Chapter 2.1 - The Malfoy Estate
I arrive at the Malfoy's estate and Narcissa's thin arms immediately bombard me. I can tell she is trying to save face; she doesn't want to be like this. I wonder what my mother would say.
"Thank you, Mrs. Malfoy, for your hospitality."
The words are laced with gratuity but I feel as if they are mechanical.
"It is no problem at all, dear. I do hope you enjoy yourself."
I nod to her, not unkindly.
Draco shows me my room. It's three doors down the hall from his and we have a common bathroom between the two of us.
Nott manor isn't as large as this but I am nothing more than mildly surprised we are sharing a washroom. I'm just happy he's left me on my own for the night. If there is one thing I appreciate about our friendship, it's that we can read one another.
I strip down and get in bed. I lay there, thinking about what it must feel like to act like a real 11-year-old. Maybe I'll find out. I'm free until June. I allow myself a smile. A real smile, until I'm in tears.
I'm crying for my mother and her untimely death, for my father and how wicked he has always been, for my small escape and myself. Tears of hate, despair, and joy are all leaking from my eyes and I don't think I've ever felt this many emotions at once. It's difficult and I vow to never do this again. No more tears will be shed.
I must be silent. I must keep the thunder inside. Don't let it come out to play. Not yet.
My mother taught me a lot of things when we were away from my father's watchful eye. He thought she was making me soft. Maybe she did, but I'm grateful for that. I will never be like him. He is bitter and full of hatred. She was kindhearted and taught me things others never could. She told me I must learn to hide who I am in this world we are living in. She said that everyone hid who he or she truly was unless they were simply evil or foolish.
Her words are constantly ringing in my ears. It's like she's here giving me advice and lecturing me on my outburst. I can hear her loud and clear in my head, but when she would tell me these things, it was always in a hushed voice, a whisper here and there.
They will try to bury you, Teddy, if you don't conform to their ways. There is something they don't know, though. You are a seed, Teddy. If they try to bury you, you will only grow stronger. Let them think what they want, but you're much more than them - more than your father, already.
She told me much more, many things I have never understood. I still recite her words in my head, I must hold on to her. She's going to save me in the end.
I finally fall asleep humming a song she used to sing to me. I've never heard it anywhere else, she knew so much and I'll never know how she learned all of it. The trials and tribulations that she must have faced to make her so wise…
Come sit beside me, my only son
Wont you listen
To what I say
If you do this
It will help you some day
Take it slow dear
Don't live too fast
Because troubles will come
And troubles will pass
You'll find a woman
And you'll find love
Just remember my son
There is someone up above
Be a simple kind of man
Be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Wont you do this for me son
If you can
Don't you worry
You'll find yourself
Follow your heart
And nothing else
You can do this if you try
All that I want from you my son
Is to be satisfied
I wake with a jolt, startled when I don't know where I am. I see my bags and realize that I'm at Malfoy manor. I hear a light breathing outside my door and wonder briefly exactly who is standing there.
"Theodore, dear, breakfast is ready. Just how you like it." Her smile is soft.
"Yes, ma'am. I'm up." My voice is thick and it's obvious that I am not up.
"We are eating on the terrace. It's a nice day, we couldn't let it go to waste, could we?" she steps back from my door and she's gone.
"No, we couldn't." I mutter under my breath.
I know what that is… What she's implying. She wants today to be a good day. She wants us to be happy. My mother may be gone but I remember her distinguished mannerisms. I see them in Draco's mom. I need a moment to breathe. I try to count to ten but Draco is at my door when I hit six.
"What's got your knickers in a twist, Nott?"
I have to fight off this emotional crap.
Shallow waters are noisy, deep waters are silent. Bury it deep, Theo.
I throw my emotions into the pit or the ocean or whatever it is I do with them. Maybe I burn them; maybe that's why I can't get rid of them because the flames are engulfing me from the inside out?
"Not wearing any." I smirk and stand up, changing the atmosphere in the room immediately. I'm eleven, at an awkward stage in puberty, and I don't care.
"What the bloody hell! Put some fucking pants on! I don't want to see your nads! Christ!"
"What was that I just heard? Was that a muggle reference?" I laugh at him; such a hypocrite. His face contorts and its clear he doesn't understand.
I pull my trousers over my waist and pop the band.
"What are you talking about?"
"Christ… You don't know?"
"Know what?" He snaps, clearly miffed he's missing out on something seemingly important.
"It's a savior or a god or something. A religious thing."
"How do you know?"
"Where have you heard it?" I demand of him. My mother used to say that phrase when she was annoyed with something tedious. I knew father hated it because I would see his features tighten and his face become dark. I finally asked her about it and she actually laughed over it.
Draco's jaw tightens, "My governess."
