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Ch. 2 How'd I Get so Far From Where I Wanna Be

(PAIGE)

"You're the new waitress?!" Jay exclaims. I never cared what Jay thought of me in high school, I still don't but he knows people like Spinner who I'd rather not have find out.

"Don't tell anyone, not that I work here, not that I'm back, not anything. Don't tell them that you ever saw me please Jay," I beg but my voice is firm and commanding at the same time.

"Why?" He asks pinching his eyebrows together.

"Just don't okay it's a long story and I don't want anyone to know that I'm back."

"Okay I won't say anything but I want to hear this long story if I'm going to keep this secret," Jay says leaning back a little to silently say that I can either accept this or he'll tell.

"Fine just not tonight okay I need to get back to work, I'll get you a beer," I tell him turning around and walking back to the bar.

"Who's that?" Matt questions.

"He went to DeGrassi with me; he'd dropped out by the time you were teaching. I need a draft," I reply.

Matt gets me the beer and I take it back to Jay and get back to work attending to two other tables. Then three other guys come in, they were here last night and they all sit at Jay's table.

"Hey hot new waitress," one of the men says slapping my ass. Oddly I notice Jay tensing up slightly when his friend does this.

"Well you gentleman are back so soon, what can I get you to drink?" I ask.

"Two pitchers sweetheart and when are you going to wear that French maid outfit again? That was hot," he comments.

"Well if you're real good I'll wear it again soon," I reply with a smile and then turn around and gag. I have to stop myself from smacking them every time but it's part of the j-o-b and one that I need.

I get their pitchers and three more mugs taking them back to the table. Jay doesn't stay very long, nor does he join into the comments and groping of his friends whenever I come to their table. He leaves after only a couple of hours but his friends are here until well after midnight.

"I'm off tomorrow so you'll be on your own but the other bartenders and bouncers will keep an eye on you," Matt tells me as I drive us back to his place.

"I'll be fine there isn't much to the job other than stopping myself from hurting the men every time they grope me or make a comment."

"You know you should bring some of that lingerie home some time you look really hot in it," Matt tells me. I don't reply just keep driving and watching the road. "Did your shoes work better tonight?" Matt asks after a minute.

"Yeah those shoes were much better," I nod. I park at the apartment building and we go upstairs. "I'm going to shower the club is always stuffy," I tell him after hanging up my coat.

"Cool," Matt says pouring himself a shot.

Grabbing my pajamas from the dresser I go into the washroom, turning the water on all the way hot. I undress and the washroom starts to steam a little, I adjust the water until it's how I like it and step in. Relaxing under the warm water I forget about the club, the disgusting men but I can't forget about Jay. Thinking of Jay just makes me thing of everything, every day I ever spent at DeGrassi, friends I long ago lost touch with. Spinner comes to my mind a lot, Marco, Ash, Terri, Hazel, Jimmy and Craig. While I'm caught in my thoughts I don't notice the shower curtain opening or Matt stepping in. Not until I feel his hands, my eyes open and I turn around, he's gotten in with his shoes and clothes still on. He wears a lecherous smile and reeks of alcohol, I wonder how long I was day dreaming and how drunk he is or how high or both.

"Matt what are you doing?"

"I watched you all night long at work you were hot and now I want to make love to my girlfriend," he says and crushes his lips to mine. He's had so much to drink I'm getting buzzed just from kissing him and I push him away.

"You know I never agreed to be your girlfriend," I point out as he tries kissing my neck again. His pupils are dilated he's definitely high and on more than weed I'm guessing.

"But you moved in and I got you a job," he replies putting his arm around my waist and tries to push me against the wall but he loses his footing and starts to fall instead.

"Let me shower and lets not do it in the shower you can barely stand," I point out.

"I'm fine," he argues.

"Matt you're in the shower with your clothes on," I point out and he looks down at himself.

"Oh right," he grins and tries to get out of the bath but falls bringing down the shower curtain. "I'm good," he says hopping up.

"No you're high what did you take?" I question.

"Someone at the bar didn't have enough money to pay for their drinks and they payed me in weed it's really good weed," Matt grins.

"Okay I think you need to lie down," I remark turning off the water and grabbing a towel as he tries to untangle himself from the shower curtain.

"No I'm not tired, I'm hungry, really hungry I'm going to get some food you want some food?"

"No I'm going to bed," I reply.

Matt just walks out to the kitchen, either he's had more to drink or the pot he received was laced with something else. I get my pajamas on and fix the shower curtain before getting ready for bed. When I come out Matt's laughing at something on the TV as he downs a bag of cheese puffs, I go straight into the bedroom and to bed. I'm exhausted but I have trouble getting to sleep, tossing and turning and once I am asleep I wake up with a start after troubled dream. Gasping and sitting up I look around realizing I'm not in my dorm room but Matt's apartment. He's still not in bed and it's after five, I get up and go out to the kitchen for some water finding Matt still on the sofa watching TV and still eating.

