She turns the page and immediately releases a long sigh. The last one again already. Regina stares at the table to her right and lets her eyes trace the huge mess she's made these past few days. Thank god, Belle had been very kind and understanding, helping her retrieve every single piece of information on that damned dagger.
The former Queen had practically turned her vault inside out in search of ... something... anything really, spells, recipes for potions but so far the search had been fruitless and fucking frustrating. Robin had called . Every three hours... he'd called. The first couple of conversations had lasted for several minutes and had consisted of Regina trying to explain what she was trying to accomplish, things she was looking for and not finding but continualy hoping to find in this next book she's about to tackle. These were usually followed by Robin's humming, silences, soft encouragements to come home and get some rest, take a break. There was also an annoyingly large number of 'let me take care of you's and 'Hook is out looking for her, she's not your responsibility's.
It was certainly enough to make Regina reconsider answering the calls at all, but each time she did and each time she was the one that ended it with a "I'll let you know once I've found something." After a while the conversations had grown shorter and further apart. It's not that she wasn't appreciative of what he was doing, it's that she didn't appreciate what he wasn't doing: Helping her. Not that it was anything new...
When has she ever had any help? Not including Emma... Emma. And suddenly her mind is back on track. She's long stopped counting on aid from these useless spell books. The first few had been mildly if at all helpful, but it hadn't been long before the pages became numerous and it had become so painfully clear that this curse wasn't one so easily broken. Breaking the darkness. It just sounds so condraticting, doesn't it? Those touched by the darkness more often than not were or had been broken already anyway.
Mending the darkness? That's looking at it a whole different way, from an entirely different perspective. Don't fear her. No. Don't pity her either. Hell no! A light Emma Swan would most certainly not appreciate that, let alone a very, very dark one...The Dark One. But there's one thing - and to be quite honest, Regina's not sure at all how she feels about this- that almost comes naturally at the moment. Relate. Would Emma be okay with that? The Dark One and the former Evil Queen sharing the darkness?
Regina's eyes are closed as she bites her tongue to the point where she's fairly certain the tender flesh is breaking and then she stops, only to bite down on a different spot. It takes most, if not all, of the woman's willpower to not give in to what feels like some kind of natural instinct. One by one Regina cracks every knuckle on both of her hands. It's loud, uncharacteristic and not even remotely helpful because when her mouths falls open she speaks.
"Do you even realize how long it's been since I've last seen my bed?" The ridiculousness of speaking out loud into the solitude of her vault and the vulnerable crack in her own voice makes her flinch momentarily. She swallows nervously. And why? It's not like there's anyone here to judge her, is there? Well... except for herself. And perhaps,just maybe... "Emma, I" She pauses. "What?" She shrugs, shakes her head and breathes out the question. To herself. What could she possibly have to say to Emma right now? It's not like they're friends and it's not like she wishes they were either. Hell, she doesn't even care, does she? No, Regina just really really wants to get this over and done with. This whole Dark One thing has gone on long enough and it's time for life to go back to normal.
Let the fairytale characters have their happily ever afters. So normal. "And let me go back to being annoyed by your every move instead of this... Instead of experiencing this dreadful feeling of" Regina halts herself from saying something stupid and can't help but groan instead. At first she'd convinced herself that this sense of responsibility was originated solely out of the fact that Emma had sacrificed herself for her. Of course that's not entirely true since the blonde had merely done what she thought was the right thing, the heroic thing. Regina scoffs.
Then,of course, Henry had stared at her with those big gooey eyes of his... So helpless and pleading, leaving her with no choice but to do anything and everything to save his birth mother. Up until this point her lack of sleep and the huge effort she's put into Operation something-something (Henry's still working on the perfect code name) is totally justified and not at all suspicious. Had it not been for that stupid nagging feeling she's been trying to shake off so very desperately. It hadn't even been that long after Emma had made that dreadful decision to offer herself up to the darkness that Regina had felt the beginning of a very unsettling sensation. The promoted shepherd and his lesser half had kindly offered to take care of Henry while Regina 'did her thing' (David had even made some ridiculous hand gestures as if it had resembled anything to do with magic-it was offensive really) But strangely enough, Regina had agreed.
Well, if she's being completely hones, she'd rather not have Henry there while she's delving so deep into this dark and unsettling type of sorcery. Still, there was no need for the pathetic display of charades on Charming's part. She'd made her opinion on the matter clear of course. He's not likely to do it again anytime soon. After the verbal lashing he'd received on the gravity of the type of magic they were dealing with and on how absolutely moronic he was, he'd kept his hands tucked away in the pockets of his overly tight pants. An unfortunate family trait. Though over time, she'd come to appreciate it on Emma. Regina swallows hard and chooses to just ignore that thought for now, forever if at all possible.
