Things I Learned From Reading Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Part 2

41. All Slytherins are clever. Crabbe and Goyle, for example, are masters of cunning. (Courtesy of Nan.)

42. All those years of making eggs and bacon for the Dursley's breakfasts has turned Harry into a gourmet chef.

43. An exchange student, possibly the first ever, comes to Hogwarts. Harry or Draco, or both, fall head over heals in love with her.

44. Any nickname used even once in the books will become the only name a person is referred to by other characters.

45. Crabbe and Goyle just pretend to be dumb thugs, to throw people off. They're both actually very smart and sensitive; Crabbe enjoys knitting and Goyle is a talented landscape painter.

46. Draco is a bad Seeker and the only reason he's on the team at all is because his father bribed the team with all new brooms. The fact that he won most games against every team but Griffindor, and came close to winning every time he lost to Harry, was just luck. (A/N: one of the characters says this, but in PoA, the only year we know all the Quidditch victories for, Malfoy won every game except vs. Harry.)

47. Dumbledore's manipulations of Harry's life and friends will result in Harry going Dark.

48. Harry becomes a sex god the moment he loses his virginity.

49. Harry can develop serious muscles, learn enough martial arts to beat master fighters, become a master tactician, and learn enough magic to beat Voldermort in a duel, over the course of one summer.

50. Harry cries like a little girl when someone says something mean to him, and must be comforted by his One True Love.

51. Harry was the subject of vicious, unending physical abuse and starvation by the Dursleys.

52. Harry will become a vampire, because nothing is cooler than a vampire. But he won't have to stay out of the sun or drink human blood, because giving him actual disadvantages would be annoying.

53. Harry will become an Animagus, because his father was one.

54. Harry will either become the apprentice of Merlin, or have an ability not seen since Merlin.

55. Harry will end up with multiple girlfriends, or even an entire harem. All the girls will get along with each other, and none will get bored because his attention is split so many ways. They are all his favorite, so there is no cause for jealousy.

56. Harry will find or create an item or spell that makes him immune to unforgivables.

57. Harry will signal his independent, edgy, and unconventional nature by dressing just like every other independent, edgy, and unconventional teen. He will also listen to Evenescence, because they are so deep.

58. Harry's full first name is actually Harold.

59. Harry's new trunk will be magical and have at least six compartments, including a bedroom, library, potions lab, and workout room.

60. Hermione was actually adopted. She's really a pureblood, because it's just so implausible that someone from a non-dominant group really could be that talented. (Courtesy of NougatEvolution.)

61. If Fred and George Weasley are introduced to Sirius and told he was one of the Marauders, they will bow or kneel and chant "We are not worthy, we are not worthy!"

62. If Harry either pulls a prank on someone, or becomes an animagus, he'll be given a 'Marauder name'.

63. If Harry uses a gun, he will immediately become Super!Harry. Wizards have no defense against firearms, despite the fact that they have been around since the 1400s. There is a 'gentlemen's agreement' in the Wizardly world that no one will use them.

64. If Harry uses a sword, he will become an master swordsman in only a few months, as opposed to the years it takes most people. Or he may not require any training at all.

65. James and/or Lily will leave a letter to Harry that explains exactly the things Harry needs explained in order to discover What Is Actually Going On. The letter is either in the Dursley's attic, in his vault, or will be magically delivered to him at a certain age.

66. Lucius Malfoy deeply regrets having become a Death Eater, but he was forced to, either by his father, or by threats to his family by Voldermort, or possibly he was pushed into it by his wife. He really doesn't believe that pure-blood nonsense.

67. Magical portraits of Harry's parents, or the Founders, or Merlin, will teach Harry everything that he needs to know.

68. Salazar did not dislike muggle-born and was not a blood purist. He's just been misunderstood.

69. Students who are unhappy can be re-sorted into another house.

70. Teachers in the Muggle world are so credulous that they will take the Dursley's word for it that Harry is a troublemaker, rather than making their own judgements. If he claims to have been abused, they will tell the Dursleys what he said.

71. The best way to show how tough you are is to give Dumbledore or Voldermort a demeaning knickname.

72. The Dark Arts aren't actually evil. They are just misunderstood by a hidebound and fearful Wizardly public.

73. The Malfoys are part Veela. Because no one that pretty could possibly be all humans. Besides, the less human blood you have the more you count as pureblood!

74. The only word Tonks ever uses to greet someone is "Wotcher."

75. There are multiple Potter Vaults; the one Harry sees in book one is just his school vault. He is actually worth tens or hundreds of millions of galleons, dozens of properties, and may be the richest wizard in the world. Unless Dumbledore has stolen it all, of course.

76. Underneath it all, Snape is actually a nice person, who just wants to be loved.

77. Unforgivables aren't actually evil. They all have good purposes, and are just misunderstood by a hidebound and fearful Ministry of Magic.

78. Vernon Dursley has so much influence in the Muggle world that despite the fact that Harry has told teachers that he's abused, Vernon gets it covered up.

79. Voldemort is rather stupid, mindlessly impulsive, and incapable of seeing through the most obvious ruses. This is why he came so close to taking over the wizardly world before he went after the Potters - because those are the traits that make a dark lord successful.

80. When Harry chooses the core to have a wand made for him, he will end up with at least two core elements, and possibly up to five or six. He'll also need several kinds of woods. Plus a special gem to cap it all off. He may have so many elements making it up that he will be forced to use a staff, rather than a wand. One with Runes on it.

Author's Notes:

I will take suggestions if people want more; I reserve the right to re-phrase any suggestion made, but credit will be given!