Final Fantasy Bloopers Chapter 2: Final Fantasy I, a Final Fantasy I-VI + Final Fantasy X Crossover fanfic

I thought I'd write a second chapter, since there is so much that can be made fun of in the series. Don't get me wrong, I love Final Fantasy, but there are certain times where you just want to see the characters let go and act a little OOC so you can laugh. Also, I've already received a review telling me what I already know. I know that this isn't the crossover section, but I can only choose two categories for a crossover, and there are more final fantasy categories than I can include, so I decided to just put the story in this category. So please refrain from telling me this obvious fact. I am not violating this category yet, since the games I've focused on so far have been 1 and 4.

Warrior of Light: Are you finished talking?

Um….not quite…..

Warrior of Light: As you can see, we have readers waiting. Make haste.

Stop being so uptight…..Mr. Shiny…but anyway, this set of bloopers will focus mostly on Final Fantasy 1. Chaos and Garland and the four warriors of light will make their debut here.
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Fang was the first to wake. He yawned and brushed his dark hair out of his eyes. Looking at his fellow muses in the other beds, h e scowled.

"Wake up," he commanded. When the others didn't stir, he was even more enraged. "Damn it to hell, I said WAKE THE HELL UP!"

"Ahh where's the fire!" Terraform yelled, sitting bolt upright in his bed. Kamec soon stirred and glared at Terraform.

"On your head, idiot," the muse remarked. A vein pulsed in Terraform's neck and he flushed in anger.

"That is IT! I am going to buy a wig….RIGH T NOW!" Terraform roared, storming out of the room….only to come sprinting back in and curling up in a shaking ball under the desk.

"What the hell happened to you?" Fang asked, laughing at how pitiful the muse looked. An arm rose and pointed, shaking, out the door. Kamec peeked outside to see Rubicante stalk by the front of the room.

"Excuse me, is this Terraform's room?" Rubicante inquired politely. Kamec blanched and took a step back.

"Yes….why?" Fang asked. Rubicante grabbed Fang's hand and put something in it.

"I have something of his that I would like to return," Rubicante finished. "Good day."

Fang peeked at what Rubicante had given him. It took him a few seconds to figure out what it was, but then he burst into laughter.

"Let me see!" Kamec urged, walking over to him. Fang gave him the object, and soon Kamec joined Fang in laughing his ass off.

"What? What is it?" Terraform demanded, standing up now that Rubicante was gone. Kamec wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes and handed the object to Terraform.

Terraform was lost for words as he looked at it. It was a tuft of golden brown hair…which was the same color as the hair he had lost.

"WHY!" Terraform wailed, throwing his hands in the air. He did make sure to hold on to the hair, however.

Just then, a man dressed in red clothing poked his head into the room.

"Are you the muses?" the man asked. Fang nodded, while Kamec was trying to console Terraform, who was attempting to jump out the window.

"I'm Maximillian, the Red Wizard. I'm here to guide you to your first stop in the tour!" the man announced.

"Red Wizard? Does that mean you are one of the Warriors of Light?" Kamec asked after he finished tying Terraform to a bed post.

"Yep! That's me!" Maximillian replied. "Are you coming?"

"Hell yeah! Let's go Max!" Fang answered, walking out the door behind the Red Wizard.

"DON'T CALL ME ME MAX!" the wizard hollered. Fang shrugged and grinned mischievously.

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After a little walk, the three muses found themselves in the Square Enix studios. They were in the filming room, and the Director was about to commence filming of Final Fantasy 1. Maximillian, as well as the Ninja, the Samauri, and the iconic Warrior of Light popularized in the Dissidia series were all standing in the center of the room. These were the four Warriors of Light.

Director: All right, everybody! Today, we have three very special guests! So no **** ups! Let's show them how we work!

"This is gonna be good," Kamec whispered as the lights dimmed and the beginning began to roll.

Beginning Credits Take 1:

This world has been engulfed by darkness,

"Well, duh, the lights are off!" screamed a voice from back stage.

Director: Shhhh!

The wind stops,

All of a sudden, the three muses jumped in surprise as somebody turned a fan on in the background.

Director: I hate my job.

The sea rages, the earth begins to rot,

Director: EEP! *dives under his chair, then emerges while looking foolish when nothing happens.

But the people believe in one prophecy and wait for it.

"WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR IT!" screamed the same voice again, only to be shushed again by the director.

When this world is dyed dark, four Warriors of Light shall appear.

There was silence from back stage.

