Chapter 2
When Lexa was a little girl, she had always been bullied for most of her school days. They would tease her about her braid, tell her how out of fashion her clothes were, how dirty they were. Lexa would come home crying all the time to her mother who told her the same thing over and over again.
That her family was poor, her clothes were hand me-downs from her older sister, Indra, and that they couldn't afford anything else at that time.
They told her she had to be strong at school, because they couldn't be there with her. Her parents were immigrants from Ukraine. They braided her hair as it was part of their culture. As much as she wanted her parents to take it up with the school board, at the time, her parents feared western authority. They weren't sure if the schools were as equally strict as the schools in Ukraine, and feared it would make things worse for Lexa.
Lexa first thought she would be doomed to spend the rest of her days bullied. Until she met Clarke that is.
Clarke was not in Lexa's class when they first met. She was in a different one. But Clarke had overheard one of Lexa's torture sessions and immediately put a stop to it.
Lexa remembers that day as clear as yesterday. Clarke had wiped away her tears, held her hand, and told Lexa to be strong. Just like her family had told her. Clarke smiled at Lexa and added that she knew Lexa would be strong, she could see it inside of her.
Lexa remembers furiously blushing and mumbling how no, she was not strong, and wondered how Clarke could see it inside her when she couldn't.
No, Clarke was the strong one. She had the courage to stand up to the bullies, and the kindness to become Lexa's friend.
So kind, that they became best friends. Luckily for them, they ended up in the same class each year after up until the 6th grade. At the tender age of 11, Lexa's best friend was going to be moving away to Seattle and did not plan on returning.
Lexa remembers returning home on the day of the news and crying.
She wanted to support her friend, but Seattle was so far away. On Clarke's last night in Washington DC, Lexa had snuck out of her house and ran to Clarkes to say her final goodbyes. After waking Clarke, and sneaking into her bedroom window, she remembers Clarke laying her head on Lexa's shoulder. In that quiet and serene moment, they pinky promised that they would write each other letters, and stay best friends forever.
When middle school started, Lexa had decided to let her hair down, away from her traditionally braided hair. It was a new school, and here, Clarke was not around to protect her. Lexa did not want to have to go through her same elementary school experience. She had slightly nicer clothes this time around as her sister Indra had kindly treated her out for back to school shopping.
Indra being 6 years older than Lexa, had just graduated high school and had a full-time job working in retail. She would then be off to college, Harvard, to study law. Something Lexa admired Indra for.
Despite going to middle school with most of the same kids from elementary, letting her hair down was the best decision she ever made. And also the hottest decision. The attention she received from both guys and girls was astounding, and something she never noticed before. The guys, no longer teasing her for her looks, actually rather liked Lexa for her looks. The girls wanted to be her friend. Lexa, not wanting to let this opportunity go to waste, basked in the attention.
She had spent so much time exclusively with Clarke, there was so many people she never even noticed before. One girl particularly, Echo, just showered Lexa with non-stop compliments. Lincoln, a very good looking transfer student, vied constantly for Lexa's attention and always sent flirtatious looks and compliments her way.
She remembers excitedly writing to Clarke that day, describing everything she possibly could. Who she met, what she learned, what she thought of people, but more importantly how Clarke was at her new school. She still missed Clarke dearly though. She missed Clarke's jokes, and smiles. She wished Clarke would be with her now, at her new school, also basking in the attention of her new peers.
They sent letters back in forth throughout the school year. Lexa had a great time feeling like she finally fit in for once, instead of being left out.
On Valentines day, everything changed.
Lexa was again, basking in the attention she was receiving. She was gradually getting used to it.
She smiled warmly at people, cracked a joke here and then, and most of all, took great care in her looks. She realized very early that people valued her beauty more than her personality. So much, that Lincoln even wanted to ask her something on this very Valentines evening. Lexa had a hunch she knew what it was, she wasn't stupid, but let Lincoln bask in his pride a little longer of it being a surprise.
She came home from school that afternoon, with her backpack full of V-Day cards when her mother announced she would going out for grocery's. Lexa, oblivious to her surroundings, had simply told her mother "OK" and went upstairs to her room to phone Echo about what would happen with Lincoln later that night.
When she went out that evening with Lincoln, she knew she was going to be right. She faked her surprise when Lincoln asked Lexa to be his girlfriend, and she couldn't just say no to him. She was simply expected to answer "yes" to the hottest guy in school.
She was the hottest girl in school, and he was the hottest guy. This was expected. So of course she said yes. She always wanted to try dating anyways, and this was a good opportunity to try it.
Lexa knew she didn't feel anything for him though. Not in a romantic way at least. She recognized he was certainly good looking, but did not feel the need the other girls did when they talked about him. He felt more like a friend than anything else.
But nonetheless, she accepted Lincoln's proposal.
When she returned home that evening home. Her father looked distressed. When she inquired why, he wouldn't tell her, just to simply go upstairs and sleep, and not to worry about it.
