Sara was in bliss. Her body felt weightless, her nipples tingled and her core was throbbing. However, as she looked at her twin, she knew she would not let her sister touch her. It would be about Tegan tonight, like it had been for the last four months. Her heart was heavy; It has been for almost 21 years.
Tegan panted as her sister sucked on her earlobe, feeling her panties become more wet each passing second. She grasped Sara's shoulder and she dug her nails into the soft skin as her sister's soft and nimble fingers dipped into her underwear and felt the river that was flowing between her lips. A loud moan broke through the room and Tegan hissed as Sara rubbed her clit in a clockwise motion; she could cry. 20 years later and Sara still remembered how to undo her with a touch. Her breasts screamed for attention and she cupped them the best she could, pinching and pulling at her own light brown nipples.
Before Tegan could tell her sister that she was coming, her back arched, her thighs clamped around Sara's hand and an angelical moan ripped through the room.
Sara placed a gentle kiss on her temple. When Tegan caught her breath, she reached for her sister's pants, but Sara flinched away. In a heartbeat, the younger of the two shut herself in the adjacent bathroom.
Tegan could cry.
It had been like this since they got back together over four months ago. At first, Sara wouldn't touch Tegan. Maybe she would kiss her goodnight, and she'd turn over and try her hardest to go to sleep. Her guilt was too strong, still. A month in, Sara and Tegan smoked together again, and Sara touched Tegan for the first time in over 20 year. That night, Tegan cried as she felt her sister's hesitant touches, their gasps and moans filled the house and probably scared the cats. But ever since then, Sara needed to smoke to be able to make love to her sister. And of course, Tegan was not allowed to touch her.
But Tegan stayed, though. She loved Sara so much; it was a love that consumed her. She had loved her since they were 15 and she wouldn't stop loving her. In her dying breath, Sara would be at the back of her mind, heavy in her heart because Tegan loved her.
Time was going too fast and all too slow. The oldest of the two prayed to a God that she didn't believe in, hoping that her sister would feel better about this. She knew that Sara was in love with her too, but she seemed to be hurting a lot, as well. Tegan didn't know what to do. She should stay, right?
"Sara, please, please don't do this to me," Tegan begged and her voice wavered. Her shaking hands reached for her twin but Sara pushed them away.
"Tegan, you know we can't keep doing this. We can't. If anyone were to find out, our career would be over before it could even start", Sara tried to explain, trying her best to be level-headed but her eyes were filling with water.
Tegan cried harder at this. She ran her hands through her now buzz-cut hair, closed her eyes and prayed that she would wake up from this nightmare.
"Hey, mom", Sara heard her twin from the living room. The cats were probably in the kitchen, waiting for breakfast. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, deciding to start the day.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just don't get much sleep last night," she continued.
A moment.
"No, it's not Sara." Lies. It was always Sara.
"I'm just not feeling great. I think that this fucking depression is kicking in, big time. I'm not sleeping very well and I don't feel like eating, but I do so I don't worry her. I'm anxious all the time, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And no matter how much I try, she won't look at me the same way she did when were kids. I… I feel like I'm a charity case to her."
That's right, Sonia knew. It didn't take a genius to figure it out and it also helped that she knew her daughters. She also had seen the picture when it was fresh and new; it's not like she was snooping for evidence, but she had a hunch. She went into Tegan's room to get her laundry and there it was, sitting on her desk for the world to see. She didn't bring it up, ever. She was shocked and confused and did the only thing she could do: research.
When the twins broke up, she decided she would be a listening ear and a supportive mother to the best of her abilities. She saw the hell that they went through and tried to put out the flames that surrounded her daughters as much as she could. She didn't question when Tegan crawled into her bed the middle of the night and clung to her mother as she hysterically sobbed for over three hours. If they wanted to tell her, they would. And she would love them no matter what, because that's what a mother did.
But once Tegan moved in to Sara's house, both of them recently single, Sonia knew that she had to tell them. She visited them and sat them down and told them the truth. Sara was horrified; she jumped up from her place on the couch and locked herself in the bathroom for a better part of the day, throwing up everything that she had eaten in the past day. Tegan just cried on her mom's shoulders, like she did that night.
"I love my babies, no matter who they love. They're kind, smart, generous and successful individuals. Who they are seeing is not my concern, as long as I know that they're happy. And the faces I saw in that photo were beyond happy. You're both grown women now, and I'm so proud of you- both of you. I'm your mom. I love you, Tegan. And I love Sara just the same."
