and Luna returned it. "That said," Hermione continued, "I guess I'm just kind of shocked you take it so easily."
"You aren't talking me out of it?" Luna asked. Hermione laughed.
"If I tried, we'd probably end up talking about Nargles or some such non... Er... Things like that," she corrected herself at Luna's slight scowl. The scowl vanished and Luna smiled again. "But no, I guess not."
"Do you think Ronald will want you to talk him out of it?" Luna asked, looking a bit worried. Hermione chuckled, and grasped Luna's hands between her own.
"Trust me Luna. I don't think he'll ask me to talk him out of it..."
Ron grumbled as he kicked a can against the wall of the house. It bounced back and Ron kicked it again, and back again, and back again.
"Can't believe Mum and Dad... Stupid marriage... Stupid Ministry," he grumbled. He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. His owl, Pigwedgeon, fluttered around his head before finally alighting on his shoulder. Ron sighed and stroked the owl's feathers.
"Yeah yeah, what have you got for me?" Ron asked. His owl hooted and held up a dead rat. Ron smiled a little.
"Okay, that almost cheers me up," he admitted. Pig hooted, and pushed the rat towards Ron's face. Ron's smile vanished.
"I don't want to eat it!" He said brusquely. Pig hooted again, and began tearing into the rodent's carcass. Ron now looked a bit grossed out.
"You don't have to eat on my shoulder!" He said again. Pig looked a bit exasperated. Well, for an owl. He fluttered off, and Ron sighed. He rubbed his face.
"Urrrgh..."
"Having fun?" Asked Hermione, stepping out next to him. Ron glared at her.
"No."
"Strange, most newlyweds are happy after the ceremony," Hermione observed with a little smile.
"There wasn't a ceremony!" Ron growled. "This isn't funny!"
"Yes it is," Hermione replied, laughing softly. Ron's ears colored red and he glared.
"How are you so calm about this?" Ron demanded. "I-I mean, I get married off and... And..." He coughed and looked aside. "I mean, we had that.. There were some things..."
Hermione sighed, and reached up to grasp Ron's shoulder. "Ron, you are a dear friend to me," she said. "Really. One of my best friends."
"One of?"
"We're including Harry, Ron, don't be offended," Hermione huffed. "You want me to choose between you?"
Ron nodded.
"Fair enough."
"But, the fact of the matter is that I don't really think of you that way," Hermione said. Ron blinked.
"Not even a little bit?"
Hermione flushed. "You really want me to answer that, Mr. Lovegood?"
Ron gaped. "H-Hey! It doesn't work that way, and I'm being serious here-!"
"Ron. Think for a moment," Hermione interrupted, raising a finger. "Would you really want me to nag you and boss you around for the rest of your life?"
Ron blinked a few times, and rubbed his chin. He looked intently at Hermione, then up at the Burrow. Then back to Hermione, and to the Burrow. Hermione scowled.
"Well?! Answer me already, Ron! Are you going to take forever and-?"
"Point made, point made!" Ron said, holding his hands up. Hermione smiled and nodded.
"Good. Now, I suggest you go upstairs and enjoy your honeymoon," she said, nearly breaking down into giggles at the last word. Ron rolled his eyes.
"You're hilarious," he drawled as he headed back into the Burrow.
He made it to the door to his room, rubbing his face. He opened the door and walked in, scanning things around him. He'd put Pig away, then go see Luna. They could talk this out and... And...
"Luna?" Ron managed in a high pitched voice. The blonde was sitting in his bed, reading a copy of the Quibbler upside-down. She looked at him with a smile as the blankets slipped down, revealing that she was wearing precisely... Nothing.
"Hello husband," Luna said cheerfully. "I was wondering when you would come to bed." Her smile widened just a hair as she sat up in the bed. "Would you like to consummate the relationship now? Or would you prefer to wait?"
"..." Ron made a kind of gurgling sound. Luna tilted her head and blinked.
"Is that a yes or no? ... How many syllables?"
Non-idiot Ron Weasley, away!