"Governess? As in – "
"Yes, damn it. Don't bring it up again. Let's go eat breakfast before Mother has a come apart."
"Whatever you say." I pull a shirt over my head and follow him out of the room.
"Your hair is dreadful."
"Yours looks like my grandfathers."
"Fuck off."
"You know, you could make your point without being so vulgar."
He looks at me as if I'm stupid, "Nott. Don't tell me your going to be a little girl, now. Jesus, your father –"
I really couldn't hold back my snort at this point. I've got to meet this governess and see what game she's playing at. It's too good not to be intentional. He's clueless and all for good reason, but I wont let him get caught referencing muggles around anyone important.
"What the fuck is it, Nott?"
"You. Keep. Referencing. Muggles. Have you never thought maybe you shouldn't repeat something unless you know what it is?"
"Are you fucking kidding me? Goddamn it!"
Tears. I have tears streaming down my face and the laughter is loud. I know his parents have heard me. The low moan of a chair being scraped across the ground sounds. I take deep breaths to stifle my snickers in enough time to tell Draco I will explain it all to him later. Lucius steps through the French doors and beckons us to the terrace.
"Narcissa is going to throw a fit if the two of you do not join us, now." His silver eyes are narrowed, jumping between the two of us.
Lucius isn't to be messed with but he's not going to harm us like my father so willingly would. He would make us do something tedious and 'beneath us'… house elf work, possibly. I wouldn't doubt it if he would taunt us for it afterwards.
I eat fried toast and runny eggs. Draco is picking over a little of everything his mother plated for him. Spoilt.
"Theodore, I do hope you slept well?"
"Yes, ma'am." I keep my words short and try not to sound clipped. I am grateful to be here, but she is so motherly it hurts. I can barely manage to look at her. I keep my attention on my food. I can feel her eyes on me. She's searching me… trying to read me… I wonder what she thinks.
"Lucius, dear, can you take Draco to inspect the work in the gardens?"
"Absolutely, love."
They are gone and I still haven't looked at her. I don't know what to do. It's awkward and I wish I could go back inside. I wish I could follow Draco and Lucius.
"Theodore."
It is not a request; I have to look at her. I shut my eyes tight and will myself to keep control. After a sharp intake of breath, I allow my eyes to meet hers and I hate what I see. She's crying. Her shoulders are not heaving and her breath isn't labored, either. She has silent tears cascading down her angular cheeks and my heart drops.
Silent tears.
That's the only way to cry in this world. Silently. So no one knows unless they are looking directly at you. Even then, you declare it a trick of light.
Keep it in the core, Theo.
"No, no, what is it? I… I… What did I do? I'm sorry… I am very grateful to be in your home. I truly appreciate this. Thank you for your hospitality. You have been more than—"
She holds her hand up to silence me. I don't know what's running through her mind and I wish for the first time that I could do whatever it is that my father does. Whatever it will take to keep her tears from falling.
"Stop. I do not feel disrespected in the slightest." Her voice is even and I wonder if she was crying after all.
"Yes, ma'am." I keep it short, scared to engage in more than what she wants to talk about.
"It's that!" she whispers with clear disdain.
"What is it, if I may ask?" I don't understand why she's so upset. I am certainly being respectful.
At that, the tears began to flow more freely and I don't know what to do but stare at her and my mouth is gaping. All I can see is my mother's tears, fresh and hot on her face. There's no denying it any longer. Narcissa Malfoy is crying in front of me.
"Teddy, can you tell me about it?"
"About… What?" Why is she being vague?
"Of course not. I understand. I suppose I wouldn't, either."
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know if it keeps you from crying." My words are still clipped but now they are demanding. I can't help it, my control is wavering and I need her to understand. I don't know what this pull is to make sure she is happy but I am determined.
Maybe I want to please her in ways that I could never please my father. Maybe it's because my ability to get along with women is much more natural than the forced conversations I have with men.
It's your mother. She made you soft and she made you worthless.
My father's words ring in my ears and I bite the inside of my cheek until I taste the blood that's pooling around my tongue. I swallow it down with a sip of water and run my tongue over my teeth to remove any evidence I can.
"Tell me everything you can. About your father," I flinch but she continues, "Your mother," I feel myself going ridged in my chair, "Yourself."
"Um, I will try… There are things I'd rather not… share."
"Tell me, sweetheart, are you going to stay here every summer or are you comfortable going home?"
"I couldn't impose every summer… that would be…"
"Completely reasonable and you will if I deem it so!" She snapped and her face turned from sad tears to steaming anger.
"Yes, I will stay here." She visibly relaxes; I can tell that this is what she wants. She's not one to deny. Draco certainly gets this trait from her.
"Good, now that we have that settled… Why can't you look at me?"
I'm shocked. I knew she noticed but I didn't expect that she would be so forward. I don't want to tell her that she reminds me of my dead mother.
