For as vast and desolate as the mansion sometimes seemed privacy was a rarity. For one, many of the rooms were inhabitable but the natural chill from being underground mixed with their lack of resources found everyone spending most days sprawled out in the foyer, trying to pass the time. Only on rare occasions were they afforded time alone, usually when Alex disappeared to his job, but even then it was a fight over who would go to collect food or anything else they might need and who would stay behind to guard their makeshift home. But today Gert didn't fight and Chase joined her in staying behind while Molly, Nico, and Karolina ventured downtown.
Playing house had a different tone when Gert and Chase were alone. Sidestepping around one another in the same bathroom while the rest of the house sat empty was somehow an intimate affair, a show of oneness in its rawest form despite no one else being around to see. Even though Chase had prepositioned Gert with an invitation into the shower with him he wasn't surprised when she rejected him. It was what he expected and he enjoyed how rosy her cheeks became and the way her mouth puckered as she fought her urge to surrender. Her self control wavered when she was off her meds, her personality teetering in a temperature between frigid and hell where she fought to find her place in the world her mind created for her. It was all about regaining control and that was hard to do when all Gert really wanted was to be relaxed again; to smile and kiss Chase the way she had at the dance. She remembered how carefree and safe and wanted she felt just being in his arms, she just couldn't find it in herself to replicate it. Besides, that was the girl Chase craved, and Gert hadn't seen that version of herself in weeks.
Despite her hesitance, when Chase emerged from the shower he made no apology for the way his hips strained against the threadbare towel rolled around his waist. Each step closer to Gert had her practically envisioning him naked. Chase was beautiful and it certainly didn't help matters that he was completely self-aware, at least in that regard. What Gert didn't know was that he often found himself staring at her in the very same way. No, she was not conventionally pretty, meaning it was not her hair or her eyes or her skin that had him breathless. It was everything. It was how she just was, all of her inside and out attracting him the way no one had before. Chase hadn't known that sexual attraction could journey beyond the physical until Gert had let herself be vulnerable with him that night at the dance. He missed that girl desperately; he wanted to tell that girl just how much he loved her — all of her.
"Put on a shirt," Gert deadpanned after spitting her mouthful of off-brand Listerine into the sink. They'd purchased the bottle only two days ago and already it was halfway empty. Chase had diluted it with water several times now; if Gert noticed, she did not say anything.
"Put on some pants," he returned with a coy smile. His eyes contradicted his mouth, taking their time to admire Gert's backside as she leaned forward against the vanity, still inspecting her teeth. Today's underwear had a simple white band with a brand name Chase did not recognize. The cotton below looked as if it were painted on, laying nearly flat against Gert's skin as it curved around her flesh. When she repositioned her weight to get a better look at him, the swells at the top of her legs, just below her butt became all the more apparent. Chase nearly swallowed at the sight.
"Stop staring," she directed flatly, but as she moved to brush past him, Gert casually gripped his chin and asked for a kiss.
For her it was bold but Chase did his best to remain in control. He only held onto her a moment longer than he should have. But when she went to pull away and step out of his embrace, Chase only saw her smile. It was as if his lips had suggested something she had not considered then all at once she was in his arms again, tasting him while his hands ghosted down her sides to grip unapologetically at her butt. He could feel Gert smiling through the kiss, her lips even parting to let a small laugh escape.
Breathless, Chase detached and leaned back, still palming her cheeks in his hands, keeping their lower halves connected. "Are you eating enough?"
Gert was heaving too. "What?"
"You're...you feel different," he explained.
This time her voice was not as light. "What?"
"Just...thinner," Chase settled simply. "Not as soft."
Gert leaned back. Though they remained close, it was clear she was doing her best to separate from him. "Soft?" she scoffed.
"That was a compliment!" Chase insisted in a stammer.
Gert rolled her eyes and pushed him away. Suddenly it seemed that brushing her teeth again was the necessary choice. "Sounded like you were calling me fat but okay—"
"What?" Chase blinked. "No, wait! I just...I'm worried you're not eating!"
"I'm not! None of us are!"
"Look, things may be limited but there's enough food where you shouldn't be starving."
"Well I'm not starving so…"
Chase's shoulders slumped as he gave in to another sigh. "Are you okay? Are you sick?"
Gert put down her toothbrush and turned back to him. "I just...my meds make me gain weight. Without them and with all the stress...happy side effect I guess?"
"Happy?" Chase balked. "You're losing weight! That's not healthy!"
"I'm not healthy!"
"That's not fair, Gert. Don't do that."
"Well don't call me fat!"
"I didn't call you fat! Stop projecting what you think of yourself onto me. You clearly see yourself through some distorted lens so I don't know why I'd expect you to even be able to predict what I think of you."
Gert blinked. If she was fighting back tears, Chase couldn't tell. He was too blinded by his own anger. "Okay."
"What?"
"Well you're right so I'm not going to argue you."
Everything has slowed down but Chase still felt as if his lungs needed more air. "Okay," he swallowed harshly. "Fine."
Gert moved past Chase into their shared bedroom. The room's size meant their makeshift dresser felt like it were miles from the mattress on the floor so when Chase went to retrieve something clean to wear and Gert padded toward the bed, the two both felt very, very alone.
As he dressed, Chase concentrated on Gert in his peripheral. The sweatpants she slept in were laid over a chair near the bed but she did not move to slip into them. Instead she sat plainly on the side of the bed, one leg tucked beneath her while the other hung off, toes pointing to the dusty oriental rug below.
"Gert?"
She looked up, almost shocked to see Chase standing on the other side of the bed. The reality of their situation: their shared room and all the stress that surrounded everything they did, came rushing into focus. Gert forced a smile which Chase interpreted as permission to continue.
