A/N: Hey guys, thanks for those who have read this story I appreciate it. I know that the last chapter might've been a bit short especially since there wasn't much funny stuff going on but it was just to give you the feel of this story. It is a roast, so there will a pretty good amount of equal bashing going around and it shouldn't be taken seriously as it is for humor. Although, I do have to say that some characters set themselves up for it more than others so that just makes them better targets. To my reviewers a special thank you goes out to you! XxMeli J NightlyXX, Pryo-Neko-Isis, and Kat Cora thank you! Pryo, thanks for giving this story a chance, I appreciate it. Well, here's the next installment of my Roas of Gundam Wing! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, it's characters, or anything else said here that is obviously owned by somebody else. I do own Atreyu and his personality as he is my creation and that is the only thing that I own. Remember guys, this is a roast, and is meant for bashing all around and there will be some people who get it more than others because of how they were portrayed in the anime. Oh, and this fiction is rated M for language and sexually oriented jokes, and for some remarks that are not meant to offend and are only here for humor and do not reflect my personal feelings towards people. This is once againe only for humor people, so I apologize in advance for anyone who I may offend.
CA Presents: The Roast of Gundam Wing (chapter 2)
"Alright now, we're going to have everyone get their shot at the mic," and before Atreyu could look back at the pilots to determine who he'd call on first, he felt someone tapping his shoulder.
It was Duo, who immediately took over the mic and Atreyu made his way to his seat away from the pilots; he knew he'd better stay his distance because he'd be a target of theirs for a good while.
"Okay, so, I'm sure this one has been on everyone's mind. Why do people put Heero and I as a couple?! Seriously, that's FUCKED up. I mean, look at him, who'd want to do a "perfect soldier"? No one said, "God, Rambo, that psycho, trigger happy, hug deprived, insane bastard fuck me!" And God knows, the terminator didn't get anyone wet, so, Relena, why Heero?" asked Duo with a shit eating grin on his face.
The audience laughed, Heero blushed a little, Relena was scarlet, and Dorothy had an amused look on her face.
"Seriously, what would you get out of it? You're better off with a pocket rocket and CSPAN. I mean, you'd sure as hell wouldn't even get kids. Look at the spandex shorts!"
The crowd erupted in laughter at Duo's remarks. Even Atreyu was cracking up as he stood up to the pilot's relief and dismissed Duo back to his seat.
"I know, but you'll get another chance," said Atreyu as he took the microphone again as he saw the disappointed look on Duo's face, but before he could say anything, Relena was by his side.
"Excuse me, but I'm appalled by such remarks," she said loud enough to be picked up by the microphone.
"Uh, Relena, this is a roast. What did you think was going to take place? Some sort of cookout where you could try and seduce Heero politically?"
The crowd laughed as they could hear Atreyu. Relena flushed with embarrassment was speechless.
"Relena, why don't you go ahead and take your shot," said Atreyu as he motioned for her to take the mic with a smile.
"Shoot me Heero!" yelled Duo before Relena could speak into the mic.
"Shut up Duo! You're the one that wants him," she said defensively as the crowd went "ooh…"
Duo rolled his eyes.
"If I wanted to get fucked with a dick, I'd go fuck Une over there."
Trowa cracked a smile and Heero's lips twitched and Wu Fei kept his lips firm in a line but was biting his tongue to keep himself from laughing.
The monitor camera focused on Une to catch her putting on her glasses and stood up and said, " Maxwell, you're ass is mine after this thing is over!" while pointed at Duo.
"See! I rest my case," said Duo as the crowd erupted in laughter as they saw Une turn red realizing the implications of what she said. Noin could be seen trying to calm down Une as Zechs did his best to maintain his composure.
Relena couldn't help but laugh a little at the expense of Une by just one smart remark made at Duo but then again it was Duo, and no one could really predict what he'd say or do next.
Atreyu went up to relieve Relena, given he felt that she didn't have much more to say. She gave him a look of thanks and made her way back to her seat.
After Relena sat, Dorothy got the courage to try to roast the pilots, because if the up tight, blissfully unaware, horned up, lunatic Relena could do it, she could.
Seeing her getting up Atreyu announced, "And now the only woman I know of who has enough money to have a gold limo, be a part of a family business with war, go to a school based on the ideas of pacifism but has yet to go get her brows waxed! Seriously, I'm sure Wu Fei has a cousin that would only take five minate or less to fix those—!"
Atreyu stopped speaking and opened and shut his mouth in an attempt to say something and soon his face flushed red.
"Just as I thought, no balls," said Dorothy as she removed her hands from Atreyu's crotch and shoved him away from the mic.
The crowd laughed at Dorothy's antics and was surprised that she did that and that Atreyu just walked away without any defensive words.
"On that note of ball-less men, I want to know why Chang's ass never got to doing Po or did you want another 'sword' fight with Treize again?"
The crowd laughed and "ooh"-ed as Wu Fei clenched his fists.
"He's probably the only pilot that I can't make sense of. Heero's the way he is because he's probably a bit smaller than average down there, Trowa's a bit bigger than Heero, except he needs a good cry, and Quatre's the one packing the heat. That's why guys think he's gay because they're jealous that a pretty boy hangs lower than they do. Then there's Duo, I'd say he is the smallest of the group because of how loud he is and all the attention he wants and gets, but then there's Chang who's Chinese. I guess he takes that title by default."
All the pilots and Relena turned scarlet at what Dorothy said and the audience cried with laughter as Dorothy stood there with a smug look on her face. Wu Fei moved her away from the microphone, "Move woman."
Dorothy huffed and said loud enough for the mic to pick up, "Bye tiny."
"The reason why Po and I never did anything was because God if I know, she'd have a dick too. Oh, and Dorothy, the reason why some believe that Quatre is gay is because if he's not getting it from Trowa, he's getting it from you and I'm sure either way he's getting a dick up his ass. You've probably got us all beat, including Une and Po in dick size."
Wu Fei walked away from the mic, somewhat satisfied with his remarks, and to his seat as the crowd had yet to stop laughing. Quatre was glowing red with embarrassment and the pilots looked a little uncomfortable, especially Duo. He looked like he had something to say but Atreyu gave him a signal to stay put.
Atreyu, now having caught his breath from Dorothy's iron grip and the comments made while he was out for the count.
"I have to agree with Dorothy guys 'cause if Quatre's not fucking/getting fucked by Dorothy, he gets paired with Relena. And I'm like, 'What the fuck, Relena's a terrible cover up!' You hear that Heero, a terrible cover up!"
Everyone on and off stage had a good laugh.
"I mean, she just has no sex appeal, and no boobs! And when she did get them, we all know it was a gift from Noin in hopes they would help her stop being so childish and suicidal, and what does she do? She wears a pantsuit! Ugh, talk about having as much sex appeal as Hilary Clinton. Heero, seriously, consider a three-some with Quatre and Dorothy. You'd get more action, more gratifying, action man. I'm sure those rocks of yours need to get off!"
Heero, Quatre, and Relena went scarlet. Quatre was even starting to get a nosebleed from all the sexual remarks and suggestions about him.
Dorothy had a look of interest about her and looked at Heero while making the "call me" motion with her hands.