2: The Roses in the Rain
Abby spent two nights in Aden's bed, his navy sheets printed with white constellations and his bedroom ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark-stars, which somehow made her miss Raven even more. Two mornings in a row she awoke to a small hand stroking her forehead before he climbed into bed with her and started fifty sentences with "Nanna Ab, did you know…?"
When Clarke was a child, Jake would kneel at her bedside in the mornings to wake her for school, stroking her forehead so his 'big voice' didn't scare her. She told Aden she had something in her eye when he spotted her tears; Jake a part of him even though the two had never met. Loss and love and gratitude and regret hit Abby in waves. Pictures of family lined the mantle, their blend beautiful and painful as Abby's eyes roamed the identical wooden frames.
Costia, pregnant, Lexa's reflection in the mirror as she took the picture.
Lexa and Costia with Aden.
Clarke and Lexa with Aden.
Clarke with both Jake and herself when she was nine.
Anya, Lexa, Clarke, Aden, and Raven at Christmas four years ago, Abby seated on Raven's lap, red tinsel slung around her neck like a scarf.
Abby knew she hadn't smiled like that in a long time. Raven's eyes shone at her through the photograph, reaching for her heart and creating a pull which see-sawed between comfort and despair.
Lexa watched Abby over those two days like she was afraid Abby might break. Clarke walked around the house with a scowl on her face as though Abby's predicament was a problem she needed to solve, even though they all knew there wasn't an easy answer. And Aden, the beautiful boy who was an amalgam of all the people on that mantle, spent two days talking to Abby about watercolour pencils and how Clarke had taught him to blend. Abby slipped six pages of rainbows into the front pocket of her suitcase the following morning. Each one had wrinkled the paper as it dried. Each one had edges more precise than the last.
"I know we don't have much spare room, Abby, but you're welcome to cancel your reservation and see if you can get some money back. We'd love to have you for the rest of the week." Lexa wiped her hands on a dish cloth and threw it over her shoulder as she bent down to retie Aden's shoe.
Abby couldn't explain that, as much as she loved the three of them, being around them in her current state almost made it harder. She could never admit that cotton sheets and wooden rocket ships made her heart ache, or that she missed Ontari even though she knew she'd made the right decision. Ontari's face would never find its way onto their mantle.
"Thank you, but I'll be okay. I still want to spend a lot more time with you all before I have to head back, but also probably need my own space, you know?" Abby reached out a hand to pull Lexa up from her position on the floor and drew the woman into a hug before turning to Aden.
"You have a wonderful day at school, mister." Abby pressed her lips to the top of Aden's head as he clung to her leg.
"Tell Clarke to call me when she gets home from work, and if everyone is feeling up to it we can do dinner." Abby grabbed the handle of her suitcase and made her way to the door, hand in hand with Aden. The three left the building together, Abby giving her grandson another kiss as he and Lexa headed off toward school in the opposite direction to her hotel, his bright red back pack almost as big as he was.
Abby had taken the week off work without a plan. As she walked back to her hotel to dump her bag, the image of Raven in the picture on the mantle was the only thought in her head. Abby wanted Christmas with Raven again. She wanted laptop movie dates in bed and Saturday morning walks. She wanted the niggling arguments about the best way to hang the washing. She wanted those sharp prods in the rib whenever she put her cold feet against Raven's legs in bed. She wanted it all back.
Unlocking her door on the first try, Abby walked into the room and let the door swing shut behind her. She wheeled her suitcase over to the end of the bed and flopped down against the covers she still hadn't slept in. Her rumbling stomach reminded her she hadn't eaten the breakfast Lexa had made for her, Aden scraping her eggs onto his plate with a wide grin when she said she wasn't hungry.
At work, Abby make split second decisions every day, acting on something while the next step was on her mind. Outside of work, Abby chewed her decisions into the inside of her lip mulling over pros and cons and feeling sick to her stomach more often than not. Seeing Raven was probably a terrible idea, but their last encounter was playing on a loop in her mind and Abby felt stuck.
Reaching into the pocket of her jeans to retrieve her phone, Abby rolled it over and over in her hand as she lay on the bed. Shifting onto her side, she opened up her messages and scrolled past the names of Ontari, Clarke, Callie, Lexa, and several colleagues before coming to Raven's name.
