Heeeeheeeeheeeee. We're back with another slam attack at a beloved Pirates character! Keep in mind that Jack is always the best :)

And now, to our feature presentation…

…How to Annoy EX-COMMODORE James Norrington!

Yaaay! Here at last!

Stick his wig in an ice-cream cone.

When he asks you why you took his wig, just look all innocent and say, "It was a wig? I thought it was ice-cream!"

During his promotion ceremony, offer him a free Jack Sparrow T-Shirt.

Read him Sparrington stories every night.

Ask him if he prefers wearing bikini underwear to thongs ("Do you, sir?").

Pinch him on the cheek and mother him. "You look so cute, Jamesie-poo! All grown up! You look so strong in that uniform!"

Ask him when he first realized he was gay

Fill his room with GIANT marshmallows. And make him clean it by eating it.

Every day.

When he asks why, tell him you have a strange infatuation for marshmallows. "They're so white and cuddly!"

Ask him to tell you ALL ABOUT his plans to capture Jack.

Yawn. A lot.

Snore.

Oh – criticize him during said plan discussion.

Tell him you want to play a Pirates of the Caribbean game where you act out the scenes.

Tell him to play Jack.

Ask him why he wears tights.

Ask him if he's going to be the best man at Will and Elizabeth's wedding ceremony off-ship.

Throw him a Pirate-themed party.

All the birthday hats, bags, plates, and napkins (ooh, and table-cloths) should have Jack's face on them.

Tie him to a chair and gag him and run around him in circles screaming that you're Jack's Wife/fan girl. Even if you're a guy. It adds to Norrington's wishing he wasn't there.

Call him Jamesy-Wamesy or Jamesy-noodle.

All the time.

While he's sleeping, tattoo the Jack Sparrow sunset tattoo on his arm. Oh, and put an "I'm a Jack Sparrow Fan Girl!" tattoo on his forehead while your at it.

When he wakes, tell him they're permanent.

Kidnap Gillette. Tell Norrington that he needs to kiss Jack three times (on the lips – FULL OUT) to rescue his comrade.

Stick a sign (with permanent glue) that says "KICK ME – I'M GAY!" to Norrington's outfit's back. Every coat must say it.

Call him Norry.

A lot.

Steal Mr. Cotton's parrot and train it to say (all the time and on repeat), "Norrington, you're a tellitubby named Po!"

Give it to Norrington as a birthday present.

When he asks you what a tellitubby is, tell him that it's a gay pirate who likes eating giant cookies made out of Human Waste.

Spread rumours about Norrington and Jack (otherwise known as Sparrington) around the Navy.

Use the fart machine you used on Will…with Norrington.

Every evening, tell him he has a dawn appointment with the gallows. "I would hate for you to miss it!"

Vandalize the Dauntless so it says (one on side), "JACK SPARROW IS MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER BE, JAMESY-WAMESY!"

On the other side: "SPARROW IS THE UP SIDE TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP."

Talk endlessly about how well Willabeth is doing. "Oh, they are such a perfect couple – made for each other, that's right!"

Snog him so much that he begs for more. Then get up and say, "Sorry, I thought you were Jack."

Bring up the amazingly crafty and witty escape of Captain Jack Sparrow's escape from the gallows!

Bring it up so much he wishes you were a mute.

Bring up Jack's amazing macho-ness and hotness and how much of a man he is as compared to the wimp Norrington is.

Tell him that he's much better as a rum-pot deck hand what takes orders from pirates.

Refer to the day, constantly, that he almost caught CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!

Oh, and while you're at it, tell him how Captain Sparrow is the best damn pirate you have EVER seen!

Tie his tights to Fort Charles's flagpole for the Pearl to see. And for Gillette to see. And for Elizabeth to see. And everyone els.

Tell him that Jack is a better dresser and kisser.

Tell him what you think he'd do if he were drunk.

While you speculate, use over-acted imitations and gestures. Think Jack.

Dress up like Jack and come inside your house. Then say, "HONEY!! I'M HOOOOMMMEEE!!"

Steal his wig.

Paint it black.

Sing "A Pirate's Life for me."

When he tells you why pirates are bad, slap him in the face and say, "What the HELL did your parents teach you as a child?"

