A/N not many readers yet, but thankyou so much to all of those who've already added this to their alert thingy
Also, for James, think Aaron Johnson and for Lily think Karen Gillan .
Oh and I post more fics on my blog acciobeautifulhorcruxes on tumblr too so it'd be awesome if you guys could follow me!
Enjoy!
The sight of the colossal castle unfurling from behind the screen of vast, snow-topped mountains was always a calming sight for me, every year, and it did well to soothe my agitated nerves following the disastrous meeting with McGonagall today. I was doing absolutely everything mentally possible to avoid thinking about Potter, and my duties with him. And of course, when you try not to think about something, what happens?
You think about it, naturally. I absent-mindedly pulled my trunk off the racks above my head, snapped open the compartment door and made my way out of the train, my group of friends following close behind. They did look slightly worried – I hadn't said a single thing since coming back from the meeting, and five hours of silence was a long, long time (not so much for me, actually, seeing as if I had my way I'd happily spend an entire day in the library just reading, without talking to a single soul). I guess they hadn't wanted to agitate me further after the meeting, so none of the conversations had been directed straight at me: I was free to join in if I wanted, but I had preferred to keep to myself in an attempt to quietly squash out the bubble of nausea that had, finally, begun to subside.
It could be that hard, could it? I mean, it wasn't as if Potter was too bad...
Woah. Woah, I seriously did not just say that. Who was I kidding? Potter was a fucking nightmare!
But still, the way he'd genuinely congratulated me...
Yeah, but that was just his nicer side that came out like once in a year (on the last day of the school year, when he knew he wouldn't be able to see me for about 2 months and would get all serious relationship-y and tell me how much he sincerely loved me). So I guess he'd already used up that small ray of sunshine, and there would be no more of this genuinely nice side of Potter for the rest of the year.
I wish he was like that more often. Maybe it'd make me like him more.
Ah well, I'd just have to make do, right? Plus, being Head Girl would give me a massive boost when picking career options after NEWTs, so I was determined to be the best Head Girl there ever was, not letting a measly boy get in my way.
Stepping out onto the platform, the freezing autumn afternoon wind whipped my hair around my face. I could make out mini fog clouds infront of everyone's faces as they breathed out into the icy air. Behind the impenetrable curtain of trees directly to our right (through which we would promptly be travelling in our horseless, self-driven carriages), the majestic silhouette of Hogwarts castle stood out proudly in the darkening misty night. My heart leapt at the thought of revisiting, after nearly two months, the hearty fires lighting up the Common Room, spreading their warmth to old and new Gryffindors alike. The Great Hall, with its magical floating candles and bewitched ceiling. The various classrooms, lined with a plethora of magical objects – the potions ingredients, the inanimate cushions, the teacups. And of course, the library, which always made me feel at home in all its bookish, comfortable glory.
A haggle of first years made their nervous way over to the lake, which they'd be crossing in small boats to get to the castle. I remember my first day here, how I'd been too scared to get onto a boat (following a rather unfavourable turn of events two years ago at a friend's sailing birthday party), and the only person who had bothered to help me on was, I realised later, James Potter. I don't remember much of the actual ride, apart from having been very conscious of his little eleven year old hands resting on my waist, trying to stop my shaking self from falling off.
I've always wondered why we have to travel on boats in our first year. What if the giant squid ate one of us?
But whatever. I boarded the carriage, along with Zaria, Frank, Alice, Elena, Georgie, Maybelline and Olivia. The night was dark but starless, a lonely moon swimming aimlessly in the black ocean. It wasn't too bright around us either – a few lanterns the only source of light. As we set off, the rusting wheels scraping along the rock-strewn ground, I heard a burst of laughter.
Turning back, I saw Potter and Sirius behind Remus – who was desperately trying to control them. In the dim yellow light I could just about make out, twenty feet back, that while Potter was trying to charm the carriage into a giant purple Pygmy Puff, Sirius was using the Accio charm to – believe it or not – charm a group of girls around him to zoom closer, willing or not. Their cries of distress mingled with the guffaw of Potter, ringing out loud and clear.
It was quite funny, actually. And I would have laughed, had the centre of attention not been Potter and his friends. Fortunately, his spell didn't seem to be working as well as he hoped, and the carriage was merely sprouting fuzzy purple arms out its side. I gleaned some manner of satisfaction in that his silly antics weren't working.
I set my forehead into an angry frown and called out. "Oi Potter! What dyou think you're doing?"
His head whipped round to face me, not surprised that the only time I ever bothered to willingly talk to him, my voice was heavy with chagrin.