The last messages they exchanged were more than two months old, Abby's words typed through a blur of tears. She hadn't expected to see Raven, only flying in for the weekend to spend time with her family and watch Aden while Lexa and Clarke went to the engagement party. While it felt odd to acknowledge the reason for her visit was that her ex-girlfriend was clearly moving on, Abby was also happy for Raven.
Ontari had taken Abby away for her birthday the weekend before, and everything about the food and the setting and the time of year had helped her forget the lingering doubts which plagued her whenever she gave herself too much time to think.
Stopping by the grocery store on her way to Lexa and Clarke's, Abby walked the aisles without any particular purpose, searching only for snacks she could share with Aden during their movie night sleepover. She walked past Raven completely before she noticed a woman next to her turn and stare.
"Abby?" Raven tried to piece her ex into the puzzle of her new life, looking around in disbelief as if Abby was a figment of her imagination or simply didn't belong.
Abby smiled, giggling despite herself she stepped towards Raven as if to hug her before thinking better of it. Letting the grocery basket hang at her side, Abby's eyes widened as she remembered what the day represented, and recalled all the other things being buried deeper by its occurrence.
"Raven. I wasn't expecting to see you." This was an understatement, if she'd thought about it she may have dressed in something a little nicer than a plain t-shirt and an old pair of jeans. Abby blushed at the thought. She had a girlfriend. Thoughts of dressing for her ex crossed more lines than she could count and she looked at Raven, speechless, pleading with her to say something to fill the silence.
"It's been a long time, Abby." Raven nodded her head as though agreeing the silence was unlike them, agreeing that the feeling of being short on words with each other was entirely unfamiliar. "It'd be nice to catch up properly sometime, I really can't stick around right now, I have to get home to get ready-"
Raven stopped, teeth sinking into her lower lip to prevent the rest of her sentence from filling the space. Abby saw a thousand thoughts cycling through Raven's mind and, somehow, guilt weighed in the pit of her stomach.
"It's okay, I know about the party, Raven. I'm looking after Aden so Lexa and Clarke can enjoy the night and not have to worry about being woken from their hangover by Commander Aden, leader of the Tree Crew?" Abby smiled, brow furrowing as she tried to remember the details of the make-believe world Aden had created.
"I think he's Commander Aden, leader of the Woods Clan who are also the tree people?" Raven shrugged, scrunching up her nose as she tried to piece together her own understanding of his elaborate stories. "I just remember there being a bunch of different clans, but he was the boss of all of them even though they all had their own boss." Raven shrugged again, sighing.
"He sure will be the boss of everyone someday. That boy can wrap people around his finger in seconds." Abby stopped short of adding that this trait reminded her a lot of Raven, the way she could charm anyone with the quirk of an eyebrow if there was something in particular she needed. Their talk of Aden was neutral, enough of a step away from personal that it could be done casually, but their familiarity with each other in that moment set Abby's mind spinning.
"Sorry, you have things to do." Abby pressed her lips together, not wanting their interaction to end, but knowing she had no choice. "Look, I'm so happy for you and Gina. You two have the most wonderful time tonight, okay." Abby meant every word, but it didn't stop the way each of them hurt like a Band-Aid being pulled away from her skin too slowly.
She wasn't prepared for Raven's response to come in the form of an embrace. It almost caused her to drop the grocery basket altogether. Raven's arms around her neck, always her neck, pulled her in and Abby's free arm went automatically to Raven's waist. Abby was conscious of keeping the touch light, and as several thoughts merged in her mind, Raven let go, standing before her as awkwardly as she had when they'd first spoken.
"Look after yourself, Abby. It was nice to see you." Raven smiled as she walked off, and Abby stood staring at rows upon rows of brightly coloured cookie boxes trying to ignore the way her heart was pounding in her chest.
Abby's heart beat the same disjointed rhythm as she lay on the bed in her hotel room, reading over the message she'd sent Raven two days later. Her eyes stung as she remembered typing out the words while packing her bag to go back home to Ontari, and wishing she didn't have a reason to leave.
