A/N - This story is a two-shot I've decided so here be the conclusion.
There is repetition in this chapter from the last chapter. This is done on purpose so the reader gets the full effect of how words can mean a different thing to two people and make them feel different emotions. If however you cannot be bothered to read these lines again, they are in Italics so you know what to skip.
Don Flack wearily plodded his way through the gravestones; well aware of the ominous sky above him but knowing he had to do what he was doing. Mac's words echoed around his mind and he realised what a bastard he had been since returning to New York. He had indeed acted like a spoilt brat, alienating just about every single person who still gave a shit about him. Danny and Lindsay had warned him to stay away from their kids, he'd berated Hawkes for still not finding someone to love him which had earned him a punch across the face, he'd used Jo for his pleasure, seducing her then throwing her aside like a piece of garbage. Mac had tried to ground him time and time again only for Don to start a fight with him and very nearly get himself arrested and Sid and Adam had been so distraught at what he'd become they could no longer bear to be near him. And then of course there was Jess.
There was no-one else he had treated so abysmally since he'd returned. And if his memories served him correctly he couldn't remember a time in his entire life when he'd ever treated anyone so badly. Don wasn't even sure why he'd reacted so violently to everything Jess had tried to do since he'd returned. He'd felt betrayed, had blamed the woman for everything, had felt jealously like no other when he'd found out about the happy life she'd made for herself. His disappearance had caused Jess to gain everything she'd ever wanted in life, everything that they'd wanted...together. He remembered that. And he was left with fuck all. No job, no friends, no life, no lover and a fucked up mind. For he was fucked up, more so than ever before. He was barely even Don Flack anymore and he knew it. He could just about remember the person he used to be and he wanted to be him again, he wanted to be good and kind and help people and feel again but he just couldn't see it. He couldn't see how he could or would ever get back to that place again.
Don sighed as he neared a familiar tree and knew the other three members of his family were buried nearby. He remembered this. His stern, unloving father, his caring, kind mother and his beautiful sister, dying far too young only weeks after her marriage. He reached out with a hand and steadied himself against the tree. Could he do this? He wasn't sure. No, he needed to. He needed to see them, to speak with them and confess his sins. Only then perhaps he might move on, whether in New York or elsewhere he wasn't sure.
He pulled his hand away from the rough bark as the wind whipped round the cemetery and Don rubbed his arms to try and keep himself warm. His face ached like a motherfucker and he could even see that the left side of it was swollen where Mac had hit him. He ran his tongue over the rough edge of his chipped tooth again but felt no anger this time. Mac was right. Since he'd returned he'd been impossible. He hadn't let anyone in and it was destroying him. He had two choices now; carry on the way he was going and before too long end up dead. Murdered in some alley while being mugged, drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, hit by a car...the possibilities were endless. Or he pulled himself together and tried to get on with whatever remnants were left of his life. He sighed. It was going to be hard. The first thing he'd have to do was apologise to everyone and hope that in time they might forgive him.
He sighed and walked round the tree, knowing that what he seeked was just on the other side. He froze as he saw the woman bent over in front of the gravestones. The exact ones he was seeking. His eyes widened in shock as he realised there were four of them, three of which he recognised and one that he did not. His own one. The one he should be buried under. He trembled as the wind blew icily around him and his knees threatened to buckle under him. Jessica Angell was kneeling before his grave, crying. Don swallowed dryly and then decided to flee. He took a step back, was about to turn when he heard those two words.
"Hey, Don."
Don froze again. Scared to breathe, to move. Unknowing of what to say in return. His mind was fogged and he couldn't think. Suddenly Jess' voice broke through his thoughts.
"I'm sorry I haven't come to see you recently, it's just..."
Don frowned and risked a glance up at Jess. She still had her back to him and was clearly unaware of his presence. Now Don thought about it, Jess had never once called him Don since realising he wasn't the same person that he had been four years ago. It was Flack. Always Flack. But then who could Jess possibly be talking to? He hadn't died, there was no-one buried in that plot of earth. He was standing right behind her, the real Don Flack. Changed, but alive.
"I won't lie, what's the point? I have no excuse. I promised I'd never forget you, that I'd never move on...how can I sit here and hope that you'd be listening, that'd you'd be here with me when I broke that promise?"
Don watched as Jess spoke softly to the ground she knelt on, yet loudly enough for Don to hear clearly over the wind. Perhaps it was the wind that carried her voice to him.
"I just wanted to feel again, you know? To be happy again. But I'm not. How can I be? When you're gone and I'm still alone?"
Don frowned again. But he wasn't gone. He was standing right there. Yes, he and Jess were no longer together or even talking. And yes, he'd treated Jess like crap since he'd returned, but he wasn't gone and was still very much alive. Don felt a pang of something he wasn't sure of run through his body as he watched Jess break down in tears. Tears for some unknown entity that didn't exist, because he was standing right behind her.
