AUTHORS NOTE: Yes, I know, I wrote another chapter of this madness. Can't help myself! Must feed the beast! And for amusement purposes, Ironhide's sparkmate, Chromia, doesn't exsist here. Makes it more fun to play with Ironhide if he doesn't have baggage.
And anyone who wants to gasp, flame me, scream, throw things – THIS IS NOT A SERIOUS FIC!
Chapter 2"GLEN! I swear, if you don't turn that OFF, right now, I'll... I'll...!!" Maggie Madsen was covering her eyes with her hands, not wanting at all to see what her cohort, Glen Whitmann, was watching on his computer screen.
Glen was laughing. "Mags, its really funny! C'mon, its ROBOTS."
"You can't watch that sort of thing on a Government computer, at a Government facility, during Government working hours! Stop it!" Maggie was pleading now, rocking in her seat. She was not going to watch one of the heroes of the epic Mission City fight be degraded. Even though it appeared and sounded like (she had watched a few snatched seconds here and there, her bad) Optimus Prime was definitely not the one being degraded. In fact, he was getting such moans and squeals of pleasure from the alien femme he was, er, 'attached' to, that Maggie felt her feminine skills were very inferior in comparison. And how on Earth did Optimus manage to move his hips like that? It wasn't right.
A long deep grunt of pure male satisfaction echoed around the small office, followed by the flash of thick blue light. Maggie knew that must have been some sort of climax on behalf of Optimus Prime, and perhaps that was the end of the movie. She started to look up, and was appalled to see that the naughty pair were still 'connected' and Optimus was moving the female on the screen from her stance on top of his supine body and placing her underneath him. The new position signalled the beginning of a whole new round of robot sex.
"OH GOD! Enough!" She leapt to her feet and escaped from the office, power walking down the hall away from the non-stop porn fest Glen was intent on watching. A shriek of laughter followed Maggie's disappearance down the hall. Just let the SecDef catch him viewing that, Maggie thought desperately, shaking her head.
Maggie wasn't the only one having serious personal issues. Sam was insistently annoying Bumblebee for more information on what a male Transformer did with a female Transformer. The Camero could only explain so much, since he hadn't ever had the pleasure of being with a female, himself. And after Optimus Prime's order that he not show his best friend Sam his interface equipment, he was very empty of appropriate answers.
"Sam, this isn't right, he's told you as much as he knows, stop badgering him for more!" Mikaela was sitting cross-legged on the lawn, her wrists balanced on her knees so her hands dangled in the air.
Sam looked at her, scratching the back of his head. "I just want to make sure we've got this right, we're the main human liaison for the Autobots, I mean, c'mon, the rest of the world has seen the movie, and we haven't. If the only way to know anything is to question 'Bee, that's what we'll have to do."
Bumblebee was lying on his back on the lawn, legs stretched out. His optics were switching from looking at his two human companions to staring up at the night sky. He honestly wished he had experience with another female, but he didn't. Like Mikaela had expressed, there was only so much he could explain. Bumblebee had seen the movie – he'd viewed it before Sam had reluctantly deleted it – and he was quite in awe of his Commander's abilities. He hadn't realised Prime was so... skilled. And adaptable. Optimus Prime never failed to be interesting.
"Bee? Bee!"
He wanted to learn more. Would it be a breach of confidentiality or morals to ask Optimus for some coaching? Optimus was after all his teacher, and elder guardian. And he wasn't going to approach Ironhide, although 'Hide had a reputation for being one of the biggest; as the humans put it; 'sluts'; in the Autobot ranks –
"BUMBLEBEE! Hello! Hey!" Sam put a hand on Bee's chest, tapping his fingers.
The Camero's optics flickered and his head lifted up off the ground as he focused on Sam, "My apologies, Sam, I was contemplating. What were you asking?"
Sam rolled his eyes, his mouth quirking up into a grin, "S'alright Bee, we're all doing a lot of that at the moment. I was wanting to check if I have understood everything you've tried to explain. Mind if I run my ideas by you?"
"Of course, go ahead. I am listening."
"Right, so." Sam placed his hands on his hips, thinking. Bumblebee and Mikaela watched him pace and walk in small circles, human and robot heads focused on him. "You guys all have a spark. A blue glowing thing, in your chests. The females have this too. It's kinda like your version of a human soul. It's what makes you guys different from one another."
"Yes." Bee kept his optics on his human.
"What we call sex, you call interfacing, and interfacing involves two methods, usually done together. One is putting your sparks together somehow, and the other is joining or connecting some wires."
"Wires isn't the right word, Sam." Bumblebee sat up, bracing his arms behind him to keep upright, and carefully checking to see he was not poking his head above the neighbourhood fence height.
"You don't call your dick a wire, Sam," Mikaela said dryly.
Sam snorted at her, shaking his head, "But that's what it sounds like. See, this is why I'm checking."
"Sam, the proper term is an interface connector and it is much thicker than a single wire. We also have many different terms for it, just like Mikaela referred to your penis as a dick."
Mikaela leaned forwards and covered her face with her hands, moaning slightly. She was thanking God that Sam's parents weren't currently home to hear this little conversation!
"Er, okay. I haven't understood the connector part then. Explain again, please?" Sam asked.
Bumblebee nodded, lifting one hand to touch at the point on his abdomen where the interface connector appeared from. Mikaela was fascinated that it apparently came from almost the same place where men had their penis! If just a little higher.
