This Sucks

Summary: Companion piece to Happily Ever After, this time from Nathan's POV.

I was going to write the next chapter of The Search for Something More but I just wasn't feeling it. There's too much for me to think in that story and I'm really busy with work at the moment that I feel that the next update might come next week at the earliest. But inspiration has not left me entirely. I had such a blast writing Happily Ever After and then hearing back some of the feedback that I got inspired to do another one but this time with Nathan's POV. Like I said before, Happily Ever After was something very different than what I usually do. Brooke's bubbly personality in that scene helped with the ramblings of the story and the random switch of thoughts that was through out the story. Like the last story, this one is keeping in my OTH 7 year anniversary since it premiered and so I try to include as much background as possible. This one has a little bit more of an edge and a darker tone than the last story, obviously since Nathan is narrating and Nathan had a little bit of a scowl on his face (also looked a little mean, which i loved) when he said "What" to brooke. I love writing Nathan and I always love writing him as a little bit of a jerk with a big heart. Like last time, there's a lot of mention of Lucas in here but like I said, it's not on purpose but he is Nathan's brother. Also, I was all for the bromance last episode but I would've love to see that sort of love and devotion directed to Lucas. Clay may have done a lot of things for Nathan but really, what did he do? It was his job and Nate was already in the NBA when he met Clay. Anyways, there's a part in this story that sort of goes through Nate's thought process as to why he did that with Clay, which I hope you guys will enjoy. Like I said, this one is a little darker, a little bit more sarcastic.

Anyways, hope you enjoy and please review!

This sucks.

No, this really sucks.

Right now, I'm supposed to be running until I can't breath, doing suicides until I feel like collapsing and pretty much question why I wanted to be a NBA player in the first place. Instead, I'm here in the hospital, with my wife, with Brooke, all cuz Quinn and Clay got shot.

This fucking sucks.

A beep from my phone alerts me that I got a text. I look down and see that it's from Lucas, asking how are Clay and Quinn. No doubt he heard what had happened and if he really wanted to know, maybe he should get his ass back to Tree Hill and find out. No they are not okay, I reply back and I'm frustrated beyond belief.

How the hell did this happen? How did I get here? And if I look back at the person to blame, of course it comes back to him. To Lucas. This is all Lucas' fault. It's his fault that he joined the Ravens. It's his fault that I tried to use his best friend to blackmail him. It's his fault that I had to fall completely and insanely in love with Haley. Oh God, I just used one of Clay's lines, kill me now. See Luke, look what you did to me. Are you happy?

Are you happy that you never gave up on me and Haley when I felt like giving up? Are you happy that you kept meddling every chance you got or helping me with Daunte or helping me at Gilmore and helping take care of Jamie. Are you happy that you changed me Luke? Cuz this is all your fault right now.

I look at Brooke across from me and you're to blame for her as well. I remember when me and Brooke used to rule the school and never gave a crap about anyone else but ourselves. But no your dumbass had to get Brooke to fall for you and now look at her. She's all changed and stuff and she had her heart broken because of you and now she's come out stronger and better than she ever was before. See Luke, you're like a plague. You take assholes like me and Brooke and change us for the better so that we are here right now, caring for two people neither of us should be caring about. All because of you.

Fuck Lucas, why are you not here? Why the hell did you and Peyton have to go. I swear I thought giving you my sloppy seconds would make us even but no. What the hell Luke? You've been a constant pain on my side ever since you joined the Ravens and now you just leave me. And no hiring Clay to be my agent doesn't count. I need you here with me because you're supposed to be my brother, you're supposed to be the older one. And fuck the whole three months older crap I always give you, you're supposed to take care of me like how you've always done. Because right now for the past couple of months, it's been me that's been trying to hold it together. It's been me trying to assure Haley that this Renee bitch is a lying whore. It was on me to get Haley through her fucking crazy ass sisters and her mom dying. Me, Luke. ME!

