Life is a nightmare that prevents one from sleeping.

Oscar Wilde

Long, dark hair fanned out over Toby's chest, spilling onto his pillow. Spencer was sound asleep, her head resting over his heart. Her chest rose and fell in the slow, even cadence of deep sleep. It amazed him that after everything she could still curl up so trustingly in his arms and sleep. She was at her most vulnerable, completely defenseless with him, and she didn't seem to think anything of it. He knew he didn't deserve that level of trust. Not after what he'd done.

As peacefully as Spencer rested, sleep had eluded Toby all night. He glanced at the clock again. 2:57 AM. Just ten minutes later than the last time he'd looked. He wasn't overly bothered by the sleepless night, though. He was content enough to lay beside his girl, holding her while she slept and playing with the soft strands of her hair, twirling them around his finger over and over. He wasn't going to take for granted the fact that she was there… in his apartment… in his bed… in his arms. He would certainly never take it for granted that she was there willingly. Because she still wanted to be with him.

He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that she'd forgiven him so completely. For everything. That she could love him so much to still choose to be with him after all he'd put her through – no matter how good his intentions had been – blew him away. There had been so many nights he'd lain awake, eaten alive with guilt, wondering what in the world he'd do when Spencer found out… because he knew she would eventually find out. It was unavoidable. In his wildest dreams, he'd never imagined it would end with her still in his arms. That was far more than he'd dared to hope for.

Guilt still gnawed away at his immense relief, though. Spencer might have forgiven him, but that didn't mean he'd forgiven himself. He'd hurt her. And that was something he'd promised himself he'd never do. He knew he hadn't seen the worst of it, but what he did know was terrible enough.

She'd had a mental breakdown. His Spencer. One of the strongest people he knew, both mentally and emotionally. And she'd broken… enough to need time in a psychiatric hospital. And he'd done that to her. Not only had he not been there for her when she needed support the most, but he'd been the one to push her over the edge. He hated himself for that.

The effects of the last several weeks were marked on her body. With her face washed free of make-up, he could see the dark circles that remained under her eyes. Evidence of the sleepless weeks he'd caused her. Her cheekbones stood out in stark relief, cheeks sunken in. The bones of her hips were far more prominent than they'd been before. Her ribs too. She'd lost weight – weight that she truly couldn't afford to lose in the first place.

He'd meant to keep her from getting hurt again. Not only had he failed miserably, he'd hurt her worse than anyone. She'd trusted him and he'd almost destroyed her. That was something he'd carry with him for the rest of his life.

There was nothing he could ever do to erase the damage he'd done, he knew that. But damned if he wasn't going to spend every single day for the rest of his life trying… for as long as she'd let him stay in her life. There was still a part of him that was afraid she'd suddenly realize the enormity of everything he'd done and decide that she'd been much too quick to forgive him. He was still afraid she'd decide that he wasn't worth everything he'd put her through after all.

And he knew if that happened, he'd have no choice but to let her go. He'd been well aware from the start that was a possibility. It was a risk he took the first time he'd sought out Mona. He knew losing her would devastate him, but it would be nothing less than what he deserved.

Guilt and fear weren't the only things that kept him awake. Worry was very close behind them. There was so much for him to worry about, now more than ever before.

He worried about how he was going to keep Spencer safe. He'd been concerned enough before, but now that she was playing the double agent too, his anxiety multiplied. He worried about keeping the true nature of his feelings for her under Mona's radar. If she knew his intentions, things would all go south very quickly. He worried about how they were going to end this now that their initial plan to trap Red Coat had failed. He wracked his brain, but he kept coming up empty. He was out of ideas and feeling more and more helpless all the time.

A sudden whimper from beside him snapped him out of his troubled thoughts. He glanced down at Spencer, instinctively drawing her sleeping form closer to protect her from the unseen threat. These weren't the whimpers that he liked, the little sounds she made when he touched her. These sounds were distinctly distressed. Her limbs tensed, her body stiffened as if to flee even in sleep. He felt the warm wetness of the two small tears that fell from her eyes and landed on his chest.

A sharp pain pierced Toby's heart, seeing her in the grips of a nightmare. In the dim light of the loft, he could see tears gathering on her long lashes. Gently he brushed the hair away from her face with the backs of his fingers.

"Spence," he whispered against her temple. "Spencer, it's okay," he soothed as she continued to grow more agitated, whimpers turning to quiet, agonizing sobs and piteous mumblings. Most of it was unintelligible, but the one word he did manage to catch was his name.

Spencer called his name… and called it again… anguish coating her voice.

He was the reason for her nightmare. That broke his heart all over again. His stomach churned with self-loathing. "Hey," he called, renewing his efforts to wake her and pull her from the midst of whatever nightmare held her captive. "Come on, Spence, wake up."

Her body jolted against his as she jerked awake with a sharp gasp. "It's okay," he crooned, cupping her cheek in his hand and brushing her tears away with the pad of his thumb. "You're okay now."