"I was going to nap."
She looked to the bed then back to him. Her movements were somewhat stiff. Sometimes Gert was so lost in her own mind she was still and almost lifeless. Chase didn't know if she was surprised by his presence or her own. "Yeah, sure."
She pushed off the bed, ready to stand, but he stopped her. "Wait."
"What?"
"Don't go. I mean...that wasn't an invitation to leave."
"Oh." She sat back down. When Chase lifted the blanket he settled beneath, she accepted his invitation and shifted so she was beside him. "I didn't...I'm stupid."
"You're stupid?" Chase chuckled. Both had been looking to the ceiling but he was thankful for her interruption because it gave him the chance to stare again. "I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have said anything. I know how girls are with their weight and I know better and it was dumb. Really dumb."
Gert sighed and rolled beside him so her head was nearly on his shoulder. "No, you...your intentions were good. I overreacted. I'm sorry. I just...vulnerable, remember?"
"I know," he nodded. "And I ruined it."
"You didn't. It's...it's okay. I'm sorry."
Gert nuzzled into Chase's shoulder, the tip of her nose breathing him in as she simply relished in having him so close again. They could have been so much closer if only her mind hadn't gotten in the way, interrupting her thoughts with all of the things she used to truly believe: You're a freak. He couldn't possibly be attracted to you. Look at the girls he dates. You're not Eiffel. You're not Karolina. Not even a drastic change could turn you into the girl he wants. He's beautiful and he deserves someone beautiful. You want him but he certainly doesn't want you.
Her anxiety not only erased everything Chase had done (and continued to do) to prove she was exactly the girl he wanted, but it acted as if everything she thought before was not only imagined but confirmed. It was like they were back in school and she was nothing more than a joke to him and his friends. Even laying beside him, his arm now wrapped tightly around her shoulders while she pressed an ear to his chest listening to his heartbeat, Gert felt as if she didn't belong. Someday, likely soon, Chase would realize the world was not ending and go back to living the life he wanted, one where Gert was overlooked to the point of practical nonexistence.
"Gert? Babe?"
She looked up, realizing she had done it again: become so wrapped up in each self-sabotaging ideal that she'd forgotten there was no use in worrying about what had already been obtained. It didn't help that Chase was almost too understanding. He responded by holding her tighter, kissing her longer. If this really was all a joke to him, he was playing the role wonderfully.
Gert shook her head, hoping to banish all her doubts. Instead it gave her clarity, at least long enough for her to gaze up at him, hoping her eyes showed him the adoration her mind was still grappling with. She liked when he called her babe. She should tell him that, shouldn't she?
"Gert?"
"Sorry, I…" Every bit of oxygen drained from her lungs. Christ, he was perfect, she thought. "You know I want you, right?"
"I...yeah, I guess."
"I do. A lot. I want you more than I ever have before...which is a lot considering…" Chase snickered and she did the same, both wordlessly acknowledging what could now be recognized as a clear crush. If Gert had stopped insulting Chase she would have seen he harbored the same feelings for her, and maybe had long before she did — before Amy and evil parents and all those years of constant miscommunication — when they even managed to speak at all.
"Let's just sleep," Chase suggested. "Lace is quiet. We're alone…"
"We can—"
"Just a nap," Chase interrupted.
Gert nodded and turned away from him, rolling so all he could see was her hunched back and the lavender hair that laid unevenly against her neck. When Chase didn't turn to follow her, Gert gave a small glance over her shoulder.
"Are you not touching me because of me or because of you?"
"Huh?"
"Do you want to touch me? Like you usually do?"
He finally shifted, but did nothing to reach out and pull her close. "Yeah, I...I didn't know if you wanted me to."
"I do. I always do," she assured.
"Yeah," Chase sighed, expelling nothing but relief. "Me too."
Gert smiled. "Yeah?"
He settled in behind her and did not hesitate to wrap a strong arm around her waist, his hand curving beneath her side where his thumb gently rested against her ribcage. "Can I say something?"
"Is it going to ruin this?" Before he could respond, Gert continued. "Because that's my job and I've already done it and I don't want it to happen again because I just finally feel fine right now and—"
"I just wanted to tell you that I want you too. Always. In any way you'll let me. I...you mean a lot to me and sure, you're brilliant and passionate and sometimes a bit terrifying and I like all those things about you but I also think you're sexy and I get it but it just kind of sucks to think that you don't believe me."
"I know."
"I don't think you do."
"I'm trying to understand."
"I wish you'd let me show you…" His voice trailed off, diminishing in volume as Gert's eyes widened. "I mean, not like that...well, actually exactly like that but not right now," he emphasized, adding a pause. "Because you're not ready and we'll wait until you're ready."
Gert turned over quickly, remaining beneath his grip but facing him now. Her warm palm curved perfectly against his neck, her thumb caressing the skin near his ear. He was perfect and she was doing her best to ignore how inadequate she felt but even his dimpled smile and hopelessly innocent brown eyes couldn't cure her illness. They were a distraction and she was thankful for them but they did nothing to fix the chemical imbalance in her brain. If only, Gert thought often.
"I'm just glad you're here," she whispered. Their mouths were so close that her lips nearly brushed his with each passing word. "Even if it doesn't seem like it because I'm terrible at showing it or saying it. I wouldn't be able to do this without you. I really mean that."
The sound of such honesty had Chase's eyes fluttering shut. He couldn't possibly tell her that such a brave declaration only added to how much everything in him wanted everything about her. But people show love differently. Sometimes with words, other times with touch, and for those with anxiety — sometimes not at all.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I promise they're not all going to be so melancholy. Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! xx
