RANMA, RYOGA, AND THE SHRINE AND MOTEL OF THE GODDESS OF LOVE
Chapter 2
Shampoo peddled down the street, humming happily to herself, a delivery box of ramen balanced on the back of her bicycle. A white and black blur streaked by in front of her, almost knocking her from her bike. She pulled up short, startled at the sight of a bride and groom running down the street so fast that petals were cascading off of the bride's bouquet.
"That remind Shampoo," she said. "Must try that new love potion on future husband, Ranma." She looked back at the delivery and then down the street at the building to which she was heading. "No time like present," she shrugged. She unhooked the boxes and heaved them down the street, flattening the fat man standing in front of the building, who woke moments later to find his ramen order balanced on his chest.
"What service," he moaned, before passing out again.
Ranma, with Ryoga in tow, skidded to a halt in front of The Newly Remodeled Shrine and Motel of the Goddess of Love. She took a moment to straighten her wedding dress and brush a little lint off of Ryoga's collar. Then she looked down at the bouquet of flowers she had snatched from the garden on the way out of the Tendo dojo. A couple of bedraggled petals clung to the remaining sagging stems. Ranma shrugged and tossed the 'bouquet' away.
"Hey, old man," she said to the monk in the pink robe standing in front of the entrance. "We're here for the wish."
"The wish?" the monk asked, puzzled.
"You know, the boon thingy," Ranma said, pointing at the sign which read, 'Grand Opening Special: A Special Blessing and Boon from the Goddess Herself for the First Couple to Stay in our Romantic Honeymoon Suite.'
"Oh, I'm sorry," the monk said. "The honeymoon suite is already booked for the evening. By a…" he consulted a note in his hand, "Ranma Saotome. I am waiting for him and his bride to arrive."
"I'm Ranma," Ranma said, pointing a thumb at her chest. The monk followed her thumb to the bounteous bosom to which it pointed and a bead of sweat appeared on the top of his bald head.
"But you're… Mr. Saotome was… I don't…" the monk stammered.
"Here," Ranma said, thrusting the 50,000 yen she had borrowed from Nabiki at the monk. "Now do we get the wish or what?"
The monk grabbed the money and it disappeared into his robes in a flash. "Ah, Ms. Saotome. A pleasure to have you here at The Newly Remodeled Shrine and Motel of the Goddess of Love. And this is your husband?"
"Say hello, dear," Ranma said, jabbing his elbow into the ribs of a dazed Ryoga Hibiki.
"Ryoga Hibiki," Ryoga said, blinking at the monk.
"Ah, so you're now Ranma Hibiki," the monk said, turning back to Ranma.
Ranma swallowed back the bile rising in her throat at the very thought of being 'Ranma Hibiki.' "Um, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Ranma Hibiki. Ryoga's my new husband."
"Very good, very good," the monk said. "Come in, please, won't you? We'll get you newlyweds registered."
The monk stepped through the large, wooden doors into the courtyard of the shrine. He glanced back over his shoulder at the lovely young woman leading her dazed husband through the door. Ah well, many men looked a little dazed after getting married. Especially when their bride was as beautiful as this young man's was. Yes, yes. This would work out well. The attractive couple, the first newlyweds to stay in The Newly Remodeled Shrine and Motel of the Goddess of Love's honeymoon suite, would look very nice on the brochures and billboards for the shrine.
The monk led Ranma and Ryoga to the front desk. He pulled out a massive guest book and turned to the first page. "So, Mr. and Mrs. Ryoga Hibiki, correct?" he asked.
"That's correct," Ranma said, lapsing into 'cute' mode and batting her eyes at the monk. She had found that using her 'feminine wiles' to keep guys off balance precluded too many questions.
"May I see the marriage license?" the monk asked.
"The wha-?" Ranma stammered.
"The marriage license," the monk, said. "You do have your marriage license, don't you?"
"We, ah, must have forgotten it," Ranma said quickly.
