A/N: ok…so, thanks for the review, especially Morgan D. who gave me a better idea of what I needed to explain. This chapter has more angst then anything, no real romance, but still, it explains the relationships a bit better. Also, it includes a most likely AU (alternate universe) retelling of the whole "Yue losing power" thing, and Sakura's take on it. Sorry about any wrong info, but I've still haven't seem all the eps.
Finding You
Sakura's day had gone well, music class being her main source of entertainment. The students were asked to try a new song with a confusing rhythm, and when they had divided into two groups to play different versions simultaneously, they ended up playing only one version, most unable to concentrate one the other one.
Over all, she was as happy as ever. The dull ach she had felt earlier that day had subsided into the back of her head as her mind forcefully pushed out all thoughts of Li's departure and Eriol's strange questioning in favor of studying and paying attention in math class, in which she was as completely dazed as ever.
But what had he wanted from her? Why had he mentioned Kero-chan and Yue-san at all? Eriol had always avoided the subject, almost forcing the conversation to other matters, why…?
Sakura pondered this over lunch, and almost forgot to block her mind from Eriol as he sat opposite to her and Tomoyo, smiling as ever, she could feel his nervousness in the air, and cocked an eyebrow, puzzled.
"Hello Tomoyo-chan, Sakura-chan, I hope I'm not disturbing?" he asked in his smooth cool voice, his eyes glittering with mirth, he had noticed Sakura's silent question.
"No! Not at all, we were just talking about music class, that was the funniest ever!" Tomoyo exclaimed, oblivious to the exchange between her friends.
"Ho…yeah, music class was fun, wasn't it, Eriol?" asked Sakura, trying to rip here eyes off of Eriol's dark amethyst gaze.
"Yes, I enjoyed it, but I certainly hope our skill will improve somewhat." He said casually, looking away.
The conversation continued as such, Tomoyo filling in the spaces with endless chatter while Sakura kept quiet, looking at her lunch with distaste.
"…Yes, that was funny, we should have picnics more often, Kero always likes them so much!" exclaimed Tomoyo, looking at Sakura for encouragement.
"Yes…he likes them, maybe we could have another one later, after the test season…" Sakura said, distracted by her thoughts.
"Sakura? Ok, I know I can't "read your mind" but I can still tell something's bothering you, care to explain?" asked Tomoyo, looking more perplexed then concerned.
"Oh…? I, was just…" trailed off, unable to fully lie to her friend, but as well not capable of telling her the truth of the problem, especially in front of Eriol.
"Thinking about Li are you? I knew you'd catch up to your feelings! Now I at least know you're all right!" Chirped Tomoyo happily, grinning at Sakura as she blabbered on about how she needed to have some fun and forget Li-kun…
Was that true?
Sakura was startled, almost frightened, the voice in her head repeated the question, finally getting a response from her.
Because of my "bold" questions? I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have asked, forget I mentioned it, they're not important.
No, I…I don't know…I thought I should really miss Li-kun,
but I don't, even the ache I used to feel when someone left is gone, almost…
There's nothing wrong with that, Tomoyo-chan isn't sad
either, event though she should be…I'm not sad, I think…
No! No, it's…I thought that after all those things I told
him, saying I loved him, I'd be with him forever, I cared, and now Li-kun's
gone to get married but I don't care, even though I said I did, I can't make
myself care.
Well…maybe you two weren't meant to be, it's nothing to
be upset about.
Yeah, I guess… Eriol-chan? Have you ever been "in love"?
No, that is something I'm not familiar with; at least I
doubt it is…I don't know…?
Oh, I…don't think I have either. I thought I loved
Yukito-chan, but I don't. I thought I loved Li-kun but I can't make myself care
for either of them in a way more the friendship.
It's nothing to worry about, love is a thing that is
granted to all, and should you choose to ignore it, there is always enough
friendship to mend your wounds when love didn't.
Yeah, but…I thought…I remember father and Touya, and so
many other people saying I was a loving child, but now I know I've failed them
all, I'm not a child anymore, and nor do I love anyone…I failed them, because I
seem like I'm a loving "innocent" child, but really it's all this big disguise
and I haven't been innocent for a while, I'm really the card mistress, I'm
holding so much "power" I have to use some of it just to hid from everyone's
suspicion.
There is nothing wrong with any of those things, "innocence"
is something you truly posses, even though your power gives you perfect control
and…enough of it to be able to control this entire plane! The power to make
your life whatever you wish it to be and change other lives as well, but the
fact that you haven't gone and used it to create happiness for yourself on
other people's expense makes you just as 'innocent' as ever, and you are and
always will be a childe to me, as well as to your father and brother, there is
nothing you can do about it, after all, you're still sixteen…it is a
childe-like age for those who would live for thousands of years.