He gave me his best deadpan face.
"Turning this carriage into a Pygmy Puff, Evans. Really, you'd think, having reached 7th year, you would at least be able to tell the difference between a mode of transport and a fluffy – "
"Whatever, Potter. I don't care about your fucking rubbish excuses. You know we've got to get to school in time especially on the first day!" Looking around, I could see that most of the students spilling out the train had already hitched a ride through the forest, leaving only us, the marauders and some other fourth years hanging around. We had been the last to exit the carriage, as seventh years all had an unspoken sense of responsibility to get the younger years out. Turning back, I saw a group of carriages driving themselves through the fog and into the forest. It looked strangely like something out of a horror movie, dunno why.
"And what? I'm head boy now, doesn't that mean I can do fuck all I want?" he raised an eyebrow as I turned back to the sound of his voice. His forehead crinkled to accommodate, the rest of his features spreading out. I knew that look all too well – numerous accounts in the corridors and common room had led me to recognise that look anywhere. He was teasing me.
I stepped down out of the carriage, which promptly resumed it's journey towards Hogwarts. I turned back, surprised that it knew exactly when to start moving. But shouldn't it wait for me? My friends gave me warning looks; Zaria mouthed something at me that was lost behind the curtain of trees. The carriage was gone so fast! I stared after them for a bit, then I turned round to face the Marauders again.
"No, not everything, Potter. You can't do everything you want."
"Does that still mean I can do you?" he winked, in his stupid indicative manner.
I sighed. Was he ever gonna grow up? I tried to avoid his stupid wonky smile and looked behind him, to where the few girls that had managed to – literally – be drawn into Sirius' trap hurried away, adjusting their robes back into an acceptable fashion. Some of them looked annoyed, but most of them felt rather pleased to have been in such close contact with the notoriously second hottest guy in the school. Sirius re-buttoned the top half of his shirt, letting the bottom hang out lazily.
He called out something to Pettigrew, who was meekly sitting at the very edge of their carriage, biting his nails. I struggled to make out what he said, however. I was too fixated on the way Potter's mouth was now curved into a suggestive smile. His eyes glinted with mischief, sending, as clichéd as it sounds, a shiver down my spine. His eyebrow, still raised, combined with his lips that –
Snap out of it Lily! I mentally shook myself. What was I doing, staring at Potter so hard?
"No, Potter. Grow up." I put on my most authoritative voice. If he was allowed to do and say 'fuck all' he wanted, wasn't I? "If you want this year to go smoothly, without irritating me out of my mind as has been the case for the past few years at school, then you need to become waaay more mature and get it into your head that I'm not in this for - "
He cut me off: "listen, Evans. I want this year to go subliiiimely, too" he said "But my idea of a good year is one where you," he indicated me by re-raising his eyebrow. I couldn't help but map out all his facial features again. God, I loved that gesture.
What? No, wait. I didn't say that.
"... get with me, finally, and accept that I'm the 'one for you' or 'mr perfect' or whatthefuckever it is that you girls call your 'dream guy'" he finished by spreading his arms to his side, in a motion that I was unsure as to how to interpret.
But he totally isn't my dream guy I thought to myself, raking my eyes over his chest as it made his shirt strain against the muscle. I followed the muscle in his neck, standing out as he raised his head higher. What did he think, I was gonna hug him?
Maybe I was.
But then he let his arms drop to his side and shrugged. The light was practically non existent now – the fourth years' last carriage disappeared behind me, taking with it the last of the lanterns. The Express had also departed, back to it's resting place in London, where it would depart from when the Christmas holidays started. The station lights had been automatically switched off, as no one was expected to remain this long at the station (looking at my watch, I realised nearly an hour had passed since getting off the train. What with guiding first years around as Head Girl and arguing with Potter, I had lost track of time).
Now look what you've done I thought to had it got to the point that it was now only the Marauders and Lily Evans left? I wouldn't be caught dead in any act against the rules with them, which included being late.
With a shot of dread, I realised I'd have to share the final remaining carriage with them. Remus, Pettigrew and Sirius were already seated, playing with a small two-way mirror. Potter was leaning against the wooden side, awaiting my response. Unwittingly, I had moved closer as the light retreated, now only about five feet from him.
Another deep sigh later, I found my voice weary and condescending. "Oh poor you, Potter. You live in this fantasy world don't you? Where the grass is green and the sun shines and you've got your little 'ruby jewel' aka me, next to you. Did you think, after six years of positively harassing me, that I would actually start to like you? No way. No way at all, Potter. Try harder, I guess. Or don't," I shrugged, not wanting to lead him on.