Before she could fall into a cycle of overthinking yet again, Abby went to her phone contacts and scrolled to the first listing under R. Pressing Raven's name and number in quick succession, she leapt from the bed and paced the room to the sound of the dial tone.
"Hi. Abby?" And just like that, her name hung from Raven's voice again like a question, like it wasn't supposed to be a part of her day. Abby closed her eyes, squeezing them shut and could hear Clarke's warning in her mind not to rush into any decisions.
"Yes, it's me." Abby pulled the phone away from her ear as she took a deep breath. "How are you, Raven?" She sat back down on the edge of the bed, elbows digging into her thighs as she waited for the woman to speak.
"I'm great, Abby. What's happening?" Abby knew Raven would most likely be at work, but she couldn't help but feel dejected at the distraction in her ex's tone.
It took every ounce of willpower for Abby to maintain her own, light and casual. Sitting up straight, she pushed her shoulders back and forced a smile, hoping Raven would be able to hear it.
"I'm in town for a few days and I was thinking back to when we bumped into each other a couple of months ago." Abby stood up and began pacing again, teeth pressed together before she continued. "I was wondering if you were free for a quick catch up over coffee sometime?" She scrunched up her face like someone anticipating a punch, and waited for Raven to respond.
"Yeah, sure. Um, this week is about to get a little insane for me. Is there any chance we could do lunch or something today? Other than that I've got Saturday free. When do you leave?" Raven sounded as if she were now giving Abby her full attention and Abby felt as though she'd just hauled the groceries to her front porch in one trip and was finally able to put them down.
"I leave late on Saturday, but today would be great. Does that café down the street from work still do those amazing burgers?" It had been a good while since Abby thought about those burgers, but the two would often meet there if their breaks aligned despite their different schedules.
"Sure does. How's 1pm for you? I have a meeting at 12 which shouldn't go long, I could message you if I'm running early?" Abby smiled at Raven's offer.
"Okay, sounds good. Don't rush though, I have all the time in the world." Abby relaxed against the desk which stood against the wall opposite the bed, free hand tapping out a rhythm against her thigh.
"I'm jealous." Abby could hear Raven's smile through her words and she closed her eyes at the way it made her heart beat faster. "Okay, looking forward to it. I'll see you later, Abby."
"See you soon." Abby ended the call and wandered back over to lift her suitcase onto the bed. Unzipping it, she pulled out her clothes and spread them across the bed considering what she should wear.
She had packed three pairs of jeans and a number of tank tops, tees and shirts, and while half the lunches she'd shared with Raven at the café in the past had seen her in scrubs or sweats, she couldn't decide between wanting to dress appropriately and wanting Raven to really see her. Trying on several combinations, Abby decided on grey skinny jeans, and a fitted red and blue checked shirt over a black tank which was cut just low enough.
Abby busied herself for the next couple of hours, returning a call to the estate agent who was dealing with the sale of their house, and scheduling interviews for a replacement for her position at work. Abby already knew Ashish Jackson was the most likely candidate, having worked closely with the young surgeon for the past three years she was well aware of his expertise.
At a guess, the walk down Massachusetts Ave would take her about 45 minutes, and Abby figured if she took her time it would be the best way to kill the hour she had left to wait for Raven. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she slipped her phone into the back pocket of her jeans and headed out of her hotel. The sun glinted off the windows of the buildings around her and although it was warm, it wasn't hot enough to make the walk uncomfortable.
She had barely walked a block before her phone buzzed in her pocket with a message from Raven saying the meeting had been cancelled altogether and she was going to have a drink at the café while she waited for Abby.
Looking around, Abby spotted a cab and stepped off the curb to draw the attention of the driver. The midday traffic was a little heavier than usual, the driver rolling his eyes and tapping impatiently on the steering wheel as if it were peak hour and his shift was due to end. Paying the driver, Abby stepped out onto the side walk and took a deep breath, trying to calm the churning in the pit of her stomach at the thought of time with Raven.
When she walked into the café, she glanced around the space noting it had changed somewhat since her last visit. Looking at each table in turn, Abby squinted against the sunlight which streamed through the windows trying to spot Raven.
She turned to the left when the familiar voice called her name, and saw a hand waving to her from a table in the far corner.
