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CHAPTER 2:
ANXIETY
"Anxiety is dizziness from freedom." - Søren Kierkegaard
"I don't even know what to say to you." Mike shakes his head angrily. His voice is quiet and he's failing to contain himself. This is one of those scenarios where a person gets mad for the wrong reason and in the wrong way. I told him not to waste his time challenging Edward Cullen. It's nobody's fault but his that he got his ass handed to him. "You really surprised me back there."
"What did you expect me to do?" I question, in a tone that is unmistakably derogatory. I am irate with him for good reason. He brought all of us into a humiliating spotlight that none of us wanted to posses in the first place, except maybe Tyler and Jessica. "Clearwater was threatening to send them to jail. There was nothing they did wrong!"
He slams his fist down onto the steering wheel. "Does my fucking face look like nothing to you?"
I flinch back at his display of anger, feeling the blood and heat leak out of me at once. My heart skips a couple of beats. Mike has only gotten angry enough to put his hands on me once, and then he'd apologized profusely afterwards.
It had been one of those times when he'd accused me of flirting with another guy. We'd gotten into a big argument over it, one that I had found trite and had no interest engaging in. I tried to walk away from him but he'd yanked me back by my shirt and tossed me to the ground. I guess he hadn't been thinking when he'd smacked me. It had been a quick and unconscious maneuver, but it stung all the same. I would never forget what I saw on his face when I'd looked up at him incredulously. There was a sick satisfaction there before the remorse showed itself.
A lingering moment of hesitation sits with me before I find the nerve to reply, "You approached them. You're the one who wanted to fight."
"I just wanted my fucking money back."
He's not really all that upset that I told the truth. He's more upset with the fact that Edward Cullen tarnished his ego in front of everyone. He'll no longer be seen as unbeatable, he'll no longer be fearfully respected, and even though only a legend like Edward Cullen was able to take him down, people will start trying their luck by challenging him more often.
It'll take him awhile to build his reputation back up. That is how high school works. It is stupid and a waste of time to me. But for people like Mike, being idolized is the only thing that makes life worth living.
"That's bullshit, Mike." I call him out even though it is against my better judgement. I know that I am walking on thin ice with him now. "What the hell does thirty-five dollars even mean to you?"
"That's not the reason why I'm pissed. It's the principle, Bella. Cullen thinks he can just disrespect me by taking what's mine." He sneers Edward's name out of his mouth, as if the mere taste of it is revolting. There is darkness crinkling around the edge of his eyes and I can see that this beef between them is not yet over.
Mike is one to hold grudges. He's doesn't admit defeat. He's going to hold this against Cullen for as long as he can. His egocentricity won't let him give up. Edward is unaware that he's just made this the funnest game ever for Mike.
"You want thirty-five dollars? I can give you thirty-five dollars. Maybe then you'll drop the charade."
I shake my head at his absurdity. If he lost once; what makes him think he'll win the second time? He just needs to admit it to himself. He's no match for Edward. It's not like he's the only one whose gotten beaten up by Edward or his crew. He falls right in line with the rest of the sorry ones. "You lost Mike. It's over now. What would blaming them have done but added more fuel to the fire?"
"Why do you always take everyone's side but mines?" Mike turns his gaze away from the window he's been peering out. It's foggy and the condensation has gathered on the cool glass like whispered moisture.
"You're not always right Mike." I meet his battered-blue eyes with warm, brown sincerity.
This is something that he needs to hear from someone that actually cares about his well-being.
Unfortunately, he looks away from me without an ounce of understanding. "Get out."
I am shocked to hear him say this. My eyes widen and I have to ask him to repeat himself to make sure I'd heard it correctly the first time. He can't be this upset with me for not throwing Kirkland under the bus. "Excuse me?"
He turns the key in the ignition and his eyes are ice cold when they land on mine again. "I said get the fuck out."
"But..." I open my mouth, finding that there are no words coming out. I have to look away from the harsh apathy that keeps rewriting itself across his face. "I don't want to leave like this."
