2 Outside

The morning after the bar scene I could barely face the day. All the water had been drained from my system, and yet I still had to pee every five minutes. The sunrays coming in from the skylight screwed themselves into my eyes, making the bones around them burn with ache. But the worst was the sound of my sons crying. My eardrums roared in pain, nearly crumbling in defeat at his whale. I felt so ashamed at that, nearly crying myself when little Phil had to be removed from our room. And yet I could not do anything to end it. All I could do was hope that sleep could cure this. A long…long…sleep.

"That's it! Get up!" Arnold yelled as he tore off my blanketed sanctuary. "You are not going to lie in bed all day. I know life was hard for you yesterday, I know you may still be feeling the effects of that hardness, but tough. I'm not going to let you give up!" I moaned angrily at his voice, putting our big foam pillows to my ears. He took them off before they reached the lobes.

"I mean it Helga! UP!"

"But my head hurts…"

"Deal with it! We're going for a walk." He threw me my bathrobe and shower caddy. "Get cleaned and dressed. I'll be waiting outside." I hated how he spat his words at me like a drill sergeant. What right did that football head have to yell like that? Yes, I did screw up. But I didn't crap on the Pope! Crimany!

"I don't have to take shit from you bucko!"

"And I don't have to take this from you! But I do!" he stormed out, nearly falling on the steps as he went. I stood there, forcing the image of Arnolds irritated look from my eyes. I wanted to bury it; I wanted to take this retched feeling out from me so I never had to feel it again! But, I sighed; I knew that no matter what I did, it would still be there. Because I had created it.

The shower was cold, but I knew that it would be. One of the things I hated about the boarding house was that the hot water was usually gone by the second person, leaving the rest of us to bathe in the artic. Oddly enough, I had gotten used to that.

I got dressed in as many layers as I could find and went outside. Arnold was waiting on the stoop for me, shivering a little. I made sure to look at him, and not the piercing light around me. He smiled faintly.

"Ok, I have been thinking," he said as he got up. We walked down the stoop with coupled hands and turned right, passing the shops and markets. There were many people out despite the harsh cold. I could see some of them shuffling around in a sad attempt to generate heat.

"I think your sister is right. Now, before you get mad, hear me out. I know that it may seem harsh of her, but she said those things because she loves you. Olga didn't get the same treatment from your parents as you had so she does not know what it's like to feel hated. Just like I am sure you don't know what it's like to feel accepted." I lowered my head as he talked, not willing to glance his way. I had to admit it; some of what he said was making sense. But only some.

"I also think you were right. No matter how good those words were meant to be, they did hurt."

"Yea…" I sighed.

"So that is I why, I think, we all need to have a family dinner."

"A what!" I said, my eyes growing wide. "You mean, with her!"

"And your parents." I took my hand away from Arnold, shocked to find his true attentions. If this was some kind of joke, it was not funny.

"What makes you think a dinner is going to fix anything football head? They hate me and love her. No dinner is going to change that!" I put my hands on my head, the glaring daylight causing it throb in immense, pounding, pain. My eardrums rang out, nearly bursting from the sounds of the city, my stomach ready to blow at any moment. I crouched down in dire the hope that my lowered knees and cranium could calm my overreacting body. I felt like the slightest touch could erupt me. After a while though, the feeling started to fade…slowly. I got up gingerly; ready to yak at the first sign trouble.

"I really don't like that idea Arnold."

"I thought as much. But Helga, we have to do it. If we don't start to fix this now, nothing will ever change. You'll continue hating them, and they will continue loving Olga. No one will know what's really going on until someone speaks up. Come on, be the bigger woman here!"

"No!" I cried. I quickly turned direction and walked home, wishing I never left the comfort of our bed. It was so simple under there, and it was getting hard out here.

The wind blew at my hair, nipping at my earlobes. I could hear Arnold rushing to catch up to me, but I didn't care. I put my hands on my face to shield myself from the elements.

"You have to listen to me," Arnold pleaded, "Helga, I want little Phil to know your parents AND your sister. It's what's right and you know it!" I sighed, picking up the pace. I reached the stoop before long and went inside. I ripped off my coat and went upstairs. When Arnold reached me I was already under the safety of the covers.

"God Damn it Helga!" he yelled as he slammed the door. "Why is this so hard to take? Its just dinner!" I didn't say anything, the blankets completely over me. I didn't even move to let him know I heard him. I just lay there, protected by the thick softness. Arnold stood around a while longer before getting too annoyed to stand it.

"Fine! Be that way! I'm going to Gerald and Phoebe's! Make sure to feed your son! My grandparents raised enough kids in their lifetime." I lifted my head when he left, surprised that he would. And yet, looking at what just happened it was not so hard to understand.

I knew something had to change, but what could I do? I am a deadly mix of Merriam's drunkenness and the blowhard's stubbornness. Arnold should know that I have no other genetic choice. He's not inside my head; he's not there to see the hurt I get! But as I thought more and more about it, I saw that he was not inside our room. He was not inside his own house. My horrible actions had pushed the one person I loved outside his world. There was only one way to mend this.

After a quick cigarette behind the boarding house I had reasoned that if it was only one dinner, things could not be so terrible. All we had to do was serve a simple meal and not much else. If I know dad, he won't stick around long. As for Olga, well…if it will get Arnold back into our room I will deal with her.

I called Arnold and he seemed happy that I turned around. He said that as soon as he could, he'd set the whole thing up. All I had to do was worry about the meal.

"Ok, seems fair," I breathed into the phone. "When will you be back?"

"In a bit. Gerald has this new game he's been dying to show me. I should be home shortly after that. Did you feed little Phil?"

"Yes, about an hour ago and now he's napping. Should be ready for a diaper change soon."

"Good. I'm glad. You'll see Helga, this won't be so bad." Arnold said as he clicked off cheerfully. I fought the urge to puke and went to go check on my son.