A note: Chapter one! Yay! So, not much to say on this, I'm uploading right away, so no thanks to give to those people who might have replied if I had waited.

Warnings: Same as last chapter.

Disclaimer: Still don't own any of the characters poems and lyrics. Plot is mine.

Chapter one:

I ignored him for a while, but when he started playing, my concentration strayed. He had his eyes closed, and was swaying slightly to the light acoustics. An instant dislike settled over me. Who did he think he was? What right did he have, to look like what he did, and create the soft, sweet music that he did? It was entrancing, it made me watch him. What right did he have to force me to realize yet again how sick I was, how disgusting? It was not his place. Not at all.

The tune changed suddenly and it broke the trance I had been in. My eyes focused and met his darker blue ones, I glared deeply at him, as my stomach flopped and anger forced its way through me. It wasn't natural to hate someone this much after just meeting them. He smiled at me, and I gritted my teeth, closing my sketch book sourly. Who was he to smile like that at me? I grabbed my small red book and stormed out of the room, across the hall and into the bathroom. I was grateful his room was one of the more deserted parts of the dorms. It meant no one would be in the bathroom.

Upon entering I looked in the mirror. Was that really me? My hair was disheveled, and slightly frizzy. My skin was ghostly against the black of my long sleeved shirt. I looked into my own eyes for a minute before sighing. I couldn't do it right now. That was apparent. I didn't give in to the craving unless there was a need. There was no need right now, only an intangible want for the sweet kiss of metal. The caress of my razor shards… I wanted them, but why? Either way, I knew I didn't deserve a release. What had I done to deserve one? Nothing. There was nothing I had done to deserve a punishment either… I had no excuse. Even more so, it was vacation, I couldn't claim that the techs had mistreated me. I had no new markings on my body, no beatings… no reason at all, to try to say I was taking revenge on someone by hurting myself. All there was, was Demyx's smile hovering through my mind. That did not make me worthy enough for it. I asked myself again, why did I have this desire?

I didn't bother answering though, just stalking out of the bathroom, and down a few hallways until I arrived in the garden. It was more of a courtyard anyways, I decided in my mind. Why everyone called it the garden was beyond me. Perhaps they thought it was more of a garden because it had more flowers and other plants than a normal courtyard… maybe I was just wrong. I was always wrong. Who, besides me, would be confused as to the differences and qualifications between a garden or a courtyard? I was pathetic. Hopeless.

I let myself collapse onto a patch of grass, and allowed myself to lie down, looking at the sky. It was filtering out the light, last swirls of color only cut by the brightest of the stars, and the moons, all looking down on me. I noticed somewhat lazily, that I wasn't looking at them anymore, I was falling and falling into blackness, until it was disturbed by a blinding scene of light.

I was alone. Yet… I wasn't. My dream self seemed not to notice, or care, that someone was watching, because we just stared up at the clouds. This wasn't one of those out of body dreams either, I was inside my own head in this one. Yet it wasn't me. There was a separate trail of thoughts in my head, I could hear it. I was wondering when they would be done. Or at least my dream half was. I wanted to know who, they were.

"Are you ready?" We asked, not changing where we were looking. No response greeted us, and the thought that they were ready, echoed through me. "I'm coming then." We stood up slowly and he led me off in the direction we could feel the eyes coming from. The smallest of smiles playing on my dream self's lips.

"What do I get if I win?" He asked whoever we were looking for. He brought us between two trees, first glancing to the left, and then our head turned to the right, but there was a small rustle of movements and he closed our eyes. Someone's lips were on his, I could feel my own tingling, and both my dream self and I seemed to melt a little bit. Then he lost all real thought, his breathing changing as the other person rested a hand on the small of our back, and the other hand played in our hair, before the other person pulled me closer to him, our chest pressed. That's when the real difference between my dream self and I began. I tried to pull back, but I had no power over this. I should have known this dream was too good to be true… He deepened the kiss with me, and I wanted to scream at him, tell him to go away, but my dream self, sighed, and I knew he wanted more, he didn't want the kiss to end. He held onto the other's shoulders tightly, his hands pulling on the fabric slightly. I could feel the love flowing all around me, the trust, and happiness. It made me feel isolated in this dream. I was cold and neither my dream self or the other boy noticed. They just kept on kissing. I could smell everything, the light cologne of the other boy, the feel of his warmth, the breeze, there were birds chirping, the sun falling upon up through the trees…

The he pulled back, and my dream self smiled, still not opening his eyes all the way. Just enough so he could look at the other's eyes, a beautiful blue. I couldn't help but feel like they were familiar.