Use his wig to blow your nose.

Tell EVERY pirate in the Caribbean that Norrington is giving away free ships.

Make Jack Commodore. Then make out with him so much that he wants to marry you.

Tell Norrington that you're a pirate and chase him through your house with his sword, yelling "EN GUARDE!"

Tee-Pee his house.

Give him underpants with Jack's face plastered all over them for Christmas.

Make him wear them in front of you.

Dress him in Elizabeth's lovely Wedding dress while he's asleep.

Take tons of pictures and videos of him snoring and drooling in the dress. And muttering about how he will kill Will and steal Elizabeth.

Post them on MySpace.

Tie Norrington to a chair and gag him. Glue his boots to the ground. Then play the scene in Dead Man's Chest where Jack and Elizabeth make out.

On repeat.

Bring Norrington with you to the fight in At World's End where Elizabeth and Will kiss. Then say, "She just kissed him… I think they're in love!! Squeeee!"

Screw the "Squeeee!"

When he's relaying orders to soldiers, loudly yell, "TUBBY JAMESY-POO NEEDS A BATHY-WATHY!"

Make him think he's infatuated with you.

Then make out with Jack, who's your real lover.

Flush the toilet 10 times in a row.

While he's in the shower.

Show him Jack's baby pictures.

Tell him, "You SMELL funny!"

Ask him why he buys wigs that make him look like an ice cream.

When he yells at you for asking him, slap him in the face. "Don't get mad! You really do look like an ice cream!"

Every three minutes, say, "Your dad was a pirate."

When he's at his promotion ceremony, yell, "NORRY! TIME TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPER!"

On second thought, do this every time there are people around.

Force him to play baseball with you. Then throw tomatoes at him because he sucks.

Wake him up every morning at 2 AM and say, "Rise and Shine, Tubby!"

Sing loudly when he tries to sleep. Sing any Pirate song.

When he's doing important work, lean over his shoulder and ask (A LOT), "Are you done yet?"

If he tries to kick you out of his vicinity, tell him you're a figment of his imagination. Only HE can get rid of you.

And tell him that you're so strong that now he CAN'T get rid of you.

Sprinkle a LOT of itching powder in his trousers and all of his underpants. ALL OF THEM.

Get honey all over his butt. I mean: the butt area on his pants.

Shove his butt into a beehive.

Better yet, into an ant-hill full of RED ANTS.

Decorate his bedroom: Jack Sparrow style. Tons of Jack posters, Jack bedding, pillows, stand-ups, statues, costumes, etc.

Ask him if he thinks you're pretty.

When he says yes, ask if he thinks you're prettier than Elizabeth.

If he says yes, say, "If you said no I would've told you that you look like an Ice Cream Cone."

Pour sprinkles, nuts, and chocolate syrup all over his wig. Tell him that you're sure that he'll make a delicious ice cream cone.

Skip around him and sing "Will and Elizabeth sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

When he's groggy and asks you for the razor to trim his beard, give him a hairbrush. When he wants to brush his hair, give him a razor. When he's bald, laugh so hard your stomach will fall out of your butt. (I got this one from another fic)

When you give him a hair cut, mess up.

On "accident."

When he tells you to stop bugging him, say "Sorry, ol' habits and all that."

When he smiles because he thinks you're done, start all over again.

Stuff his wig in an ice cream cone. When he says "Oh, not AGAIN!" you must say, "Ice cream is to me what Rum is to Jack Sparrow!"

Tell him that you think he should've never been a Commodore because he's a rum-pot deck hand what takes orders from pirates.

Tell him his name is "Scruffington."

When he proposes to you, despite all of the annoyingness, tell him you don't marry ugly, fat pirate wannabes that resemble ice creams. He'll really hate you now.

There you have it! A comprehensive guide to annoying the EX-COMMODORE, James Norrington! A new guide will be posted…very soon… for a mysterious character that will be unveiled to your prying eyes. Remember, you have Alienated yourself from two people if you have used all of these tactics on the two people they have been made specifically for.

Hehe. I love annoying characters :) Unless, of course, it's Jack (who is pure beauty), in which case, I wouldn't do any of the things in my "be Jack's root of all things annoying" list :)