My foot dangled gently over the edge, the open air caressing it. The soft wind pushed my clothes against me, rustling through my hair as my I stood on one leg, precariously balancing on the gothic piling of the heavy wrought bridge. I was going to do it. One more step and I would be hurtling to the water, the affable, clear water. And then a bird flew by. A large bird with heavy wings and a defined beak, and... and... I had seen that bird before. Memories hit me like a freight train and I fell back to the sidewalk on the inside of the bridge. I pulled my knees to my chest and rocked silently back and forth as quiet tears streamed down my face and I remembered. I remembered.
I could feel the air being sucked out from my body, the atmosphere becoming more and more tight. I struggled out from under the blanket covers, racing to the window. I pounded against the freezing cold glass until my fingers scraped on the window latches. With one swift movement I flicked them to the side and opened the window with all the strength left in my body. I immediately took in a huge breath of cold air. That was some dream alright.
Curly and I shared a bedroom, he was in the bed at the other side of the room. I tried to be quiet because if you know Curly Shepard, you know how much he needs his sleep. I leaned my forearms against the window ledge and sighed. The sky was so dark, it was as if someone had thrown a moth-eaten blanket over the earth, the stars were the little holes that had been eaten away by the insects. I wondered where on earth that kid, Frankie was. I hoped he was alright but deep down even I doubted it. Hope is a strange thing, almost like a currency for people who know they're losing. I'm trying so hard not to lose hope in things but sometimes for some people, things don't work out as they may have hoped.
The average winter here in Tulsa was the type of winter that everyone contradicted with a love hate relationship. It was the type to force you to breathe into your hands, making them clammy and cold, only to repeat the process a few minutes passing because cold had taken over again. You love the way it looked with the snow on the ground and the smell of Jack Frosts delicate touch and it makes you want to lock the senses in a jar. Then again, as your face numbs, your hands cringe and a shudder of chills is sent down your spine, all you long for are warm covers or the sensation of a long gone summer sun.
Curly sat up in bed and looked at me with his eyes squinted, I turned away from the window and made eye contact with him. He narrowed his eyes at me and flopped back down into bed.
"What the fuck are you doin' staring out the window at four in the morning?" He asked, clearly agitated. I rolled my eyes and looked back out to the window.
"Bad dream." I replied, not looking back to him. I could feel him staring at me, it was rather unsettling if I'm honest. He moved into another position and I turned to look at him. The moonlight was lighting up the room just enough so him and I could see each other.
"What about, kiddo?" How would I even begin to explain that I just had a nightmare about me trying to fucking kill myself? How the Hell do you even explain that?
"I don't remember much." I lied, I remember it all. The standing on the edge gave me some sort of fucked up adrenaline rush, not that I would ever y'know; top myself. I'm not that selfish, you see. If I had no one left then that would be a different story entirely.
"Bullshit. What was it about?" He pressed further, he really was the mother hen of the family. He always worried about everything even though he was seen as a tough Greaser to the rest of society. I think he cares about me more than anyone else in this entire world, yeah that's a nice thing.
I figured I should probably tell him, it's not like I was gonna do it or anything like that. I closed the window and walked over to my bed which was along side his with only a foot length space separating the two beds, I sat down and sighed. "I dreamt that I was gonna jump off a bridge. You know, kill myself…" I shrugged and lit a cigarette. The clock read just past four in the morning, I was so tired. Curly held his hand out for a cigarette and I handed him one, his lips curved upwards into a slight smile. Not a grin or a smirk, a real smile like he used to do when we were kids. I haven't seen him smile like that for the best part of five years.
He exhaled a puff of smoke and chuckled, "Pretty fucked up, man." He reached down for the glass of water that I left on the floor last night and took a generous swig of it. Curly finished his cigarette and lay back down in bed, I did the same.
"Hey Curly?" I asked.
"Yeah, kid."
"Have you ever thought about it?"
"Thought about what?" He shifted slightly.
"You know, killing yourself." I flipped onto my back and sighed heavily.
"Have you?" He asked.
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't know."
Curly got up from his bed and walked the small distance over to mine, where he pushed my legs out of the way and sat upright on the end of my bed. I sat up and he lit up yet another cigarette, he smokes like a chimney.
"Now you listen to me, Nate." – "If I ever, ever find out that you've even thought about topping yourself, I'll kill you myself. Are we clear?" His voice had a dangerous tone to it which left no room for an argument. I don't doubt for a second that he would in fact slaughter me. I nodded.
"So tell me now you've woken me up at this fucking hour, what's going through that weird head of yours?" I knew he wanted to get some sort of information out of me, and that he would.
"I don't know, I kinda feel bad for that Frankie kid."- "I wish I could have at least said goodbye, you know? I didn't even know there was a goodbye that needed to be said." I trailed, Curly nodded indirectly urging me to continue.
"I mean, some days I feel everything at once and others I feel nothing at all. It's kinda weird." I continued.
"I get it too. Wanna know what I think?" I nodded eagerly.
"You." He said, "are a terribly real person in a terribly fake world, and that, I think, is why you are in so much pain all the time." He concluded. That was fucking smart. I looked at him surprisingly and he rolled his eyes.
"Don't look at me like that you dick, I'm real smart y'know." He winked and I laughed.
"We've got a lot in common, Curly." I smiled.
"What, depression and self loathing? You've got that right, kiddo." He laughed and stood up but not before turning to me with a serious look on his face.
"Don't kill yourself, okay?" He pleaded, his voice kinda cracked.
"I won't, I won't.
xxx
"Hey Grease, what the fuck is wrong with your hair?"
"Mine? I did it for a bet, what's your excuse?" I shouted back to the tall Soc who was walking towards me with his little crew.
"Cheeky little shit." He shook his head and chuckled. –"The barbers shop is that way, pal."
"Oh fuck off, at least I don't look like I've just came back from a fuckin' funeral." I taunted.
"Is that coming from the poster child for abortions?" He laughed, causing an eruption of laughter.
"Jesus, who pissed in your cheerio's?" – "I've been called worse by better, mate."
Suddenly he came barreling into me and it was a blur from there on.
I raise my right fist, readying myself for a punch. As I wind back my arm, I let the stinging pain from the cut above my eye and the blood in my mouth transform into anger. The anger that courses through me infuses my arm with strength. I shove my arm forward into his jaw. I hear a crack and he collapses as I feel my knuckles whine in protest from the impact. My heart is beating hard in my chest as I look down at him. Blood spills from his mouth but he spits it out and starts to stand up. Then I see pure fury, hatred, and pain in his eyes. The right one is already somewhat closed because of my first hit. I see him wind his arm back for a hit through the red haze that is my eyesight. Before he lands his fist upon my face, I raise my left leg and kick him in the crotch. It was a low hit, but it takes him to his knees. I then shove my elbow down on the base of his neck and he collapses.
A hard hit to the back of the head is what causes me to fade into complete darkness.