Hello again, here's the second chapter of A Royal Beat Down. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't get a penny.

Rated T for swearing.

Chapter Two

Let us call this the middle.

Nah, I'm just messing with you. How can there be a middle if there's no beginning or ending? If you can twist logic in a way that it makes sense, I applaud you, but if not, please allow me to continue under the delusion that I'm intelligent. It does wonders for my ego, you see.

I thankfully didn't die from being 'bitten to death' by Hibari but I did have to spend a whole week in that dreadful dungeon they call a hospital and I believe I'm now on the nurses' hit list. Those bitches. As a gesture of gratitude for their care during that week, I left them a nice little surprise in my room. No I won't tell you what it was. You will hear their screams though. Ah, there they are; music to my ears.

I decided to go to the sea in the hope of benefitting from its supposed healing properties. So there I was sitting on the edge of a cliff, watching the waves crash against the rocks below. The water was a roiling mass of stormy gray, swirling round jagged rocks to form a white foam. The wind began to pick up; judging by those big clouds it was sure to rain soon.

My mind drifted to back to the sea, trying to uncover its secrets. I could just barely make out dark shapes under the water and if I looked in a certain way I could almost imagine that it was hiding things much more sinister than plain rocks and seaweed. Dead bodies, for example. I shivered excitedly.

I caught a hint of movement out of the corner of my eye as I scanned the surface –was that a body in the water? I decided to get a closer look. I carefully climbed down the cliff – whoops! Almost slipped and fell to my death there – and once I got down I sharpened my gaze, zeroing in on the big and fleshy object that was swaying in the tide. Upon closer inspection it looked like the tip of a huge red tentacle. My eyes narrowed. Giant squids weren't purple and lived very, very deep and octopuses didn't grow to that size. Something rotten is in the state of Denmark…

All of a sudden, the tentacle shot out of the water, wrapped itself around my waist and raised me high into the air. I screamed and struggled to get free but with no success. "Noooo I don't wanna die! Physical assault! Tentacle rape! This thing has suction cups!" I cried hysterically.

I took out the hammer hidden up my sleeve – hey, I've learned my lesson since the Hibari Incident: always carry a weapon – and swung it with all my strength at the tentacle that held me. It sank into the squishy flesh but didn't seem to have much of an effect so I swung again and again and again until I heard a great and inhuman moan. The tentacle's grip didn't loosen, but something huge thrashed underwater until finally, the creature manifested itself.

To my shock, it was a giant red octopus. A very angry one, by the sound of it. I flinched when its keening wail reached my ears. God, it was loud. Talk about exaggerating, I didn't hit that hard. Wasn't there a mute button for this thing? It had some sort of metal armour so it had to have an owner somewhere. Talk about irresponsible, letting it roam about attacking innocent young girls. And now I'm going to die. And I'm almost fully healed too. Juuuust great.

Throughout my internal tirade, the octopus continued to wail and wave me around like a rag doll. Hoping to intervene before my brains got scrambled, I yelled, "Hey you! Stop crying and suck it up, you great big lump of blubber! So it hurts a bit, big deal, take it like a man!"

That caught its attention. It stopped crying and set its angry green eyes on me, making me regret my harsh words and fear for my safety.

"Hey buddy, I mean you no harm, so, uh, why don't you just put me down?" I attempted to pacify the angry beast.

"Friend?" it asked in a low indistinct voice.

I gaped. It could talk?! The cephalopod mollusc of the order Octopoda of the kingdom Animalia of the domain Eukaryota could frickin' talk? Something was definitely rotten in the state of Denmark.

"Um, yeah. Friends. You and me," I said faintly.

It seemed to hesitate for a moment, then abruptly unwrapped its tentacle from around me, allowing me to fall through the air and land in a belly flop on the rocky beach. I lay there, stunned, before swearing up a storm as I laboriously got to my feet. I stared at the hulking figure before me. It stared back. Okay, this silence is getting awkward.

"Did you know that the word 'octopus' has three plural forms?" I blurted.

"Oh? And what are they?" it asked, as eager as I was to break that awful silence.

"Octopuses, octopi and octopodes," I answered proudly. I know, I'm super smart, no need to be jealous, people.

"Wow, you must super smart to know that!"

I preened under the praise. Of course I am!

A tentacle smacked me in the face. "As if, you fucking asshole! What'd you hit me with that hammer for?"

The force of the blow sent me stumbling back. That dickwad's gonna pay! "That hurt, bitch! And it was self-defense! How would you react if a ginormous monster attacked you out of the blue?"

The octopus recoiled with a gasp, its large eyes watering. "Y-you think I'm a monster? Am I really that hideous?"

"Hell yeah! I bet babies cry just by looking at your ugly mug!"

"Well you know what they say about crying babies," it said solemnly.

"What?"

"They're like promises."

"Huh?"

"Oh, the philistines I have to deal with! What is the world coming to?" it moaned.

"Okay, whatever."

"Fine," it snapped, "just forget it. Now go away, annoying human. I'm hungry and you're scaring away the crabs."

"Fine, I'm leaving," I huffed indignantly. I'd never met such a rude octopus.

"Right, before I forget. What's your name? I'm called Sekai," I spread my arms out wide and leaned back with dramatic flair, "like the world. Yep, that's me, larger than life."

The giant octopus rolled its eyes. "I'm Oodako." It then squirmed as if it were flustered. Wow. If it weren't already red in colour I would've sworn it had just blushed. Wait a second…

"Girl or boy?"

My new friend blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Are you a girl octopus or a boy octopus?"

Oodako appeared stumped. "Um… I don't know. What about you?"

I hummed pensively. "I'm pretty sure I'm a girl."

"Well, it's good that you know. I have to say I'm a little jealous," he/she admitted.

"Wait, you mean you don't know your own gender?" A shake of the head in response.

I shifted uncomfortably. "Look… Oodako… Don't let it get to you. I mean, if you're happy as you are, then… it doesn't matter that you don't know. Yeah! You're perfect as you are!" I finally encouraged.

"You- you really think so?" he/she sniffled.

"Absolutely," I affirmed with my most winning smile.

The octopus of unknown gender tentatively returned my smile and I felt my expression become more sincere.

It was the start of a beautiful friendship.

And then a red tentacle swung round and hurled me into the water.

But that's a story for another time so you'll just have to deal with not knowing what happened next.

Tough.