Chapter 2: Practically a Dwarfer

'Y'alright?' Dave asked strolling through the doorway. He walked breezily into her newly claimed quarters and looked at Jenny's plain room. Only briefly glancing at him from the corner of her eye, Jenny continued to unpack her few belongings from the rucksack she'd tossed on the bed.

'Yes, thanks.' Jenny replied a small smile tickling the corners of her mouth. 'So,' she began and spun around to face him. 'What do you guys do around here for fun exactly?' It had been exactly two hours since she'd been invited to stay. Jenny had had the tour a la Kryten and been assigned a choice of quarters. Later she planned on searching threw some of the old crew's lockers – it's not like thy needed any of it. 'Thank you, by the way.' She said with her sweetest smile.

Lister felt off balance. Wow, she was beautiful. 'Wh… Well, yeah, no problem. Sorry, for what?'

'Letting me stay.' She said happily. 'Not forever, though.' She grinned cheekily. For a while it was quiet and Jenny thought about where she'd go once her ship finally got fixed.

'So, where are you from then?' He asked casually. His question caught her off guard. He was clearly making some human attempt to get to know her better. Jenny faltered.

'Er… er… Everywhere, really. I just sort of travel.' Jenny supposed that would do. After all, it wasn't exactly a lie. She really wanted to just get out there and see the stars.

'But originally, though?' Jenny's hears began thumping. Before Jenny could answer, before she could even think of an answer Kryten walked through her door. Jenny sighed.

'Hello Mr Lister, sir; Miss Jenny.' Kryten greeted them both. Jenny had finished tiding her things by now and supposed she should be glad of the company. Lister said a quick hello to Kryten.

'Just Jenny, thank you Krtyten.' She corrected.

'Of course, Mam.' Jenny shook her head and tried not to snigger. 'I've just finished the ironing and was wondering if you'd like any help unpacking.' He was sweet in a weird sort of mechanical way. Jenny supposed she would get used to him, he was the sort of person (well… robot) who grew on you.

'Done now.' Jenny smiled and nodded to her bare quarters.

'Of course, mam. Then I'll start the diner preparations. Any requests?' Jenny shook her head. Kryten left, followed shortly by Lister.

'I'll give you some space then,' he said before he left. Although it wasn't perfect, Jenny knew she might actually like it here. Okay, the ship wasn't in the best condition, and the company; well they were a bit…. And, alright, the computer hated her, the chance of seeing planets and having adventures were slim but to her own surprise, Jenny could actually see herself living here; if only for a while. There's no way she could stay with these people for more than a few months, though. No way.


Rimmer lay on his bunk, smiling. 'She's amazing, isn't she, Holl?' He asked said absent-mindedly, a half smile spread across his face as his mind wandered and toured their new member. He thought about her body, face, her lips, her legs.

'S'alright.' Holly mumbled looking bored.

'"S'alright"!? "S'alright"!?"' Rimmer demanded with a look of angry horror, drawing Holly's attention. He shot off the bunk to stand facing the computer. 'She's majestic! She's strong, and clever – I mean she has to be to run a ship alone – and beautiful, so beautiful. She's just… amazing!' For a minute it was quiet.

'So what makes you think she'd go for someone like you then?' Asked Holly.

'Hey!' Rimmer spat. He focused for a second. 'Well, it's not like she has options is it. Middle of deep space, the Android version of Norman Bates, a cat with brains the size of a garden pea, Lister or me, second technician aboard Red Dwarf, the highest ranking crew member. Who would you choose, Holly?'

'You're right, Arnold.' Holly lied and then flashed off of the screen.

'Course I'm right,' Rimmer continued even though he was alone. He turned to the mirror, smiled smugly and saluted.


Jenny didn't sleep well during the night. She had this nagging sensation, the sort Time Lady's get, she'd pondered, that all was not well. She could sense something was coming, or at least, that's what she'd thought.

She'd had dinner with the crew, that was sort of nerve wracking. She didn't much care for what Kryten had served, though; Space Weevil. She'd actually eaten something called space weevil. She didn't even want to think about it. After, she'd headed straight for her quarters, showered, changed and gotten some sleep. Or at least, tried too. She just felt like something wasn't right.

Jenny wasn't really sure what she knew was coming. Maybe she was nervous. Or maybe it was the Space Weevil coming back on her. But Jenny could have sworn she sensed something.

In reluctance, Jenny tossed the covers off of the top bunk she'd claimed and made her way along the corridor. The first person she saw was the Cat.

'Hi,' she smiled politely.

'Oww!' The Cat practically squared. Jenny just smiled in tolerance. 'Can ya smell that?' He asked excitedly, stepping closer to her.