The monk frowned. "You understand, we have a certain reputation to uphold," he said. "We can't have just anyone staying in our honeymoon suite. It could cause a scandal! I'm afraid without a marriage license…"
Ranma cocked her head to the side, clasped her hands over her breasts, and batted her eyelashes at the monk. "Oh dear," she said. "Isn't there something you could do? We were so looking forward to spending our honeymoon here, weren't we sweetums?" She elbowed Ryoga again.
"Um, ah, yes," Ryoga stammered. "Yes, that's right, my little sweet pea." He said this last through gritted teeth.
The monk scratched his chin. "Well," he said. "We have some forms here. I guess we could fill one out and use that as the marriage license."
"Oh, could you?" Ranma gushed. "That would be so sweet of you."
"Yeah, just swell," Ryoga added.
The monk reached under the counter and pulled out a long sheet of parchment. Then he picked up his pen, flicked it across his tongue, and placed it with a flourish on the first blank on the form. "Groom's full name?" he asked.
Ten minutes later, after giving their names, parents names, addresses, blood types, and a host of other information, the monk declared the form complete. He looked it over, and then paused. "Oh dear," he said.
"What now?" Ranma asked.
"Well, the form has to be signed by the official presiding at the ceremony to be valid," the monk said.
Ranma batted her eyes again. "Can't we just… forget that part?" she asked, waving her white-gloved hand dismissively over the form.
"Oh, heavens no," the monk said. "This is an official form. We could get in trouble if we…" He paused. "Wait! I know! I could sign the form as the presiding official!"
"Oh, could you?" Ranma asked.
"Of course," the monk said. "As a cleric of the Goddess of Love, I'm empowered to preside at wedding ceremonies."
"Wonderful!" Ranma said.
"All I have to do is perform the ceremony."
"What?" Ryoga exclaimed.
"Oh, it will just be a formality," the monk said. "After all, you're already married."
"Oh, can't you just sign the form?" Ranma asked.
"Oh, no. I couldn't do that," the monk said. "That would be dishonest. What would the Goddess say?"
"But… but…" Ryoga stammered.
"Come along," the monk said. "The chapel is this way." He opened a door behind the front desk. "Hey, get out here!" he called through the door. "We need to do a quick wedding ceremony." Then he strode out from around the counter and down another hallway.
"Ranma…" Ryoga hissed.
"Come on," Ranma said, pulling Ryoga by the arm. "Let's get this over with. It's not like we're really going to be married. We're both guys. Guys can't really marry guys. Just play along."
The chapel at the shrine was a small, candle-filled space of gleaming white marble with pink and red bunting scattered liberally throughout. At the front was a statue of a beautiful woman in flowing robes. Before her was an altar on a small dais. The monk grabbed Ryoga. "Come on," he said, pulling the Lost Boy to the front of the chapel. Ranma started to follow, but someone grabbed her by the arm. She spun to face them, hands flying up to ward off the expected attack.
Instead, she was faced with two young women in pink robes who smiled and giggled. "Hello, Mistress," they said in unison. "We are Ling and Lang. We are acolytes here at the temple. You need to wait for the music to start." One of them – Ranma wasn't sure which was Ling and which was Lang – handed her a bouquet of white roses.
The old monk took his place at the front of the chapel, Ryoga standing beside and a little in front of him, a dazed look on his face. He did look rather handsome, Ranma mused, despite the glassy look of his eyes. Her friend and rival would make some lucky woman a good husband someday. Provided they didn't mind a husband who turned into a little black piglet now and again and disappeared for months on end.
The monk nodded and an organ started playing the Wedding March. "Come along, Mistress," Ling and Lang said, and then started up the aisle, strewing rose petals ahead of Ranma, who strode along behind them.
"Let's just get this over with," Ranma muttered.
Ling and Lang took up positions on either side of the monk.
Ryoga turned to watch Ranma. No stately walk for this bride. Still, watching her come up the aisle, Ryoga felt his breath catch. She really was beautiful, even if she was practically stomping up the aisle.