"I'm so alone. I want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate it. Every day is an effort. Just to get up in the morning and pretend to be happy and go to work and solve crimes that never should have happened. All I want to do is rest. If I can't have you back then I just want to rest. I want this pain to be over. This torture...I can't do it anymore..."
Don's eyes widened even more as he listened to her private confession. Jess was unhappy? She wanted to die? Don suddenly felt cold and it wasn't because of the icy wind blowing around him. Jess had broken down sobbing again and Don was suddenly overcome with the urge to rush to her side and hold her close. He shook his head slightly as he tried to shake off the feeling. What was happening to him? He didn't understand. He hated Jess, blamed her for causing his kidnapping. Blamed her for giving up on him. On them.
"James is a good man, Don. I know you would approve. I know you'd be happy for me cos if our roles were reversed I'd be happy for you. I wouldn't want you to wallow in misery for the rest of your life. So I tried, I really did. I thought at one point I really might love him, you know? That maybe I could be happy with that life, marriage, children, nice house, secure job, college, grandkids, old age."
Don suddenly realised that perhaps he shouldn't be there, eavesdropping on Jess. He no longer knew who Jess was, what kind of person she was. This was obviously very personal and yet Don's feet wouldn't move. Jess was talking to the empty grave like Don was in there, like he was listening so perhaps he should? If he could hear Jess' true feelings then perhaps it would give him the courage he needed to face his own? Whatever they might be.
"That is the life I wanted, the one I'd imagined, only there's one big difference. It's the life I wanted with you, not him. The one we'd talked about, that we'd planned, that we were gonna have. I can't lie to him anymore...or to myself, it's killing me...if that's even possible...I feel so dead already. I can't pretend that I want anything other than to just be with you again. To hear your laugh when Adam tells you something stupid, or watch how your forehead furrows into a confused sort of look when Hawkes tells you something scientific, or how you get that protective, big-brother type pose when guys hit on Linds, even after she married. I want to see you smile that smile – you know the one – the kinda happy, kinda sad one when Mac would commend you at work. I know why you did, you'd be reminded of your Dad, how he never bothered to commend you. So you'd feel so happy that Mac was pleased with you but upset when you wished it was your Dad that had said those words instead. I miss the way your eyes would light up when I'd come into the room, or you'd see me around the precinct. I always noticed, even though I pretended not to, to save you the embarrassment. There's so much I miss, that I wish I could see again, Don."
Don felt something warm on his face and looked up. He blinked and mentally scolded himself for being so stupid. Of course nothing warm fell from the sky in New York. It was him. He was crying. For the first time in years he was actually crying. Something had finally affected him, breaking through the stony wall he'd been surrounded by ever since his kidnapping. He barely remembered their wedding, how they'd talked of having children. Closing his eyes he just about recalled them sitting in a bar...yes of course it was Miami...Jess had taken him on holiday there...he'd proposed and they'd discussed having a child. Don's eyes flicked open again. He was starting to feel a terrible sickness...or was it numbness? Deep in his belly. He and Jess had been serious. Hell, he'd married the poor girl and it suddenly occurred to him that he didn't even know if that marriage still stood now that he'd returned alive. His attention was suddenly pulled back to Jess as he listened to the list of things the woman missed about him and once more he felt a warm trickle down his cheeks.
"But most of all, I just miss you. Talking, or not. Just being in the same room, watching TV in silence but just knowing you were there. I used to think I'd feel you with me, that maybe you were watching me, guarding me until I could join you but then..."
Don tried to swallow again but his mouth had completely dried up. Jess was so overcome with emotion and Don watched as the detective was attacked with tears and sobs again. He wasn't sure, but he thought he could feel guilt in the pit of his stomach.
"But then you came back, Don. I couldn't believe it...I thought you'd died...that you'd left me...but there you were...I saw you with my own eyes. I don't think I can describe that feeling I first felt when I saw you again. Four years of hell, Don...and you were alive. I wanted to throw up, to hug you, to explode, to drop dead with relief, to scream in happiness, to run over and just hold you close."
Don had to throw his arm across his mouth to stifle the noise that welled up from somewhere deep inside him. He could feel his tears flowing more freely now down his face and splashing onto his coat. He didn't understand it. Jess had moved on and married someone else...so how could she feel all those things when he'd been found alive? Don didn't understand. Perhaps it was possible that Jess had never stopped loving him.
"But it was all a lie. I thought I had you back, that you'd returned to me. That maybe I could be happy again. But it's not you. It can't be you. You're so different. That man...that man that came back...he's not you, I just can't accept that. He's changed. You could never be so callous, so uncaring...so unfeeling. No matter what they did to you, what they said to you I just know you'd never act that way. Not to our friends and not to me. We were so in love, so painfully in love before you went away. We always had been since the day we first met, we both admitted it. We'd survived so much, got through everything that our shitty lives had thrown at us and still come out on the other side. And you never changed, you were always still that same, beautiful, kind, brave, honest, soul whom I'd fallen for in the first place. But whoever it is that came back...is not you. He looks like you, sounds like you, he even smells like you...but he isn't...he's not you. He's not Don Flack, not my Don."