"What?" He questions gruffly, frowning as he leans closer to make out what I'd just whispered.
"I don't want to leave like this." I say again, louder this time. I look up at him with pleading eyes. "I hate walking away when we're upset with each other."
"Then make it up to me." His face is hard and challenging.
Something thrilling seeps into the pit of my stomach. The danger he emits is both unsettling and erotic. I think this is what I like the most about Mike. It may be sick but it's the truth. There's nothing more captivating about his character than his unpredictability. There's something about feeling out of control that thrills me and I hate myself for it.
"How?" I ask curiously, tilting my head to the side.
Thick waves of chocolate brown hair falls over my face. It sweeps over my reddening cheeks like a dark veil. This is the best way that I know how to be sexy. Mike understands this because his lips purse in appreciation.
"Get in the back seat." He orders blatantly, flattening his tone into indifference.
This is still a challenge. He likes to act like he wouldn't care if I refused or if I agreed. His voice tries to indicate that my actions do not matter to him. But I know more than anybody else that he loves controlling me almost as much as I love being controlled. We're just like each other. It's a sad truth.
"I mean, if you wanna make it up to me..."
"What?"
A small smile turns upon his lips. A threatening allure creeps behind his nonchalant demeanor. It turns me on and intimidates me. "I know you heard me, Bella."
I don't waste any time. Without thinking, I crawl into the back seat and wait for him to give me further instructions. He crawls over the arm rest next. He's bigger than I am and the space is limited. It takes him more effort to find his way into the backseat. His face is still hard with resentment. I know whatever he's about to make me do is more for his enjoyment from seeing me cater to him, than from the possibility of actually redeeming our tense relationship. His bruised lips are twisted and his eyes are focused upon mine. He reaches out with his hand and uses one of his fingers to lift my chin.
"Tell me you're mine." For some reason, he really likes to hear me say this.
At first, I would feel embarrassed to subject myself to him in this way. It was not how Charlie had raised me throughout the years. I was supposed to be strong, independent, and iron-hearted; but eventually I just began to go along with it.
"I'm yours."
Mike shakes his head with a wry smile. He is still looking down at me with those laughing eyes. "Say it like you mean it."
"Mike, everything I have belongs to you." I make my voice feral, attempting to muster up the confidence that would actually make feel sexy while I saying it. "I'm forever and unconditionally yours."
He hums in approval, using his thumb to trace over the perimeter of my trembling bottom lip. He swipes softness and easiness across the smooth skin. I watch his blue eyes widen with undulated interest. "You know that you have the most prettiest set of lips?"
I shake my head doubtfully. I know Mike and I know that he's seen tons of other lips that do not belong to me. I do not fool myself into thinking that I am the most impressive that he's ever seen. That's not why he is with me. Instead of being the most impressive, I am simply the most convenient. I don't think any other girl would put up with the shit I go through with Mike.
That's why he keeps me around.
"Well, you do Bella. They're so pink and plump." This softer side of him does not ease me. It makes me more weary of what he is planning to do. I watch him carefully, not allowing myself to stray my attention from his lilting eyes. "One of them is slightly fuller than the other but no less beautiful."
He leans towards me daringly, pressing the heat of his mouth against my own. His kiss is ardent and with purpose. He grasps me by my hips and pulls me onto his lap. My body reacts to his instantly, flooding all traces of apprehension. I am filled with fire and I throw all that I have into this kiss, matching the intense reverberations that he passes onto me. My fingers grasp his hair, tangling around loose sandy-brown tresses. I meld him no closer than proximity permits. We're chest to chest and raging. I can feel all of what he has to offer.
"Bella." He says breathlessly, pulling away from me with hooded eyes. Those burning lips relocate themselves to the base of my throat. My head falls back and I shudder at the electricity flowing between us. "Do you like to give me what I want?"
I nod my head. It is all that I can do in this moment. I am unbelievably thrilled. I'm hungry and longing. I want to attack him, and devour him, and please him. I want to show him that he's chosen me to be his girlfriend for a reason.