Soft brown eyes blinked up at him in confusion, her sleep addled brain still struggling to separate nightmare from reality. "Toby?" she called his name in a voice thick from sleep and tears. Anguish was replaced with uncertainty, as if she doubted that he was real, that she hadn't leapt from one nightmare straight into another.

"I'm here," he reassured her, finding her lips with his to brush the gentlest of kisses there. "You were dreaming."

Her breath hitched in a shaky little sob, her face burrowing into his chest, seeking comfort which he was only too happy to give. He just lay there holding her closely while her breathing returned to normal. "Are you all right?" he asked when she'd calmed down. She nodded, her hair tickling against his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was cautious. He didn't want to upset her again, and, quite frankly, he wasn't sure he could handle knowing what terrible things he'd done that she was reliving in her nightmares.

She shook her head. "No, I'm all right now. Really. Can't you sleep?" she asked after a minute, the fingers of her left hand tracing over his collarbone. He shook his head in wordless reply. "Was I keeping you awake?"

"No," he said a little too quickly. He didn't want to do anything to discourage her nightly visits. He liked having her there. Maybe more than was good for him. He loved falling asleep with her warmth curled up against him. Loved waking up to find their bodies tangled together in the mornings, fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle. He was growing very spoiled being able to kiss her last thing every night and first thing each morning. And at least if she was with him he knew she was safe. He didn't have to wonder.

Spencer smiled at the swiftness of his response.

"I've just got a lot on my mind," he admitted, running his fingers over the length of her back.

"Anything you want to talk about?" She tucked her hand under her cheek, tilting her face back to gaze up at him. "I've been told I'm a very good listener."

"It's nothing," he assured her. "Nothing new at least," he amended when she raised one eyebrow skeptically at him. They'd promised not to lie to each other anymore, and that particular lie was pointless anyway. She always knew when something was bothering him.

"You sure?"

He smiled, nuzzling his nose affectionately against hers. "Very sure."

"Okay." Toby felt her soft kiss against his throat. A moment later, he felt another on his chin… and then on the corner of his mouth before her lips found his. He leaned into her kiss, his fingers curling automatically around the back of her neck to bring her in closer. It didn't take long for soft, tender kisses to grow seeking as a hunger was ignited within them. Spencer slanted her mouth over his, deepening their connection. Breaths came shallower, faster. Heartbeats raced, sending a surge of warmth rushing through their veins.

"Well, as long as we're both awake… we might as well make the most of it," Spencer whispered, her lips turning upwards in an impish smile even as they lingered against his.

"You have to be up for school in just a few hours," he attempted to be the voice of reason. His hands had other ideas, however, traitorous fingers tracing a path down to the swell of her hips.

The heat of her exploring mouth wandered down over his neck, lower to his chest. She knew full well that his protest was merely a formality. His body's swift, instinctive reaction to her advances was a dead give-away. When had he ever been able to resist her anyway?

"Some things are definitely worth sacrificing a little sleep for," she murmured seductively. Her body draped over his, her endless legs on either side of his hips, and he was too far gone to even pretend to protest. He wanted her. Desperately. And by some miracle, she still wanted him. He was only too happy to let her take control, take from him what she wanted. He gave her everything. Held nothing in reserve.

Toby's heart swelled and clenched in his chest. God, he loved her. He could only hope she could feel that when he touched her, when he took her body and gave her his in return. He could only hope she truly knew just how deeply, how intensely he loved her, because he didn't have the words to tell her.

He loved her heart, her compassion. He loved her intelligence, her focus and her drive. He even loved her competitiveness, her single-minded intensity. He loved her smile, the way her eyes lit up when she laughed. He loved the sound of her voice. Loved the sounds she made when he touched her, her breathless cries and husky moans when he laid claim to the parts of her body that only he had ever known. He loved the way she felt like silk under his hands, the soft curtain of her hair brushing over his skin. He loved the way her body moved so sinuously against him, straining and striving to bring him as close as was humanly possible. He loved watching her face when she finally surrendered to the all-consuming pleasure they created together.

She was his. Only his.

And he was hers. Always and forever only hers.

Later, Spencer sighed contentedly into the curve of his shoulder. He could feel her smiling, all traces of tears long gone.

"Think you can go back to sleep now?" he asked softly, playing with the long fingers that rested over his heartbeat.

"Mmhmm," she murmured drowsily, pressing a tender kiss to the pulse point in his neck. "You wore me out." He could hear the teasing smile in her voice.

Toby snorted, feeling exhaustion finally settle over his limbs. He reached down, keeping one arm firmly around Spencer's slender waist, and pulled the rumpled sheets back up to cover them. She yawned widely into his shoulder. He tucked the blanket closely around her and brushed his lips over hers, still red and swollen from their fevered kisses.

"I love you so much." The words were incredibly weak compared to what he felt, but they were all he had.

Simple though they were, the words seemed make her happy. She smiled even as she was drifting off again. "I love you, too."

Toby could tell the exact moment when sleep claimed her. Her body went lax against his, her expression perfectly serene, a smile still lingering on her lips. He lay there and let the slow rhythm of her breathing relax him. It didn't take long before he surrendered too, drifting off, content with Spencer safe and secure in his arms.