"Hey you're awake," he says with a lewd look in his eye.

"I don't mean to be, had a bad dream," I reply going to the kitchen, "you know you need to go shopping, the only thing in your fridge is beer and peanut butter."

"I'll go today, have some bourbon it will help you sleep. Or you can try the pot, it's awesome," Matt tells me.

"And probably laced with something," I remark. I pour myself a glass of bourbon and swallow it down. After getting over the initial wooziness I just want to lie down and I go back to bed.

(JAY)

"Hey Jay," Spinner greets me when I walk into The Dot for lunch on Saturday.

"Hey give me a number four and a chocolate shake, extra fries," I order.

"You know you keep eating like this for lunch every day you're going to have a heart attack," Spin says ringing it up and I give him the money. "So you're coming tonight right?" He questions putting the money into the drawer and giving me my change.

"Tonight?"

"Yeah Studz is playing at Above the Dot remember?"

"Right, yeah I'll be there," I nod.

"Cool everyone is going to be there," Spin smiles.

"Not everyone Pa…" I begin and then stop myself I did promise not to say anything and with the history she has with Spinner I should probably hear her story first. "Uh Ellie won't be there she's still in B.C. and Marco's in Belgium or whatever," I cover quickly.

"Sweden dude, Marco moved to Sweden to be with Dylan now that's true love," Spin says handing me my shake.

"Right Dylan, Paige's older brother," I nod.

"You alright you're acting sort of weird," Spin remarks.

"Yeah I'm fine just had a weird night last night, I should let you get back to work. What time does the show start tonight?"

"We go on at nine," Spin says.

I nod and sit down at an empty table; a waitress brings me my food after a few minutes. As it's Saturday the café is pretty full of people. Holly J is working, so is Peter, his girlfriend is here sitting with Emma. Sav is eating with Anya and several other DeGrassi students are here wasting their Saturday. I eat lunch and wave to Spinner as I leave, it's only two and Carnal Club doesn't open until six but Paige probably gets there early to help open. Still I have some time so I run some errands and then I drive to Carnal Club, parking where I have a good view of the cars coming in and then I wait until I see Paige drive in. I get out and go over to her car stopping her from getting out, she looks at me taking her hand off the handle and I run around to the passenger side getting in.

"Okay so tell me this long story," I assert and Paige sighs.

"When I left for Banting everything was great, I moved at the same time as my parents when my dad's company transferred him to Montreal. I loved my dorm room and couldn't wait to start my classes and for the first couple of weeks things were good. I was doing well in my classes, met a guy that I liked, I was happy and doing well. Then there was just so much work, it became harder, I was spending so much time on homework and study for tests. Ron, the guy I was with, gave me some pills the kind truck drivers use to stay awake. It worked but the more I took the worse I felt and the less I could sleep. We started fighting all the time and then I found out he was cheating. And then I don't know I started breaking down, after I ended things with him my classes just seemed to get harder and harder. More work, more lab time, more volunteer hours I couldn't keep up and then we had a pop quiz and I looked at the page none of it made sense. I suddenly couldn't breathe, I passed out and woke up in the student medical center, they said I had a panic attack. My professor said I could make up the test but wanted me to do it the very next day. I stayed up to study and fell asleep, I had a coffee pot on which I accidently left on even though the carafe was off of it and some papers got onto the coffee pot hot plate and started a fire. They found those stay awake pills in my dorm and labeled them drugs and I got kicked out. Everything fell apart before I even knew it was unraveling. So now I'm back, I came back a failure and I can't even tell my parents I got kicked out of my mom's alma mater," she tells me tearing up a little and without looking at me.

"Won't the school call them or something?"

"They're sending a letter and refunding part of my tuition. My parents are leaving for Sweden on Monday to visit Dylan and Marco in Sweden. They'll be gone for three weeks by the time they get back I can be gone I'll earn enough money to get a train ticket to L.A. or something," she tells me.

"That sounds like a really terrible plan," I comment.

"Yeah well it's the only one I have right now. You have no idea what my parents are like, the expectations they have for us. I can't tell them I failed and knowing I failed I can't face my parents again. I told you my story I need to get work but please don't tell anyone I'm here. I won't be for long and I'd rather just not have anyone know I slinked back to Toronto a failure. Right now I have to get to work," Paige says getting out of the car.

I watch her walk into the club and then get out of the car locking the doors. I always knew Paige was stubborn but hiding, working in a strip club it seems unlike her. Not that I really know Paige at all, I really only saw the headstrong, bitch queen of DeGrassi. Alex fell in love with her, so did Spinner I always knew she was hot but there never seemed to be much to her other than being popular and needing to be the best obviously I was wrong. I also feel like she's holding back, left something out maybe.

