Bioware owns Dragon Age and all the characters, I own Melora, though, and any future OCs

An Apostate's Soul
Chapter Two: Drinks and Talks

Melora decided to just follow Varric to the Hanged Man, the bar of Lowtown. She had to get unstressed from dealing with Fenris and she sat down with Isabela and banged her head on the table. "Relax, hon. It's not bad." Isabela commented, waving Norah over.

"'Not bad'? There's so much I can take from him... I don't know how to get him or Carver to see that I can't help being born with magic." She fought the tears by biting her lip as Norah brought them a drink. Melora made a mental note to pay Isabela back once the Deep Roads expidition was over.

For now, the rogue was the one treating her whenever she had these thoughts. Between Isabela and Varric, the two knew how much she hated how she was born with magic and that it was why she never found a place to call her own. Drinking a little, she wandered down the dark road of hating her magic.

It was because of it that Bethany died, of why Carver always hated her and why Fenris despised her. Also, she'd never be able to have children without them being born with magic, their father hating her and them more. All she wanted was a happy life filled with love and joy. But, no... Life decided to curse her with the magic her father had. The only time she felt normal was when she was talking to either Merrill or Anders, and she knew it was because those two were also mages.

She sighed into her drink, laying her head on the table and looking at the entrance, as if wanting someone to appear and take her away. No matter how she sleeps around, she still believes in a true love and she has yet to find one, so she keeps her heart far away from any of her flings. "Why can't those two idiots see I can't help that I was born with magic? Do they want me to become Tranquil? I just want them to be my friend, that's all. And I want Carver to smile like he always did as a kid whenever I showed him a small amount of magic." She rotated her head to see Varric had joined them. "I can't make anyone happy, no matter what I do... Even my own family hates my magic... And I'm starting to see why."

"Hawke, you've saved our asses with your magic multiple times. There's no reason to hate it. It's who you are and who most of us have come to know and respect, minus Broody." Varric said. "You first need to be happy yourself before trying to make anyone else happy."

She was unaware another had entered the pub when she sighed. "I'm half-tempted most of the time to just get the seal on my forehead and deal with whatever happens. Maybe then I'd not be a danger to anyone..."

"Dear, that'd be a bad idea. And I come up with bad ones myself." Isabela sighed before smirking. "Look who came out of the hovel."

"It's not a hovel. It's the clinic and you know that." Anders said, shaking his head before sitting next to Hawke. "This a normal thing?"

She nodded slightly and took another drink. "Only to get away from not only Gamlen, but Carver... Sometimes I feel for Mother, having to deal with those two. She won't join me here or anywhere to get away from them." She stared at her drink, half-tempted to ignite it in anger or just cry into it, settling on staring instead. "I wonder why Mother never once complained that me and Bethany were mages, despite having a non-mage in Carver. There were plenty of times she could've left me and Beth to have Carver..." She saw Aveline also join them. "Oi, what did I do now?" She whined, drinking a little more.

"I've known you since we left Ferelden, what's going on?" The warrior sat on the opposite side of her friend.

She shook her head and frowned. "I'm wondering why Mother hadn't just left me and Beth to raise Carver. Perhaps it was because me and her were the only tie to Father or something. One day, I just want her to look at me and not say it's my fault that Bethany died. Just for once, I'd like to see the little boy that always smiled at me back. Not the cold brother that he is now... That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful." She chugged the last of her drink as Norah filled it back up. "I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. And yet, I'm still the first one who has to solve problems, without a word of thanks..."

Varric sighed and everyone shared a look, Anders being stunned, looking at Varric as the dwarf shrugged. The two rogues knew of how much Hawke hated how her brother seemed to grow more and more angry at her, when all she wanted was for him to admire her like he used to. A drunk Hawke always said her deep thoughts and that allowed the three to bond. But now, with Aveline and Anders, Varric wasn't sure what other thoughts Hawke would say with those here, knowing very well that Hawke had felt closer to Anders over the months.

Aveline, on the other hand, knew how hard Bethany's death had hit Hawke. She had seen how Leandra had blamed her for letting her get killed and how she was never able to truly mourn, like her mother could, because she was 'the eldest'. She even saw how, no matter what, Carver always criticized Hawke's actions. Even now, she wondered if her friend would finally be able to mourn properly.