"Will you show me what that pretty mouth can do?" He asks, popping the button on his khaki pants.
I hesitate for a few brief moments, gazing up at him with an instinctual hesitation. I can never fully dispel the weariness that lingers in my chest. Mike spots my reluctance almost immediately. It's exactly what he wanted to see.
This is all a game to him.
"Of course, if you don't want to..." He reaches for his pants and begins to button them back together, smiling with a fiendish satisfaction when I swipe his hands away.
"I never said that I didn't want to." I make this clarification known as he kicks his pants away. They fall to the floor, somewhere underneath the driver's seat, forgotten with my sense of self-respect. I know that this is degrading, not because he wants me to suck his dick, but because I'm doing it just to keep him around.
I'm ordinary and that's the truth. I only have so many tricks to keep Mike entranced with me. I guess I could probably let him go. That would be for the best. But I've grown so familiar with him and the perks that being his girlfriend has gotten me. It's become a comfortable part of my life, and I am engulfed with a horrible anxiety whenever I ponder losing him.
My entire life would change ... I'm not prepared for that.
Mike does not take off his boxers. Instead, he pulls himself through the peep-hole opening in the front. His erection sits in front of my face with more anticipation than the expression on his face has. I wrap my right hand around the base and lean over him.
My hair falls around the front of my face, leaving a curtain of obscurity between me and this manipulative boy. There is nothing left to say between us. I slip my lips half-way over his length, sliding my tongue down his shaft as I bob my head. I feel a guttural groan rumbling deep within him before he lets it flow from between his lips.
Mike's fingers lace themselves around my flowing hair, maneuvering my head to push his dick further into my mouth than I'd prepared for. He begins to move his hips but I can only deep-throat him for a short period, before I feel that familiar sensation of nausea inside my stomach.
"Fuck...Bella." He whispers breathlessly, watching me with hooded eyes as I pull away for air. I bide time by using my hands to stroke him, twisting my palms around the slick skin. I pump him at a steady pace, watching his face for every reaction. "That shit feels...so fucking...good."
Eventually, he gets greedy again. He directs my mouth back down to his dick. I want to take his hands and make him touch me, but I know that if he'd wanted to touch me, that's just what he'd be doing. He wants my mouth, my devotion, and he wants to make a point.
I let him fuck my mouth without much enthusiasm. His hands weave through my hair again, bobbing my head at the same pace in which his hips rock. This is not slow and steady. This is wet, and slippery, and erratic. The head of his dick is hitting my tonsils every time he thrusts back into my mouth, and my throat is begin to ache from the forcefulness he puts into his maneuvers.
"Goddamn..." He's getting close now and I am none but thankful. I can see his face crumbling under the pressure of ecstasy. He's groaning and shuddering against me. His pace has sped up considerably. I almost have to pull away for air again, but I feel his dick beginning to twitch and decide to hold out. "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!"
It happens quickly and forcefully. His body convulses and after one big heave his cum is spilling into my mouth.
"FUUUUUCCKK!" He roars as the orgasm tears him to pieces, slumping into the car's cushions when he has no more to give.
I swallow it down because he likes it that way.
"Damn Bella." His voice is lethargic and so is his face. Satisfaction is radiating off of him. "You've got oral superpowers."
I can only force a small smile. I wipe my mouth for any traces of the sad truth. My lips tingle when my fingers swipe across them. "Are you ready?"
"For what?" He wonders, closing his eyes away from me. He puts his arms behind his head and rests on them. I hate the way he looks so casual and at ease.
"Well, aren't you going to come inside?" We're parked in my driveway and Charlie is not here yet. There's no one outside in this type of weather. No one witnessed the sick way that I thrill myself. "We can do some homework. There's still some leftover lasagna from yesterday."
"Nah, I have some things to do." He says dismissively, glowing inside from the sense of superiority he undoubtedly feels.
I look at him balefully. I hate him. I love him. "What the fuck Mike? I'm not some cheap whore."