Don closed his eyes as something akin to shame washed over him. He was the worst of human beings, on par with the murderers and rapists of the world for causing so much pain to a creature so beautiful, so inherently good in every way. He just about remembered the old Don Flack and what he'd stood for; his morals, his beliefs and his values. That Don Flack would never act in the way he'd been acting the last few months. That Don Flack had been in love with Jessica Angell, would have willingly done anything for her, would have sacrificed his own life ten times over for her. That Don Flack wasn't him though, she was right. He wasn't that Don Flack. He opened his eyes just in time to see her collapse forward into the mud and involuntarily took a few steps toward her, though he didn't know why.
"Come back to me, Don...please..." she wailed heart-brokenly. "I just want you to come back. It's so much worse now. To have you here, to see you...to see an imposter that so much resembles you but isn't you. I thought it was hard before, when you were gone and I didn't know what had happened...but that was nothing compared to this. I hate him, Don. I hate that man who's pretending to be you. I hate you, Don. I hate you now. And I can't live with that...I just can't. I want it all to stop...just to sleep...I can't...I just can't...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I know you'll forgive me...I can't..."
Don once more covered his mouth as his body jerked with the sobs that assaulted him. That beautiful creature, that perfect woman who had held his heart in her's all this time hated him. He'd made her hate him. He'd wanted her to hate him. He deserved her hatred and that of his friends, of the world. He didn't even know if there was any goodness left in him. He hated himself just as she did, as they all did. But what scared him worse than that, was that she might hate herself, and he had caused that. He was the root of evil.
"Why is this happening, Don? What did I ever do to deserve this...and what did you ever do to deserve it? We were happy...we were...we were happy. Why did this happen to us? We were married, we were planning to have our first child...life was so good...I don't understand..."
Don shivered as thunder sounded overhead and then rain started spitting down over the cemetery. He didn't understand either. He didn't understand why he'd been targeted, why he'd been kidnapped and tortured for four years by a crime family he'd had nothing to do with. He hadn't been there when Jess had arrested Vincent Gionetti, hadn't been there when he'd been found guilty on multiple counts of murder, hadn't been there when he'd hung himself in his cell. It had all been because Jess had been the one to catch him. Victor Gionetti had targeted Jess for being solely responsible for his brother's death. He'd wanted to punish her, to destroy her life, to take from her the one thing that she loved the most...as she had done to him. And he had. But in the end it wasn't Gionetti who had hurt Jess the most, it was him. He had hurt her the most by blaming her, just as Gionetti had planned.
"I wish you'd never come back, Don. I wish that man wasn't here. I can see how this will end already. I'll kill him, Don. I know I will. I love you so much and hate him just as much. I can't live while he does...I just know that. So I know what I must do...and I'm not scared. Once I do it I'll either be with you or I'll just be able to sleep...finally rest. I want it...I long for it and have for four years, since the day you died. I don't wanna hurt you Don, even if you've now become someone I despise so much. I have to do this. James will move on and find somebody better than me, someone who will truly love him and give him what he wants. There's no place for me in this life. My place was by your side and you died. That bastard, Gionetti, killed you the day he ripped you from my life."
Don knew he'd welcome death by her hand, that it was the least he deserved. But she wouldn't do it and he knew that...he knew that because even though four years had passed, even though she'd changed and grown, she was still in essence the same good person deep down inside and that left only one option... Don lurched forward again a few steps, unaware he had done so as lightening streaked across the sky, followed shortly by the loud rumble of thunder.
"Maybe I could just stay here...I'd be gone by morning...I know it. I can feel you here, Don. I could always feel you. I know you're by my side...waiting. I want this, Don so don't try to stop me. I want to see you again, to be with you, to hold you. I'm so tired. I'll just stay here and rest."
But he was there! He was standing almost behind her, he was there with her, already with her...Don's heart stopped beating and life froze for a millisecond... and then he ran. He ran as fast as his frozen muscles would let him as the heavens opened up above and his body screamed in pain.
"I'm coming, Don. I'm coming."
Don reached out and grabbed her frozen hand.
"I know that's you, Don. I always know you. I love you."
She was deathly cold. He ripped off his coat and wrapped it round her body, cradling her in his arms.
"I'm here, Jess..." he croaked. "Stay with me."
"I'm coming, Don, I promise. I can hear you, wait for me."
Don's tears poured down his face, she was going fast. He picked her up from the ground, arms and back protesting and carried her through the cemetery, carried her back to his car and to warmth.
"I'm coming. I'm coming for you, Don. I won't leave this time...I'll never leave you."
"Don't leave me!" he screamed as he stumbled blindly through the rain, limp body in his arms.
He looked down and saw her beautiful brown eyes were open. She was still alive and he would never let her go again. Never leave her. Never hurt her.
"I'm here, Jess!" he cried as he fought his way through the storm.
"Don..." she murmured, a smile reaching her lips as she reached up and tenderly stroked his face as he walked. "You've come back to me...my Don."