Raven looked stunning. Abby wasn't at all surprised, but she had almost forgotten how the woman dressed on formal work days, meetings and presentations had always seen suits hanging on the back if the bathroom door before they would head to bed at night.
In that moment, she decided lunch had been a terrible idea. It was made worse only by the beaming face of Gina beside Raven. Abby concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other, willing her legs to cooperate when she felt rooted to the spot. Pasting on a smile which she hoped Raven had long since managed to see through, she approached their table and only hesitated slightly when Gina rose to hug her.
"Abby, it's so great to see you. It's been so long." It had been so very long. The last time Abby had seen Gina was at Raven's birthday dinner three months before they had broken up.
"Gina, you haven't changed a bit. You look wonderful." She did. Abby hated admitting it.
The bashful smile she remembered spread across Gina's face and the woman looked over at Raven who was working her way along the seat of the booth to stand. The two exchanged a smile which saw Abby digging her nails into her palm. What had she been thinking?
"It was nice to hear from you, Abby." Raven's arms wrapped around her neck and drew her into a hug. Abby kept one hand at her side, resting against her bag as she allowed her other arm to curl around Raven, the contact brief and as close to appropriate as she could manage. As they pulled away Raven shuffled back along the seat and gestured for Abby to sit opposite her.
"I told G we bumped into each other a couple of months back, it's a shame you weren't around longer that weekend, but this is good." Raven's sincerity made Abby's heart swell, but her words filled Abby with a new wave of guilt. She hadn't told Ontari. She hadn't told anyone. She'd treated her brief encounter with Raven like a dirty secret and was certain she'd blushed the next day when Clarke informed her Raven had mentioned it.
"Yeah, well I've taken a few days off and I spent the weekend with Clarke, Lexa and Aden, but they're at work and school so I need to find some other things to occupy myself." Abby spoke glancing between the two women, but not making eye contact with either one.
Gina's right arm was outstretched and it was clear to Abby her hand was resting on Raven's thigh. She knew she had no right to be jealous, but Abby felt her chest fill with frustration as though Gina was the one who had no right to be near her. Abby was well aware she gave up any rights long ago.
"Well, it was nice to see you, Abby, but sadly the meetings I have lined up for today haven't been cancelled." Gina rolled her eyes at Raven in mock frustration. "I'll leave you to it, ladies." Placing a hand to Raven's cheek, Gina leaned in and placed a kiss to Raven's lips, the two smiling at each other before Gina made to leave. "Bye, babe."
Raven and Abby both waved at Gina as she left and, without missing a beat, Raven turned back to talk to Abby.
"So, time off. Are they forcing you to take some leave? I used to have to beg you to put in for days." Raven joked, speaking so casually it stung. Abby reached for the bottle of water at the end of the table and turned over a glass, filling it and taking a sip before responding.
"I've taken a bit of time recently. It won't transfer when I leave so I've been taking a few days here and there." Abby reached for a menu and opened it out in front of her before taking another sip of water.
"You're leaving? Wow, have you been offered something else?" Raven's eyes were alight with excitement and every expression which was so familiar left Abby feeling more hopeless about her decision.
A woman came to take their orders and the two of them both requested the very same burgers they had always ordered. They shared a smile at the continuation of their tradition and Abby fiddled with her napkin, purposely drawing her gaze away from Raven's.
"So, I've decided to move back. Thelonius didn't ever advertise my position and they're now expanding, so I can essentially walk back in and pick up where I left off." Abby blushed at her word choice and Raven noticed, her smile fading at seeing Abby's discomfort.
While they waited for their meals their talk drifted to the neutral topic of Aden again. Abby knew Raven caught up with Clarke and Lexa regularly now that some time had passed, but she was also painfully aware of how much time Raven lost with them, and with Aden in particular, when she ended their relationship.
"I'm so sorry, Raven." Their meals were placed down in front of them as Abby hung her head. She felt the weight of her mistakes pressing against her chest and she rubbed the heel of her hand against the spot above her which ached the most when she allowed herself to acknowledge her regrets.
"What do you mean, Abby?" Raven pushed her plate aside and clasped her hands together, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the table between them.