"Is that a good prize?" He asked, his voice familiar too, but it was slightly husky, and I wasn't sure… My dream self shook his head.

"Not even close," He leaned up, closing our eyes, and pressing our lips to his again. The taller boy let the hand that had been in my hair, fall to my back, holding us together like we didn't have much time, and it was the end of the world… The thoughts repeating again, surrounding me, about how much he loved the other boy, how much the other meant to him. I felt sick.

Things went black again, and I flew forward, my eyes wide. This was reason enough to tear apart my arms and feel the burning of the slices. My breathing was erratic, I couldn't stop my heart from pounding. I hated those dreams. I despised them with all my being. They were too real… a lot of them showing me things I didn't want to see, like that last one. I shouldn't want to kiss a boy, it was wrong, disgusting. It was sickening…

Carefully, I got up, still not calmed, but I clutched my red book to my chest, and went back to the bathroom closest to my room. Once the door was shut, I slipped into a stall and opened the book to a page with a small razor embedded into the binding there. I smiled softly at the poem.

"There are some qualities, some incorporate things that have a double life, which thus is made a type of the twin entity which springs from matter and light, evinced in solid and shade. There is a two fold Silence -sea and shore- body and soul…" I stopped, placing the book on the floor before me. I loved that poem, and I hated it all the same. Mr. Poe was a genius, but I doubted his poem, entitled silence, referred to being gay… I knew it didn't… but I'd never read the full poem, because I could pretend it was about my double life, double entity… or whatever I wished to call it. I pushed up my sleeve and looked at the array of cuts, most fitting into a barcode type design that was on the upper part of my forearm. Slowly, I pressed the metal to my skin, and agonizingly slowly I pulled it across, before releasing it. Blood swelled in small drops before flowing down the palest parts of my skin, and splattering into the water of the toilet. I shivered a bit, it was an odd feeling for me, to watch small bits of my life pouring away, the warmth flowing down, making my skin hot… I cut again and again, until my arm was almost covered in the liquid. Then I took a deep breath, wiping it with a paper towel, and looking at the crimson water inside the toilet bowl. I dropped in the soaked rag and picked up the book, tucking the razor away in it. I waited for them to stop bleeding. This took twenty minutes about, and even after I flushed the blood away and I exited the bathroom stall, a few of the deeper ones were still dribbling. I didn't look around, just went to the sink, the cold water immediately flowing over my red flesh. I shivered as it turned like ice on the heated area.

I could feel eyes on me, I looked up in the reflection and saw a somewhat tall, silver-haired boy watching me. I stared in horror and shock, paralyzed. He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, a black wife beater showing his muscles. I admitted to myself I was afraid. What's a skinny little fag supposed to do against a taller, muscled person? He pushed off against the wall and walked over to me, looking at the cuts, then at my eyes in the mirror.

"Is that a hobby of yours?" He taunted and I felt anger rise within me.

"Is it a hobby of yours to wait around in the bathroom?" I growled at him stupidly. He just smiled.

"No, only when I hear people reciting poems about their double lives." He was clearly pleased with himself.

"It's not mine. It's by Edgar Allen Poe."

"I know. But you only read half, and you were using it as your bible for cutting it seems." He indicated the marks. "Do they hurt?" He asked with a laugh.

"Go fuck yourself." I hissed and he laughed some more before leaving the room. I exhaled a deep breath and turned off the water. I could feel the things inside me breaking, but I wouldn't cry. I closed my eyes tightly and focused on my breathing, pulling down my sleeve not even bothering to dry off my arm. I took a few more deep breaths. About five or ten minutes later, I wandered back into the dorm room I shared with Demyx.