When this world is dyed dark, four Warriors of Light shall appear.

Still silence.

When this world is dyed dark, four Warriors of Light shall appear…

Director: APPEAR DAMMIT!

"Oh right, that's our cue!" Maximillian whispered. Then there was a shuffling and scuffling sound.

"The warrior class goes first!"

"I don't think so, the Red Wizard is always first!"

"Yeah right! Wizards are pussies!"

"SCREW YOU!"

"MAKE ME!"

"GLADLY!"

Director: GET ON WITH THE SCENE!

Cornelia Castle Gate:

The guard paced back and forth on top of the gatehouse, sighing. Since the princess had been kidnapped, security had been increased.

However, he knew that this would be another boring shift, since nothing ever really happened around this place. However, the guard was proven wrong as he glanced out towards the horizon and saw four men dressed in strange clothing approaching.

"Halt! You four, state your business!" the guard hailed them when they were close enough. The nearest man, who was dressed in blue armor and a horned helmet, was the one who answered.

"Greetings, honorable guard. We are here to meet with your King," the Warrior of Light called up to the guard.

"That is acceptable, but I will need to know your names," the guard replied. The Warrior of Light suddenly turned white.

"I….I…crap," the man sighed, slumping his shoulders.

"What the hell? He wasn't supposed to ask for our names….?" Ninja said.

"We weren't even named yet!" Samurai added.

"I was!" Maximillian argued…and was then thrown to the ground by Ninja and the others proceeded to stomp on his head.

"SHUT IT!" the Warrior of Light screamed.

Director: Perhaps I should have given them canonical names…..

The Quest is Assigned:

"Oh honorable Warriors of Light, please defeat Garland!" the King pleaded. The four Warriors of Light exchanged glances and nodded.

"We shall do as you command, O King," the Warrior of Light replied. The King's visage brightened visibly, and he let a smile grace his face.

"Thank you ever so much! I can't imagine having my Christmas Dinner without my daughter by my side!" the King finished.

With that, the four left the throne room. The King relaxed on his throne and allowed himself a moment of rest. He was sure that the Warriors would deal with the threat of…

"DIE GARLAND! I WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS AND BURN THEM IN THE FIRES OF-!" the king shot up in his chair as he heard battle cries from the dining room. That was impossible, there was no way Garland could be here…

The King ran past fleeing servants and entered the dining room. He stood dumbfounded at the sight before him.

Warrior was ripping the garland off the royal Christmas tree and throwing it to the ground, Ninja was stamping on a pile of them, Maximillian was…crunching some in between his teeth, and Samurai was tearing some more to shreds.

The King opened and closed his mouth dumbly for a few seconds and then he let his head fall into his palm.

"The kingdom is doomed…" he lamented.

The Confrontation with Garland Take 1:

There was an air of anticipation in the air as the four men finally entered the final chamber of the Old Chaos Shrine. They were fully rested, and they all knew that this was the room where Garland was holding the princess.

As they walked under the light, they saw the princess. She was tied to the back wall of the room, just above the throne.

"Wait, don't come any closer! It's a trap!" she called. Warrior reacted instantly, drawing his sword and whirling around. Garland, the corrupted knight, was among them in an instant.

"I assume you are here for the princess?" Garland growled, swinging his exotic sword in a deadly circle. Warrior ducked under the weapon as Ninja stepped back and began to hurl razor blades at Garland.

"We won't let you hold her!" Samurai roared, swinging his katana. Garland grabbed the sword by the blade and wrenched it from Samurai's hand.

"You utter imbeciles. You think I'll just let you waltz in here and take her? I, Garland, will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"

A silence followed….and then the four Warriors of Light dropped their weapons and began to laugh hysterically.

"Hahah…THAT'S your catchphrase? Heehee!" Warrior remarked.

"That's pathetic! Hyo hyo hyo!" Ninja guffawed. Garland growled and threw his giant sword to the ground.

"You can all just shut up! It was in the script!" the knight growled. When the four kept laughing. Garland grumbled. "I'm going to kill that director…"

Director: OH S**T!

Fang, Terraform, and Kamec watched in amusement as Garland tore through the backdrop of the Chaos Shrine and began to chase the director around the room.

"Well, this s-ACK!" Kamec started to say, and then he was abruptly wrenched out of his chair by the chain from Garland's multiform sword and was used to beat the director half to death.

Fang and Terraform looked at one another and laughed.