He looked at me expressionlessly, searching my eyes for something. I looked away, up at the rest of the guys who were still engrossed in that little mirror. Remus and Sirius were both leaning away from eachother, talking animatedly into the glass rather than at themselves. Pettigrew sat rather awkwardly on the other side, shiftily looking this way and that.
Potter stopped leaning on the wood and stood up right, a grin lighting up his face. His perfect white teeth shone through, even in the darkness.
"What's s-so funny?" I realised I was actually shivering of cold. In my annoyance, I hadn't realised how much the temperature had dropped in the early September air, and my robes over a simple shirt and jeans definitely weren't keeping me warm enough. It was weird, being this cold with an absence of a breeze. I rubbed my hands over each opposite arm, crossed over my chest. Potter unknowingly mirrored my actions, before peering into the darkness behind me and coming to the realisation that I didn't have a ride.
"Oh, nothing. Not much, anyway. Nothing you need to worry about!" he said, as an inadequate explanation as to why he was suddenly so happy.
"Well s-stop it then. It's c-creepy." My teeth chattered, betraying my vulnerable position. He immediately closed the small gap between us, rather indiscreetly throwing his arm over my shoulder.
My oestrogen went wild. I'd never been so close to Potter and I was so intimately aware of his hand over my arm, his thumb imperceptibly brushing the side of my breast. I should have been disgusted. I really should have. I should have pushed him away.
But it actually felt... nice.
Maybe.
Actually no.
Ugh whatever.
"Ah, Evans. Think we should leave now?" he said, concerned for me and oblivious to the effect his proximity was having on my hormones. He smelt so... godly,and so much of man that I couldn't handle it. I kept my arms drawn around my chest, unsure of where to place them seeing as he was so close to me, and not wanting to put them around his waist because – let's face it – I didn't want him to 'win'.
It had always been about his ego. In the end, the past six years had been about my not surrendering to his constant provocations; at first, it was merely a matter of extreme dislike and ire towards him. Then later, I decided that it wasn't he wasn't as bad as I thought, and it was basically not letting him ever get the satisfaction of having won me over.
And hell, as long as I was concerned, he was never gonna get it.
"Sure," was all I managed to get out in the frosty, September, 8pm-and-already-very-late air that seemed to be constricting my lungs of oxygen.
That, combined with the breathless feeling of being in such close contact with the most attractive smelling guy I've ever been near, meant that my usually extensive vocabulary was now severely restricted and I actually couldn't be bothered to say anything more edgy to him.
He quickly manoeuvred us towards the carriage, upon which Sirius and Remus immediately stopped talking, looking at the two of us huddled together with expressions of amusement and bewilderment.
We sat down opposite the other three, Potter's arm still around me. Remus was the first to speak after a short silence (in which Potter was exchanging a series of glances with Sirius, the kind me and Zaria and all other best friends shared. The kind that said a lot without actually saying anything, and of course anyone unaccustomed to any best friends' ways felt totally out of place).
"So um, Lily. Hey! How come you didn't go with the rest of your friends?"
The final carriage with the five of us trundled off into the darkness. It was so pitch black that I couldn't even make out Remus, Sirius and Pettigrew, who were sitting less than three feet infront of me. The trees The only thing my senses were caring to register was the feel of Potter's body pressed up against mine, and my breath coming out shallow as I felt my stomach stirring with... not nausea, no, but something else. Something I'd only felt in a very diluted form with other boys I'd been out with in the past. Sure, I'd known Potter to be that toe-rag git, but I'd never really appreciated that he might just be... good. Like, sincerely a good person?
Lily, stop it.
I vaguely remembered Remus having asked me a question about five seconds earlier.
"W-what? Sorry?"
I looked up, leaning away from Potter slightly and making to get out of his tight grip around me. He felt my discomfort, and after an initial few seconds of battling with his own will (not wanting to let go of my body now that he'd finally come so close in seven years, and not wanting to annoy me) he finally slackened his grip the tiniest fraction, enabling me to shift a few millimetres away from him.
"Oh nothing. I was just wondering, how come you're here with us?"
By now, we were so deep into the forest that I could barely see my own feet on the floor of the carriage. A winding path had been cleared out through the middle of the clump of trees for the carriages, just wide enough for the trees not to touch us but narrow enough that you constantly felt like the few trees with actual magical abilities (following the disaster of Henry the Hilarious back in 1876, in which he had accidentally bewitched select few trees with powers resembling our own human magical ones) were conducting a constant scrutiny of the passengers passing through their realm.