I've failed them, I've lied to everyone for so long, no
one believes I'm really this powerful, and no one believes I can really do
these things, but I can.
That is necessary for their happiness and comfort,
everyone will not be pleased to know that their protection isn't needed, they
will not believe it even if you tried…
Yeah I guess.
***
Sakura felt better after her non-existent conversation with Eriol, and told Tomoyo so before class, the raven girl's response was…very Tomoyo, Sakura decided.
Her best friend had smiled, winked, and said Eriol-kun was always the best at keeping Sakura's mood up, which was true, Sakura silently agreed.
The best and simplest explanation was…Eriol was…Eriol; his personality was just too…kind, Sakura thought. He was always as polite as if he were speaking to a complete stranger, but still managed to make it look familiar and friendly, part of his personality, and something Sakura deeply admired about the boy…no, he was sixteen, a teenager.
Ever since he had come back and decided to stay in Japan for the next few years, Sakura had been as happy as possible. Of course she had not been his primary target, but since he so often visited Tomoyo-chan. Politely courting her without making it obvious, she had gotten to enjoy his company and the wordless understanding between them.
Of course, she had enjoyed her understanding of Li much better, Sakura reassured herself. They had been closer then friends, she thought.
No, they hadn't, they had been companions, guarding each other, helping, not the things she had assumed they had, and they never had love.
Did they?
Sakura doubted it, but still, the voice in her heart told her they could have had it, if she had worked harder, maybe spent less time practicing spells and more cuddling with Li-kun…no, that wouldn't have helped.
Meilin really hadn't been happy about this either, ever since she had gotten that boyfriend, thinking the marriage was off…and now they both suffered, or so Sakura thought.
Had they? Probably…Meilin had, she could tell from the way her voice had quivered slightly over the phone, and even though the distance was great, she had felt the unhappiness of the girl who once thought her a rival.
Six years ago.
But now, she had grown, and they were friends, no longer bickering about every little thing. Sakura treasured their friendship, as well as Meilin's fighting skills, which were very much better then her own.
Had been.
She had been a clumsy girl, good at sports, but still clumsy, not being able to hold a sword half as well as Li-kun, not knowing the defensive stances like Meilin, but she had had the magic. And after the transformation of the cards was complete. She had found how great it really was, not being reliant on the Clow cards, sometimes completely wild and unpredictable, sometimes subtle and undetected, even by Eriol of Kero, both of whom knew her so well…
It was gift, and a nightmare swallowing her in her sleep. With this power came the pain, then pain of knowing what had been done for her, what had been made, sacrificed, remade, the pain that was always around her, always there, Clow's pain, the pain she knew he had, and Sakura felt it's toll with every breath she took.
Clow's pain at having to leave so early, while his work was incomplete, his pain at leaving behind Kero, his "best friend" and Yue, his…Sakura couldn't think of it for too long, it hurt way too much, like all of Clow's and Yue's pain and sadness was suddenly upon her shoulders, pushing her deeper into the darkness of death. She really felt it, like all their self-directed anger was passed though her, Yue's for not having his master stay longer and Clow's for hurting his lover so much.
Those two were impossible, both almost saddened to death, although one was already too far-gone for that. But Yue was still alive, although Sakura knew that his reasons for this were decreasing.
With this power came the feelings of others, she was effected by everyone's emotions, because of her childlike mind-or so Eriol had said- she was unable to force her power to subside, and there for felt much more then was needed or was wise, she had felt Tomoyo's happiness, and Li's affection, her brother's concern and Kero-chan's curiosity, but with this came the great pain: Yue's sorrow, Kero's loss -buried almost out of reach, even for her- Eriol's deep, deep regret for all the things he hadn't done, the things that were expected of him as Clow's reincarnation…but were still a little out of his reach.
She felt Li's mixed emotions, and self directed confusion and disgust with his feelings, even though they were so like her own.
And…of course, she had felt Touya's pain as he watched Yue/Yukito crumple to the ground, so very…very long ago. But she still felt it.
She had felt her own magnified worry, pain, anger, sickness from watching her friend and guardian slowly lose consciousness and crumple to the cold ground, his body almost lifeless, all because of her, and her alone.
She had felt her love for Yukito then, a love like the feeling she had for her father. She felt it dissolve beneath all the pain that seemed to pour from everywhere, surrounding her with that darkness she hated.
No, Sakura hated herself.
The next night, she had had those nightmares for the first time. Around her, in a tight circle, stood the figures of all she held dear, one after another they stepped forth, some screaming and others crying quietly, but they all gave the same idea, she had failed.
She then watched as one by one they were killed, and she was left alone. Until Clow Reed himself came forth and told her that one would not leave. "Search for him." He had said.
Sakura never found her last friend, whoever it might have been, he was simply not there, and she woke up too early to even think of that option.
***