Dear Phoebe
I really don't know where to begin. This whole project Mrs. Bliss is having me do is something I never thought I could do. And in doing this it's making me reflect how poorly I've treated you throughout the years. I'm sorry and I know that doesn't change anything. But is strange because I always thought you would be the one id always show this type of stuff to. I never really thought I'd be writing this sort of thing about you for you. Out of anyone you're the one I feel like I can tell almost anything to. But the matter of fact I'm scared to even give any of you these letters.
That isn't the point in this project but I'm scared to open up. I'm scared to be the person I know I can be and you've always made it easy to open up to you. But I think I've always known that I never deserved you.
And I figure one day you'll be out there being the best lawyer or doctor there is and I'll be here alone writing about some nonsense. And it won't be because you don't care it will be because I've pushed you too far or I've pushed you away. I'm good at that arent I phebs? I've done that to Arnold to you to myself and the hand full of other people that actually care about me. I don't know how to stop myself, because all my life I've had to fight for what I have and I think somewhere deep inside I can't allow myself happiness because I don't think I deserve it. Because why should I deserve it after knowing all the horrible shit I've done to you and our friends.
The thing that scares me most is that you know what I'm capable of. And it scares me because for some reason you see potential in me. And for whatever reason, you've stayed by my side. After every fight, every argument we've ever had you still want to be my friend. I can't comprehend why because I know I don't deserve you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness or kindness even your friendship. But you're someone I can always count on.
You're someone I wish I could be. And maybe I'm jealous of you. And it's not just because you're smart or pretty it's the fact you hold yourself together better than I ever could. You respect yourself to know when to pull back to calm down and I don't. I don't know how to not let the beast inside of me roam free.
That's what makes us different because you have control and I don't. I don't deserve you, and you sure as hell don't deserve the way I treat you. No matter how many times I've hurt you, you still have my back. I don't get it. I'm so weak willed I can't control my anger. I can't stop myself from being destructive and every time I even think about giving up you tell me not to.
At the end of the day, you're better than me. I know I shouldn't think that way but I do. Looking at everything I've done I feel so guilty. Because there is nothing I can do to change it. I've fucked up our friendship in so many ways and there's no real way I could say sorry. Because no matter how many times I do I will never forgive myself. I can only try to make myself better but what if I cant. What if I just make myself worse? I can't keep hurting the people I love. What am I suppose to do? I'm rambling at this point phebs. All I really want to say is I'm sorry. And I feel like I'll be saying that a lot in this process but if this is what I have to do ill do it.
Yours truly
Helga