"I um... I... don't kn-know," I shivered again, not trusting myself to make up any excuse what with the cold and the Potter next to me, severely affecting my usually sharp brain power. I was glad none of the other boys could see my facial expression, and the effect Potter was having on me.
Before I could get over the heady smell of boy (Merlin, what cologne did he use?) he, as usual, recovered from being next to me quicker than I did to him (we were having an equal measure of effect on eachother) and told them.
"Her entire posse of friends – " (he said the word like it was an object of ire to him. and I guess it was – it was always my friends that had prevented him from getting close to me, and it was always them who had maintained my own first impression of Potter: no matter how many times I tried to look at him from a different angle and mentioned this to them, they'd bring me back to Lily-hates-James-Potter-ville.) "- took off without her while she was rather kindly arguing with me on different motives to convert a carriage into a Pygmy Puff."
This, of course was not true. Well, not the end of it anyway. I take myself to be a very good psychoanalyst in many occasions, and I pride myself on being able to discern emotions emanating off people very accurately, as was the case today. From the spongy silence surrounding the five of us, I knew Remus was still unsatisfied with the answer – Lily Evans would never, not in any casual situation, speak willingly to Potter, let alone let him drape his arm around her.
I realised this, and shuffled harder under his grip, wanting to escape from his arms and shift up the other end of the carriage seats.
A silent struggle ensued, with me wriggling my shoulders as he continually tightened his right arm around my shoulder. None of the others noticed, I don't think, and after a while I gave up. Not without the final word, though. I made sure to give him a hard-hitting blow on his chest with my right fist, as 'punishment' for not letting me go.
And the worst thing? None of us meant it. It was all in good nature, and that had never happened between us.
I gave in to his persistent attempts and scooted back next to him. His arm again brushed over my right breast, sending electric shocks through my abdomen. I didn't know if he was doing it by accident, due to the rocking nature of the flimsy carriage, or on purpose. Or maybe accidentally-on-purpose, trying to mask his apparent interest in my chest as a side-effect of the swaying carriage.
But whatever, I wasn't complaining.
Merlin, what was wrong with me?
I could feel his bodily heat emanating and filling the tiny gap I had purposefully left between us. I unconsciously crossed my right hand across my body and placed it on his hard chest.
Sirius spoke.
"Hey James, what dyou say for Bethany Kilton tonight?" a playful tone was in his voice, and I'm sure his eyes would have been glinting.
What did he mean? Saywhat for Bethany tonight? I knew what Sirius was capable of, but what immediately sprang to my mind when he said that was some sort of inacceptable threesome in the Gryffindor common room.
Yuck.
"Sorry, Sirius, but say what exactly for Bethany?" I inquired, concerned not to let this imaginary situation of mine to become a reality.
James' hand tightened around my arm. He cleared his throat before speaking.
"I, uh... no, Sirius. Not tod-... not e- just whatever. No." he cleared his throat again, and I was certain he was hiding something.
"James... aw come on mate!"
"Excuse me! What dyou guys plan to – "
Remus cut over me. "Look, Lily. It's nothing, okay? These guys just stalk girls every night, memorising their routines or whatever, but trust me, they've never actually done anything. Really."
Because it was Remus, I believed him (albeit rather indignantly).
Sirius made a scoffing noise. "Spoilsport."
I shook my head, accidentally brushing my hair across James' bare arm, who shivered in response.
The trees cleared, and now the colossal castle almost completely filled my view. The black towers and turrets and bridges, all silhouetted against the orangey-blue sky. Hundreds of arched windows all looked out from the stone walls, like multiple eyes of a cat. The small hill Hogwarts was perched on ran down into the glassy obsidian lake, tiny waves breaking over the surface as all manner of magical creatures currently residing in there came up for desperately needed air. The lake stretched out for miles and miles behind the castle, ending god knows where. The mountains lining the lake stood sentinel; a means of defence against any foreign attempted attack, and also to serve as a barrier between the Muggle world and ours.
There was still about a mile to go yet, and I could finally make out about ten other carriages that were late, like us, barely a hundred metres in front of us. I breathed a small sigh of relief – we weren't the only late ones.
A whisper of a breeze flew by me, icy and chilling from the lake. I didn't shiver; James' warmth balancing out the negative feedback in my body. I did, however, lean further into him, bringing my right arm down from his chest to his left thigh.
In doing so, I unwittingly brushed over the belt of his jeans, and the hardness beneath. A spark flew through my arm, and James involuntarily jerked backwards in his seat. I retracted my arm swiftly, shifting uncomfortably next to him.