"I will look at you. I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean to hurt you."
She waits for me to elaborate. The words that begin spilling out of my mouth.
"My mother told me things. She told me that I am powerful in ways that others are not. I don't know if I believe her… I don't know what she meant; I suppose I will find out, soon. She said because of this, I have to be in control. I have to keep my thunder rolling beneath the surface, in my core. I base everything I do off things that she told me. She is my humility, my passion to do what is right; she made me empathetic, and honest when it is acceptable. She also taught me the master of deceiving; I know how to front like Thoros Nott… if I so please. Everything that I am and everything I strive to be is for her."
Narcissa's tears pick up pace and at this point she's blinking profusely to remove them. I make to get up and hug her. Is this a breaking point between us? Will I be able to see her as more than just someone whose every move reminds me of my mother? I touch her trembling hand and she wraps her arms around me.
"Your mother would be so proud."
"Believing that she is proud is what gets me through."
"She is, Teddy."
I shudder at the pet name. It's different coming from her rather than from Draco's sarcastic tongue.
"If you can so easily be what your father wants you to be, why will you not do that? Wouldn't that be simple? Would he stop?"
"I don't care about pleasing him. Not anymore."
"Of course, but Theo…"
"Yes?"
"You should know that it would make things—"
"It would form a false relationship and I have no desire to have one with him, at all." I mentally berate myself. Why am I telling her all of this?
"Would you allow me to look? Briefly into your mind?"
"Wh— what could come of that? Why do you want to do that?"
"I would like to see first hand, your father. I want to know what he really is when he is alone and in control. Some wizards will act one way when they are truly another."
"I don't think…"
"I'll stop if it becomes too painful. I know this is difficult."
"Mrs. Malfoy, I don't…"
"Theo, dear, I'm afraid I'm not giving you much of an option, I need to know. I am on your side... you should know this. You have my word, I will stop if becomes too painful."
"I… well… okay. What do I do?" I have to get this over with. I can't believe this.
Remain in control.
"It will be quick, just close your eyes and open your mind."
I nod my head stiffly. I don't like this at all.
Control.
Keep it in the core.
I feel like I'm twirling, as if I'm walking on a bridge through one of those tunnels at a muggle amusement park, where the walls turn and you're walking sideways. The sensation stops as suddenly as it started and I find a younger version of myself lying in bed and my mother is singing to me.
Then, the vision changes and I see my 6th birthday. I remember it very well, because after all of my friends left, I told mother I wanted to watch the kids in the village play.
This memory is coming in flashes and I don't want it to go any further.
Control.
Mother tells me no, we can't see the other children play today. I don't have to wonder why.
Flash.
I run through my room and out onto the balcony. I can hear them out here; that will have to do.
Flash.
I hear my bedroom door slam shut and my body jumps of it's own accord.
I need to regain control.
"What did you just ask your mother?"his voice is nothing more than a venomous rasp. I'm scared to turn around and face him. I want to act as if he isn't there. Stupidly, this is what I do. I silently look out onto the grounds of the manor and I hope for a savior… God.
"Theodore, I know you heard me. Now, turn around. Face me like a man. And tell me: what did you say to your mother?"
There is no God. No God would let this happen. No God. There is no God.
This memory has to stop. Narcissa cannot see this. I can feel my stomach twist and I resist the urge to vomit.
Keep it in the core, Theo. Keep it down.
BURY IT.
"Imperio"
Ironically it's the spell that allows me to gain back what little control I have over my mind at the point. I can't let this go on any further.
I run out of that memory and into another. Mother is talking and no matter how much I try to focus, I don't know what she's saying. She has a look of utter fear on her face and I can help but wonder where my subconscious is taking me… I don't remember this. I can't let Narcissa intrude on this. I don't even know what this is.
Rule your mind or it will rule you.
I push out. I can't see this right now. I'm back and I find myself on the floor of the terrace and Narcissa is shaking above me. I can see her confusion and I can't say I'm surprised. I have confused myself. I don't even know what that memory was.
"How did you do that?"
"How did I do what?"
"Push me out?"
"I didn't want you to see."
"Have you… have you had practice with this?"
"With this? I don't even know what this is."
"Theodore, this is very powerful magic. Magic that someone at the age of eleven should not be able to fight off… You are sure this has never happened before?"
I think about how horrible that experience was. How I could barely keep her out. I would remember something like this, something this blatant.
"I'm positive."
"Your mother, she was right."
"Right? About what, exactly?"
"You are powerful. This will be kept between us."
I nod my head at her and strut out of the room. She can't blame me for this slight show of disrespect. That's not what I mean of it and I am freaking out right now. I go back to my room and try to remember. What was that vision? What was she saying?
xx
The song that Theo remembers in this chapter is Simple Man.. It came out in the early 70's.