"No one said you were." He bites back aggressively, pushing past me to get back into the front seat. His curtness has indicated that this is the end of the conversation. He got what he wanted from me and I lost. "So, I guess I'll see you later. Give me a call around seven or something."
"That's it?" I ask incredulously, resisting the urge to start another heated argument. I don't want him to revert back to the state he was in when we'd left the school. At least, there's some kind of calm between us. "I suck you up and you leave?"
"What do you want some kind of trophy or something?" He snaps, moving his eyes from mines to gauge the time on his clock. The heat from his smoldering gaze is beginning to cool now that his attention is not directed upon me.
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Like what Bella? I have things to do." The irritation from earlier is quickly resurrected. The expression on his face is nothing but a different form of that agitation. I see that his patience is wearing thin. "I told you to call me later. What the fuck is so absolutely important that we have to talk right now?"
"Nothing." I retort sharply, refusing to show my bruised feelings.
Our eyes meet. There is truth between us. Resentment and control. We're not bonded with each other because we actually value each other's existences. We're sticking together because this thing we have, it works for both of us.
I roll my eyes and snatch up my things. I can't believe that I didn't expect this. He's done it so many times before. It's just the way he treats me so coldly; it doesn't give me the same feeling I get when he's dominating me. When he treats me like this, it makes me feel like I'm worth less than the scum on the bottom of his boots.
I know that if I call...he's not going to answer.
...
I spend most of the night doing homework and preparing dinner for when Charlie returns. This is one of our weekly rituals. We try to have dinner together at least three times a week. Tonight, I am making his favorite and I am glad when he finally gets here. It gets drab being cooped up in this house alone, and it took him longer than usual to make an appearance.
"What took you so long, old man?" I ask playfully, greeting him with a swift kiss to the cheek. He takes his shoes and coat off at the door, placing his keys in the tray on top the coffee table, and making a beeline for the kitchen table. "The chili almost got cold."
He sighs and murmurs his appreciation when I sit his bowl in front of him. I survey the tire on his face and conclude that he has had another long day at work.
"Got called in to check out a burglary down at Aro's house." His voice is as flat as his face, shaking his head, the frustration is unmistakable. "Didn't get there in time to catch the culprit."
"Do you have any leads?" I ask casually, this is usually what our small talk is about.
Charlie and I aren't that close in terms of our father/daughter relationship. We were a lot more close knit when Renee was still here. We don't like to admit that fact however. We just go through our days like this. Talking at the dinner table about crime rates and the reason why schools are failing. It is all we have to converse about.
"We can't be for sure..." He trails off vaguely. Charlie tries to keep most of his professional life evasive enough so I can not interfere. I watch him intently as he spoons his chili, blows the steam away, and swallows it down. These steps are repeated a few times until he realizes that my watching him is due to the fact that he hasn't finished his thought. "But I think those Kirkland kids had something to do with it."
My interest grows at the mentioning of this; I immediately imagine Edward's crooked smile. "What makes you think they're the ones responsible?"
"Come on Bella. You think anybody in Forks has a reason to break into someone's house?" Charlie has a point there. Our parents have money coming out the ass. There's nothing anyone else could possibly have that we could not get. "Not only were all of Aro's televisions and computers gone, but they also broke into his safe and took ten thousand worth of his savings."
My eyes widen at this information. That's a hefty crime that could definitely result in years of jail time. I try to recall the intriguing faces I'd been so close to this afternoon. I recall the deviousness inside of their eyes and wonder if they truly are capable of committing such a crime.
"I'm making it my mission to take them down." Charlie declares quietly, displaying a sort of fortitude I've never seen in him before. "I'm tired of them polluting our town. They need to be behind bars where all the delinquents belong."
"You don't even know if it was them though." I do not know what forces me to come to their defense. This is the third time I've done it today. It seems to surprise Charlie just as much as it surprises me.
He looks at me questioningly, suspiciously. I do not pretend to miss the disapproval that reveals itself in Charlie's stern gaze. "I heard about what happened in school today."