Correct me if I'm wrong but you're supposed to be her best friend. She's been writing her damn notebook all day for you. You're supposed to be my best friend because right now my other best friend is dying and I need someone to lean on and I sure as hell can't go to Haley for that right now cuz she's been through enough and I sure as hell won't go to Brooke. Dear God no. And you Luke, you took the only other person I can turn to. That's right, Peyton. You remember her right? Sure I treated her like crap and everyone always assumes I was always the ass to her but Peyton was no saint either. She was a complete bitch too but don't get me wrong, once we broke up, we were much better. Shit, I even apologized to her, you can thank Haley for that. She was the only other person other than Haley or you who knew the shit I went through with my family and it was her that I admitted my fears about being a dad for the first time and when I was being a complete dick to my family when I was in the wheel chair, it was her that left me in the ICU unit in the pediatric department. Next to you and Haley, she was the only one that called me out on my BS. She believed I was going to be a good dad and she even once called me a martyr. I could use some of her strength right now. Shoot, I can use any sort of strength right now cuz I feel like I'm running out.

I sigh and look down. I look at the corner of my eye and see Brooke is looking at me weird. She's either checking me out or I might have something on my mouth or hair. I wipe my mouth and brush my hand across my hair just to make sure. I think she notices me that I notice her and she looks away. I've never quite figured out the inner workings of Brooke Davis but it's okay. I'm not that interested anyway. I look to my left and Haley is looking at me funny and she knows I'm in one of my moods. I try to give her a reassuring smile because the last thing I need is for her to be worrying about me. Thank God Julian took Jamie for the day because I sure as hell can't take care of him right now. Finally, Julian is good for something instead of getting a free trip to Utah. Shit, I can't even take care of my own family right now. How fucking pathetic am I?

Life was so much easier back then. Back when I didn't know Haley existed and when Lucas hated me and I hated him. Back when Keith was still alive and my mom was sober. Back when I didn't have to worry about anyone else but myself. Back when my biggest problem was pleasing Dan. I had nothing to lose. Now I have everything to lose. And here's the thing, I can't lose it. No I can't cuz I won't be able to survive it. If Haley goes down that dark road again, I don't know if I can bring her back. And I swear to God Lucas, I will get you back to Tree Hill so fast, I don't care if Peyton throws a fit. You're supposed to take care of me remember? Or did you forget those four years of college when it was just you, me, Haley and Jamie chasing a dream.

Funny where dreams go. Shit, look at Brooke. She got everything now. Her company's successful, she famous. She found love and she even reconciled with her mom. Goddamit, I'm jealous of Brooke and her damn perfect life. How the hell did that happen? But no Brooke isn't prefect. She can't have kids or maybe Julian is shooting blanks. Cuz last time I checked, big bro gave her two scares in high school. So I take a step back, maybe Brooke's life isn't perfect. I sure as hell didn't expect to be a dad at 18 but I couldn't imagine life with out Jamie. The thought that I would never have children, shit that just doesn't register with me.

I want to give Jamie everything I never had growing up and now with Haley pregnant, I wanted to give him a brother or sister too. But that won't happen if Haley's always stressed and worrying if someone else from her family is going to die, so Quinn, if you're mooching ass can hear this, you better not die on us. For some reason Haley and Jamie think fondly of you and I won't let them see another person they love leave.

But then again, I can't do anything. Once again, big bad Nathan Scott is just helpless. Completely helpless and useless that all I am able to do is drink this stale ass coffee and sit here in this cafeteria. It's like when Keith got shot. I only begun to get to know Keith before he was taken away from me. I never told him that I appreciate everything he tried to do for me. I never thanked him. I never said I loved him. So when I saw Clay lying there, I needed to hell him because I won't go through that again.

At least when Q died, I told him that I was grateful, that he kept pushing me to keep playing. I need some of that push right now. I need something to keep me going. I look to my ultimate source of inspiration, Haley. My absolutely stunning wife who looks somber, who's sad once again. She rubs her belly and I remember that there's a part of me growing in her, a part of us. Maybe this is all some sort of weird karma thing. For new life to begin, a life must be taken away. Shit does that mean I'm going to have twins? Shit, I can't think like that. Quinn and Clay are still here and I need them to fight. I need to fight.