The Confrontation with Garland Take 2:

As they walked under the light, they saw the princess. She was tied to the back wall of the room, just above the throne. The cursed knight Garland was just in front of her, bent over his sword. There was a strange humming sound emitting from in front of him.

"His back is to us, let's ambush him!" Warrior suggested, drawing his sword. The other warriors agreed and they snuck up on Garland.

"That will not work, pathetic warriors. I knew you were here since you entered the Chaos Shrine!" Garland replied, startling the four men.

"Then let us fight!" Maximillian roared.

"Sure, as soon as I finish lunch," Garland said, not even turning around. Warrior wrinkled his brow in confusion. Lunch?

"Um…sorry, what?" The Warrior of Light asked, not believing what he had just heard. Garland sighed and rose from his position, revealing sword….that was currently in the form of a microwave.

"I'm cooking LUNCH!" Garland roared, shooting a fire ball at the Warrior, who easily blocked it.

"You…have a microwave in that thing?" Ninja asked tentatively.

"Of course! It also contains a screwdriver, a wrench, a pair of pliers, a pair of wire cutters, a fork, a knife, a spoon, a spork, a syringe, a bottle opener, a pair of tweezers, a toothpick, a nail file, a pair of scissors, a saw, a hook, a pen, a pencil, an eraser, a magnifying glass, a fish scaler, a key ring, a flash drive, a digital clock, a LED light, a speedometer, a voltmeter, an ammeter, a laser pointer, an MP3 player, a Bluetooth, a hammer, a corkscrew, a match, an Xbox, a Stereo System, a candle, a drill, a pillow, a hanger, a chin-up bar, a computer, a chain, an auxiliary sword, an axe, a lighter, a cigar, a bottle of armor polish, a tube of toothpaste, a tooth brush, a…" Garland droned.

"WE GET THE PICTURE!" all four warriors roared at once.

Director: Do these guys even look at the script?

The Four Fiends Take 1

Garland, his body dying, lay on the floor of the Chaos Shrine. The Warrior of Light, who was the only one left conscious, withdrew his sword from the knight's middle and fell to one knee, panting.

"You were an honorable opponent, Garland, but you succumbed to the darkness. This was your downfall," the Warrior admonished him.

"Don't….patronize…me…." Garland ground out as his life ebbed away. The Warrior of Light merely looked on in sadness as the last breath of life finally left the body of the knight.

"Did we do it?" Ninja asked, finally rising from unconsciousness. The Warrior of Light nodded. "Are you sure he's dead?"

The Warrior of Light bent over Garland, and went to check his pulse. All of a sudden, Garland leapt up from the ground, morphed his sword into an axe, and slammed it down upon the Warrior of Light with bone-crushing force.

"I CRUSHED YOU! AHAHAHAHA!" Garland roared as the wide-eyed Ninja watched.

Director: Garland…you are supposed to be dead…

"I just had to. It was too sickening for me to watch anymore," Garland replied, as the three muses chuckled in the background.

"WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO APPEAR THIS TIME!" screamed the four Fiends from off stage.

The Four Fiends Take 2:

Garland watched in agony as the Warriors of Light took the princess and left the shrine. All of his planning, all of his hard work, wasted! If only he had been stronger, then the princess would have been his! Now there was nothing left for him to do but lie there, bleeding his life away in this accursed ruin.

All of a sudden, there was a flash of light, and four imposing figures appeared in the center of the room. Garland's breath caught in his throat as he saw them.

There was a skeleton cloaked in darkness, a scaly woman wreathed in flames, a half man half squid from which water emanated in a steady stream, and a five headed dragon. These were the Four Fiends. They had come for him.

"WHAT THE F*** ARE THOSE THINGS! KEEP AWAY, KEEP AWAAAAY!" Garland screamed, forgetting that he was supposed to be hurt and running off stage and promptly tripping over the backdrop. "CRAP!"

"Wassss it ssssomething I ssssaid?" Lich asked, shrugging and looking at the others.

Director: What am I going to do with you all…..?

The Four Fiends Take 3:

All of a sudden, there was a flash of light, and four imposing figures appeared in the center of the room. Garland's breath caught in his throat as he saw them.

"Wait a minute! Wait just a freaking second!" screamed a voice from offstage. The four Fiends turned to see a very irate Barbariccia, the Fiend of Wind from Final Fantasy IV, come storming onstage, followed by Rubicante, Scarmiglione, and Cagnazzo.

"Who the hell are you guysssss?" Lich demanded. He was soon confronted by Scarmiglione, who was a rotting, immense corpse of a long dead beast that made Lich look tame.