'No, no, no,' he thought. 'That's Ranma, not a real girl. Your long-standing enemy and rival. The bane of your existence.' Still, she was breathtaking. Her long red hair cascaded off her shoulders and billowed behind her like flowing water.
'If only someday my real bride could be so beautiful,' Ryoga thought. 'Even Akane…' He mentally slapped himself. He was about to think that even Akane paled in comparison to the lovely young woman coming up the aisle. But this was Ranma! How on earth did he let her talk him into this insanity? Still, it was nice to pretend that he was really getting married to such a lovely creature.
No! Stop it! It's RANMA!
Ryoga averted his eyes, studying his reflection in the tops of his patent leather shoes.
Ranma reached the front of the chapel and stood beside Ryoga, her eyes focused straight ahead at a spot on the wall behind the monk.
"Please hold hands," the monk said.
Ranma and Ryoga each blushed and slowly raised their hands until they touched. Then Ryoga slipped his large, calloused fingers around Ranma's dainty ones. 'Her hand is so soft,' he thought. 'So warm.'
"Dearly beloved," the monk intoned. "We are gathered here today to unite this man and this woman in the eternal bonds of Holy Matrimony. Marriage is a blessed state, not to be entered into lightly. It is a struggle to keep the glow of love alive through the long, tedious years that follow the initial blush of passion. Yet with the blessing of the Goddess, her name be ever praised, that love can grow and deepen and, with the consolation of many, many children, that love can endure to the end of time."
Ranma made a little gagging noise deep in her throat.
The monk turned to Ranma. "Do you, Ranma Saotome, take this man as your lawful wedded husband; to love, honor and obey from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said.
The monk then turned to Ryoga. "And do you, Ryoga Hibiki, take this woman as your lawful wedded wife; to love, honor and cherish from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"
Ryoga stood there, looking stunned. His mouth moved, but nothing came out.
"Say 'I do'," the monk prompted.
"I… I…" Ryoga stammered. Ranma jabbed him, hard, with her elbow. "Dooooo," Ryoga exhaled painfully.
"Do you have the rings?" the monk asked.
"What rings?" Ranma asked.
The monk rolled his eyes. "You two really are unprepared for marriage, aren't you? Fortunately, we here at The Newly Remodeled Shrine and Motel of the Goddess of Love are always prepared. Ling? Lang? Rings."
The two acolytes rushed off and returned a moment later with two rings: one a plain man's gold band; the other a woman's band with a small diamond. The girls dropped the rings in the monk's hand. "Here you go, Master," they said in unison.
The monk took the rings in the palm of his right hand, turned and held his hand up to the statute of the goddess. "Oh Great Goddess," he intoned, "your blessing be upon these rings and those who wear them, that they may be worthy symbols of their love for one other."
He turned and handed the woman's ring to Ryoga. "Put this on her finger," the monk said, nodding toward Ranma. "And repeat after me: 'Ranma, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. May the unbroken circle be a sign of the endlessness of my love for you."
Ryoga took the ring from the monk, jammed it on Ranma's finger, and said, "Here."
"Um, close enough, I guess," the monk said. He handed the other ring to Ranma. "Put his on his finger and repeat after me: Ryoga, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. May the unbroken circle be a sign of the endlessness of my love for you."
Ranma jammed the ring on Ryoga's finger. "What he said," she said, jerking her head toward the monk.
The monk shrugged. They might be a cute couple, but they each seemed a few bricks shy of a load. "Now, by the powers of the Goddess, and the authority vested in me by the competent civil authorities, I pronounce you husband and wife. What we have joined here today, no man may split asunder."
He turned and smiled at Ryoga. "You may kiss the bride," he said.
Ryoga turned and looked at Ranma. He could feel a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. Kiss the bride? But the bride was Ranma! He couldn't kiss Ranma. Ranma was a guy.
