Never once had Chakotay imagined that the first time he would come to Indiana would be like this, and his imagination had taken him countless times to this familiar house he had so often seen in pictures. It was, however, much bigger in reality than it was in his imagination. And, of course, he had imagined coming here with Kathryn, both happy to be home or if he would have come alone it would only have been because he wanted to visit her. It had never even crossed his mind that he would stand alone in front Kathryn's childhood home one day to visit his sister and nephew. It wasn't a big surprise to him that it didn't feel right.

Maybe he should've ignored her words and waited for her, he thought. There was a time when he would've done it without thinking and he wondered where that time had gone. He was aware that their friendship had taken damage over their journey, especially in the last few years, though he didn't know why. There wasn't a specific situation that had caused it, it was merely a slow process and he hoped they could reverse this process. To spend the next two weeks in the same house could be a good opportunity, if only Kathryn wouldn't be so shocked that Sekaya lived here.

He shook his head and an ironic smile passed his features. If Sekaya hadn't been living here he wouldn't be staying here either. He would have spent two weeks apart from Kathryn for the first time in seven years. Since he met her.

He shuddered at the thought. He couldn't imagine being apart from her and somehow he was glad that they were being forced together again. If only Kathryn would feel the same.

Maybe he should listen to his own words, he thought. He told Sekaya to give Kathryn time. Maybe he should just do the same.

He nodded at this thought. Yes, he would give her time and space to come to terms with everything. And then they could renew their friendship.

Feeling better, he shifted his attention to the house. A small, neat flowerbed on the right and left side of the porch stairs caught his eye. He was pretty sure those hadn't been in Kathryn's pictures and yet the flowers and how they were arranged had a strange familiarity to him. It was undoubtedly Sekaya's work. She had from the very beginning a particular liking for plant life and loved to work in their garden on Dorvan. He noticed that she actually had planted a shrub which was native to Dorvan and he knew it must've taken a lot of effort to bring it to grow and blossom in this climate.

The house, however, didn't look as well-treated as the flowerbeds. It appeared old, weather-beaten. The paint was peeling off the walls and railing and as he took a close look at the roof his skilled eye immediately saw that there was a lot of work to do. He made a mental note to offer Gretchen his help.

"Chakotay?"

Chakotay spun around. Sekaya was walking toward him, her son's hand firmly in her own, a questioning frown on her face. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to wait for Kathryn."

He looked at his feet and tugged at his earlobe. "Yeah, but she didn't want me to wait if I could be here with you."

Sekaya quickly put two and two together. "She sent you away?"

"Yes," he nodded. "It's okay," he assured her when he saw her disappointment. "She wanted me to meet Chapa. She'll come later."

He smiled at his nephew and squatted beside him. Chapa was eyeing him carefully and pressed his little body against his mother's leg.

"Hey," Sekaya said soothingly and knelt down. "This is your uncle Chakotay."

Chapa didn't look too convinced that he had anything to do with the big stranger in front of him and wrapped his arms around his mother's neck.

"Do you remember me, Chapa? We talked a few months ago. It's nice to meet you in person," Chakotay said but decided not to reach out as he seemed to frighten the little boy. "I hope we can be friends."

A shy smile appeared on Chapa's face but then he turned away. Sekaya picked him up and Chakotay rose. "It's amazing," he said with a slight shake of his head after he had accepted that his first meeting with his nephew wasn't as enthusiastic as he thought it would be. "He looks exactly like you."

"Like me?" Sekaya chuckled and ruffled through Chapa's pitch-black hair. "He's the spitting image of you."

"I don't think so." Chakotay tried to take a closer look but Chapa was becoming shy by all this attention and hid his face in his mother's shoulder.

"You'll see," Sekaya said to Chakotay, caressing her son's back. "Shall we go in?"

Chakotay sighed, his shoulders sagged. "Yeah… we probably should."

Together they walked towards the house. Chapa's shyness suddenly evaporated and he started to wriggle so Sekaya let him down. He ran the last steps and climbed the stairs.

"Grandma," he yelled excitedly while pulling his shoes off. "Grandma!"

Chakotay looked at his sister. "He's calling Gretchen 'Grandma'?"

