A/N: This is probably the fastest update this story will ever have. I said most of these would be inspired by RP. This happened at 2:30 a.m. just last week. We were completely delusional. Most of these won't be so heavily dialogue, but this one has a better overall effect this way. Hope you enjoy!

Characters: Bad Touch Trio, Canada, Romano, OC

Genre: Humor/Crack

Human-country relationships were not common occurrences, nor were they encouraged, but they did happen occasionally. Arthur had been there to console his "Virgin Queen" when Sir Dudley was dishonored; Lovino had spent a few months with a pretty Italian girl when he got it into his head that he and Antonio needed a break (no one understood this, and Lovino would later wonder what on earth came over him to induce such temporary insanity). What didn't happen, however, even occasionally, was Gilbert having a girlfriend. Oh sure, one-night-stands were his norm, but a relationship? Never.

But two days before the World Conference in New York City, Gilbert had sought out a partner for the night at a local bar. Rachel had laughed in his face at the first mention of 'five meters' and proven herself to be more intelligent than the girls who simply fell at his feet, and Gilbert was intrigued. Now, she was studying abroad in Germany for a year, and had been fully informed of Gilbert's true identity.

But tonight's events began not in New York, not in Berlin, but in Ottawa, Canada.

"But why I don't understand," Matthew was saying, "is that if you know I'd never go for it and you're not suggesting it, why are we even discussing the idea of having sex on the kitchen table?"

Francis shrugged. "I do not recall. However, if you ever choose to engage in such activity, make sure there are no utensils present."

"Well, yeah…I would think that would be important."

The Frenchman nodded seriously. "Just ask Gilbert." Matthew laughed.

"Did you two have a bad experience with that?"

"Not moi, but he and Antonio did once, long ago…I think he has a scar actually…" his face lit up. "I hope Miss Rachel asks about it, though he'll tell her it's a battle scar of some sort."

He grabbed his phone from the bedside table.

TO: Rachel
FROM: Francis
MSG: Ask Gilbert about the scar on his ass. If he says it's from a battle he's lying.

Still looking positively gleeful, he dropped the phone onto his lap. "And now we wait." It wasn't long however, before his phone lit up again.

TO: Francis
FROM: Rachel
MSG: -laughs- you'll have to tell me later. He's insisting it was a battle and glaring at my phone as I type this.

Francis laughed. "Of course…" The phone vibrated again.

TO: Francis
FROM: Gilbert
MSG: Shut. Up.

Another laugh and Francis pressed a few more buttons and set the phone on speaker as the other end began ringing.

"Hello?"

"Don't answer it! Everything he says is a lie!"

"I'm sure dear. Hello Francis."

"Hello~"

"Shut up Francis! It's from a battle!"

The voice on the other end of the line became distracted and there was a squeak of bedsprings as its owner attempted to squirm away from her companion.

"You may want to tell me before he manages to hang up the phone."

"It's from a fork! From when he and Antonio had table sex!"

Rachel burst out laughing, but stifled the sound after a moment.

"Aw…don't pout like that." The soft sound of a kiss before Gilbert continued, pout still evident in his voice.

"It was a battle…with Antonio's eating utensils…"

"Mm…sounds like a bit of a killjoy. I hope that one wasn't used at dinner."

"No…I don't think it was…but it is Antonio…"

"I'll call and ask!"

Francis leaned over Matthew to grab the younger man's phone as well, dialing quickly and putting it on speaker near the other phone.

"What the fuck do you want bastard? Do you know what time it is?"

"Lovino~ Let me talk to Antonio."

"No."

"LET HIM TALK TO ANTONIO!"

"HELL NO!"

"Hm?" came Antonio's sleepy voice.

"Antonio, when you and Gilbert had kitchen sex and the little incident occurred…did you use that utensil?"

"YOU DIDN'T RIGHT?"

A yawn.

"I don't remember."

At this point, from Francis's phone came a sound of someone banging on a door.

"Brother, it's two a.m.! Shut up!"

A faint click of an opening door and a rustling of sheets hastily pulled up as a cover.

"Ve…are we having a party…?"

Ludwig's murmured apologies could be heard before the door closed again.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO FELI!"

"I'm not doing anything!"

"Why was he in your room? I swear to God, you lay one finger on him and you will die."

A sigh from the single female voice in the conversation.

"He heard shouting and came to investigate and find Ludwig, who was coming to tell us to shut up."

"Why is everyone so loud…?"

"No one calls at two in the morning to ask about sex!"

"Ah, to be fair here it is only eigh–"

"Oh, but then I remember who your friends are."

"Ow! Did you have to hit me?"

"Yes."

"Where are you going…?" Antonio whined.

"Me? I'm going to put your pillow on the couch." Another pitiful whine as Antonio began mumbling sleepily in Italian.

Through the Spaniard's slurred pleas, another voice broke in.

"Hm. Are we done?"

"Yes, that was all, sorry to disturb you two."

"Lovi…"

There was a muffled sound of a pillow hitting someone in the face.

"Fine, you can stay."

"You only came back because you were cold. If you slept in clothes you would be warmer."

"You took them off bastard! Hang up the phone already!"

"Okay. Good night~"

The line went dead, and Rachel spoke again.

"Uh…we're gonna go now…"

"Don't call again."

"Okay! I love you!" Francis crooned.

There was a smile in Gilbert's voice.

"Whatever."

As Francis placed both phones back on the table, Matthew simply stared at him.

"Yes?"

"I…I have no words for you."

Francis merely grinned and pulled the Canadian against his chest, nuzzling his hair affectionately.

"How about 'I love you'?"

Matthew rolled his eyes and smiled, leaning up for a kiss.

"I suppose that works."

A/N: I absolutely must give credit for this chapter to Kat, because a vast majority of the content (at least 90% of the dialogue) is all from her brain, while I simply sat and watched, laughing tears into my eyes and piping up as Rachel or Matthew where needed.

If any portions of the dialogue are confusing, let me know. I'm thinking of adding just the dialogue with name labels to my deviantArt if anyone wants it. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please Review!