A/N: Angel belongs to Joss. I respect that. Also, the words to this song belong to Lifehouse. I don't own them.
Part 2:
Broken
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
Buffy was beautiful. She was real. She was true. She knew her destiny, her fate. I knew mine. Maybe that was what we had in common. Maybe that's how we came to be. She was a strong girl and I think I needed someone to rely on. I was miserable all the time. I would sit in darkness for hours just reflecting on what I had done and how this curse was painful and that sometimes I just wanted it to be gone so Angelus the Terrible would come back just so I could be lost in that body without even a drop of reason in my mind. But I knew that if I did, I knew I would owe the world more than what I already did and once I was cursed back--if that was even possible--I would struggle to pull myself to my feet once more. I couldn't go through with that again. So once I met her, I fell into her arms like a little puppy dog wanting love and trying my hardest to protect someone who was really protecting me. All I could do was bark. She knew that, too. She knew that I was flawed to the bone. She could sense that I needed someone to fall back on, even if that made me sound pitiful. I was half a man and she was okay with that. She was okay with me the way that I was even if I was a little puppy who just needed petting and some food. She understood and she loved me for that. Although I tried to never openly share, she could see right through my guise.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
There were times when I was too ashamed to even face her because she was everything right and I was a pathetic man sulking away in my own little world where darkness covers me. When I saw her and she smiled, it was like that darkness lifted and I could step into the sunlight. Metaphorically, of course. I could only wish to do something like that. And with her. I wanted to see her soft, light hair shine in the brisk light of day without me catching on fire. I still laugh every time I picture that. It's more dark comedy, but nowadays that's all the laughs I have. My heart was broken in a thousand pieces even if it didn't beat. I could still feel almost a stabbing pain in my chest cavity as if every time it didn't beat I was slowly deteriorating and rotting away into the ground. When seeing her, though, she had band aids. She would stick them on the pieces and they would miraculously heal just like that. At least, that's what happened for awhile until she left me. Maybe all of this sounds cheesy and badly written, but I won't lie. I won't lie and tell you that that wasn't the truth. I won't lie and say that I'm kidding and that I'm not that pathetic. But I am. I'm ashamed about it. Who wouldn't be? Especially a man, but I have mentioned I am half a man. Perhaps only a shell of the man I once was. And empty, worthless shell. She took all of those negative, self-loathing thoughts away and brought only light. I felt my heart lighten and I was smiling! Before I knew it, I was smiling and laughing with her and her friends who seemed to trust me so well. I held onto her tightly, like a security blanket, and it worked. I loved her for it. And soon, I didn't just love her because she bandaged my broken spirit, I loved her because she was warm, and beautiful, and funny, and smart... and tough. I loved her so much I thought my heart would explode and this time from happiness.
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
Oh Buffy knew what I kept locked away in the corners of my mind. She knew that there were things that if I was to mutter, I would kill myself or at least torture myself with. But her eyes always screamed "Tell me, tell me, let me take those burdens off of you so you can rest easily at night". I had thought I was guarded. I had thought that I was so locked up that not even Buffy Summers could dissect my thoughts and feelings one by one by one. She didn't even have to ask because she already knew. We had this unbroken connection where together we knew what the other was thinking. Soul mates. Maybe, but I won't go there. She would eventually die and I would still be here roaming the Earth making people sad for me. Even then I wanted her to be happy. Without me. Every time I would close my eyes, though, after those thoughts I would see her crying and it just made me stay even more. I couldn't leave her.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
But I left. Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps not. Only time will tell. Until then, there are people to save. We might not be able to do it together anymore closely, but I know at a distance, we are.