Sara walked softly to the living room and planned on kissing her lover good morning, today; she never did that. Instead, she heard her sister's dejected voice talk on the phone to their mother and she stopped and listened in.
She was hurting her and she knew it. She was making Tegan feel like she was no better than the countless faces from the past, all because she couldn't process their relationship. She needed to go to therapy, again.
"She won't let me love her, mum."
Sara let her tears spill, her heart feeling like it was on fire. She gasped and that notified her sister of Sara's presence nearby. Quickly, Tegan ended the conversation, promising she would call back soon, and walked cautiously to her sister. To her lover. Once they were arm's length apart from one another, Tegan cautiously reached for her sister's hand and to her surprise, Sara let her.
"I know I'm not- I'm not being good to you. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to walk away from this. But please... Please stay."
Tegan nodded as she listened to her sister's voice, water filling in her own eyes. She seemed to cry a lot, lately.
"I have an appointment with Dr. Turner next Thursday," Sara's shaky voice broke the silence in the room. They were in bed, the lights off, the cats sleeping on their designated spots in the sofa. They were back to back.
But Sara's announcement seemed to bring Tegan's attention back to life. She looked over her shoulder, towards her twin.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"It's good to see you again, Sara. I know it's been a while, but this place is the same as before. We can talk about anything, this is a safe place. It is not my place to judge anything that you say. My job here is to help you realize where you are wrong and to help you move towards a happier life."
Sara stared at the woman in front of her. She was really going to do this. She looked at the woman's curly, short brown hair and her green eyes. She knew Dr. Turner had helped her before. She knew she could trust her.
"I'm in love with my twin," Sara's voice declared. Quickly, her own eyes filled her tears. She was afraid to look at her therapist.
Violet crossed her legs and nodded. She smiled towards Sara, sympathy and confusion displayed in her face.
"So, tell me about that."
Tegan sat in Emy's living room. She had decided to visit their friend in New York for two weeks, and Emy was more than delighted to have her over. In the past week, they had gone out to see live music, saw underground art shows, ate fatty foods and had gotten drunk off their minds. Tegan knew that whenever she needed to see a friend to make her mood better, Emy was always the one with the cure.
Emy looked towards her friend, knowing that she wasn't totally okay. She put lime on the rim of each shot glass, a tall bottle of tequila sat on the coffee table. She patted the spot next to her on the floor and Tegan joined her, the movie they were watching was log forgotten by now.
Tegan served both of them, tequila coming close to the top of the short glasses. Each of them grabbed them and Emy was quick to make a remark.
"Here's to Tequila T!" Quickly, they downed them.
Several more later, Tegan was feeling flushed. She looked at Emy, all inhibitions out of her mind. She leaned in closer and rested her head on her tall friend's shoulder. She wrapped her tattooed arms around Emy's thin waist. This wasn't unusual when it came down to Tequila T, so Emy wasn't worried. But when she felt light kisses on her shoulder, her heart began to go faster.
Soon enough, the kisses turned into little nips at her neck. Emy decided that she needed to stop her.
"Tegan, no." Her voice was shaky, but she said it.
"Emy, please, I need this." Her speech was slightly slurred.
"No, Tegan." Quickly, Emy stood up and sat on the arm rest of the leather couch, Tegan forgotten in the floor. She took a couple of deep breaths before she spoke.
"I think that you're an amazing person, but I think of you as a friend- only as a friend. And you're in a relationship with Sara and I wouldn't like to be the one to get-"
Tegan gasped and stood up. "You know?!" Were they really that obvious? Could the whole world figure it out?
Emy looked at her friend, who was now pacing with wobbly footsteps in her living room.
"Sara was my wife, Tegan. She never told me… but I saw the way she would look at you. I always felt like she wasn't fully with me, and it took a couple of years before I could put it together. It made total sense when I figured it out."
Tequila T sat on couch, looked at her socked feet and thought over the words that her friend spoke. It seemed like an eternity before she spoke back.
"You never…", she was hesitant. "You didn't think it was disgusting? That we are sisters and we feel what we feel?"
Emy looked shocked at the question. She sat down next to her best friend and wrapped her arm around her bony shoulder. Had she not been eating lately?
"I never thought that and I will never think that." They looked at each other, the smaller of the two silently crying.
"You and Sara are my best friends. The fact that you two are together doesn't make me uncomfortable and it sure as hell doesn't make me love you two any less. You're always going to be Sara and Tegan to me and I love you both so much. Please don't ever think differently."