Anders looked concerned and had no idea about how she managed to be so joyful normally, but now was the opposite of how he had met her. Justice kept reminding him to only keep a distance from Hawke and he had obeyed, though he found it getting harder to not comfort her without risking letting her too close. His life, since Amaranthine, was no longer safe for anyone and he felt dragging someone like Hawke into it was as bad as seeing an innocent mage be made Tranquil.

"I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty two and I am already exhausted. Then again, I know that Beth would be scolding me right now." She downed another drink, sighing. "Well, time to head back..." She mumbled a few farewells and left, steeling her heart and soul from the yelling she will be getting. Even her features were stonily cold, something she had learned from Bethany's death. Opening the door, she was greeted by the usual yelling.

"Melora Nita Hawke!" Leandra Hawke shouted, getting the two males to look her way. "Where have you been?"

"I'm twenty two, mother. I don't need a curfew." She replied woodenly and headed into the off room, getting stopped by her mother.

"You are still my daughter! You have to obey my rules. Now, where were you? Hanging around with those strange people you call friends? You'd think Aveline would watch you to prevent that. And you let your poor baby brother be influenced by shady characters?!"

Melora inhaled at the hurt those words caused. Since Bethany's death, her mother has been all but coddling Carver and forgetting she even was here, except to scold. And Carver let her coddle him, which hurt more. Knowing full well where those thoughts went and knowing that they summoned demons to her mind, she shut the door and locked it behind her as she went to her corner to pull out a book and her diary, running her hands over the book. It was all she had of her father and she always felt like it calmed her, like he was still there. She stared at the journal entry from when she and the others came to Kirkwall.

'Well, I suppose I can write while Mother, Carver and Aveline are asleep. I wish I would've switched with Beth today. Then Mother wouldn't be blaming me for her death, Carver would still have his twin and I wouldn't be living with all this hate.

Father, I often wonder if there isn't anything I touch that doesn't go to hell. First you died of that illness, then Bethany died to an ogre. I want to go back to when you were around... That was the only time I felt happy... Now, I have to hide who I am, even with friends... Crap... They're waking up... With dwindling luck, I might be able to find time to write some more...'

Melora bit her inner lip as she drifted off to where she often felt happy: the Fade. As a child, her father trained her to mentally enter the Fade if she needed a break. She and her father spent so many hours in the Fade, talking privately about anything from boys to what she liked about being a sister. She opened her eyes to see the familiar world, knowing soon she might not be alone. 'Dad? Beth? Anyone?'

A girl with Melora's hair color and amber eyes appeared, a man with black hair and blue eyes appearing soon after. 'Hey, Melly...' The girl said.

'Beth... I'm so sorry... If I had acted faster...'

'Don't blame yourself, dear sister... I wanted to save Mother, but it appears she doesn't see that...' The spirit of Bethany said, frowning.

'You're telling me... Ever since then, she's shoved me away and held Carver tighter to her... She's so grief-stricken that she blames me for anything I do... Half the time, I feel so worthless to her that I believe I'll be better with the mark on my head...' In the Fade, Melora could let her emotions out, knowing no one was there to see her break down. 'I just want her to not blame me for once. That's why I go hang around with my friends, to get some comfort.'

Malcolm Hawke rested a hand on her head. 'Just do what makes you happy, baby girl. Your mother may be distant or whatever now, but she wants you happy, too.'

Melora looked away, frowning. 'She still blames me for your deaths. I made a vow when you died, Beth, that I won't let anyone see me break down. Here, in the Fade, with you two, I don't mind...'

'I suppose you're stubborn about that, so I'll support you... Just remember there might be light amidst all the darkness. You've opened up to at least a few people, baby girl. I've always been proud of you and that'll never change. I think someone wants you in the waking world...'

'It feels like a mage, so, perhaps it's one of your friends?' Bethany asked.