Sekaya nodded hesitantly, uncertain of Chakotay's reaction. "She is as close as he can get to a grandmother. I hope you don't mind."

Chakotay watched his nephew placing his shoes on a little shelf next to the door and swallowed uncomfortably. He didn't know how he should feel. The last few days had been full of surprises, of unexpected turns. Still, he knew Sekaya only wanted the best for her son and he couldn't blame her for giving him a stable childhood home. Though, there was a time when he dreamed that his own children would call Gretchen Janeway Grandma one day, simply because she would be her grandmother.

He knew this thought was dangerous ground, so he quickly put it in a box and stored it away. It had been long ago since he had given this dream up.

Turning, he smiled at Sekaya. "Of course, I don't mind. It's wonderful."

A relieved smile appeared on her face and as they climbed the few steps Gretchen came out of the door.

"Grandma!" Chapa exclaimed happily, blissfully ignoring Chakotay.

"Chapa, my little angel." She bent down and kissed his head. "I hope you had fun today." He nodded excited. "That's great," she smiled and straightened. "Chakotay, welcome to Indiana."

"It's nice to be here. Thank you for letting me stay at your home."

She waved dismissively and gestured inside. "No need to thank me. Now, come in, come in."

She and Chapa walked into the house and Sekaya stopped Chakotay by pointing at the shelf. She slipped out of her shoes and placed them next to her son's and Chakotay grinned and did as he was commanded before he went inside. Stopping in the hall he looked around. So this was where Kathryn Janeway grew up.

He was curious and he knew it, though there wasn't much to see in the dim-lighted hall.

"Chakotay, why are you standing there?" Gretchen called out of the kitchen. "Join us in here. Do you want a coffee? Or a tea?"

He walked into the kitchen. "A tea would be nice, thanks," he said, taking in his surroundings. "You have a wonderful home, Mrs. Janeway."

"That's Gretchen for you," she corrected him while placing an old-fashioned teapot on the stove. "And you don't have to be polite," she said bluntly and his mouth dropped open, astonished. Patting his cheek in a very familiar way, her grey eyes twinkled. "You haven't seen it yet," she explained.

He was taken aback but all he could do was nodding in agreement. She was absolutely right.

"Chapa, why don't you show Chakotay the living room? We will follow shortly." Chapa glanced hesitantly at Chakotay. "There's no need to be shy," Gretchen told him. "I'm sure he would love to see your toys."

Chapa's face lit up at the last word and he slid off his chair. Chakotay smiled at him but Chapa passed his uncle without looking at him and seemed to prefer a safe distance between them. Chakotay followed him, trying to hide his disappointment.

They entered the light-flooded living room and Chakotay noticed how cozy it was despite its size. He instantly liked the large sitting area with various armchairs and a couch in front of a fireplace. Many pictures hung above the fireplace and he would love to take a look but Chapa distracted him by pointing at a corner with boxes on a blanket.

"Is this your place?" he asked and the little boy nodded. "It looks nice. Would you like to show me your toys?" Again, Chapa nodded and walked to the corner, sitting on the blanket and opened one of the boxes. Chakotay followed him and sat down beside him. "What do you have in there?"

Instead of giving an answer, Chakotay noticed that he hadn't said a word to him yet, he turned the box over and a lot of colorful blocks fell out. "Uh, blocks! We could build something."

Chapa looked with wide eyes at Chakotay, obviously surprised that Chakotay was so excited and really intended to play with him and for the first time he smiled genuinely at Chakotay.

When Sekaya and Gretchen entered the living room a few minutes later with tea and cookies, the two boys were playing quietly and Sekaya smiled gratefully at Gretchen who gave her a knowing wink.

=/\=

"Sekaya, why is Chapa so cautious?"

They were standing on the back porch, leaning against the railing, sipping tea and watching insects dancing in the humid air.

Sekaya sighed and looked down in her tea cup. She knew what he was referring to and it made her sad. "Do you want to hear the short or the long story?"

"What's the short story about?"

"I would tell you that he wasn't often around men and when he was, they weren't very gentle to him."

"And the long story?"

"The long story would be how I ended up here and how our life has been since then."

"Then I choose the long one."