Abby rested her own hands on the table and took a deep breath, straightening up and taking a moment just to look at Raven. Their three years apart had been kind to the woman, barely a line in her skin marking her change of age. By contrast, Abby felt as though she were worn and tired, and was certain it showed in her eyes. Her hands looked like she remembered her grandmother's looking and she chuckled, the sound almost bitter as it occurred to her how ridiculous she was, a grandmother herself now, trying to wrestle with the heart ache of being in love with someone so much younger.
"I've made so many mistakes. Ontari and I broke up two months ago and I've spent that time thinking about all the things I wish I could change. Longer, if I'm honest. I'm sorry that you lost so much more than just me when I ended things."
Raven reached across the table and rested a hand on top of Abby's. She dipped her head to catch Abby's gaze and Abby bit down on the inside of her cheek, trying to think of anything but Raven's touch. She hoped her reaction, her need to turn her hand over and reciprocate the gesture, wasn't obvious.
"Abby, I-" Raven sighed, stroking her fingers over Abby's knuckles, oblivious to the torture Abby was feeling in the moment. "-you can't feel guilty about that anymore. Breakups are devastating for everyone involved. Even though it was your decision, I know it was a horrible experience for you and, in some ways, one of the hardest parts was that you were hurting and I couldn't do anything to help you because I was part of the problem." Raven's face was full of concern and all Abby wanted to do was lean across the table and kiss her.
Abby's heart ached at the realization that her suspicions had been true. Nothing had changed for her in the three years since she had broken up with Raven, she still felt exactly the same, and yet everything had changed in that time.
"You were never part of the problem, Raven." Abby looked her in the eye as she spoke, her words hanging between untouched for a long moment. "We should eat before this gets cold." It took every ounce of will power Abby could muster to pull her hand away from Raven's. "Tell me about work."
Raven unwrapped her cutlery and placed the napkin on her lap, her eyes still full of concern and something else Abby couldn't quite place. Sadness? Confusion? Abby didn't want to analyse it too much. With a sigh, Raven began to fill Abby in on the latest developments at work, the major project she and her team were working on, and the partnership they had developed with a Japanese university which would see her heading there shortly before Christmas. Raven didn't mention her upcoming move and Abby didn't ask, her heart clenching at the thought that Raven would be following Gina and leaving the workplace she loved so much, even though it sounded as though she would be able to continue in the role in some way.
Abby listened, intrigued by how much Raven's department had accomplished in a relatively short time frame, and in many ways their conversation wasn't any different to those they used to share over lunch in the very same spot when they were still together.
"Abby, I could talk about work forever, you know that, but I'm a little worried about you." Raven picked up her napkin and wiped the corners of her lips before placing it on her plate and pushing it aside. "I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Ontari, and moving back is a great idea, but it's also another big change to deal with, you know?"
Half of Abby's burger remained untouched in front of her, but she mirrored Raven's movements and pushed the plate aside. Abby nodded her head to bide her time. She had a choice to make. The right one for her was not the right one for Raven, and with a history of making terrible decisions which affected them both, Abby was hesitant to even open her mouth.
"I- Raven- I came here for the wrong reasons today." Abby sighed, smiling at the beautiful woman before her. She swallowed against tears which were fighting for release, and the concern which was once again etched into Raven's features broke her heart.
"What do you mean?" Raven's voice was barely above a whisper, the sound carrying across to Abby only because she was watching Raven so intently.
It wasn't fair to leave Raven with an untidy picture of her feelings, nor was it fair to force Raven to relive Abby's mistake again as she listed her regrets. At the same time, though, Abby felt Raven deserved the truth, which was something she'd wrestled with until her conversation in Lexa and Clarke's kitchen three nights before.
"I just-when we broke up, I couldn't ever really explain to you why, and you kept asking me, you asked me for a reason and every time I couldn't give you one it felt as though another part of us was being torn apart and-"
"Abby, stop. You don't have to do this. It's not important anymore, okay? We're okay, you know? I don't expect explanations from you anymore." Raven reached for her purse and grabbed her card to hand to the woman who delivered their check, eyes never wavering from Abby as she did so.