"Of course, you did." I keep my tone light even though I am mildly irritated by this admittance. I am not the same little girl that he devoted so much time into protecting. I appreciate his efforts. But the more strict he is on me, the more it makes me want to break loose from his control. "Keeping tabs on me?"
"Just making sure you're doing what you're supposed to do." There is something underneath the casualness he's holding onto, there is a reason why he even brought this up. I think I know exactly where this conversation is heading. "Your boyfriend got in an altercation with Edward Cullen?"
"Yeah." I say.
There's no point in lying. He already knows the truth and maybe even exaggerated bits of it.
"And you claim that Edward was just defending himself?" He raises his bushy eyebrows, seeking out my eyes from across a dinner table that is not the only thing separating us.
"It's not a claim if it's the truth." I clarify, a little too curtly. "Mike wanted to fight Edward. It was a macho thing."
"You know..." He trails off, taking note of the new defenses I've just recently thrown up. "You don't have to feel sorry for them."
"I don't." I say quickly. "I don't even know them."
"Good." He says carefully, adverting his eyes away from mine.
I sit for a few more moments, pushing chili around my bowl with a profound lack of appetite. "I think I'm done here."
Charlie looks up at me, as if I've pulled him out of a deep thought. "Okay, are you going to call it a night?"
"I guess so."
"Alrighty, kid." He offers me a small smile, one that I force myself to return. Something about tonight has put me in a very impersonal mood. I don't know if it is my vexation with Mike resurfacing from earlier, or if it has to do with something completely different. "Oh, and Bella?"
"Yeah?" I stop near the sink, dumping my dishes, not bothering to take kitchen duty tonight.
"Stay away from those Kirkland kids. They're bad news." For some reason, this does not sit right with me, but I try not to show my disapproval. I don't want Charlie getting any ideas. That would only prompt him to restrict me more tightly. He already has a leash secured around my neck. I don't need him governing me more sternly. "You know that right? You know they can't offer you anything positive?"
I nod my head. I am quiet when I reply. "I know dad."
...
Even though we aren't on the best of terms, Mike still picks me up for school in the morning. There's a tension between us. Neither one of us has the desire to address it. I'm sure that it'll pass sooner or later. It always does.
Mike is dreading walking into the school building. He has a behavioral hearing with the principal concerning his punishment. I'm pretty sure she's only going to give him a couple days of out of school suspension. Though, the punishment he is going to receive seems like the least of his worries right now.
Mike is dreading the feeling of having judgmental eyes sizing him up after his defeat. He doesn't want to see or hear the ruthless gossip that's swarming the school. Our peer's vicious words are like a colony of killer bees. They sting and blister upon impact.
"Just ignore it." I advise encouragingly, squeezing his hand as we exit the car. It starts instantaneously. Just as I knew it would. Everyone stops what they're doing to watch us walk towards the entrance doors. "They have nothing better to do."
"Yeah, I've never seen a bunch of people any more pathetic." Mike says this loud enough for everyone to hear, he's not scared to look any of them in their eyes. They look away when he glares at them but resume their positions as soon as he locks his scowling eyes onto someone else.
"Are you about to go to your hearing?" I ask, once we've made it to my locker. Angela and Eric are the only two here right now. The others must be running late. They're usually all here by time Mike and I make it to school.
He nods his head, raking an unconscious hand through his shaggy hair. He's really bothered right now. I think being suspended actually sounds like a nice idea to him. "They'll most likely send me home afterwards. Since I'm not going to practice today, I'll probably stop by your house."
"Okay." I smile up at him and he pecks my lips before going on his way.
"Yesterday was epic, huh?" Eric comments, once Mike is long out of hearing distance. I can hear the smugness that he tries to keep under wraps.
I look at him for a long moment before shaking my head. Yesterday was totally detrimental and could have easily been avoided. "He should have just listened to us."
"Mike does what he wants." Angela proclaims offhandedly, throwing this at my face like a baseball. It's meant to be spiteful and heart-wrenching, but people don't understand that Mike's hurt me so much I'm pretty much immune to it. "Bella doesn't have a tight enough grip on him."