"I thought you would." Swirling her tea in her cup, Sekaya smiled sadly. "I always believed that I would stay on Dorvan, would be able to do my job which I loved, meet a man eventually and have a family. The attack, however, changed everything. I lost my footing, my roots and my dreams in a blink of an eye. I know I should have felt lucky to have survived but I didn't. I wanted to be dead too because I didn't see a purpose in my life anymore."

"Why didn't you come to me?"

"Why didn't I come to you?" she repeated disbelievingly. "Why didn't you come to me? You were so… stubborn and outraged. The only thing you had in mind was finding Sveta and seeking revenge. Did you ever think of me?"

He looked down, embarrassed. "I did, but obviously not enough. I'm sorry."

She watched him from the side and sighed. "We shouldn't blame each other. We should be happy that we're both here."

He turned his head, facing her. "That's a good idea," he smiled. "Because I'm very happy to be here." She returned his smile, glad to have him back.

"What did you do after you lost your home?" he asked.

"The years after the attack I was aimlessly wandering around, working here and there. I was suffering survivor's guilt and I don't like to think back because it was the most miserable time in my life. I lived without to live. I felt nothing, I felt numb. I was on a ship to another planet when I heard about your disappearance, though I didn't think it was real. I mean there were rumors about Maquis ships being destroyed every day. It wasn't an unusual thing that they would show up a few days later like nothing had happened.

"You didn't show up a few days later, though. I doubt that I would have sought your guidance if you still had been available but after months I became aware that you were really gone. I felt terrible. I felt alone. There was nothing I could do about it. The war frightened the people all over the quadrant and many of them didn't trust strangers like me so it was getting harder to find work. My desire to go back to Earth grew over the years and when I finally decided to do it the Federation was at war and to travel from planet to planet complicated and dangerous. I was stuck on Risa. I know, I know," she raised her hands, smirking. "I was lucky as there are worse places to be stuck." He smiled and she went on. "It took months to get a passage. I knew our cousin Nilah would let me stay at his place, though I wrote him a letter that I later found out, never arrived. The ship came and I hoped and prayed to get to Earth safely and unharmed. What I didn't expect, though, was to meet a man and get pregnant.

"I met him in the ship's bar. We talked, had some drinks and ended up having a wild love affair that lasted the whole trip. When we arrived at Earth I naively thought that there was something more between us but he yelled and screamed at me, threatened and insulted me in the worst way so that I ran off, ashamed.

"Even though Nilah didn't get my letter he let me live at his house. What I didn't know, however, was that the war had made his thoughts so dark that he had started drinking. He already had a massive alcohol problem when I arrived but I could live with it because, to my own surprise, I found a job quickly and for two months my life was… at least almost, well-ordered. Then I found out that I was pregnant and the card house collapsed anew. I knew that Nilah's place wasn't a suitable environment for a child and I needed to find something else. I moved to San Francisco, closer to my work, but the pregnancy wasn't easy. After the first trimester I had so many physical problems that I couldn't work any longer." She swallowed and looked down. "I felt never so alone in my life."

"What about the father?"

"He didn't even know. I was too ashamed to tell him."

"There are also many facilities…"

"You may have forgotten that we were in the middle of a war and that a lot of women and men had lost their spouses. Many parents were alone with their children and in need of help."

Chakotay looked like he was responsible for all this and she couldn't help but smile. "It'll get better, trust me," she winked and he thought how proud he were that she had survived all this and hadn't lost her humor in the process. "A week before my contract on the apartment ran out, a Starfleet officer knocked at my door. I was confused when he told me to come with him to Starfleet Headquarters immediately. I hadn't had anything to do with Starfleet. The only possible explanation I had was that it must have something to do with you. To be honest I thought I should declare you dead.

"As I walked through the corridor to Admiral Hayes' office I saw other family members of your cell and it confused me even more to see some of them happy. I was ordered into Admiral Hayes' office and when he told me you were alive but on the other side of the galaxy I really thought he was kidding. He assured me that it was confirmed and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. He said that it was a light in dark times that Voyager was still out there but for me and the situation I was in it wasn't such a bright light and you could've been dead as well. So far away you couldn't help me, though Admiral Hayes was very sensitive and I decided to ask for his help. Before I had the chance to do so he told me that they organized a huge Voyager get-together, a large party to celebrate the finding of the USS Voyager, and I was guided to the very place we were today." A small smile tugged at her lips. "I wasn't even in the room for five minutes when Gretchen came to me and asked me question after question. She soon found out that I was the sister of the man her daughter was sent out to capture and made her first officer and that I was alone and had nowhere to go to. Without asking she ordered Phoebe to help me get my belongings. She was so excited and glowing, whirling around the room, talking to people she didn't know like she knew them forever. I deeply adored her from the very first moment. She has a sixth sense for people in distress and knows how to encourage them and cheer them up."

