disclaimer:same as before kingdome hearts dose not belong to me and i'm just a kid trying to make people read more yaoi
today i am dirty
and i want to be pretty
we are nobodies
just wanna somebodies
-Marilyn manson
Yesterday I walked out of my own house. I didn't look back.
I didn't see my mother crying or my father trying to comfort her, and most of all I didn't see my boyfriend standing on my porch beside my parents staring at my back as I ran.
I'm selfish
I'm a prick
I only care about myself
I feel no regret
My eyes are stinging with tears. This is ridiculous I mentally chide myself for acting like a wimp. All my pain is self inflicted and I brought it all on myself. The drugs, the alcohol I couldn't stop. Hell I still can't. I had always told myself I would never do the heavy drugs like meth, heroine, crack, but look at me now world class fuckup and the biggest disappointment my parents ever saw.
"Riku." A voice yells out my name. My hearts pounding in my throat I can barely breathe. My ribs ache it hurts when I intake breath. "Riku." My name is called louder. I know he's getting closer. But I can't stop my legs from pushing themselves harder. It's like I'm running on air I can't feel anything anymore.
Then it all happens so fast. I'm running, then I'm falling, and I hate when I fall. My legs are tangled in his; he's on top of me pinning my arms on my side. "Why do you run, all the time you can't run from me Riku, I won't ever let you win." Axel said breathlessly. My throat is burning I can barely breathe. "Why don't you just leave me alone, are you stupid?" I yell at him. I instantly regret saying those hurtful words.
"Am I?" he questions back. "Riku do you want me to let you go forever? Am I stupid for loving you?" my eyes are stinging as new tear's creep down my pale face. I feel his bony hips digging into mine. "I'm sorry, Axel." I whisper. I know I could never leave him. "Promise you won't run anymore babe." Axel said quietly letting go of my arms. I lay quietly. "I promise I will never run from you again." Axel smiles at this and rests his head on the crook of my neck. I put my arms around him.
If anyone was to walk and see this happening it would look extremely weird considering Axel is about 6' while I'm 5'6 at best. Axel's long body felt so nice, the warmth made me smile made, I want to laugh again and live a normal life. I feel a soft vibration on the side of my thigh. Then some music playing. "Axel, I need to grab my cell phone." He rolls off me and I feel cold again.
"Hello." The voice on the other line is cold and harsh, "you stupid whore get your ass down here I need you." He says. I frown "Leon I can't I'm done with you I owe you nothing all my debts are paid." He laughs on the other line sending a shiver up my spine.
"You forgot one." He said in a singsong voice. I hated that voice it was him taunting me always making me take the first hit, making the first move. He always knew how to piss me off. "Fuck off." I said trying to sound like my cool collected self. Cold laughter rings through the receiver. "See you around kid." I hear laughter once more before a click ending our conversation.
Axel sat quietly staring at me. I felt vulnerable, and weak. "I was never like that you know..." I said aloud snapping the dolly day dream back to reality. "Like what?" He questioned back. I smile. "I was never weak, remember?" Axel smiled. "How could I not 4th grade you almost sent the 7th grader to the hospital."
I smile again. "Do you remember why?" I say smirking. Axel's face scrunches trying to remember. "I don't know." He finally admits. "It was because he kicked sand in your face then next thing I knew I was on top of him punching as hard as I could." I finish for him. "It seems like we switched places like you took on the role of protector." Axel simply nods at me.
"But I know your not weak, it's just that sometimes I need to toughen up so that you know I'll catch you when you fall." I sit staring back into his bright green eyes. "I bet mom's still balling her eyes out." I say coldly. I watch Axel cringe. "Riku she's your god damn mother why do you act like that to her?" he yells. I stand up. "She's a whore a fucking worthless piece of shit; she ruined me and everything I had." I yell in return.
"My own mother sold me at 14 to Leon, and now, now she's saying it was my entire fault, it always is." I gently dust off my pants and look at me shoes for non existent scuff marks.
"At least you have parents." Axel shoots back. I glare angrily. "You want my parent's Axel? then fucking take them, have your father sexually abusing you since you were 12 and fucking a man who's 11 years older then you because your mom sold you like you were her fucking possession for needle of heroine." I didn't even realize I was screaming. I see people watching intently.
It looks like I had completely forgotten we were in a public place. "I'm starting to think that this isn't going to work Riku." Axel says. When the last word passes through his lips I feel it happening again. All that pain surfacing those thoughts coming back.
I'm selfish
I'm a prick
I only care about myself
I feel no regret
But this time I am guilty. Guilty of never blaming myself for being this way by choice. Instead I'm always blaming him. My boyfriend who I used to tell everyday I loved him and those words now I barely speak.
I wonder if it hurts him to know that I'm such a whore. It makes me think does he cry when he's alone whishing things were back to normal again. Like when we used to run around playing tag.
But I guess were too old for those games. I only play one game and that's gambling. I gamble my life, everything I have to win one thing. Drugs. I guess it's the only thing that keeps me going even though everyone hates me I crawl into his arms. Leon. He always wanted to love me when all his other whores were gone, or when he and his girlfriend Larxene had a fight.
I was an object of desire for most. No one could touch me. I want to fly away it's always been humans dreams to fly. Soaring above the city but the closest to flying I'll ever be is snorting a line of coke in the middle of a dirty crack house. Reality comes back to me as I feel a fist connecting to my jaw.
"Riku wake the fuck up and look around you, there is things people regret doing and you have to forget about it and move on you went along with it by choice by keeping your mouth shut, you think everything is so damn hard but it's not." I raise a hand to my jaw. I can already feel it swelling.
"I know what I've done but I've been punished for years for shit I've never done, I've been arrested 6 times, possession of narcotics, underage drinking, vandalism, drinking and driving, fleeing from the police, breaking and entering and guess what, Leon did it, he hid the drugs, got me caught on purpose for a laugh, and know what? no one is laughing."
I feel rage welling in my chest. I hate them all because I'm an escape route. Nothing more but less than dirt. I'm a used possession that anyone have for a night or a couple of hours for 50 bucks and a dealer for a strong man.
"Riku, I hate you when your like this! before you used to tell me you loved me everyday and now when I say it, i dont get it back." Axel screams at me.
"What do you want me to do Axel? say it when I dont feel it, I can't feel anything anymore, I hate everything but Idont hate you." I reply. I know it's true how could I hate the man I took a bullet for a couple of months back.
I never told Axel this but I knew who those men were, Leon's hit men, I was getting to involved with Axel, and he new eventually I would leave him.
"I know Riku, i'm sorry about what I said before I can't not love you babe." Axel replied. I felt Axel's warm hand in mine and he led me back towards my house.
"I'll make it right, just for you Axel." I said sqeezing his hand. Axel shakes his head at me. " Don't just do it for me, do it for yourslef." he replies. I simply nod.
"And for the record I do love you more than anything in the world." I added in my head.
we were still so young, and I truly did belive that with Axel, everything would be all right. It's like wht those cheap romantic films always say, its better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.
Ahhh, yes I did just end off with a pathetic cliche. lol
but until the next chapter
read and review friends tell me what you think