"I am the real Fiend of Earth! I am here to kill all those who impersonate me!" the undead lord hissed, and then it tackled Lich, who abruptly fought back with his powers.

"The Fiend of Fire cannot be a woman!" Rubicante roared at Marilith. "NO ONE IS HOTTER THAN ME!"

Rubicante then summoned up flames hotter than the sun and hurled them at Marilith, who was quick to fight back.

"You are more suited for Japanese pornography than you are for being a Fiend!" Cagnazzo screamed at Kraken, who roared back indignantly and struck out at the Drowned King.

"We are the REAL Four Fiends! You are nothing but pitiful mockeries of us!" Barbariccia hollered at Tiamat, and then they began to grapple fiercely.

Garland and the Director stood beside each other off-stage, watching the eight fiends engaging in a ruthless battle that was quickly destroying the backdrop in a melee of earth, wind, fire, and water.

Director: I don't get paid enough for this….

"Agreed," replied Garland.

The Four Fiends Take 4:

All of a sudden, there was a flash of light, and four imposing figures appeared in the center of the room. Garland's breath caught in his throat as he saw them.

"Hang on….I feel like we've done this before!" Marilith interrupted.

"I know, suddenly I am experiencing an intense feeling of Déjà vu," Tiamat concurred.

"AGH! IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE CAUGHT IN AN ENDLESS CYCLE!" Kraken roared. Hearing this, Garland choked with laughter and rose from his position on the floor.

"Oh…the irony…" he commented.

Director: I am surrounded by morons…..

Reunion with Garland Take 1:

The four warriors entered the Chaos Shrine again, two thousand years in the past, and were surprised to find that it was whole again instead of crumbling, like it was in the present time.

"Look! Sitting on the throne…is that…?" Samurai said suddenly, pointing at a figure that was shrouded by darkness. The figure, upon hearing them, stood up from the throne and entered the light.

"Hahaha…long time, no see, warriors!" sounded a familiar voice.

"Garland!" The Warrior of Light exclaimed, for it was indeed Garland who stood before them.

"So you have…" Garland began, only to be cut off as a random teenage girl ran onstage and tackled him to the floor in a hug.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" she squealed in sheer happiness.

Director: Oh for the love of…who let the fangirl in?

"Don't look at me!" Fang said innocently, still holding the million dollar check that he had just received.

Reunion with Garland Take 2:

The four warriors entered the Chaos Shrine again, two thousand years in the past, and were surprised to find that it was whole again instead of crumbling, like it was in the present time.

"Look! Sitting on the throne…is that…?" Samurai said suddenly, pointing at a figure that was shrouded by darkness. The figure, upon hearing them, suddenly screamed and ran offstage.

"DAMMIT WARRIORS I WASN'T FINISHED PUTTING MY ARMOR ON YET!" Garland roared in embarrassment.

Director: You know…one of the conditions of being hired was that you had to be ready at all times….

Reunion with Garland Take 3:

"So let me get this straight….we killed you, and then your dead body was raped and somehow you appeared this far back in time?" Ninja asked, still confused.

"What? No! Nobody raped me! They did some sort of magic that went inside me and I appeared here!" Garland protested while the other three warriors cracked up on the floor behind them.

"So what you are saying is that you were gang raped by shiny time traveling lights?" Ninja asked again, trying to clarify Garland's story.

"NOBODY RAPED ME YOU IMBECILE!" Garland roared at the hapless Ninja. "Let's start from the beginning. I died."

"That part I get. You tripped over a pillar and fell on some spikes while the Warrior of Light gibbered to himself," Ninja replied.

"No….." Garland growled, quickly losing patience. "I was stabbed."

"By the spikes, right. I said I got that part. Next?" Ninja added. Garland emitted a groan and clenched his free hand into a fist.

"NO! I was stabbed by the Warrior of Light!" the knight screamed.

"Oh, I gotcha. While he was gibbering, the Warrior of Light managed to stab you!" Ninja replied, grinning.

"What the…THERE WAS NO GIBBERING!" Garland snapped. Ninja looked confused.

"Then who said, 'heheh look at the fight it's so special I want to suck their blood and draw satanic symbols on their bare chests as they die!'?" Ninja asked, confused again.

"I…I…HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" Garland shot back, utterly frustrated.

"Got it. So while somebody ranted in the background, the Warrior of Light stabbed you and you died." Ninja continued.