Chakotay chuckled. "I know this kind."

She faced him. "I really hope I will get to know Kathryn better."

"You will," he said without a doubt.

Sekaya smiled a small smile. "Right after the party Phoebe and I went to get my meager belongings and then we transported here. Both Phoebe and Gretchen were great and cared for me and dragged me to every doctor they knew. I soon felt better and with their help I was able to carry Chapa at least almost to term. Gretchen was with me when I gave birth while Phoebe was as far away as she could be," Sekaya laughed quietly. "She was so scared! Gretchen said she'll never have any grandchildren from Phoebe but now that she knew that Kathryn was still alive she could hope again to have some." She saw an expression on her brother's face she couldn't pinpoint and frowned slightly before going on. "We lived here until Chapa was one and a half years old. Then I decided to write his father a letter. He was delighted and we decided to meet in Paris to talk. He told me that he didn't mean to scare me, that the war wasn't easy on him but it was over and he was free. I really thought he was sincere. We met regularly and after a few months I decided to give him, and us, a chance and moved in with him. In hindsight I should've known that he hadn't changed but how could I know? We lived together until I found out that he was threatening his son, that he yelled and screamed at him like he had done with me and I knew my initial opinion had been right." She saw that Chakotay was getting angry and he opened his mouth to interrupt her but she raised her hand to stop him and went on. "I took Chapa the next night and stood in front of Gretchen's door again. She didn't hesitate to let me in, though she gave Chapa's father a hell of a scare. He will never show up again."

"I'll kill that guy," he snorted nonetheless.

"That's why I'm never going to tell you his name."

"Was he in Starfleet?"

"I'm not going to tell you."

"Did he hit you or Chapa?"

"Never," Sekaya said sincerely. "Though I don't know what would have happened if we had stayed."

"So that's the reason why my nephew is afraid of me."

"Yes. That and because he wasn't around men often. You may have noticed that there's no man in this house. Chapa doesn't have a man he can look up to, someone who shows him how to do it right."

Chakotay faced his sister. "Now he has," he said grimly.

Sekaya closed her eyes in relief for a second and smiled. "I hoped you would say that. He needs it."

"And he deserves it."

"Thank you, Chakotay," she whispered.

He noticed that she was close to tears so he leaned forward and hugged her. "Now I'm here, Sekaya. I will not leave you alone again."

She nodded into his chest, gathering strength from their embrace.

"You know," she said when they pulled back. "It's funny that you came back just now."

"Why?"

"For the first time since our childhood home, since our family had been destroyed I'm living a happy, well-ordered live. Chapa has been going to daycare for four weeks and I have a new job. I'm working at the Indiana University here in Bloomington," she told him proudly. "I'm the campus groundskeeper..."

His face lit up. "You're the University's Boothby?"

She laughed. "You could say so. It's a very satisfying work." She looked at him. "And now you're back…"

"And the truth is, you don't need me," he completed playfully.

She smiled shyly. "Something like that, yes."

"Sekaya, I'm proud that you managed all this."

"It was a hard time but I'm proud too."

"You should be."

Tears threatened again and Chakotay embraced her. "You're a very strong woman, Sekaya, and whether you need me or not, I will be there for you and Chapa."

"Thank you."

He squeezed her to him and they stayed like that for a moment longer.

"Mommy?" a confused voice called her.

She left Chakotay's embrace and saw Chapa standing in the door. "Yes?"

"Grandma making dinner."

"I will go and help her." She wiped her eyes, gave Chakotay a grateful smile and headed for the door.

"Chapa will help Grandma!"

"Why don't we both help her, okay? I will go first and then I'll call you. This way you can play with your Uncle Chakotay now," she added whispering with a wink.

Chapa nodded and Sekaya left for the kitchen.