"The connector is hidden under this panel." Bee tapped a finger underneath the spot where the bellybutton was on a human. "I believe you didn't understand my measurement explanation before, so for comparison purposes, it is approximately as thick as your lower arm, but this does vary from mech to mech."
Mikaela gasped, sitting up straight with her eyelids fluttering.
Sam choked, bending forwards and coughing, "... You're kidding me!! And by mech you mean, male...?"
"Yes," Bumblebee nodded, "Our males are referred to as mechs. Females are femmes."
"Bumblebee, please don't explain again about you guys putting that thing into a female Transformer, I think we get that," Mikaela tried desperately, stretching the width of one hand over her face and rubbing tiredly at her eyes.
"That information is correct. They have an interface port of approximate depth and width to accommodate-"
"BEE! No more!" Mikaela cut him short, waving both hands in the air to shut him up.
Sam was grinning wildly. He was enjoying this. He felt sorry for Optimus Prime; not to an extreme extent, since from all reports the guy had seriously enjoyed himself making the film; but this experience was letting the humans explore a whole new side to the robot aliens. And why was Mikaela being squeamish? Out of the three of them in the backyard, she had waaay more experience than he and Bumblebee did! She'd been around the block so many times she could've been the information booth for tourists.
Sam thought of something else, "Is there any rivalry about which mech has the biggest, um, you know, connector thing?"
Mikaela let loose a huff, shaking her head. Sam had all the stupid questions. Stupid male questions.
"Not as far as I am aware," Bumblebee responded uncertainly. "I have seen on the World Web that humans compete about penis size, which is strange since there is nothing you can do to change your own dimensions. It is pre-determined before your birth, is it not?"
"Yeah, it is. And you're right, its very stupid. Add it on to that long list called 'Stupid Shit Humans Do'," Sam agreed. Yet another dumb human trait. Those with big ones boasted and put themselves in the spotlight. Smaller endowed males hid and hung onto that old chestnut of quality not quantity, with both, er, hands.
Bumblebee's optics travelled down to look curiously at Sam's crotch, "From my previous scans of your form, and by cross-referencing to human male statistical data, you are in the average category for penis length, Sam, but above average for width."
"Oh, for God's sake! Shuttup, both of you! Arghh!" Mikaela put both hands over her ears. She wasn't going to listen anymore to Sam and Bee's stupid conversation.
Back at the Autobot Base, Ratchet and Ironhide were having an intimate conversation of their own. Optimus Prime had left; an appointment with various US Government officials; thus giving the two remaining Autobots a chance to freely discuss Prime's predicament.
"I do not believe it, will not believe it and refuse forevermore to believe it," Ratchet muttered with determination, standing with both of his hands covering his faceplates in woe.
"What? This just proves he really doesn't have such a big stick up his aft as we thought. I mean, he's so slaggin' QUIET. Never discusses femmes like we do, rarely mentions Elita One, and yet, there he is, prancing about on screen doing things even I haven't thought of to do with a female!" Ironhide was sprawled out on a large chair, one arm hanging off the back of the headrest. He was grinning from audio to audio. This new piece of information on Optimus was going to be used as ammunition for millenia to come.
"Ironhide, we have to be understanding with this. He's going to cop one hell of a slagging from the humans here. Wether they fully understand our species or not-"
"They do now!" Ironhide blatantly interupted with a mad laugh.
Ratchet held up a hand, frowning, "Some humans may use this as a chance to hurt Optimus. I have no doubt this was Barricade's intention. We must be prepared to provide Optimus with any help and support he may require."
Ironhide sat fully upright, gesturing at the computer screen showing paused images of Optimus and the femme, "He doesn't need any help with femme formatting from what I'm looking at. It's a wonder that poor femme didn't get radiation leakage from Optimus exposing his spark to her for so long."
"IRONHIDE! Will you get your CPU out of the smelting cesspit for once?!" Ratchet spat, clenching both hands into angry fists.
"Eh. Sure, sure, you know I'll help any way I can. I'm just having a go..." Ironhide grumped. Ratchet could have sworn Ironhide looked like he was pouting. Large, black, dangerous, cannon-toting, mech. With a pout.
The medic went silent for a second. His optics bore into Ironhide's armor plated thick head, thinking on Ironhide's level. "You're worried you've lost your position at the top of the femme harassment list," he suddenly stated triumphantly.
"It is not harassment! Its conquests and interface accomplishment totals!" Ironhide declared, holding his head up and not looking at all ashamed or embarrassed.
"I know about the conquests bit, every time we tried to un-dock the ARK from a space station after loading supplies, Optimus would need to warn the latest female in your quarters that we were about to leave and this was her last chance to disembark or get stuck travelling with us."
Ironhide's faceplates glazed over with happy reminiscing, "Heh, yeah, that was the only good thing about searching for the Allspark. New females at all the spaceports."
"Ugh, I am NOT going through this again. No. Just... no. Those walls between our quarters were too thin, I should have moved to another level." Ratchet held up his hands, beginning to stalk away, as if Ironhide could pass on his demented ideas to Ratchet's clean CPU by osmosis.
Ironhide went after him, abandoning his chair, "C'mon Ratch, maybe we can find you a nice human fem-"
...Ironhide didn't remember being shot in the chest with a low-range ion rifle at near point blank range. He just curiously fingered the still-hot blast circle on his chestplates when he awoke sprawled on the floor sometime later and Ratchet was mysteriously absent.