The club opens in a few minutes and as soon as the doors open I go in. Sitting at a table close to the bar as I'm less interested in the show and more interested in watching Paige, she's on the edge and ready to jump off. I've always had a gift for knowing when a girl was on the edge and ready to jump, I used to take advantage of it like I did with Alex and Emma but now I want to make sure she doesn't jump. I watch the show but keep an eye on Paige, until leaving a little after 8:30 to go see Spin and the Studz at Above the Dot.

"Hey Jay," Sean greets me getting out of his car and Emma gets out of the passenger seat and she smiles at me.

"Hey guys," I nod and follow them up the stairs.

The club is already packed but we find a spot neat the stage and Peter introduces the band. After a couple of songs Emma drags Sean out to the dance floor. Studz plays for an hour before taking a break; Spin gets off the stage sweaty and waves to us before kissing Jane.

"You guys sound good tonight, you oughta play at bigger clubs," I say to Spinner.

"We're working on it," Spin says.

"I tried to get Lucas to come tonight but he'd rather drink in the ravine," Jane rolls her eyes.

"At least he can't get into too much trouble at the ravine," I remark.

"You got into plenty of trouble at the ravine," Spinner comments.

He hangs with us for a few minutes before he goes back on stage to play a second set. The second set ends at 11:30 and Spin gets off stage. The band all gets drinks and food sitting at a table with their girlfriends.

"Nice set guys I gotta run," I tell them walking to their table.

"You got work in the morning?" Spinner questions.

"Uh yeah work, see you," I say waving as I leave. I actually do have work tomorrow but we don't open until ten on Sundays. I leave Above the Dot and drive back to Carnal Club.

"You're back," Paige says bringing me a beer.

"How can you work in a place like this?" I question.

"You patron this place," she shoots back.

"That's kind of my point the Paige Michalchuk I know would never work in a place like this."

"Don't kid yourself Jay you don't know me and you never have," she quips back and then turns around walking back to the bar.

"Well she didn't lose her wit."

(PAIGE)

"We don't have to go to work for a while," Matt says smoking the last of the joint and putting it out in the ashtray.

"Isn't that why we just got high? It gets really hard to work when I'm high," I giggle.

I've been back in Toronto for eight days now, I had the last two days off but now it's Friday and I have to go back in. For some reason Jay's been there every night I've been working. At first I didn't think anything of it, I work at a club with lots of naked women, well nearly naked, women who are extremely hot. However he tends to sit alone and seems to watch me just as much, if not more, than the girls on stage. He actually keeps a better eye on me than Matt and the other bartenders do. I haven't asked him why I figure it's just better not to, maybe he's atoning for past sins or something.

I'm used to working at the club now but I hate it. It's boring and it's the same every night, getting horny drunk guys beer and not breaking their hands when they slap or grab my ass. Still the money is pretty good, I know how to get tips and since Matt doesn't charge me rent and pays for food I've been able to save most of it. He doesn't charge me rent but he does have sex with me pretty much every night. I could stop him I guess but if he kicks me out I have nowhere else to go, I could hide out at my parent's house but only until they come home. Anyway it's not like I tell him no, it's not rape I just lie there and let him. I don't stop him because…well I'm not entirely sure why, part of me feels like I owe him, part of me just doesn't care, part of me is afraid to fight and there may be other reasons too. Honestly I just try not to think about it much. I do drink quite often, usually when getting home from work it helps me sleep and helps me forget about work and get through Matt fucking me after work. Recently I've been smoking pot before work as well, a couple hours before so I'm not totally buzzed at work but it calms me done and helps me get through. Bottom line I'm coping, that's all I'm doing just coping and getting through.

"Yeah and I know a way to burn it off," Matt grins leaning down and pushing me to the sofa.

"Matt we need to get work," I reply turning my head as he kisses my neck.

"Not for a couple of hours," he responds.

"Okay but I'm not in the mood," I tell him. I give in after work but I don't want to deal with this now.

He huffs and gets off me, going into the kitchen for some water. He doesn't look happy but he doesn't say anything either. Instead he goes to shower and seems to be in a better mood when he comes out. He gets some food from the kitchen and we watch the game until it's time to leave for work. I drive us and we go in through the employee door. I go to my locker to get out my shoes; Matt puts his stuff into his locker and then comes over to me snaking an arm around my waist.

"Wear something especially sexy tonight," he says smacking my ass.

It's bad enough when the customers do it but when the customers do it but when my own "boyfriend" smacks my ass and gropes me I really want to slap him. Matt goes out to the bar and I go to the dressing room to pick out something to wear tonight. There's teddies and nighties but I can never bring myself to wear them because it feels like what I generally wear to bed and then it feels wrong. I like the corset dresses they're generally comfortable and cover a good deal; we have several that are costume like. I've worn the French Maid one a few times, there's also a nurse one the men really like and I've worn that one a couple of times. Tonight I go for one I haven't worn before, red Chinese style and goes up to my neck but with a huge plunging neckline. It has gorgeous Chinese dragons embroidered onto it and I can wear red fishnets with it the guys love that, especially when they can see the end of the stockings below the hem of the dress, which they always can because the corset dresses barely cover my ass.

