A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who's been reading the first chapter. It makes me really happy that you gave this fic a chance, and I hope I won't disappoint!
Here's chapter 2! It starts a week after the end of chapter 1, on the day that L and Light had their second physical fight (well - the second that was shown in the manga/anime...) and L asked Misa to help infiltrate Yotsuba.
Chapter 2: There's a fear that won't subside
"I can't believe you said that," Light hissed at L as soon as they stepped back inside their room.
"What, that I could fall for Misa-san?" L asked, knowing perfectly that that wasn't what Light was referring to, but he wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to rile Light up. "I was only getting on her good side. No need to worry, Light-kun. I won't be stealing your girlfriend," he said with a smirk.
"She's not— You— Whatever, you know very well that's not what I'm talking about," Light fumed.
Ah. There. This was the reason L liked to provoke him. Light was always so composed, so put together - he never looked nearly as alive as when he got angry at L. It was as if pushing him to his limits finally allowed him to feel. L enjoyed this Light tremendously, even though aggravating him sometimes led to getting punched in the face.
L cocked his head. "Not your girlfriend? If that is the case, I'm not certain that she knows. Also, if you're referring to the fact that I said I thought you could become Kira again, I fail to see why this is such a surprise. Especially now that I know about Penber and Misora."
Light sighed. "I told you many times that this is and has always been one-sided. I'm not… entirely certain why we got together, but seriously, as long as you're keeping her here I think it's easier to go on a few dates than to deal with the aftermath of me breaking up with her."
L winced at the thought, but part of what Light had just said had piqued his interest. "More… weird memories?"
"I'm not sure I want to tell you if you're still hung up on me becoming Kira again," Light said, crossing his arms as he sat on the bed.
"And what would you have me think, then, Light?" L snapped, barely realizing he had dropped the honorific. "When you dropped that bombshell on me last week, you had to know that it would only confirm my suspicion towards you. But then you never mentioned it again, and did your best to avoid the subject all week when you know full well I haven't told anyone. So, I asked it last time, and I'm asking it again: What do you want from me?"
L realized that Light was staring at him with wide eyes, clearly surprised by his outburst. But L was angry - and if he was being perfectly honest, he was mainly angry with himself. He had spent the past week mulling over what Light had told him, deliberately choosing not to do anything or tell anyone and he couldn't find an acceptable reason for this. The fact that he had yet again woken up way too close to Light for comfort on the few nights he had slept hadn't helped either - and he didn't care much for that weird feeling in his stomach each time it happened, thank you. L felt like he was losing his ability to look at the case objectively and he didn't like it one bit.
Light blinked a few times, then took a deep breath and looked down, his shoulders sagging. "I just… It was driving me crazy, okay? You probably don't know what it feels like to start doubting every single one of your memories. And it's not like I could have told anyone without you knowing - and I guess I… maybe it sounds stupid but I just wanted to talk about it, you know? Get it off my chest. Talk to a friend."
"Friend?" L asked before he could think about it. Sure, L had told Light that before his confinement, but he was rather certain that Light had been Kira back then, so… He would have known that it had just been an act. Now, this Light, though…
Light huffed a small laugh. "Right. I should have known it was a lie. Thanks for keeping all of this to yourself anyway, I suppose."
"No, wait," L said quickly, crouching next to Light. He took a deep breath and decided that there was no use denying it anymore. "I admit that I was lying when I told you you were my first friend before. In my mind, I was talking to Kira, and I only wanted to shake him up. I could never be friends with Kira. However you, right now, are not Kira. And despite the inconvenience of being chained together, and our occasional fights - which I admit to often be responsible for - I believe we tolerate each other rather well."
"Is that some weird way of saying we're friends now?" Light asked, looking back at L with an unimpressed expression.
L made a dismissive gesture. "You're interesting. I don't often find people interesting."
Light snorted. "Well, given my situation, I guess I'll take what I can get."
"I also didn't think you would want to be my friend," L mused, gnawing half-heartedly on his thumbnail.
"Well, I still think you're horrible," Light said, leaning back on his hands and smirking slightly at L's raised eyebrow. "You sit weirdly, you have terrible eating and sleeping habits - and maybe more importantly you kept me locked in a cell for much longer than necessary then had my dad pretend he was going to kill me, you chained yourself to me, you constantly point out how suspicious I am and you go out of your way to irritate me."
"Do you have a point, Light-kun?" L mumbled, rolling his eyes.
Light sighed. "But it's interesting. Being around you. I've always felt like I was just… numbly going through life. Maybe the circumstances aren't the best, but somehow I feel more alive than I ever did. And, I guess… I guess you're probably one of the only people who can understand why."
L smiled almost imperceptibly. He did get it. Light was just too smart - and his school, his life weren't stimulating enough. L couldn't imagine how excruciatingly bored he would be without his detective work. He narrowed his eyes at Light, a weight suddenly settling in his stomach. Boredom could be dangerous for people as smart as they were. Could this be what had driven Light to become Kira? In which case, would this mean Light had done everything consciously?