Shit. Had I really just felt James Potter's boner, a result of my proximity to him? A feeling of nausea shot through me, but I was also kinda just surprised that I really had this kind of effect on him. He cleared his throat quietly, and took his arm off my shoulder and back into his own space (why did my unconscious mind secretly want that arm back?). I moved an inch away from him, unsure as to what to say. Maybe it was best to stay quiet. I looked over at him, more easily visible in the light radiating from Hogwarts. His chest was heaving – breathing hard, he was trying to control his raging hormones. I realised I was mirroring him, trying my best not to do what my estrogen was desperately telling me to. His eyes looked darker than ever, a manic glint in them. His hair was mussed up as a result of the wind, and he was trying to avoid looking at me. Well that was fine with me – I didn't want him to see me blushing and uncomfortable.
What was wrong with me? It wasn't like I'd never been in this position before. Hell, I'd even given a blow job to someone last year (I won't tell you who because I know we were both drunk and none of us even liked the other). But this was different. In the cool night air and magical atmosphere, this was way more intimate and real. James Potter was actually affected in this way by me, and I'd never thought of it like that. I always just thought I was some kinda play toy for him to feed his ego, but he actually wanted me. I'd seen him this close with other girls, but I don't think I've ever heard of him sleeping with anyone else.
Hell, was Potter still a virgin?
I internally laughed. No way! But then again, maybe that was a good thing...
Why?
why is that a good thing, Lily?
Because you want to be the first one he –
No I don't! I don't even like hi –
Actually, yes you do.
I don't. I replied firmly to the voice in my head. Six years of constantly rejecting and pushing him away, and now I was just gonna give in because he was getting aroused next to me?
My thoughts were immediately shut up when he turned round to look at me. We were almost at the castle. There was urgency in his eyes that I could see, but it was totally masked over with lust and angst. He was trying so hard not to show how much I had an effect on him, but was failing miserably. He was sucha gone case.
He opened his mouth to say something, a desperate look in his eyes. His breath was still coming fast, floating onto my face. I kept my eyes fixed on him, trying to deduce exactly what was going on inside his crazy head. His lips were parted and his cheeks were flustered.
You know how when you're not supposed to look at something, but you always end up looking anyway?
My eyes kept flicking down, trying to stay focused on his face, but I wasn't doing so well at that. I saw it again, a large mound, and my heart literally jumped into my throat as my stomach clenched wildly.
I looked back up at him, trying to control myself, but when my eyes inevitably stole a glance again, I realised my hard breathing was now matching his and both of us were flustered.
As the carriage stopped, he shut his mouth again, the words lost in the empty air. He decided not to say what he was going to, and instead rushed out of the carriage first past Remus and Sirius, who both looked between me and him confusedly.
"James!" the word burst out of my mouth as I watched his jet black hair receding towards the castle doors. The group of first years from the lake were anxiously crowding around McGonagall and shifted away hastily as he stormed past them.
Sirius turned to me.
"What the fuck was that about?"
I stared at him, at a loss for words. I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders and trying to avoid looking at Remus, who I'm sure would have worked something out by now.
"I- um, don't know," I managed. I too, stood up and quickly descended the carriage steps. I had to talk to him, now. How could he just walk off?
The large oak doors opened and closed behind James, and I ran towards them. The first years pointed as their new Head Girl ran past. I looked back and saw Sirius staring at me intently, trying to deduce what had just happened. Remus and Pettigrew were leading any reckless fourth years away from the forest and back towards the castle.
I turned back and ran full speed towards the doors, halting in front of them. The splintery, engraved dark wood gleamed proudly in the overhead floating lights. It was slightly ajar, and I pulled it open slightly, just enough for me to slip in.
The stone Entrance Hall was cold and hard, the tiny fires in the lamp holders hardly providing any comfort to me. Straight ahead of me, about twenty feet infront, were the wide open doors to the Great Hall, where numerous students were all chatting loudly and laughing and recounting stories of their holidays. The bright lamps and candles and even the ghosts bobbing up and down looked much more inviting than the bleak hall I was standing in at the moment, all alone. To the left, stairs led up to the west side of the castle. On my right, the Grand Staircase was nearly visible, just round the corner, leading to all the main dormitories and classrooms.
I saw a shock of black hair disappearing up the last step, behind the jutting out wall.
My heart thumped. I ran after him.
What exactly did I intend to say?
A/N
hope you likey! This was written totally off the top of my head and I'm SO SO sorry it took like 3 weeks! I've got exams now so chapter 3 might be up in about the same amount of time :(
reviews are a girl's best friend! (and I'll totally love you forever if you do) :)