A different soft melody than before played, but I refused to look at him, though he was clearly watching me. I hid my red bound book under my pillow and curled under the covers, hugging myself into a ball, allowing myself to once again fall into a slumber, this one only black, no vivid dreams to haunt me this time…

The morning came faster than I had hoped, I yawned a bit and blinked a few times, clearing the sleep from my eyes. I started to panic, not remembering where I was, my heart sped up again, but then I saw Demyx's sleeping form, and I sighed, sitting up and relaxing. I had forgotten the techs had changed my room…

My eyes wandered over his bed lazily, I was still half asleep, even through the jolt that an immediate panic had given me. His guitar was leaned against his bed, his hand draped close to it, as if he wanted contact with it so he could feel better… I let my feelings of resentment and hate fester and bubble within my chest as I woke up fully. Something, I felt, was wrong though. I realized this while watching the slight movement of the strands of hair over his face, the way the fluttered just a bit as he breathed, the rise and fall of his strong looking chest… but he seemed to be glowing in the soft lamplight. It was, I noticed, beautiful… he was, there was an undeniable attraction to him, more than anyone else I had even seem… I could feel my heart beating violently within my chest, as I realized, I desired him. But I brushed it off as my flaw, my sickness… the world, I knew, would be better off if I was dead, so that I wouldn't pollute it with my perverse thoughts… And all those dreams of kissing boys with blue eyes like the ocean, and voices like-

Demyx rolled stirred a little and stretched sighing, his eyes opening, immediately looking at me. He smiled kindly.

"Good morning Zexion." My heart stopped. Voices like that, eyes like his…it made sense in that moment, and I wished I had cut more last night, deeper, longer, I needed more punishment for this. I needed something desperately. My look must have been terrible because he sat up quickly and started towards me. I grabbed the book under my pillow and half ran out of the room. He grabbed my wrist before I could get the door open. I bit my lip hard. This couldn't be happening… this wasn't allowed to happen. I hated him, I didn't know why, but I hated him. I wanted him, I didn't know why but I needed him. I could feel myself crumbling even more. How would I explain any of this even to myself later on?

"Zexion," He said my name in an odd way. It made me sick, it was like my name was special… but I looked at him, my features unmasked. I was scared, and when he realized this, he let go of my wrist. I wished I had cut there last night so I could have felt some pain when he grabbed the skin, but there was nothing. I swallowed, I didn't want to be here. I wanted to run away and leave this room, I wanted a release, there were foreign thoughts in my head, all through my body…

"Zexion, I'm not going to hurt you. What's wrong, you look like I just held you at gun point." I wished he had, but he laughed, obviously trying to make me laugh. I looked away, I felt like I had to throw up… I could actually feel the bile rising.

"I'm gonna be sick," I said in a quick whisper before opening the door quickly and running to the bathroom, collapsing in the same stall I had been in last night. I choked and coughed on my own acids. I wiped my mouth and ignored the burn in my nostrils, wiping cold sweat from my forehead. Two weeks left of our vacation time… and I was stuck with a room mate I hated, but wanted all the same, and I was going to end up being sick a lot, I supposed. I heard him open the door and I sighed into the bowl, flushing and resting my head against the cool metal of the walls in the stall.

"Zexion, are you okay?" He asked me softly, I could hear his breathing from right behind me. I laughed bitterly. And closed my eyes.

"Go fuck off, won't you?" I growled at him, my throat aching. He hesitated before kneeling behind me. And rubbing my back.

"No."

I turned and looked at him oddly. What did he think he was doing? My look quickly turned to a glare, and I punched him hard in the mouth. He was knocked off balance a bit, and held his lip, it was bleeding now, where it had hit his teeth, happily, I noticed my hand was hurt as well.

"I said, fuck off."

He sighed, shooting me one last regretful look before turning away and leaving me alone. I smiled, and close the stalls door, taking the small red book in my hand once again.

Thanks again for reading. Please tell me what you think.

The next chapter will be longer, I haven't finished typing it yet. I hopefully will soon. (computer problems and I've actually gotten out of the house! I never go out with friends so I gave up my typing time last night to see Hancock. I'm seeing Wall-E tonight!!)