"And I suppose you could do better?" I turn towards her fully, witnessing the faint flush that conjures inside her cheeks. She's not anywhere near as confident as she displays. Knowing this, I actually feel sorry for her. I don't want to be the one who exposes the fact of her insecurities to everyone.
"Well, yeah." She nods her dark head, yet I see nothing but the credentials Mike would need to take advantage of her.
She just doesn't know.
"Then go right on ahead." I think she sees all of my sarcasm but none of my earnest, her features are smooth and impervious. "Be my guest."
"Everyone knows that Mike only has eyes for you Bella." She replies promptly, though we both know that she has just easily lied to herself and to me.
"Of course." This is the last thing I offer her before I shut my locker and start towards my destination.
Without Mike around, I don't have to pretend like I actually have anything in common with them. They don't have to pretend like I intrigue them in any way. Eric is probably the only tolerable one in the entire bunch. But I still can't spend too much time around him without getting bored. Their influences rub off on him way too much.
My first class is English. It is far easier to concentrate now that I don't have to worry about Mike. The teacher gives us an independent novel assignment to do. It is the first big project that we've had in this class all year, and it is apparently worth two test grades. I'm going to have to spend an excessive amount of time at the library if I even want to consider passing with an average grade. I've been so busy dealing with Mike that I have not been putting as much effort into my school work.
Now, my grades are suffering. I really want to go out with a bang since this is my last year of high school. Straight A's and honor roll seem to be out of the question at this point however. Unlike Mike, I can't bank on an athletic scholarship to take me through college.
My second hour is theater, my third hour is social justice, and my fourth hour is silent cinema. The fine arts teachers have a nationwide meeting today so the first half of my day is typically filled with substitutes and crossword puzzles to bide time.
By time lunch rolls around, I have decided to spend the thirty minutes in the library. Getting a head start on my English project seems a hell of a lot more beneficial than killing my brain cells down in the cafe. I doubt that they'll miss my company much.
I sign in at the librarian's desk and attempt to browse the fiction section for a book to do my report on. I could probably just choose from any of the books I have at home on my own bookshelves, but that would be too easy and I kind of want to challenge myself.
I am busy flipping through a science-fiction novel when I hear two very distinct voices enter the library. I look up to see Alice Brandon and Jasper Hale sauntering past the librarian's desk. They skip signing in, and though Mrs. Cope's face looks disapproving, she makes no move to correct them.
I hold the book up to my face, but peer over it inconspicuously. I can't help but be a little bit intrigued by these two. As if they can feel the heat of my gaze, they turn precisely in my direction. I am immediately taken aback. Their eyes land on me and I know that they are well aware of who I am.
My surprise and apprehension only increases when Alice begins to walk towards me. Jasper hesitates near the computers and watches her with perplexed eyes before he decides to go ahead and follow her trek. I have to wonder what they want from me now. This is probably the way they do things in Kirkland. They wait to find one of their rivals alone and then they ambush them. I prepare myself for whatever is going to happen. My shoulders square, I lower the book, and I try to put on a face that seems unintimidated.
Alice's gracefulness comes to a stop about a few feet away from me. She keeps a comfortable distance between us, as if she has considered the possibility of me being uncomfortable around her. Today her hair is pinned up in an elaborate up-do. She has strands of wavy hair falling haphazardly, around her face and down her neck. Her face is nude of makeup except for the bold-red lip she sports. This is even closer than I was to her yesterday, and like her cousin, she looks so much more stunning up close.
A moment of silence passes between us, until she offers me a small, closed-lipped smile. "Hello Bella."
I say nothing. I am shocked. Maybe even a little snooty. I can't help but feel like her kind and my kind are not supposed to converse. Something about her approaching me is exciting however. My eyes flicker behind her to where Jasper stands. He's looking aloof as usual but something has warmed within his eyes. Those violet irises don't appear to be so cold anymore.
"I wanted to thank you for yesterday." Alice explains cordially. There is nothing but patience leading her tone. Her voice is soft and melodic. It reminds me of bells and other pleasant things. I find myself wanting to hear more from her. "We wanted to say thank you."