"Is this your swing?" Chakotay pointed at the old-fashioned swing under a large tree.

Chapa shook his head. "Kathryn's."

The air was sucked from Chakotay's lungs in a rush. The first word Chapa said to him was her name.

"Do you think she'll let us use it?" he asked when he trusted his voice.

Chapa nodded. "Grandma says if I'm careful, I'm allowed to."

"Then we'll be careful."

With only a hint of hesitation Chapa walked over to his uncle and slipped his hand in Chakotay's.

When Sekaya came later onto the porch to call Chapa, she broke into tears. Chapa was dangling upside down from a branch, laughing gleefully while Chakotay was standing beside him, watching out that he didn't fall. He too, was laughing heartily.

Never in his short life had Sekaya heard her son laughing like he was in that moment. She needed some time to get her emotions under control and for a split second she thought she would just let them play but she knew Chapa wouldn't like it if she didn't keep her promise. So as soon as she was ready, she walked across the lawn.

"Mommy, you are upside down!" Chapa giggled.

She looked down to her feet, a deliberately confused expression on her face. Chapa giggled even more. "I'm not upside down."

"Yes, you are!"

"Is Chakotay also upside down?"

Chapa nodded his head, his thick black hair whipping back and forth.

"Must be some sort of anomaly," Chakotay guessed.

"What is an anom-anomo-?" Chapa asked.

"Anomaly."

Chapa didn't repeat the word, he just nodded his head.

Sekaya suppressed a laugh and patted her brother's arm. "Good luck," she whispered.

Chakotay felt the stare of his nephew and thought of a child-friendly description. "It's something unusual; something out of the ordinary…," he started but Chapa seemed satisfied already.

"It's very unusual that you're upside down!" he giggled.

"Yes, it is." Chakotay tickled him and Chapa wriggled with laughter until he fell off the branch and safely into Chakotay's arms.

Sekaya looked into the delighted face of her son. "Do you want to help Grandma, or do you want to stay out here? I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"Help Grandma!"

He wriggled again and Chakotay let him down. Both Chakotay and Sekaya watched him running into the house.

Chapa had distracted Chakotay very successfully but as soon as he was inside the happiness from Chakotay's face drained away. "She isn't here yet, is she?"

"She isn't."

He turned away, rubbing his face with one hand. "She should be here by now."

"You don't want to hear it but she doesn't like it that I'm here."

He faced his sister. "That is not true. I'm sure she is very proud that her mother gave you a home because she would've done the same." He turned his head, staring at a distant point. "No, something is upsetting her and I don't know what."

"Do you think you can find out?"

A smile tugged at his lips. "Of course I can."

#

Kathryn didn't come within the next hour. Chakotay needed more distraction and he wanted to do something useful to thank Gretchen for her hospitality so without taking no for an answer he joined her in the kitchen. He wasn't surprised that Kathryn hadn't exaggerated when she'd told him her mother was the best cook in the quadrant. Gretchen cooked with fresh vegetables they grew in the backyard and Chakotay's mouth watered from just watching the pots and pans and smelling the sweet smell in the air.

Gretchen told him curtly that he wasn't a big help standing in her way like this and ordered him and Chapa to set the table.

"Come on, that's men's work," Chakotay grinned and handed Chapa two dishes he could carry easily. The work was soon done and when Gretchen came a few minutes later for an inspection she seemed to be pleased. "Good work," she said appreciatively and squeezed Chakotay's arm. For a split second he smiled at the familiar gesture but then his smile faded and he looked sadly at the sixth plate. "She'll be here any second," Gretchen assured him. "She promised to."

He smiled a forced smile and gave her a nod. Gretchen patted his arm encouragingly and went back into the kitchen.

"Kathryn!" she cried out loud.

Alarmed by Gretchen's cry, Chakotay rushed out of the dining room. The front door was standing wide open and he, followed by Phoebe, Sekaya and Chapa, walked out on the porch to see Gretchen running towards Kathryn. She stood on the very same spot where he had stood earlier and her bottom lip was trembling while she looked with tears in her eyes at the house she had missed so much. Chapa, frightened by his grandmother's behavior, tugged at Chakotay's pant leg. Without dropping his gaze he scooped him up in his arms and saw that Gretchen had reached Kathryn and took her into a tight embrace.