Although…
Ranma certainly didn't look like a guy right now. In fact, Ryoga wasn't sure that he had ever seen a more beautiful girl. Even Akane… No! Don't think like that! He screwed his eyes shut and tried to imagine Akane. That's it, think about Akane, your true love.
The monk was looking expectantly from Ryoga to Ranma and back again. It was obvious he wasn't going to continue the ceremony until the couple kissed. Ranma rolled her eyes. Ryoga seemed frozen in place. She sighed, closed her eyes, puckered up, and leaned in toward Ryoga.
Ryoga's attempts to imagine Akane's beautiful smile were interrupted by the feel of soft lips pressing lightly against his. Startled but delighted that Akane would kiss him, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close, deepening the kiss.
Ranma's eyes flew open. Ryoga was kissing her. And not a light peck on the lips kiss, which is what she had intended. A full-blown, lip-mashing, body to body, toe-curling kiss.
Ranma tried to pull away, but Ryoga had always been stronger than she was, especially when she was in her girl form. She struggled, but Ryoga's crushing hug had pinned her arms to her sides. She tried to tell him to stop, but with Ryoga's lips pressed to tightly against hers, all she could manage was "Mmmmm! Mmmmm!"
Ryoga was in heaven. He could feel the girl snuggling up against him and moaning with pleasure. He hugged her tighter.
Too tight! She couldn't breath! Ranma's struggling slowed, then stopped. She was moments away from passing out all together.
The monk smiled beatifically. Ah, the two were so obviously in love. Just look at the passion of their kiss. But as the kiss stretched for a minute, then two, the bride seemed to go limp in the groom's arms. Perhaps it was best if the groom saved some of his ardor for the bridal suite. He tapped Ryoga on the shoulder. "Excuse me, young man!"
Ryoga was oblivious to the monk's attempts to pry the couple apart. This was so perfect! Here he was kissing his wife, the beautiful Ranma. Wait… Ranma?
Ryoga's eyes flew open…
This was getting ridiculous, the monk thought. Unable to pry the two young lovers apart, he grabbed a nearby flower vase, tossed out the flowers, and threw the water in the vase on the newlyweds.
Ranma had been almost at the point of passing out, thanks to the combination of Ryoga's passionate kiss and crushing hug. Almost, that is, until the monk splashed her and Ryoga with a vase full of flower-scented water. Suddenly, Ranma found herself lips to lips with a little black pig.
"Ahhhhh!" she cried and flung the piglet across the chapel. P-chan slammed into the wall and bounced right back, smacking into Ranma's chest and glomming onto the first thing he hit – Ranma's bosom.
"You pervert!" Ranma cried, and smacked the pig against the wall again.
P-chan slammed into the wall again, this time with a 'splat' and, knocked temporarily senseless, he slid down the wall and 'plopped' against the floor. There was a contented smile on his little piggy face and a thin stream of blood oozed out of his little piggy snout.
"A most unusual ceremony," the monk said, shaking his head.
A dripping Ranma turned to the monk. "Now what about that wish?" she said.
"So sorry, Honorable Mrs. Hibiki," the monk said with a bow. "The blessing and boon can only be given after the husband and wife have spent the night in the bridal suite. That was the point, after all. I am afraid that since your husband is now a pig…"
"You got any hot water?" Ranma interrupted.
"Of course," the monk said. "The honeymoon suite is equipped with both a Jacuzzi and a hot tub."
Ranma walked over and picked up the little black pig. "Well, then," she said, "let's get this honeymoon started."
Ling and Lang, the two acolytes, giggled.
Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement to continue. Thanks also to my good friend for editing this chapter before posting. Everyone give P a waive [sic].
Fair warning, although I am trying to stick close to the anime/manga characters we all know and love, I will be lapsing occasionally into rabid OOC territory. (I know, I know, kind of late to disclose that now). But isn't that what fan-fiction is about? The chance to play with our favorite characters and make them do what we want them to do?
Besides, I personally think that Ranma-chan and Ryoga make a cute couple.