"Right," Garland sighed, glad that they had finally got something straight.

"…and then the shiny lights violated you and sent you to the past," Ninja finished.

"Yeah, right. Whatever," Garland sighed, just wanting to end this pointless conversation.

"Hey everyone! Garland was raped by shiny lights!" Ninja declared to the other warriors of light.

"THAT IS IT! I'LL CRUSH YOU!" Garland roared, finally losing his temper. He morphed his sword into a chain and tore it right through Ninja in one swift move.

"Aerith! I need a Great Gospel," Ninja moaned while the other Warriors of Light snickered in the background. There was no answer. "Aerith?"

"Hey there she is!" Kamec whispered, pointing. The other two mused looked to see the flower girl….making out with Edge on the couch.

"Would you look at that?" Terraform gasped. "I thought she was Cloud's girl!"

All of a sudden, Edge's eyes widened in sheer terror and he broke away from Aerith and started sprinting away as if the apocalypse was coming. The three muses looked on in amusement as Zack and Cloud charged past Aerith with demented looks on their faces.

"EDGE, I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO FERAL CHAOS!" Zack roared.

"YOU BETTER HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD LAWYER!" Cloud screamed.

A silence followed as Kamec, Terraform, Fang, and Aerith just stared off in the direction the men had gone. Aerith pouted.

"Now who am I going to make out with?" she whimpered. The other two muses looked on in surprise as Fang suddenly ran over to her.

"I think I can help you with that, ma'am," Fang said suggestively, winking at her. Aerith stared at him for a second, and then shrugged. Then she began to make out with him while the other two muses promptly had to pick their jaws up from the ground.

"How the HELL does he get so lucky?" Kamec groaned.

"I feel like tearing my hair out!" Terraform grunted. Kamec looked at him in confusion, and then Terraform remembered and began to cry his eyes out.

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A little while later, the three muses were escorted out of the studio by the Four Fiends, since the director needed time to fix everything.

Marilith had taken a liking to Terraform for some reason, and was constantly rubbing her body up against the bald muse. Terraform, unlike one would expect, was enjoying this treatment.

"What the heck, Terraform? You know she's half snake…right?" Kamec whispered to the muse, who was at the moment, rubbing Marilith's bare chest with his free hand. Terraform leaned in close to Kamec.

"Yeah, but she promised to give me my hair back if I gave her some wild sex tonight," the muse whispered, and Kamec blanched.

"Yeah, but her lower body is a…snake! Where would you…you know?" Kamec asked, trying to visualize, but failing.

"I think she can give herself legs," Terraform conjectured. Kamec shrugged and they continued walking.

Fang was walking arm in arm with Aerith, still kissing her every so often. Kamec glared at them in jealousy. How come everyone else got a girl?

"FANG, YOU GIRL STEALER!" all of a sudden Fang saw Cloud and Zack charging at him. Instead of running and screaming like Edge did, Fang just snapped his fingers and Sephiroth appeared in a whirlwind of black feathers.

"Sic 'em," Fang said simply. Sephiroth drew his seven foot long katana and smiled grimly.

"OH SHIT!" screamed the two men, and they began to run the other way, screaming like little girls as Sephiroth chased them away.

Kamec seethed in jealousy as his two friends enjoyed their female company.

"Well, aren't you looking rather down…" came many female voices that were somehow entwined into one, singular voice. Kamec turned in horror to see a blue, nine foot tall woman with tentacles emerging from her back and an eye on her breast.

"!" Kamec screamed at the top of his lungs, running as fast as his legs could take him away from Jenova, who merely smiled and followed him slowly.

"What's the matter, young boy?" Jenova whispered.

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Eventually, Fang, Aerith, Terraform, and Marilith reached their floor where their room is.

"Good night Fang! I'll see you in the morning!" Terraform gloated as he was led into Marilith's room. Fang shrugged.

"You want to come to bed, girl?" Fang asked, winking at Aerith. She grinned, and followed Fang inside.

As they climbed into bed, Fang noticed Kamec lying in the fetal position underneath the desk and whimpering like a scared girl.

"Kamec, you might not want to be in here…its fixing to get loud!" Fang warned the muse. Kamec nodded and extricated himself from the desk and left the room.

Kamec sighed as he was left alone out in the hall. Maybe he could ask Garland if he could share a room, since his fellow muses were off having sex or something.

"I found you, boy…it's no use hiding from me…" came an all too familiar female voice from behind. It was Jenova.

"HEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEEE!"