Jasper takes that as a cue. He nods his golden head in agreement. "Thank you."
He is more reserved than Alice is but he is no less polite. I am severely shocked, especially since I thought they were coming over here because they were upset about the Mike situation. I can't help but think that my astonishment is blatantly obvious, both Jasper and Alice seem at least a little amused by the way I am staring at them.
"You could have done what you're friends wanted you to do. You could have lied on us." Alice's half smile gives away her appreciation. She's being nice to me, as if we aren't a part of two very different worlds. "And I'm just really happy that you told the truth. I'm sorry if your friends were mad about that."
"Oh, it's fine." This is the first time that I have spoken. I find it oddly easy. I was for sure there'd been an enormous lump in my throat. "I just didn't feel right blaming it on you. I would have done it for anyone."
"I know."
Another silence ensures between us. This one is not uncomfortable. I guess we both just don't have much to say.
"Did Edward get in a lot of trouble?" I wonder, thinking about what Charlie told me yesterday.
"He just got a few days out." She lifts her dainty shoulders in a shrug. I guess she's happy about that. I honestly don't think Edward should have been penalized at all. Mike was the one who'd started it. "That's nothing compared to what he could have gotten."
"Well, could you tell him that I'm sorry?" Jasper and Alice both give me peculiar looks. They do not succeed in disguising their astonishment. Now, all three of us are wearing similar expressions.
"Sure, but what exactly are you sorry for?"
"For my boyfriend's behavior." Mike is sort of my responsibility. I am his girlfriend so I have to take fault for his actions. I just wish they knew how adamantly I'd tried to change his mind. "I probably could have done more to stop him."
"He doesn't blame you." She assures quietly, offering me another one of those half smiles. Her teeth are stark white against the red paint that coats her lips.
I don't know if I believe this but I'd like to think that it is true.
"What are you in here doing? Aren't your friends down in the cafe?" She proceeds to ask, gazing at me levelly with bright green eyes.
"I have a report to do in English."
Alice opens her mouth to say something else. I find myself wondering what it possibly could have been. Jasper beats her to the chase before she has a chance to get it out.
"We'll leave you to it then." His tone makes it clear to both Alice and I that we actually should not be standing here having this conversation. There are miles of boundaries between us. He knows that and we know that. This cordial conversation does not make us friends, nor does it open up a possibility for us ever to be.
"Alright." I say, there is nothing else but that.
"See you around." Alice goes with Jasper without protest, they walk side by side. They are close but not holding hands. I've heard that they are not a couple, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't like each other. The connection between them is hard to miss.
After their departure, I get back to my report. I find the book I want to do it on and then I even spend some time on the computer researching ideas. My lunch period passes in a blur. I have three more classes before the end of the day and I could not be happier.
Fifth hour is Journalism 3. This is the class that I share with Eric.
"We missed you at lunch." Eric says, gazing at me as I slide into my seat beside him. There is a slight smile on his face waiting for me. I like the fact that Eric is so jovial. He is a polar opposite of Mike and Tyler. "Did you go to the library again?"
"Yeah, I have a project due next week." I start to unload my bag, collecting the things that I need for this class on my respective side of the table. Eric has been my partner for three years. That may be the reason why I find it so much easier to talk to him than anyone else in that group. "What happened while I was away?"
He hitches his shoulders in a shrug. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Cullen wasn't at lunch though."
"He got suspended." I say offhandedly, though as soon as I say it, I wish I hadn't.
"How do you know?" He asks, lifting his eyes toward me in curiosity.
I almost want to lie but I stick to the truth, welcoming his reprimands. "Alice told me."
"You talked to Alice Brandon?" His eyes are wide and I can hear his disbelief. It is thick inside of his voice.
"We ran into each other in the library." I try to say this as casually as I can.