"How can you not think it's disgusting? We were born from the same person!", Sara all but yelled at the therapist in front of her. Her head was pounding. This was the 3rd appointment in a bit over a week and she always came back to this point. What would everyone think?
"It doesn't matter what I think, Sara. The only thing that matters here is how you think and feel about your relationship with Tegan. If you are not hurting someone, if you are simply in love, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?"
"Because," Sara started, "we are public figures. If something were to happen, it could reflect badly on a lot of people."
Violet sighed and uncrossed her legs. She leaned over her knees and looked at Sara in the eyes.
"Nothing has happened yet. And if you're discreet, nothing will happen. The only thing that is happening now is that you are pushing Tegan away. And soon enough, she will have enough of it and she will leave you. So it's up to you, now. What are you going to do differently to show Tegan that she isn't alone in this relationship?"
"So", Emy said over breakfast, "who made the first move?"
Tegan choked on her toast. She reached for the glass of orange juice and drank, trying to stop the burning in her throat.
Emy was laughing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you choke! I was just curious. You know, how did it start?"
Tegan regained her breath and nodded. She thought about it for a moment, her hands pulling at each other from under the table. She blushed.
"We were 17."
Tegan walked towards Sara's door and knocked. Earlier, they got into a fight and she was going to be the bigger person and apologize for what she had said. Once Sara opened it, Tegan looked at her twin for a moment, her mouth opening and closing a few times before she said what she needed to say.
"I'm sorry. I know you don't like it when I get into your personal business. I know that you are your own person," she quickly said. "I just- I just get so frustrated sometimes."
"Why?" It was all that Sara had said so far.
"Because!" Tegan seemed to be losing her breath, she was frustrated. "Because it feels like you never want to hang out anymore. That I just annoy you and you rather just be by yourself than be with me. I'm your sister Sara and I care about you; we are supposed to be friends and lately, you don't love me anymore!"
Tegan was always emotional. Sara sighed and looked at her bare feet. Tegan's were the same. Identical.
"I do, though. I love you. I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't."
While this made Tegan feel slightly better, she still huffed. She wasn't ready to forgive so easily.
"You have a funny way of showing it", she muttered. They stood in silence for a minute before Sara looked up again. Her mind was made up and she stepped closer to her sister. Tegan's heartbeat began to race, her body felt tingly. What was happening?
"I do love you. I'm sorry if I don't show it enough."
They were inches away. Tegan looked down to the identical set of lips close to her own. Was this a dream? Sara's hands shakily placed themselves on Tegan's waist.
It definitely was not a dream.
"Tell me to stop," the younger one whispered. "Tell me I've made everything up in my head and tell me to stop."
Tegan couldn't answer. Her palms were sweaty and her knees felt like they would give from under her. Wide eyes stared at identical ones before they became one.
Sara kissed Tegan and Tegan kissed her back, timidly but wholeheartedly. Her eyes shut and her body soared; she had never kissed like this. Sara's lips were soft against her own, dominant. They kissed for minutes before she realized that her arms were idly laying at her sides. She hugged Sara's shoulders and brought her twin closer, their mouths opening to one another and Sara rubbed her tongue against her sister's; they both moaned in unison at the contact.
Slowly, they pulled away. Sara's spiky blonde hair was messed up from Tegan pulling at it and her face was flushed pink. She timidly smiled and looked up at her sister's eyes.
"How's that for showing it?"
Tegan chuckled, still out of finally happened.
"Good, but you still haven't completely convinced me, yet."
"Wow. That sounds pretty sweet, actually," Emy commented. She smiled big at her friend who was blushing at the memory and over the fact that she had told something so personal. She could physically see how tolling it was on Tegan to keep this a secret, and she was relieved that they could finally talk about what was bothering her.
"We were kids… literally, over twenty years ago. She broke up for me over some half-assed excuse. When she and Stacy got divorced, saw a chance and I went for it. She was always afraid of being who she wants to be with me and even now, she's pushing me away. I want to believe that she'll accept it and let us be together. But she's not letting me love her and it's making it physically painful to be with her."
Emy's concerned eyes looked over her friend's form and landed on her hands that were picking at the cuticles, surely as a result from the anxiety of this conversation. She reached across the table and clasped their hands together, holding Tegan's hands tightly.
"I just…," Tegan's voice wavered, "I don't know how much I can take of this. She's pushing me away and I'm afraid I'll have to leave her before I lose my sanity."
Emy held her friend's hand. That's all she could do.