"Mmm you look hot in red you should wear that home," Matt says.

"We can't take the lingerie home," I reply grabbing my stuff as the doors open and customers start coming in.

I start taking orders from my section and grabbing beers and drinks, occasionally an appetizer. Jay comes in about half an hour after we open sitting at a table with some of the guys from his work. The other guys from his work have been in a few nights since I began working, and I'm sure many nights before that. Jay always sits there sipping a beer and never saying anything or slapping my ass, or the other waitresses, like the other guys from his work. Tonight they're sitting in Kirsten's section and not mine but that doesn't mean I won't serve them because we cover each other's sections sometimes. I continue to work; Jay continues to watch me about as much as the girls on stage.

"That guy is here an awful lot," Matt remarks nodding toward Jay when I go to get a pitcher of beer for another table.

"Most of the guys in here are here a lot," I reply taking the pitcher. I take it to the table and then turn to get the order from a table of guys that just came in.

"Well hey there Spirit."

I freeze when I hear that voice again, seeing him is even worse, I can't think at all. Dean smiles at me and I want to vomit.

"Hey sexy you going to get us our beer?" One of Dean's friends asks and grabs my ass breaking me from my thoughts.

"Yeah Spirit get us our beer," Dean says.

I turn around and walk to the bar; I don't have a witty remark or a flirty reply. I tell Matt to get me the pitcher of beer and take it back to the table. As I begin to approach Dean switches sheets with another guy so that he's by me when I set the pitcher down.

"Anything else?" I ask.

"Yeah Spirit why don't you sit here on my lap and have a drink with us," Dean says slapping my ass and then he grabs my waist trying to pull me into his lap.

"HEY!" Klaus, one of the bouncers, yells coming over. "Do not touch the waitresses like that," Klaus says taking my arm and pulling me away from Dean.

I walk back to the bar and get back to work doing my best to just not look at Dean. I manage to avoid his table when they need a refill by telling Rachel I need a break to eat. I go into the kitchen grabbing a burger and eat in the locker room. When I come back out Dean comes over to me, he approaches me and I drop the glass of beer I'm holding.

"I don't remember you being so clumsy Spirit," Dean grins as I clean up the beer then he follows me to the bar where Matt has another waiting.

"Why don't you come out with us when you get off Spirit," Dean says.

"Hey you've been warned once now sit down at the table and enjoy the show," Matt tells him.

"I'll be back Spirit this just became my favorite place," Dean grins smacking my ass again before turning around and walking back to his table.

It's actually not Dean that gets him and his friends tossed out but one of his friends instead. After four pitchers and three shots one of his friends tries to crawl onto the stage to dance with Diamond. This is one thing they can't do and the whole table of guys gets tossed out for the rest of the night including Dean. With Dean gone I can concentrate on work again and I make it through the rest of the night. Since Dean was here Jay's been watching me a lot closer, he didn't get up or say anything while Dean was here but Jay doesn't know who Dean is and Dean wasn't doing anything worse than some other drunk and overzealous customers. Not that I really expected Jay to do anything about it, why he comes to watch me on the nights I'm here is still a mystery to me. Jay doesn't leave until the bouncers tell everyone to get out because it's closing time.

"You want a drink?" Matt asks when we're back at the apartment.

"Yeah I'm going to get ready for bed," I tell him.

He gets down the bourbon and I go into the bedroom, I start to undress for bed and he comes in. Putting his arm around my waist and kissing my jaw as he hands me the glass. I drink it down while he takes off my bra. He gets off my bra and grabs my breasts trying to kiss me but I turn and push him away.

"Not tonight Matt that was Dean, as in the guy that raped me, remember I told you about him when we were dating. Seeing him again tonight was hard I just want to go to bed," I tell him.

"You didn't want to do it this afternoon, now you don't want to do it? I was watching you get groped all night and bounce around," Matt growls grabbing my wrists.

"That's my job Matt and I'm not having sex tonight," I hiss at him.

"Yes you will," Matt snarls louder pushing me back onto the bed as he squeezes my arms with excruciating force.

When I'm forced to the bed I'm suddenly back in that room at the party with Dean on top of me. I surge with adrenaline and kick him away from with all my power.

"NO I WON'T!" I scream as I kick him. Matt falls back hitting his head on the dresser and he goes limp!

Yes yes I know a terrible cliffhanger and I'm a terrible person, be glad the update is not a month away. The update will be Saturday picking up from right here.