Aaaaaaaaand I still don't own anything to do with Star Trek! TA DAH! Or any other external reference you may find.

...

Looking back at the list it was obvious to James. that its completion probably included his entire senior crew as well as a few other members of staff. But mostly his senior crew. His supposedly mature senior crew. His supposedly mature senior crew who were supposed to respect their captain. Though he did have to admire their creativity, they had obviously spent some time thinking of everything.

List of things the Captain won't do if he knows what's good for him

1. Vulcans are highly susceptible to caffeine. Stop giving the commander coffee. We don't want another case of him running round the ship squealing like a pig and stealth nerve pinching the doctor. He didn't find it funny last time, and he won't find it funny the next.

2. Doctor McCoy is already a grouch, stop painting his nails when he falls asleep. You don't have to deal with him in the aftermath.

3. Shouting out "It's morphin' time!" in the middle of a battle will not do anything. Nor will shouting "Gold Ranger Power!", it confuses the commander. Please immediately cease this.

4. Even though Yeoman Rand's hair does look like a basket, she doesn't appreciate it when you stick fruit in it.

5. The cameras are for surveillance, not for filming your latest stealth moves on unsuspecting crew members (p.s. This also applies to Sulu).

6. Tribbles are animals, not bowling balls. You may despise them but it does not excuse such behaviour.

7. Dressing Chekov up as Alice in Wonderland to make Nurse Chapel laugh is not allowed anymore. He has an extreme hero complex and will do anything you tell him to. Once was enough. We do not talk about it.

8. Mister Spock is not a Jedi. Stop trying to convince him and make him do stuff.

9. We already went over this at the Academy. You can't introduce yourself as "Bond, James T Bond"

10. Do not hack the enemy ships' sound systems to play "We are the champions" every time one surrenders. It is in poor taste, please desist.

10.b) So is "Another one bites the dust" when they didn't surrender.

11. Yes, you have brilliant hacking skills. No, you cannot create an 'underground' class.

12. Please stop pretending to cut Lieutenant Uhura's hair. Its making her paranoid. She's scaring the younger ensigns.

13. If the thought of something has made you snicker for over 10 seconds, it's definitely not allowed.

14. No water balloons around Mister Spock. Vulcans descend from felines. Rec room 4 has still not recovered.

15. Don't dress up as a white rabbit around Dr. McCoy, this is making him neurotic. A neurotic doctor means more surprise medical 'exams'. We don't like it.

16. Stop turning off the gravity in the Loading Bays so that you can play Quidditch with Sulu.

17. Again, Chekov will do anything you say, strop trying to make him surprise hug Spock. He will do it. Spock won't like it.

18. Some away missions do not need to include you. If we have not invited you to join us, it is no reflection of our feelings towards you. Please refrain from using any electronic means to insinuate otherwise, especially the 'un-friending' procedure, it's beginning to irritate everyone.

19. Please check with Uhura before making a speech public speech. The sentence "the help we provided you in the reefer business" does not only mean the refrigerated transport of goods, and the PR department is still fielding the press on it.

20. Please stop telling new warp capable species that "we are on a mission from god". It took us days to clear that up with the Feh'tripsor.

21. Next time you are injured enough to warrant a visit to sickbay, the Doctor wants you to have your underwear on. Saying that Nargles hid them isn't an excuse. Stop scarring him.

21.b) On that same note, when someone accuses you of not wearing any underwear, you should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent. Especially if you can't.

22. Stop stealth attacking Lieutenant Kent. He doesn't have any superpowers. You are making him scared of leaving his quarters.

23. The proper way to report to the Admirals is "You wanted to speak to me, Admiral?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence", you are freaking them out.

24. Captain, while your 'published' work of "1001 Ways to Seduce a Klingon Using Just a Toothbrush, Duct Tape and a Tupperware box" is undoubtedly imaginative, deeply informative and well-researched, we do not appreciate you distributing it to crew members. We are also rather dubious about ways 535-768.

25. You do not own anyone's soul. The Enterprise does not own anyone's soul. Souls are not collectible items, nor do they taste like chicken.