Chakotay longed to run, too, and take her in his arms to soothe her and he knew he was jealous. For seven years he had been responsible for Kathryn's well-being, not that she ever was this emotional and troubled, or maybe, he realized, she just didn't show it, but now that they were home it was only natural that she turned to her mother for support. He would've done the same if his mother were still alive. He had to accept that it wasn't his job anymore and he wasn't sure if he liked that it was over. Still, he would try and do what he had told himself and give Kathryn, her mother and her sister, the space they needed.

"We'll wait inside," Phoebe said, causing Chakotay to jerk. He had forgotten they were still standing behind him.

Sekaya wanted to take Chapa but he didn't let go of his uncle.

"It's okay," Chakotay told her and concentrated back on Kathryn and her mother. Sekaya's brows furrowed concerned, though she didn't want to upset Chapa and followed Phoebe into the house.

Gretchen released her hold on her daughter and laid her hands on Kathryn's cheeks. Chakotay couldn't see Gretchen's face but she must've been talking; Kathryn was listening to her, then Gretchen turned around and they walked towards the house; towards him. Kathryn looked tired, weary, her eyes hollow and her shoulders hung. When their eyes met, a ghost of a smile crossed her face and with every step they came closer he became more tensed until she finally stepped onto the porch and stopped in front of him.

"Hi," he choked.

"Hi," she said tiredly and looked at the toddler in his arms. "You must be… Sorry, I forgot your name."

"Chapa," he told her to Chakotay's surprise without hesitation and a wide smile that knocked the air out of Kathryn's lungs.

"Chapa," Kathryn breathed. "That's a nice name. I'm Kathryn."

"I know. Grandma showed me pictures."

Kathryn looked shocked at her mother. "He's calling you 'Grandma'?"

"He does," Gretchen admitted, clearly uncomfortable as she didn't want to upset her daughter more than she already was. "I'm as close to a grandmother as he can get," she shrugged apologizing.

Chapa, oblivious to Kathryn's shock, pointed at her. "It's her swing," he told Chakotay happily.

Chakotay only nodded, while watching the conversation in front of him with increasing interest.

"I know this day was full of surprises, Kathryn dear, and I wish you would've known all this before and would be prepared but I can guarantee that there are some things that will never change. Now come in. Dinner's ready," Gretchen said with a wink.

Kathryn nodded and slipped out of her shoes like it was the most natural thing to do and placed them on the little shelf. She then walked inside and breathed deeply. It smelled of her mother's cooking, though it didn't smell like home. Maybe she had been gone too long to remember, she told herself. Chakotay and Chapa followed her into the dining room where she said hello to her sister and Sekaya. When she looked at the dinner table she was close to tears. "I'll head upstairs and change. You can start," she said, walking backwards.

"We will wait for you, Katie," Gretchen said.

Kathryn retreated hastily and went upstairs. She stopped at the top of the stairs, closed her eyes and breathed deeply to hold back her tears. It took some time and effort but when she had finally composed herself she opened her eyes and saw the door to Phoebe's old room standing open. When they were children it had been a typical girl's room. Stuffed animals, fluffy carpets, butterfly paintings on the pink walls, pink cushions, pink everywhere. Kathryn hated it. Her room had been practical. A bed, a dresser, a desk, a shelf for her trophies. She hadn't allowed herself much distraction. Not even as a child.

Taking a curious look inside, she saw that it was now every inch a boy's room. Blue walls, remote-controlled vehicles, stuffed animals and a starship bed that would make Tom jealous.

Tom, she thought. How were they coping? Was everything all right with him and his father, with B'Elanna and Miral?

She already missed them. Every single one of her crew. For seven years she would have done everything she could to bring them home and now, only about eight hours after they had left Voyager, she would do everything she could to go back home.

Home, she thought. She was home, wasn't she? Then why didn't it feel like home?

She tried to hold back the tears back but this time she failed miserably. They spilled onto her cheeks. No, this didn't feel like home at all.

Looking around with a tear-blurred vision, she noticed framed pictures of Voyager and of Chakotay and her. She picked up one of Voyager and touched her ship with her thumbs.

