I woke up early the next morning, sneaking out of my small bedroom, I went to the kitchen and grabbed the application off of the counter and went back to my room quickly and quietly.

I sat at the edge of my bed, reading the application over.

"Name, Caste, Age, Height, Weight, Past relationships, Job, Hobbies, Talents, Medical disadvantages…" The list went on with basic and slightly less than relevant questions. These answers don't define me, I'm so much more than a number. You can't begin to know a person by reading the responses to any of these questions. Though, I imagine, they have to find some way to narrow it down to only 35 girls. I shouldn't be so judgmental.

At that moment I decided to be better, at that moment I decided to stop being a victim and to stop being so bitter.

I sat there and started filling out the application, question by question. Thoroughly and honestly. When I finished I got dressed and left the house quietly. I didn't want anyone to know I had changed my mind, I didn't want anyone to see that I had given in. In the end when the names were called and mine wasn't, I didn't want anyone to look at me and say they were sorry. I didn't want anyone to know how much I wanted this. I knew they'd think I was in for the potential love and they'd get so happy and expect so much. Only to find out I'm only in this to for the vacation, for the potential to find myself. I could meet some friends, make some connection. I would no longer be a Six. When people found that out, they'd find out that I'm not this selfless girl who gave up everyone to take care of her family. I would be the girl who gave up everything to leave her family for a better future. A future that isn't even promised. I would not be there for the right reasons, but I want to be there nonetheless.

The walk to the post office was long, but it was early and no one was out and about running errands yet. I didn't realize exactly how early it was until I reached my destination and they weren't even open yet.

I sat down on the curb and let my mind wander. A few months ago I had walked here with my dad, we sat on the curb while we waited for them to open. We were both so bad at checking the time, when we got something in our mind we did it then and there. Who the hell cared if it was 3 a.m. We sat here in the semi-darkness, he pointed out stars to me and told me about them. One of them was planets, while others were part of a much bigger constellation. He had a way of making you realize that you were part of a world so much bigger than yourself, he made you feel grounded and in awe of the world. We didn't talk much, he was quiet and so was I. We discussed astronomy and communicated through current events. It wasn't much, but it was everything.

I hadn't noticed I started crying until the man at the post office put his hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay.

I stared up at him for a few seconds letting what he said register in my head.

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. I'm sorry." I said quietly, and stood up. "I'm here to submit this application that's all."

"You're here early, you must be excited." His smile was sweet, and his voice was kind. "Come right over here. I'll just have to take your picture and you'll be on your way."

I walked over to where he said, and looked at the camera. I hadn't done my makeup or even worn anything nice. In all honesty, I didn't even know how I looked after the walk and crying. I wasn't prepared.

I gave a small smile and the flash went off. I left right after that and ran the entire way home. I still had to go to work, nothings changed yet. Nothing probably will.

After I got home that night from my second job as a bartender my mother once again ambushed me.

"Where the hell is the selection application, Silver?" Her face was red, she was livid, and I started laughing.

I walked over to the kitchen and got myself some of the soup she had warmed over for dinner.

"I threw it away," I said as I sat down at the table. "I'm not entering so really there's no point in keeping it. It's trash, and what did dad always say about trash? Trash belongs in the trash, we do not live in a dump."

"It was not trash! You are entering whether you like it or not! I will fill out the application for you." Her voice started to settle, she looked calm. That was never good.

"Oh, yeah? You can fill it out all you want, unless I'm there to turn it in and have my photo taken it's not going to get accepted."

"How did you know you have to have your photo taken?"

I looked at her for a moment, trying not to let my face ruin my secret.

"I heard some girls at the bar mention it. They were complaining their photo looked awful because they didn't know to get dressed up." I finished off my soup and got up from the table. "I want you to get this straight okay, mom? I'm 18 years old, I'm an adult and I take care of this entire family because you can't. You have no power over me at this point. I will do what I want whether you like it enough. For once, if you could just be proud of what I do or don't' do instead of always asking or begging for mom that would be great. I know none of this is what you signed up for, you married dad expecting 50 years of love and happiness. You gave up your status as a three and married a six and then in less than 20 years he dies and leaves you and now you're stuck with being a six and a single mother to a family of 4 children. But I also didn't sign up to being born into a world where my only option that I have about my future is which kind of servant do I want to be. Dad died 4 months ago and I know it's hard on you, but it's hard on me too. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need my dad anymore. Okay, I work every single day and I'm happy to take care of you and the others but please don't make me do anymore. I cannot handle anymore.

I left her standing there, I hadn't planned on saying any of that but I was so tired of everyone expecting so much from me. I wanted to be left alone and no one would ever do that if I just let everyone walk all over me all the time.

I went to bed shortly after I showered, anxiety weighing heavily