Lexa woke up the next morning to her father shouting on the phone, something about him not wanting to wait 48 hours to report something. She wasn't sure what, but he seemed worried, distressed, and angry. She laid awake for a few minutes, waiting for the phone call to end. She knew her father would have to go to work soon, so she waited for him to leave to go to school.
But her father didn't leave on time. In fact he didn't seem to be leaving at all. Lexa quietly snuck out of her room and quietly opened Indra's, who seemed to also be awaking lying in bed.
"Indra, what's going on? Where's Mom? What's Dad screaming about?" Indra looked at her with sadness in her eyes.
"Don't worry about it Lexa, just go to school."
She hoped when she went downstairs to greet her father she would receive some kind of explanation before she went to school. But when she did, he had red eyes, his hair was a mess, he smelled like sweat. It was evident he had not slept all night. He simply looked at her sadly and walked away from her, up into his own room.
How could Lexa not worry the rest of the day? She could barely focus on school. When the day was finally over, she did not say goodbye to her friends, or to her newly minted boyfriend, Lincoln. She simply sprinted home looking for an explanation.
When she saw her house within her view, she noticed a police car out in front of her house, which only made her worry more. She sprinted faster towards the door. When she entered, she found two policemen sitting with her father and her sister.
The policemen sadly nodded towards her father and gave Lexa a sad look while passing her out the door. Lexa looked towards her father for an explanation. That was the day she was told her mother would not be returning, and that she had took all her things and left. There was no note as to why, only that she had decided to abandon their family.
Lexa cried harder than ever in her room that night. It seemed to be a ritual for her to cry in her room. It was her comfort zone. Indra had come in once to try and comfort her, but seemed just as sad, angry, and confused as Lexa. What made her mother want to leave their family? Lexa immediately started to regret all the times she made her mother scold her. If Lexa had been a better child, would her mother had stayed?
Lexa wanted to confide in someone. But she didn't want to tell her friends. She feared it would spoil her popularity. That she would seem weak and vulnerable. Her friends would simply not understand and would think of her as a lesser human being. She was already considered the leader of the group (by default, not by choice).
She had once almost confided in Echo that despite Lincolns' constant flirtatious approach to Lexa, she did not feel anything for him. Echo almost quite literally lost her shit. Lexa passed it off as a joke as she obviously, liked Lincoln's attention, I mean who wouldn't?!
Lincoln was sweet, but was as dim as a light bulb, and his raging hormones sent him into instant sex talks, flirtatious gestures, winks, and really anything to attract any female attention. Neither would understand her situation, and not to mention the other "minions", who only admired Lexa purely for her outer appearance, would not understand either.
The first person she thought of who she could talk to was Clarke. But Clarke was far away in Seattle, and their letters had become less and less frequent to each other. Through Lexa's tears, she picked up the phone, wanting to call Clarke. Clarke had given her the new Seattle number before she left. She still had it.
But yet, as Lexa stared through her tears, at her trembling hand and the numbers on the phone, she started to wonder. Did Clarke even care about her anymore? Did Clarke even remember her? Does Clarke even want Lexa to contact her?
Lexa recalled a letter from Clarke. Clarke wrote about all the new friends she's made, the new house she's in, and what her new schools like. Of course Clarke would be having a good time. She was an amazing person.
Lexa imagined Clarke smiling, laughing, comforting her new friends in her big house, with nice clothes, and everything she could want from her Engineer of a father, and her Doctor of a mother. Lexa decided not to call Clarke. Lexa was sure, Clarke didn't want to hear from her and her own imperfect life, so different from what she was sure Clarke was experiencing.
So Lexa held it all in. Lexa vowed to forget Clarke. She wanted to show Clarke that she was capable of having an equally good life without Clarke. She imagined one day in the future, when they met again, she wanted Clarke to see how happy she was without Clarke, and how successful she came to be as well. Lexa was determined to have that moment for herself.
On Lexa's first day of high school, it was not that much different from middle school. She was still with the same crowd, with some new additions to her group. But overall it was the same.
Sure, she and Lincoln were no longer dating. In fact, they stopped dating a year after getting together. In 8th grade, she noticed Lincoln going off to date other women behind her back. Although she didn't care for Lincoln romantically, and she honestly couldn't care less if he liked other women, Lexa had to keep up appearances for appearance sake. So she ripped him a new one and broke up with him. Eventually, they reconciled, but to be friends only.
She expected high school to be pretty much the same. Unlike her other peers, puberty actually benefit Lexa more than hurt her. She still had a very fair complexion, she never became a victim of acne, and her breasts had grown larger (which she was often told by her male peers, was a very good thing) and her body and face finally seemed to be falling into their perfect places.
What she didn't expect however, was to see Clarke again.
She first saw Clarke in homeroom, sitting down a couple rows in front of her. She thought she saw the wrong face when she walked in. Maybe Lexa needed glasses?
She somehow couldn't believe that the little girl in her head had grown so fast in 3 years to this beauty sitting only a few rows in front of her. Lexa could feel her mouth agape and quickly closed it before anyone in her group noticed.