It seemed that Voyager, Chakotay and she were a big part of Chapa's life and she imagined her mother, Sekaya and Phoebe telling him stories of his uncle and his captain on the ship on the other side of the galaxy. If only she would've been prepared like Chapa was. It would make everything easier.

She placed the frame back on its place, left the room and entered hers. In here nothing had changed and it felt like a sanctuary. She stripped off her jacket and her eyes fell on the bed. The fluffy, warm bed. It would be easy to just lie down and never stand up again.

She feared those thoughts so she quickly grabbed a pair of pants and a sweater and walked out in the corridor.

Happy chattering from downstairs echoed through the house but she didn't feel as happy as the people down there. She went into the bathroom, changed and looked into the mirror. After a happy smile was firmly in place she went downstairs.

The evening passed by without an incident. Kathryn acted like the happy daughter who was happy to be home but it was nothing more than that; an act. She felt like she had fallen into a black hole and she knew she had to hide that well when Chakotay was around. On Voyager he was able to read her moods like a book and she didn't want to cause a debate. She was too tired for that. She was too tired for everything and when she excused herself early no one gave it a second thought, except Chakotay. He worried all evening about her strange behavior and it took all the strength he had to not address it.

The next morning he was shocked to see dark rings under her eyes and he was sure she hadn't had much sleep, just like him. He had tossed and turned the whole night, thinking of her and their crew and Voyager.

To Kathryn's shock, Sekaya and Gretchen had taken the next few days off. Only Phoebe had to go to work and Chapa went to daycare but Kathryn would rather be all alone. She was seeking quietness and solitude but with a house full of people it wasn't possible.

She wandered restlessly through house and garden and decided to go to the old willow tree. As a child that tree gave her the comfort she was seeking and she desperately hoped it would still work, though it didn't. Her thoughts whirled around her crew, around the nameless Starfleet officers on Voyager, of the house that used to be her childhood home and around the fact that Chakotay was dating Seven.

She didn't have the right to feel the way she did, though she couldn't help it. Again, the thought of Seven coming here made her nauseous and she rose quickly. She couldn't sit still, she needed to walk. With straight, determined steps she walked aimlessly through the cornfields. Feeling more and more haunted, she only had one last ace up her sleeve.

#

The kneehole of her father's desk felt familiar, and it smelled familiar. She huddled deep within, listened to her grandfather's old clock and imagined her father was here with her.

When she had entered his study she had noticed to her relief that nothing in here had changed. Everything in this room looked like she remembered it; it looked like her daddy had only left to get himself a cup of coffee and would be back in a minute.

She had loved to sit under his desk as a child while he worked. She had felt close to him; only the two of them.

This day, however, she didn't feel his presence and to sit under the desk made her sadder rather than comforting her. She pulled her knees under her chin and crouched into a ball and this was the way her mother found her hours later.

"Kathryn?" A concerned frown was on Gretchen's face as she pushed back the chair and knelt down. "Kathryn, what are you doing in there?"

"I'm trying to feel at home."

"You are at home, dear."

Kathryn shook her head. "I don't feel at home."

Gretchen sighed. "You shouldn't stress yourself. Give it time."

"You don't understand."

"You were gone for seven years. Things have changed here, and you also have changed. I do understand very well."

"No, you don't."

Gretchen shook her head helplessly, worried about her daughter's behavior. "Come on. Get out of there."

"No."

"Kathryn, you…"

"Grandma!" Chapa called from the hall. "I'm home."

Gretchen turned her head for a second but concentrated back on Kathryn. "Kathryn, you need time to…"

"Grandma?" Chapa called again, now out of the kitchen. "Grandma, where are you?"

She ignored him. "…to adjust."

"Grandma? Grandma?" Chapa ran through the house and Gretchen began to wonder where Sekaya was.

"I don't need time," Kathryn whispered. "I need to feel…"

"Grandma?" Chapa's young voice was high pitched, frightened. "Grandma?"

Gretchen was torn apart. She knew her daughter needed her but she didn't like to have a toddler running around alone through the house.

"Kathryn…"

"I don't feel anything, Mom," Kathryn whispered

"Kathryn…," Gretchen started but a thump interrupted her. Chapa cried out loud and began to scream.

Without thinking, she rose and left in a hurry.

"There's nothing left," Kathryn whispered.