It's scary enough to feel how her drive to help the blonde has shifted in a very peculiar way. As much as she keeps telling herself: This is for Henry. This is for Henry. This is for our son. The moment she reminds herself of the bond she shares with Henry's other mother, it's nearly impossible to ignore. This is for me- A tiny tiny voice whispers to her. Regina clears her throat and brushes a nervous hand through thick, dark tresses. Let's just not go there. This is for Emma. That- she silently decides- is something she can live with.
"Goddammit, where are you, Swan?" She groans. "It's not supposed to be like this" This time Regina doesn't even realize she's started talking again. Somehow, her eyes find their way to the dagger. She stares at it. Hard. She looks at Emma Swan's name engraved in that ancient font. Who still uses that, anyway? The brunette rolls her eyes at how terribly dramatic the calligraphy makes the name look. "I used to be so proud of my actions... as... as the evil Queen... I used to smirk, laugh and enjoyed every second of it when I felt my heart blacken with hate. I used to look at people and hate their families and the houses they'd built for themselves. The lives they'd built for themselves..."
Her gaze softens minutely, but remains just as intense if not more-so. Though not necessarily at the piece of metal but more... more like... through it. Lost in a haze of thoughts, trying to sort through the puzzle forming. "How dare they build lives of their own? A privilege I, as a Queen, had never been granted. And Emma, I really thought I was so mighty to take it from them. I really thought... The power I felt holding a man's heart in the palm of my hand... It was... when you do such a thing... not only do you hold someone's entire life, past and future... You hold their love." It's silent for an undesirable amount of minutes. Hours perhaps because not only are these thoughts formed in the moment,the realizations are hitting hard as well. "You hold your own ability to love..." Her voice has turned into a shaky whisper bouncing against the stone walls of her lonely vault of 'uselessness to make things right'. "And then you crush it." She gasps, because that's exactly what it is.
Once upon a time, there was an Evil Queen in an Enchanted Forrest on a very lonely throne around which she build a wall made from the ashes of the hearts of those who were unafraid to use it for its purpose. "Emma you can't..." She chokes on her words "fall for it. The darkness is greedy... It wants all of you... every single part and I can't stand to" Hard puffs of air leave her lungs. Loud and threatening to turn into sobs. No way... She is not going to start crying. "have Henry loose you." She decides on voicing. Not that it matters what she says or doesn't say... Nobody's listening anyway. Except for her own conscious that's painfully cringing at the half lie. She ignores it, but for a moment, just a moment, the long buried pain bursts through the wall she built. Her hand wraps around the handle of the dagger, grippng tightly before hurling it against the cold stone wall with an inhuman scream.
Of course. The truth is so humiliating she can't even stand to witness it unfold herself. How has it come to this point? Why should she even care? Regina Mills doesn't care for anyone but Henry... Not even for herself, not really. And still, why should she care for the child of her arch nemesis,of all people in all of the realms? Because Henry cares? Well... Henry cares for the Ninja Turtles too. It's all so very confusing. Things had finally been a little bit easy, for once. For both Emma and her. They'd even started to build lives of their own, something the Evil Queen had never imagined herself possible of. Regina's not sure if it had felt exactly as it was supposed to. But then again... After all she's been through she's probably not capable of feeling the entire package of feelings anymore, is she?
The situation she'd found herself in with Robin, well, it is her True Love... She can't possibly have it better than that. And it's okay. She's even kind of come to terms with the whole Zelena thing. Not that she really ever thinks of that. That's just asking for a disaster to take place. Why ruin a perfectly okay arrangement? And Emma... She'd been doing great. It finally looked like she was able to open up to someone. Even if just to a guy with a hook for a hand and a libido for a heart. It was something... and it had seemed enough for Emma. Who was she to step in and tell the girl she could do better, much better? Why ruin a perfectly okay arrangement? There was that question again.
Somehow during the last couple of thoughts she'd gravitated towards Emma's dagger and rises from her seat slowly. Her footsteps muted in the otherwise vacant room until she stands before the seemingly harmless blade, hips bending as she reaches for it. Perfectly manicured fingers wrap around the handle slowly, teantively before lifting it to cradle against her chest as if in apology for her actions. She leans heavily against the cold wall before heavily sinking down into a sitting position. Legs outstretched, Regina places the powerful item in her lap and narrows her eyes as if she's seeing something entirely different.
"I used to hate it when I saw you. It made my blood boil, made my stomach churn." She smiles wryly at those memories. That was a whole different life. Two entirely different people. A different time.
Her eyes close of their own accord and she wills her tears to stay locked away. Because she can't let herself... not in front of her... but she's not really here, is she? She's alone.
"And then... You became bearable" her voice cracks but the teasing mock isn't lost in the silence surrounding her. It's so familiar, it almost sounds cozy, welcoming. "Emma Swan, why?" She whispers while looking down at the reflection of her own red-rimmed chocolate eyes, staring back at herself from the surface of the cursed blade in her hands.
Now she's sure she's going mental because... well... what sane person, villain or hero, talks to a knife?