When she saw Clarke look around at Lexa and make eye contact, Lexa knew it was definitely Clarke. And when Clarke smiled at Lexa, she could feel the blood from her body rushing to her cheeks. She breathed a bit trying to suppress it. Homeroom was starting.
"Ooooh, who's that?!" Bellamy, an aspiring quarterback for the football team had commented, looking towards Clarke. Bellamy was new at this school.
Although Lexa didn't really want to have any relation with Bellamy whatsoever, considering Bellamy's complexion, his aspiring goals to be quarterback, physique and the female attention he receives, Lexa reasoned it would be good to have him in her group. It was good for appearances that her group were going to be the "popular" clique, and thus needed the most attractive people in her clique.
Based on Lexa's own experiences, she knew this was pretty much how the world worked.
Once free time was given homeroom, Clarke had stood up and walked towards the back of the classroom, towards where Lexa was sitting. Lexa prayed in her head Clarke wasn't really going towards her. Maybe she was going to talk to Bellamy instead. Or maybe she was attracted to Lincoln. Lexa just didn't want Clarke to talk to her. She wasn't prepared for this meeting to happen so soon.
Clarke smiled at Lexa though, and stood in front of her.
"Lexa? It's so good to see you again! We should hang out again sometime!" She smiled even brighter. Lexa had swallowed again. For some reason, her brain chose this to be a good moment to go blank, and leave Lexa having no idea what to say. Lexa knew she wanted to say something to indicate to Clarke that she was leading a good life, that she doesn't have a broken family, or that she missed Clarke dearly, but her brain could not think of anything.
Then she heard Echo laugh. Oh good. Please say something.
"Pffft! Look at what you're wearing! As if Lexa would hang out with someone like you" Echo laughed.
Lexa was slightly taken aback. Although Echo did tell Lexa that her plan was to quickly establish that they are going to be the hottest kids in school, she wasn't aware Echo was going to do it like that. But Lexa's mind blanked again, and was left with nothing to say to Clarke.
In Lexa's opinion, there was nothing wrong with what Clarke was wearing. Open red flannel shirt, white tank top underneath, ripped jeans and sneakers. But she wasn't sure what else to say to Clarke.
Throughout the rest of the year, Clarke continued to prove that she was still just as intelligent and bright as she was back then. Lexa had no doubt that Clarke had amazing grades. Unfortunately, Echo as well as others in her group continued to harass Clarke on an almost daily basis.
Although Lexa never laughed as she never found the insults funny, her group had done it for so long, she reasoned if she tried to stop it at this point, they would most definitely turn their backs on her, and she would no longer be the "top dog". Worst case scenario, they would bully her too. She always felt guilty for it, but didn't want to appear weak in front of her friends. Especially since she was in such a dominating position. Sometimes they even jokingly called her "commander".
Thankfully, the year after, Clarke seemed to have a found a friend, Octavia Blake, Bellamy's little sister. Someone who, again, Lexa had no intention of wanting any sort of relationship, but Octavia was stunningly beautiful and since she already had the stunning brother, it would be good for her group to have the stunning sister as well.
But on the 2nd day, when Echo had tried to harass Clarke, Octavia, now assuming Clarke's new BFF role, had told Echo to go fuck herself, Lexa had trouble suppressing both her laughter and relief. She was glad Clarke had a friend to protect her from the harassment. Something Lexa could regretfully not do.
Later in the year, Echo had decided to start an "I hate Clarke Griffin" group on Facebook. Lexa was obligated to join. Echo had also questioned why Lexa had not written anything on the group wall. Everybody else had already written one thing they hated about Clarke Griffin.
Lexa however, was reluctant to. There was really nothing she hated about Clarke. Clarke had a quirky sense of humor she wasn't afraid to show in class, she was incredibly bright and intelligent, and Clarke never seemed afraid or scared of anything. Clarke always seemed to have the confidence to do anything. For that, Lexa was jealous for, but she still admired Clarke almost as much as when they had first met.
Lexa wasn't sure what to do. She had given Echo the excuse that they had already said everything she wanted to, and thus didn't have to post. But Echo continued to pressure her.
"OH! I heard Clarke moved back because her dad died! I wonder how he died." Echo had tried to feed Lexa via Facebook group messenger.
"Maybe he killed himself? lol" Lincoln contributed.
"Haha, I would to if I had her as a daughter" Bellamy offered as well.
"Use that Lexa!" Echo pressured again.
Lexa clenched her teeth and hesitantly typed it up on the wall, hovering over the "post" button. She did hear the Clarke's father died. But she respected that if Clarke didn't bring it up herself, she probably did not want to discuss it. Although gossip doesn't know exactly how he passed, rumors constantly flew around the "how". Clarke, obviously never talked about it.
"I don't know about this guys" She typed back. It was one thing to make fun of Clarke's appearance and her annoying tendencies. It was another to mock her dead father. She knew this was wrong.
"I bet you're in love with her lol" Lincoln teased.
Lexa swallowed and grit her teeth again. She was being undermined and shown to be weak. "I am not." She typed back and hit post over her tentative message. She only took solace in the fact that Clarke would probably not find this group.