This is by far the most angst riddled thing I have ever written in my life. I hate and I love it all at the same time.
So basically, I saw someone over on Tumblr say something to the effect of how Barba is in love with Olivia but she only sees him as a friend. I don't think that's true at all. What I've written here is my take on how it plays out on my screen. That Olivia feels like she's got too much between Noah and work to deal with anything else. Or that maybe because of her life and how she got to this point, no one wants to be a part of it or take on her craziness. I feel like that idea got slightly brushed up against in Genes and then dropped. Cause that's what season 18 was all about.
I was also going to try to write something using that Queen/Rook comparison Raul made in his THR interview, but I think I'm just going to work it into this story. Thanks for reading.
The elevator doors closed and she gave in, just for a moment. She spent so long convincing herself that a relationship was not in the cards for her. She had made her peace with that. She had Noah and she had her career. Noah had brought her more joy than she could have imagine. But was there a part of her that watched the families at the park and at his preschool and think 'it would be nice not to be doing this alone'? Yes. Always. But it was a fleeting thought, or so she thought. But he started to work his way in. Maybe he had starting the day she first shook his hand, but she could say with absolute certainty that over the last year or so, he had become integral in her life. Not just work, but everywhere. When she could feel herself starting to go off the rails, to spiral, to go off in a direction she shouldn't, his manner and straightforward way of thinking brought her back in off the ledge. It is why they made such a potent team. It is why they fought so hard and passionately when they were at odds. It's why they won and got angry when they didn't.
She wiped the few tears away from her face as the door opened to the ground floor. Maybe she had resisted for too long. Maybe her window had closed. Maybe he saw her as too much work, too high maintenance, too much trouble. Maybe she had fought so hard against him that she had missed her chance to be with him and let his light and calm enter into the darkness and chaos that sometimes surrounded her.
He stood at his window, knowing exactly where to watch so he could see her leave. He sipped his scotch as she exited the building, just standing there. His heart beat double time as he watched her run her hands through her hair and… was she wiping her face? The beating stopped. She was crying. She left him crying. Someone could have kicked him in that moment and he's not sure it would have hurt worse. He watched her pull out her phone and a moment later, he heard his vibrate behind him. He grabbed it and her text made him hurt.
Sorry to have interrupted. Don't work too late. We all need a good night sleep.
He could kick himself for making her think that he was anything less than enchanted with her. He had been from the moment he shook her hand all those years ago. When you work SVU anywhere in the boroughs, you hear about the tough as nails Olivia Benson. How she gave more to this job than most people ever did and if you were going to be her ADA, you better be ready. But he didn't expect her heart and her mind and her expressive eyes to get the better of him. And he fought it for so long. But they became more comfortable with each other. They talked about squabbling at 85 and he told her things about his past and his life that he never talked about.
And maybe she couldn't really get past the lying about Ashtonja and reporting her and Tucker to 1PP. Maybe his window had closed. Maybe he would always have to admire her from afar. He cherished her in his life too much, so he would take what she was willing to give him. He would keep her safe and fight with her and for her. He watched her make a couple of calls and he tapped out a reply.
You are never a bother. You get some sleep too. I will talk to you later.
Her shoulders sagged as she read his response. She dropped her phone in her pocket and headed into the waning daylight. He drained his drink and returned to his desk.
"It's been awhile Olivia" Dr. Lindstrom said, opening his door to her.
She sat down on his couch. "Thanks for seeing me so last minute. Lucy said Noah was asleep and she was studying anyway and I just…"
"Liv, you look like you are about to vibrate out of your skin" he replied, sitting down across from her.
"I feel like it, to be honest. The last few weeks have been rough."
"I've been following you in the paper. I feel like I should ask for your autograph." She smiled at his joke.
"So, what's going on Olivia?"
She looked at him. "I have a pretty good life." He just nodded. "I have a job that I'm passionate about and this amazing son who brings me love and light every day. But.."
"But…" he echoed.
"Is it selfish to want more? Is it selfish for me to say that? Considering where I came from, I feel like I should be happy with what I have. And I am. So happy. But…"
"It would be nice to have someone to let you fall into them for a change?" She just nodded. He had this knack of knowing exactly what to say when she couldn't.
"Olivia. Listen to me. I don't think you have ever been ready to hear this till now, for some reason. Your background doesn't define you. Your previous partners and relationships don't define you. Your heart defines you. Your drive and your passion defines you. Your laughter and your feelings define you. They make you who you are. I wish you let more people in like that." She just shook her head.
"Maybe it's better this way. My life… I can be a mess. Why inflict that on…" she paused, glancing at him before looking away "… anyone."
"That felt like a very specific pause, Olivia." She shook her head again. "Olivia, is there someone…"
"It doesn't matter. He's… disenchanted…" she barked out, laughing at how sad that one word made her feel.
Lindstrom narrowed his eyes at her. It was now or never with her. "Have you asked ADA Barba if that's the way he really feels?"
Her eyes were wider than he had ever seen them as she looked at him. Shocked. Exposed. He could see it all move across her face.
"I will take that silence as a no. Olivia, let me be very honest with you. I have known you a long time. I have spoken to him a few times myself. That man is loyal to you, almost to a fault. He will protect you till the end of his days. You two orbit each other. Gravity has pulled you two together even though you both fight it over and over and over again."
"He doesn't…"
Lindstrom held up his hand. "Olivia, I feel like you came here tonight for some hard truth. So that's what I will dole out. You are so scared that someone won't leave you that you have decided not to let anyone in. You can use Noah and your job as your crutch with the rest of the world, but not here. Not with me. And funny enough, I would bet my checking account Mr. Barba is the same way. He pushes you. He makes you feel again. William Lewis tried to take that away from you and you have kind of let him. He could have climbed the political ladder years ago. Moved on to another job. He didn't. He is still here. With you." He sat back to let all of that sink in.
Olivia couldn't keep the tears at bay now. "What if I'm too late?" she choked out.
"You won't know unless you open your mouth and your heart, Olivia." And she nodded, knowing that something had to change.