"Anyway…" Light went on. "I'm sorry. When I told you, I had only just remembered all of this earlier that day and I was so exhausted I couldn't stop myself from panicking. Still, even if we are friends, and I really appreciate you not telling anyone so far… I shouldn't keep expecting this from you. Your job is to catch Kira, after all… "
"You know I only take cases that interest me, don't you?" L asked quietly, moving his hands atop his knees and resting his chin on one of them.
"...And?"
"It's true I want to catch Kira - or stop him, at the very least. I don't like how he took it upon himself to judge others, and I don't think someone with that kind of power should be allowed to walk free. However, what I also really want is to understand. Where does Kira's power come from? How does it work? How can it control memories? One of the main reasons I took this case was for the challenge. Now… As far as sentencing - justice - goes, I don't believe in sending you to your execution if you have no recollection of killing anyone, and no inclination to keep doing so." Well. That was only a small part of the truth, but that was all L would allow himself to say out loud for now - and probably forever.
I think I might miss you if you died.
Light's eyes widened in confusion. "So… Basically you want to decide for yourself whether or not I'm guilty before telling the others?"
L shrugged. "Technically, no one in the task force is part of law enforcement anymore. No use crushing your father's spirit with more speculation until we can be certain of what happened to you. But - Light-kun, you must realize that given how little we know so far, we might only learn how the power is being transferred when you get it back."
"And you really think that if that happened, then I wouldn't be able to refuse it?"
"Tell me, can you imagine yourself accepting it willingly in the first place?"
Light looked down. "I… No. I don't know. I can't see myself doing that, honestly. But the whole thing is so… I mean, I can't really imagine what it would be like to suddenly gain some supernatural power to kill people. But then, when you said you could picture me becoming Kira again, was that what you meant? That it would happen against my will?"
L ran his thumb along his lower lip, looking at Light thoughtfully. "I've always suspected you of being Kira… Given the way you think and what you told me, there's no doubt to me that you were. Now, something happened to you - I don't know what, but I'm almost 100% certain that you are not the same person as when I locked you up. Either something or someone manipulated you, or the power affected your mindset, but… The problem is, I don't know what might become of you - the Light-kun in front of me now - should you get Kira's power back. You working the case with me might very well be part of Kira's original plan. Either he might have thought you would willingly accept the power, or he knew you wouldn't have a choice."
The room fell silent for a moment as Light kept staring at the floor, biting his lip. He eventually looked back at L, determination showing in his eyes. "I don't want to be Kira. I swear to you. If I have anything to say about it, I'll never accept that power. So… I'm willing to take the risk."
But am I? L wondered, tilting his head.
"On one condition, though," Light continued. "If I do become Kira again, if I can't control it… Promise you will stop me."
L hesitated. "Light-kun… Kira might already have planned something ahead for me. I will obviously try, but…"
"Promise me." Light looked desperate, and L swallowed hard as he felt his heart rate pick up a little.
"Alright. I promise," L said, knowing full well that it was a lie and that Light knew it too - but it seemed the younger man needed to hear it, as he visibly sagged in relief. "Now… If you ever remember something useful, maybe we could prevent anything bad from happening," L continued carefully.
Light sighed and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. "Right. Honestly I… I don't exactly remember specific things, but it's more like... Some of my memories don't make sense. For example, I can't figure out what Misa is doing in my life but there's this lingering… fear? I don't know. I remember her showing up at my house one day and begging to be my girlfriend and I didn't want to, but I felt pressured and I just can't figure out why."
L opened his mouth to say something, but Light went on. "I mean, even if I'm the first Kira and she's the second, how would she have found me? Why would I be afraid?"
"There might be more at play here than we thought," L said thoughtfully, his thumb tapping idly on his lower lip. "In any case, this just shows that we must be careful about Misa. And that you're probably right about not wanting to anger her by breaking up with her."
Light let himself fall back onto the bed, crossing his arms over his face. "How did this happen?" he muttered.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean… I know, I know that rationally, with everything I told you... Me being the first Kira does make sense. I guess I'm starting to accept it. But, Ryuzaki…" he trailed off, raising one arm slightly to look L in the eyes. "I still really, really hope you're wrong."
L knew the chances that he was wrong were practically nonexistent at this point, but somehow, he didn't feel like telling Light that. He settled for a different truth. "So do I."
If the look in Light's eyes was any indication, L had apparently managed to say the right thing for once. He swallowed hard, trying to stop the sudden fluttering in his chest as well as silence the ridiculous thought that happiness was a good look on Light.
Such contemplation would get them nowhere.
"Aren't you going to sleep?" L asked idly, his eyes glued to his laptop as he went through the details of the operation one more time.