'No one has ever visited me in Gamlen's hovel before... If they are a mage, I'm sure that Mother and the other two put on a face. I don't see why they'd start now.' She sighed and left, seeing Anders staring at her and she panicked, shoving the books behind her, but knocking a few staves down. "Shit. Sorry. Didn't expect anyone."

"I'm the one who's sorry, Hawke. I didn't want to disturb you. Mind if I ask what you were doing? It seemed like the Veil rippled around you for a while there." He asked, helping her pick up the staves.

That made her blink and tilt her head a little, wondering why he wanted to know. "Well... I was taught by my father how to mentally enter the Fade if I needed to. Since then, I've been able to do so at will. Though, I often forget where I am at..." Once the staves were up and in the correct place, she finally faced Anders. "So, something happen? Usually I can have a longer 'Fade-Time' than this..."

"I had a friend like you once. Got into all kinds of trouble, dragged me along. I didn't think I'd be doing that again." He said, watching as Hawke ignored her mother and family to exit with him to talk. "I got a bit weighty last time. Sorry for putting that on you."

She blinked and shrugged, placing a smirk on her face. "You'd be surprised how people tell me their darkest secrets... I must look trustworthy or something."

"You look... something, Hawke... True. Proud. Like even if you don't agree with me, you'll be honest."

That made her stare at him, wondering how he thought that of her, when even she herself didn't. It was something that she was so confused about with him. He claimed to see a 'pureness' to her, when she saw the opposite in her.

"I just hope I didn't seem too selfish when I told you about Justice." He glanced away, running his words through his head as he spoke. "I didn't know what would happen. I figured a willing host, a friend... I suppose I thought it had to be better than playing the demon and haunting a corpse."

Hawke sighed and felt the same. If she could, she would have not only her father, but Beth in her head. "We can't always predict the outcome of our actions... I learned that the hard way. But, we can only make them with a true heart..." She wondered if her father had rubbed off on her in her Fade-trip.

Anders must've been stunned, too, since he blinked at her, soon grinning a little. "Kind, wise and beautiful. You must've made a deal with some demons yourself..."

"Nope. Just plain ol' me." Hawke smirked.

"I shouldn't have presumed you did. I just... we've just met, yet I feel like I know you." Anders said as they walked to Hightown. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't mean I want you to stop..."

"I'll keep that in mind. I warn you though, I'm not a safe man to get involved with. I'll hurt you."

"Why would you hurt me?" She was confused for a few seconds before it hit her in the eyes when he replied.

"You saw what I did in the chantry. That's who I am. A year ago, maybe we could have had something. But I'm not that man anymore. I'll break your heart... And that might kill me surely as the templars."

"I've suffered a lot worse, believe me. It's not like I'm not used to it." She stated, looking at the sky and letting her words out that she often saved for when she talked to her father and sister. "If I wanted safe, I think I'd stay home everyday."

That got him to chuckle and the sound sent shock waves throughout her system. "True. You are unique that way, Hawke."

Melora felt a lot better now, liking how she could tease him, yet be able to be honest with him. Sure, he often shot a few advances down, but he still fought beside her. And he wasn't bad on the eyes, either. "That's... one word for it." The two wound up in the barracks, where Aveline was waiting.

"There you are, Melora... Hello, Anders." Aveline smirked a tiny bit, only really visible to Melora.

"What's up, Aveline?" She asked.

"Just wanted to thank you for helping me get to where I am now... It's where I'm supposed to be, I guess."

Melora smiled coyly and raised an eyebrow at Anders, making him blink. "So I have the Captain of the Guard in my pocket... That'll keep the law away from me..."

"You'll behave yourself."

"You never let me have fun."

"I think that's best for us all."

Melora huffed and pouted before chuckling. "Well, you get to have fun with Donnic, anyhow."

That got the warrior to glare at her, red-faced. "What. Was that, Hawke?" That got her friend to grab Anders' arm and rush out of the office, grinning.

There we go... Gimme credit.. I have two stories going on that are happening at the same time in the Dragon Age timeline. Dragon Age 2 is said to start at the beginning of the Fifth Blight, but I realized how weird that is. Anders is in Kirkwall, yet he goes back? Say what? And then he is recruited, yet is still in Kirkwall?

*.* Much confused..
~~Skittles~~