"I know you don't, but I need you to know that it wasn't because I'd stopped loving you." Saying the word caused both of them to inhale sharply, colour dusting Raven's cheeks as she did so. Abby wanted to add that she still did, was still in love like a teenager and her heart had been in pieces for three years. She'd hoped Ontari could help to put her back together, but it was unfair to expect anyone to do something she'd never be able to do herself.
"The week before you asked me to marry you, it was the anniversary of Costia's death and Lexa had been distant for days, and Clarke -"
"I remember." Raven sighed.
"She went out with Octavia that night and was worried about Lexa so I went over to help Lexa out with Aden, and once he fell asleep we talked. She told me everything, about the accident, about receiving the phone call while she was at work, about having to drive to the hospital knowing from the sound of the woman's voice that there was little chance of Costia being okay-" Abby felt the tears trailing down her cheeks now and Raven rummaged in her bag again to find a tissue and handed it to Abby, tears in her own eyes too, "-and she was broken, Raven, completely broken having to tell me that. She had to drive over to Costia's mother's place afterward to tell her the news, it was just like-"
"Jake." Raven swallowed against the name of the man who'd had such a presence in her life with Abby. It had taken Abby time, too, to tell Raven about the death of her husband several years before. Clarke had been only twelve years old.
"I know there isn't an ounce of logic to equating marriage with the deaths of Costia and Jake, but I'd spent that week trying to draw you in closer, trying to protect you from the whole world, and then when you asked me to marry you it was as though everything inside me just froze."
Raven reached out her hands again and gripped Abby's between her own, pulling Abby towards her. Both of them leaned their elbows on the table, its depth the only thing keeping them apart. Abby stared at their hands, unsure she would be able to stand meeting Raven's gaze if she lifted her head.
"Abby." Raven waited a moment before repeating her name. "Abby, look at me, please?"
Abby drew one of her hands away from Raven's grasp and wiped her eyes before bringing her other hand back to join it, clasped inches away from Raven's. She couldn't look at her and touch her at the same time. It was too much. Shifting her gaze, Abby looked up at Raven, the sunlight catching the tears in the corner of her eyes as she spoke.
"We can't change all that, Abby. But I need you to know I'm not angry. Not at you, I-" Raven frowned and glanced at her watch, "I probably need to head back, but like I said I have Saturday free, why don't you come by before you leave?"
Abby felt a warmth begin to settle in her chest, hovering over the wreckage she'd caused and the memories it was attached to. She nodded her head, and as Raven began to shuffle along the seat of the booth, Abby did the same. As soon as she stood, Raven pulled Abby into a hug which nearly knocked the air out of her. Wrapping her arms around Raven's waist, Abby let herself have that moment, a few seconds where she could be close to her again, a few seconds to remember.
"Make the most of your break, Abby. Do some things you would never have done when you lived here. Be a tourist this week and just relax, okay?" Raven spoke quietly, her voice reverberating against Abby's neck causing her to pull away.
The two walked wordlessly to the exit and outside the café the sunlight created a glare from the pavement which saw both shielding their eyes and searching for their sunglasses.
"You take care, Abby. Give Aden a squeeze from Aunt Raven, okay?" Raven placed a hand on Abby's arm, and Abby took a step closer, wrapping her arms around her again.
"Saturday?" One word was all Abby could manage.
"Saturday." Raven smiled as she stepped back and Abby tried to ignore the way the woman's eyes began to smooth the rough edges inside her chest.
Raven walked away with a wave and a glance over her shoulder, and Abby barely walked one block before she reached for her phone and selected Lexa's number.
"Hey, Abby." Lexa's voice caused the edges of Abby's mouth to curve upwards in the first smile of her day which wasn't laced with sadness or regret.
"Hello beautiful girl, I think I'm going to take you up on your offer. I need to be with my favorite people right now, but I insist on sleeping on the couch so the two of you have the bed to yourselves."
Lexa argued with Abby for three more blocks, insisting Abby remain in Aden's room while Abby insisted he have his own space back. When Lexa called her stubborn she laughed for the first time all day and felt as though she could breathe again. What she couldn't say was that navy sheets printed and wooden rocket ships and glow-in-the-dark-stars made her heart ache for the woman she was still in love with.