"I'm fine. Tomorrow is important, I want to help you. If we catch Higuchi and nothing else happens, all of this could finally come to an end."
The blatantly unconvinced tone of Light's voice made L raise his head and look at Light. He didn't need to say anything - Light could tell he hadn't bought what the younger man had said.
Light sighed. "Alright. I'm terrified."
L tilted his head and gave Light a sad smile. "I understand."
It had been less than two weeks since they had talked again and they still knew next to nothing. Light hadn't been able to remember anything useful and they hadn't gotten any closer to understanding how Kira's powers worked. Misa's reveal about Higuchi had accelerated everything, and Light had grown visibly anxious. Well, it was visible to L, at least.
Misa, now… She had been acting weird ever since she had managed to make Higuchi talk. It might be that she had gotten her power back, but L had no way of being sure. Besides, if she was the second Kira, she should have been able to kill him without knowing his name, so… As he was still alive, maybe it was something else. He had been watching her more closely than usual, but nothing had come out of it, so the only thing he could do was be as cautious as possible around her.
Light interrupted L's train of thought, fingers tapping restlessly on the edge of the shared desk they had in their bedroom. "I mean, it might be my last night as myself. I had hoped we'd have more time to figure things out."
"I'm sorry," L replied softly - and he meant it, for once. "The others wouldn't have accepted dragging this out longer now that we know Higuchi is the current Kira. But I could still be wrong," he mused, tracing his lips with his thumb.
Light huffed a small, sad laugh. "You know you don't believe that."
"There's always a small chance. And we don't know what might come from observing Higuchi. Don't admit defeat yet, Light-kun. It's not like you."
The younger man stared back at L silently for a moment, his expression somewhere between fond and disbelieving. He eventually rubbed his hands over his face and stifled a yawn. "Right. Thanks. I… I guess I'm pretty tired. It's probably not helping."
"All the more reason why you should get some sleep," L said, gesturing towards the bed. "I'll need you at full capacity tomorrow."
"What about you?" Light asked.
"What about me?"
"Well, don't you want to sleep too? You may think I don't notice but I know it's been three days, you know."
"I'm fine," L said dismissively. "I should get some more work done."
"Come on Ryuzaki," Light said, rolling his eyes. "I've already seen you go over the files like ten times this evening. Just get some rest. Please."
There was something almost pleading in the way Light had asked that made L pause. He studied the younger man's face for a moment, seeing him grow uneasy under L's piercing stare. The detective suspected Light wasn't exactly as worried about L getting some sleep as much as he was about himself. Ever since they had agreed to work together to try and figure out how to stop Light from becoming Kira again, L had felt Light shift closer to him at night when he thought L was asleep. Not to mention that time he had woken up with Light's fingers tangled in his shirt.
What bothered L, however, was how much it actually didn't bother him. But everything about this was wrong. He probably shouldn't indulge Light.
Then again, he didn't always do what was right.
"Alright," L said at last, jumping to the floor.
They got ready in silence and slipped under the covers, facing each other as they had been doing lately. Hesitation was written all over Light's face, but he eventually asked, "Hey, Ryuzaki? Is it okay if I just…" He didn't continue, but moved a little closer.
L swallowed hard, schooling his features into a blank expression. The feeling in his stomach was back again - a feeling that, after having experienced it way too many times over the past two weeks, he had reluctantly come to classify as butterflies.
Light carefully moved his hand towards L, fingers brushing the fabric of his shirt before tangling themselves in it. "You know," Light said quietly, avoiding L's gaze and staring at his fingers. "You were actually right, back then. Human presence is comforting."
With his eyes wide open and his heart beating out of his chest - how does Light not hear that? - L watched Light close his eyes and settle even closer to L.
This is wrong.
It felt good, though. Just like those other times - but nicer, somehow.
I shouldn't allow this.
Then again, this was about comfort. Nothing else. And L was, admittedly, quite anxious himself. He had grown used to having Light by his side - working together, arguing, everything. The idea that all of it might come to an end wasn't sitting well with him.
So, maybe he could indulge Light - and himself - just this once. Besides, if Light didn't turn out to be the first Kira, the handcuffs would disappear and they would each go their own way, so this would never happen again. And if Light turned out to be… Well. Better not dwell on that right now.
Sighing softly, L lifted the arm that wasn't trapped under his pillow and rested his hand over Light's. The younger man made a soft, contented noise in his sleep that briefly kicked the butterflies in L's stomach into overdrive, until he got a hold of himself and managed to eventually fall asleep as well.
The next evening, as they took their seats in the helicopter, L briefly squeezed Light's shoulder, giving him a reassuring smile - albeit a slightly shaky one. Light just nodded, fear and determination mingling in his eyes.
Moments later, Light touched the Death Note and screamed.
Inside his mind, Kira began laughing.
Thanks for reading! Don't hesitate to let me know what you think :)