'Can't say I do,' She answered honestly. 'Sorry.' The Cat looked worried.

'Asteroid attack!' Jenny knew she had every right to be worried! That must be what she sensed. 'Except their not asteroids,' Or not. 'They're missiles.' Maybe… 'Nothing's shown up on the scanner yet.' Probably not, she decided. 'But I can smell 'em.'

'Cat,' she said, her patience wearing thin. 'Who the hell would want to shoot you?' The Cat stared at her with wide eyes. 'Well it's not me! Who'd want to shoot me?' She shouted. Who would want to kill her? The Cat shrugged. Alright, who with the appropriate transport and tracking equipment would want to kill her? No one. That's who. 'Shall I go worn the others?'

'I've told Kryten and Lister but not goal-post-head! Yow, I've gotta go!'

'Oh. Rimmer? I'll have a look for him. I'll bet he's in his quarters, right?' The Cat nodded and skittered down the hallway.

'Oww!' He cried hitting an even higher note as Jenny walked briskly in the other direction, she picked up her pace and perched herself gracefully on the doorway cock pit.

'Kryten?' She cooed although he was the only one (aside Holly) who her charm had no effect on.

'Yes, mam?'

'Seen Rimmer?' she asked sweetly.

'Yes, Mam.' He replied, not taking his eyes from the control panel he was so intent on.

'Great.' Jenny smiled.

'He's about this high, repulsive looking, sticky out ears and stupid curly hair.' Kryten motioned all the different listed features and Jenny sighed. She rubbed the bridge of her nose and shook her head.

'Right thanks, but I meant today. Have you seen Rimmer today?' She was careful to explain it to Kryten fully.

'Oh yes mam,' Jenny grinned. 'He's wearing his pretend admiral suit to impress you mam,'

'Thanks Kryten,' She sighed. Jenny shook her head but smirked. This was pretty easy. They all loved her and in fairness would do whatever the hell she wanted. All she had to do was warn Rimmer about the stupid missiles that probably weren't even real. 'Where is he?'

'In his and Mr Lister's quarters probably.'

Jenny headed to the afore mentioned quarters. Inside, Rimmer was standing in front of his mirror saluting himself.

'You look like a real pratt when you do that,' Jenny teased. Rimmer grinned helplessly like a puppy looking at its owner. 'Hello,' She said sweetly, balancing out her insult.

'Hi!' Rimmer virtually barked as he rushed towards her. He tried, and quite hilariously failed, to look 'cool'. 'Are you alright?' Jenny wondered for a moment why everyone was so concerned about her wellbeing. She'd only known them five minutes.

'Fine, thanks. But We think we might be under attack.' Jenny shrugged and leaned eloquently against the doorway.

Jenny smiled, she could tell something; Rimmer fancied her.

'What?!'

'Probably nothing. The Cat reckons they haven't even turned up on the radar. Just thought you should know.' Jenny finished with a smile as usual. She turned to walk out as Rimmer called a quick and confused 'thanks from behind her when the ground roared from under her feet.

She spun back around, a look of horror across his face.

The ship shuddered again and the pair looked at each other with wide eyes, neither of them saying a word. They sprinted, coming into contact with Lister at a turn off, into the control room. Kryten and the Cat worriedly piloted Red Dwarf, trying to steer it out of harm's way.

Pounding on the ground, walls and ceiling shook them off balance.

'Miss Jennifer, mam.' Kryten said, his voice thick with terror. 'I can't… You're ship, the designs were far in advance of our own.' Rimmer scoffed from behind her. 'You've got to take the controls.' All the blood drained from Jenny's face. She looked at Kryten as if he'd just asked her to strip naked and jump out of the air lock.

'You want me to steer her?' Jenny gasped, shocked. How could they just ask her to do that? She'd only gotten on board to freeload off of them and now look, they were asking her to save them!

'Come on, Jen, you can fly can't you?' Said Lister, pushing towards dials. By this point the pounding had got louder and the quakes even greater.

'Well, yes,' She hesitated. 'But… This is your ship.' Jenny shook her head. 'I've been here like a day!'

'Jenny!' He shouted over the noise of hurtling metal. 'You're practically a Dwarfer now! Come on!'

'We need you.' The Cat chorused.

Missiles pounded the ship like pellets from a machine gun. Red Dwarf swerved and flipped. The crew fell and tumbled to the ground. The Cat, sustaining a sharp blow to the head, passed out.

Jenny knew what she had to do. She helped people. Like her father.

'Hang on to your hat's boys,' Jenny flicked the hair from her face and staggered back to her control. 'This is gonna be a toughie.'