26. The Commander's ultimate weakness is not porn, he will not fall dead if you keep on sending him adult graphic novels. We don't know how you got the good Doctor to believe that, but we would advise you convince him otherwise rapidly.

27. Stop telling Gaila that she is the "She Hulk's sexy female cousin". Yes, she is green. No, it does not count. We have had enough of her coming into sickbay after trying to break things.

27.b) Same goes for Robin Hood. Lieutenant Uhura still hasn't recovered all her underwear 'graciously' given to the poor single males on the ship.

28. There is no designated practice dummy, if there was it isn't Mister Spock. Stop sicking members of security on him.

29. Itching powder on the toilet seat is only funny once. The same goes for plastic wrap, avocado dip, chocolate sauce, cheese, and toothpaste. Spock may be patient, but everyone has a limit. He is three times stronger than you and doesn't find it funny.

30. You are prohibited from making, buying, touching and coming within seven metres of any explosive device. You have an inordinate amount of luck, but not when it comes to this. Scotty needed that transponder.

31. Jesus is not your wingman.

32. You are not allowed to try and donate Keenser to the zoo, no matter how much his eyes "creep you out". Scotty likes him.

33. There is no such thing as a "Vulcan touch of death", stop trying to convince people who annoy you otherwise.

34. Uhura is not "Xena: The Warrior Princess". Yes she is scary sometimes. And like said Princess, she can pack a punch. So stop altering all door chimes to play the Xena war cries when she enters a room. It's distracting and annoying.

35. Vacuums are not meant to be supercharged and raced down the hallways. Sulu and Scotty have already been notified.

36. Cease getting into silly arguments with Ensign Chekov about whether something originates from Russia. He gets upset. This upsets Sulu.

37. You are not allowed to have a theme tune.

37.b) Neither is McCoy's the "Love Doctor", so take back the changes you made for it to be played in any room he enters.

37.c) And Mister Spock does not like Lady Gaga, the song Poker Face is starting to annoy him.

37.d) In fact, no theme tunes for anyone.

38. Most of the stuff on holovids aren't real. Stop trying them out to test a "hypothesis".

39. Stop hiding Dr. McCoy's hyposprays. He has an endless supply - god knows how. And the cleaning staff has had enough of finding them in the most random places. Also, in Yeoman Rand's hair? Again with the hair? Really?

40. Stop having drinking contests of that pink stuff with Gaila. You both do wierd things in the aftermath. Lieutenant Magdy was scared shitless when she found you taped to the ceiling of her quarters.

40.b) Not to mention finding a mummified Gaila in the laundry department.

41. You do not have minions. Stop calling the crew your minions.

42. Shouting "Ave Caesar!" every time the Admirals give you an order is starting to annoy everyone.

42.b) So is "As you wish" - that's just plain disturbing when saying it to old man, Pike doesn't find it funny. Neither does Nogura and he doesn't like you.

43. Sword length is not an indicator that someone is "compensating for something". Neither is the length of someone's Lirpa.

44. Stop using anti-gravity devices to appear to walk on water; you have almost no chance whatsoever at convincing anyone that you are Jesus. Except for Chekov, and that's worse, we think he built a shrine.

45. Kool-Aid is to be used for drinks only, the fact that it can dye Gaila's skin in a variety of colors is irrelevant.

46. Do not experiment with new teas for the Commander. He'll drink anything you offer him, and some of those combinations are downright rancid.

47. Just because your are bright and can hold your own in a fight does not make you Batman. Screaming "Because I'm Batman!" in Spock's face to get out of a losing argument is cheating.

48. Yes Ensign Gxvdbnt has wings. No she isn't a fairy. Stop telling Spock you found a way to make him "a real boy".

49. Playing 'Yakety Sax' whilst pursuing an enemy ship is innapropriate.

50. No starting any flashmobs when anyone important is on board. Actually, no flashmobs period unless someone is severely depressed. They are distracting.

50.b) Here is a list of songs not allowed EVER for any flashmob: Gangnam Style, What Did The Fox Say (no, Spock will never stop correcting that song), Klingon war chants (and the Hakka is not appropriate when facing down a Klingon on the viewscreen).

...

Kirk snickered, he was so getting this framed.