"Ran into each other? Bella, that is a term people use when two old friends just happen to see each other in the same place." Eric does not receive my explanation the way I'd wanted him to. He's shaking his head and disapproving me before I can even tell the whole story. "You and Alice Brandon are definitely not old friends. You better hope Mike doesn't find out about this."
"And what would he do? I can talk to whoever I want." I am mildly insulted that he thinks Mike is in control of my entire life. I have a brain and mind of my own.
"Yeah, right." He scoffs at my attempted bravery, knowing damn well how easily I would cower under Mike's unstable temper. "You're not going be saying that when he's making you eat his fist."
I am quiet for a short while. His words rumble into something nostalgic and melancholy. "That wasn't very nice."
"I'm sorry, Bella." There is nothing but remorse and worry on his face. I know that he is just holding my best interest at heart. I appreciate him. "I just don't think you should talk to her anymore."
"You act like I'm going to start being her friend. It was one simple conversation."
"I hope so." He looks at me carefully but decides to drop the subject. I am grateful for this.
"Hey, do you have to go to practice today?"
"I have to go to practice everyday, Bella." His features are sarcastic. He is the star quarterback of the football team, Mike is the linebacker, and Tyler plays some the other defensive position. I know Mike envies the fact that Eric has always been picked over him for quarterback. That is why he tries so hard to bully Eric. There is nothing that Mike hates more than when someone is better at something than he is. "Why do you ask?"
"Because Mike dropped me off at school today and he's not answering my texts."
"Maybe you can ask Jess or Lauren for a ride."
"They both have cheerleading." There goes that possibility. Angela doesn't have a car so she takes school transportation.
"So, how are you going to get home then?" He wonders, trying to think of someone that I can possibly catch a ride with. He knows that I only hang out with one crowd of people though. I'm not in a sport or on a team so my social circle isn't as big as his.
"I'll just call Charlie when the bell rings."
...
The last two classes of the school day are always the longest. By the time school lets out, Mike has still refused to answer any of my messages. His complete disregard of my existence is just great. He's never around when I actually need him.
I make my way out to the courtyard and sit at one of the picnic tables near the parking lot. I don't even know why the school has these here. It is never warm enough to come outside and enjoy the weather while we eat. It is always constantly raining and dreary. The weather barely even reaches seventy. That is why it's such a bummer to be stranded here like this. Charlie really needs to work on getting my truck fixed.
I try my dad's cell phone but he does not answer. I should have expected this. Charlie never answers his cell phone when he is on duty. I do not know the number to the station by heart and there is no traces of it saved within my phone. I try his phone a second time. I am left with the same result. This time I leave a message.
"Hi Bella." I almost jump out of my skin at the intrusion of this soft voice. I'd been too entranced in my phone call to notice her approach. I look into green eyes that belong to Alice Brandon. She's staring at me with a casual smile. "Do you need a ride?"
"What?" I ask incredulously, unable to believe that she just asked me that question.
"Do you need a ride?" She asks again, lifting the corners of her mouth with patience. "Jazz and I could give you a lift."
I look at her with pursed lips. I am trying to figure her out. She seems like one of those people who are just unable to be understood. I don't know what impression I gave her in the library, but I definitely do not trust her enough to get in a car with her.
I think she sees this reluctance on my face. I am not good at hiding the way I feel. My face is always a blank canvas until my emotions paint themselves onto my expression. "I don't know if that is a good idea."
"We're not going to kidnap you." I can tell that she is slightly offended. She knows that I am judging her character off of preconceptions. Of course I am. I have nothing else to go off. She is from Kirkland and all I know is that people from Kirkland are sketchy. "I'm just trying to be a good person. I owe you."
I am about to tell her that she shouldn't feel like she owes me. I don't want anything in return for my honesty. I definitely don't want her being nice to me because she feels she is obligated. My words get caught in my throat when she reaches out and grabs my hand. I have an automatic instinct to pull away from her but I do not. Her grasp is soft and gentle. She tugs me to my feet and smiles lightly.
"Come on Bella, getting a ride from us can't be worse than being stranded in the rain."
And then we are on our way towards her car. Our lives so divergent that they collide...