Luke, I guess you're not coming back and maybe that's the point. Maybe you leaving finally forced me to grow up, well to really grow up and not depend on you so much. It was my time to step it up for my family, for what I put them through, for what they've done for me.

For some god damn reason Haley choose to spend her life with me. At fucking 16 years old, she said yes. Her parents said yes. I said yes. I never thought I would do something like that but Haley was something else. If I must be completely honest, the truth is that I asked her to marry me because I was selfish. I wanted her and it wasn't enough that my jersey number is tattooed to the back of her ass, well above her ass. No I needed her to spend my life with me, for her to give herself completely over to me because my ass had already done that and there wasn't even a ring on my finger.

There was the threat that she didn't want to be with me, that for some reason I needed to have sex in order to be with Haley. That was further from the truth and I remember almost catching pneumonia standing outside her house in the rain to tell her that and that's when I asked her to marry me. I can't live with out Haley. At 16, I already knew it. When I broke my back a few years ago, I pushed Haley away because I felt like I didn't deserve her. I mean, I always knew that I would never be good for her. I remember telling her that last night when I said that she's way out of my league. But when I broke my back and became crippled, that's when I felt I didn't deserve Haley. She sacrificed so much and for what, for me to get thrown out of a window. Yet, she stuck by me. Even through that mess with Carrie, that other bitch, she stuck by me. Granted I pushed her to her limits and she used the D word on me but we got through it. Through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, she stood by me. For that I will truly be grateful to her and for giving me a son and now another one on the way, for giving me a brother, for giving a sense of family.. for me giving me MY FAMILY. For everything, I owe to Haley.

So in this stupid cafeteria, I will sit with her, wait with her. And I pray to God that somehow I can get through this and that I can get Haley through this, that I get Jamie through this. When that bitch Carrie chased my wife and son around some corn field like the psycho bitch she was, I wasn't there for them. When they needed me the most, I was away cuz of basketball. I wouldn't let that happen again and I don't care if Charlotte keeps calling my cell, I'm not picking up. My world is once again threatened and there's no way in hell I'm leaving my family. No sir.

The silence is deafening and all I hear around me are people's chatter and the occasional page on the intercom. Brooke finally clears her throat and starts to speak.

"So I got arrested today?" Brooke announces.

"What?" I ask and Haley asks why.

Brooke starts going off about something her mom and Millicent lying to people.

"Lied to who?" This time I mean it and I'm actually curious as to what Brooke has to say. Shoot, she seems to be having problems and so long as they don't involve people getting shot, I'm totally game for the distraction.

Her and Haley talk back and forth and apparently this is some serious shit. When I said that her life wasn't perfect, I wasn't kidding.

"Because, it's not life or death." Brooke speaks and yeah she's right about that.

"And because I haven't even really congratulated you on your pregnancy and I am so happy for you guys."

I smile despite myself. Brooke actually put a smile on my face, wow the wonder. But then again, she was talking congratulating me on my unborn child, of course that brings a smile to my face and it brings a smile to Haley's and holy shit, thank you Brooke. And the fact that I know Brooke can't have kids yet she's congratulating us, well I'll bow down Brooke Davis, you've earned some respect from me. Maybe it was a good idea that Haley made you Jamie's god mother.

"But I had a thought, if you really like the new baby, can I have Jamie?" Brooke asks.

Again, I smile despite myself and if I'm going to have the second string here, at least Brooke is keeping me entertained.

"Yeah, you can have him but you have to have the sex talk with him." I smile. Shoot, you're his godmother, do something besides write him big checks for his birthday. We're already rich so it's not like we need the money but the sex talk, you can definitely take that. If not you, I'm making his god father aka my missing in action brother take care of it.

"Already? It's like yesterday he was .."

"Going on Treasure Hunts with Quinn." Haley laments.

And crap my heart breaks for her again. Once again, I'm reminded of where we are and why we are here. The three of us are here in this hospital cafeteria with stale coffee and nothing but the sounds of chatter and the clock ticking away.

If I haven't said it already, this sucks.

This really sucks.

The End.