The Auto Biography of Kenneth McCormick

Chapter 2: My Two Friends & My One Rival

I think that title fits well enough. This part of my life happened when I was three, a boy was having a party and everyone in his class had been invited, luckily that included me. The boy was called Kyle Broflovski.

At the time Kyle had no friends to speak of, him having a birthday party and inviting everyone was just to see if he could find a couple of people to hang out with the following day. Even when I was three I knew this.

The party took place in Kyle's playroom, when the Broflovskis started living in this house it had three bedrooms, one of them was Kyle's playroom. At some point or another this room wouldn't be a playroom and boy would Kyle get mad.

So… there is no order to this party, some of the crazier boys ran around throwing Kyle's toys around, well the girls sat in their own corner gossiping. I decided not to get drawn into the crazy, and just find Kyle and hang with him; it was after all his birthday.

I found a table in one of the corners of the room where two boys where sitting. One of them was Kyle, his ginger hair overly styled for the big day, and the other boy had blank hair, that just looked so wavy. From the people I knew in school, this boy was Stan Marsh. They talked and laughed, from what I over heard they were talking about Scooby Doo.

I'll be honest with you, I had no idea what Scooby Doo was, sure my family had a TV but it didn't get the good stuff.

Bravely I walk over to the table and ask if I sit with them. Kyle smiles happily and allows it.

The three of us talked a bit, it was hard because I was out of the loop of shows they liked to watch, maybe at some point they'd stop talking about cartoons and the three of us could play a game, like Go Fish?

These thoughts were lost when a whiny voice shouted, getting attention from everyone in the room.

"Where the hell is the Birthday Cake?" Some of the children moved away from the speaker, and after seeing him I understood why. This boy was so big, that if he sat on you you'd need to go to the hospital. This boy was called Eric, but everyone in this room would come to call him Cartman.

Now how to put this delicately…he's a grade A douche. I mean this kid could not stop being a douche if his life depended on it.

As Cartman was a guest Kyle had to act politely, this also had nothing to do with his mother trying to drill good morals into him at an early age.

"Eric was it? When it's time for cake my mom will bring us to it, till then you could take up some time playing with some of my toys." Kyle spoke calmly and without any anger, something we'd never see again when it evolved Cartman and Kyle in the same room.

Kyle just wanted a happy birthday, was that so much to ask for?

Cartman voice didn't lower; in fact it seemed to get even louder.

"God, I hate birthday parties!" Cartman stormed out of the room, going to who knows where.

Not thinking anything of it Kyle, Stan and myself decided to play a game involving a couple of action men toys, this game was more about imagination than anything else, as I recall I got to play the bag guy.

"It's no use Doctor Evil! We have you cornered!" Stan spoke in a gruff voice, trying to sound older then he was.

"Please, one person can't beat me!" I said in happily, these were some of the first people not to laugh at me for being poor.

"Then how about two people!" Kyle joined with his other action man.

The three of us played that game for lord knows how long, we only stopped when Mrs. Broflovski came up stairs to tell everyone it was time for cake. Now for the record, I'd see the cake just as the party had begun. It was a big cake with pink frosting, and by big I mean a normal adult couldn't eat it all, which was normal because it was a cake. But it was just one of those cakes that would have fed the whole class, and still they'd be some left over.

I am going on about the cake because of the shock that set in as soon as I was down stairs.

Cartman was sitting on the table, well…more like laying? There was pink frosting smeared around his fat face; there was also some smudges on his red coat. Based on the colour of the stains, the cake was chocolate favoured.

Cartman, after leaving the room went down stairs and managed to go unnoticed by Mrs. Broflovski and eat the whole cake, not even a hand full was left of the cake. Talk about greedy.

This was the first time in my life where I realised that Cartman would do anything to get what he wanted. Boy, don't get me started on the whole Casa Bonita thing.

Now, understandably Kyle was ticked. He ran at an inhuman speed, jumped on the table and landed on top of Cartman.

"Give the cake back Fatty!" Kyle punched Cartman in the face and it appeared that he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Ms. Broflovski went to restraint her angry child. As he pulled him away, Kyle's swinging foot connected with Cartman's stomach.

And…Cartman gave the cake back. Cartman let the chucks fly all over Kyle, for ever staining the little suit he was wearing. Don't get me started with what Cartman did to Kyle's hair.

For good reason at that moment Kyle started crying, and most of the class started laughing cruelly at him. Mrs. Broflovski asked everyone to go back to the playroom, and she dragged Cartman away to have a very serious chat.

Stan and I didn't go back to the play room. We tried to get Kyle to stop crying. Well Stan talked; I got a towel and brushed as much sick out of Kyle's hair as I could manage, not an easy task when dealing with curly hair, the sick just got stuck there.

"So you guys want to be my friends?" Kyle said well crying.

"Sure dude." Stan said happily, hoping it would raise Kyle's spirits a little.

"You seem pretty cool." I say, still not finished with the sick in his hair. Stan and I took Kyle up stairs and got him out of that suit he was wearing, Kyle ended up wearing his Spiderman themed pyjamas and we didn't think anything of it.

We entered his playroom and played like nothing happened.

At this point in my life I didn't know that these two would be my best friends, nor did I know that for some reason we'd let Cartman hang around with us.

But for now, that didn't matter.