Chapter 2. Feared Not Loved

After the server took our orders and left, I reflexively reached up and started rubbing the back of my head again.

"Bad haircut?" Rachel grinned at me.

I rolled my eyes. Luckily her little experiment had only lost me a dime size spot of hair just behind my ear. My hair was so short there anyway it didn't really matter but she was absolutely delighted that it had worked.

No, I was trying to think how to bring up her little admission of weakness on our way over here. She said she felt like no one wanted to be in the same room with her or talk to her. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

"Paul, stop looking at me like you're ready to start crying."

"So Rach," I began hesitantly, "you um, didn't have fun in high school?"

"What?"

"Well, I mean, on the way over here, you mentioned–," I paused awkwardly.

Why was I bringing this up? I'd be lucky to escape this conversation without her throwing the saltshaker at me. I quickly checked to see what the damage would be if I ducked. Thankfully this restaurant had thought to put in high dividers between the booths so the blonde behind me was safe for now.

Rachel raised her eyes at me questioningly. "Yes, and…."

"Well," I took a deep breath and continued, "It sounded like you didn't have many friends. From high school I mean; since you, er, said there weren't people here you could hang out with. Well, except me of course."

She studied me for a moment before responding. "People didn't like me in high school, Paulie. They feared me. Maybe not quite as much as you do…did…do?" She arched her brow at me with a sort of half smile. "But they feared me, kept me at a distance, wished I would just go away. I finally gave them their wish and stayed in college as long as I could. No, I wouldn't exactly say I have friends from high school to hang out with if that's what you're asking."

"But," I was shocked. How could she believe that? "You had the whole school worshipping the ground you walked on. When what's-his-name, Becky's crazy Christian friend, was suspended for walking out of Biology when they were studying evolution, you organized a school-wide protest. You were valed-freaking-victorian."

"Yeah, no doubt people revered me. That doesn't mean they liked me. To them, I was this scary unpredictable…" She trailed off with a wave of her hand and then grinned "…werewolf?"

I ignored the werewolf comment, too shocked by the realization that what she had just described pretty much summed up the way I felt about her through high school. But that was me. She was nice to everyone else.

Rachel sighed, "Look Paul, everyone liked Becky. At home, at school, she was easy to get along with, happy to go along with the flow. You know that."

I fidgeted uncomfortably as her words forcibly jarred a memory and request I had made sure to forget since it had weirded me out so thoroughly at the time. Now it all made sense. Apparently, Mrs. Black knew her daughter. She got it right and would never be able to tell her.

Had she had some premonition she would die soon? Is that why she left the message to me? Well I sure as hell wasn't going to try to explain it to Rachel right now, not here, not in a restaurant.

I settled for merely shrugging. "I don't know Rach. Maybe on the surface that's the way things looked. I always got along better with you." It was true too. With Becky, things were light, happy, easy, but never meaningful. With Rachel, in spite of all the crap she dished out at me day-to-day, she always took the time to really know me, to know what I was thinking and feeling. Most of the time this was with the intension of later using it against me. But even so, she treated me like family.

She smiled and shook her head. "Eat your fries. You're delusional."

Nope. I was in love.