Chapter One: My life, and other crappy existences.

Yeah. I guess I could say my life pretty much sweeps the stakes at the Crappy Life awards. Or, would do, had there been such thing as a Crappy Life award. And, besides, I wouldn't have been popular enough to enter, anyway. So it kind of demeans the whole point of the Imaginary contest so.whatever.

As I wondered down the corridor, not knowing that in three minutes and forty five seconds I was about to make an utter cad of myself, I thought about life on the ship in general. Y'know. Such things as:

1. Sitting by myself in the Mess.

2. Sitting by myself on the bridge. Which, you may think, well.yeah, so does everyone else. We all have assigned spaces, don't we? But, y'see, when things get boring on the bridge, people have a talk and a laugh. I just sit there listening, not allowed to laugh because of my un-popularity.

3. Going to bed every night just knowing that, after the six hours of non- committal bliss I have each night, I'm going to have to get up again and face life, my existence and everything.

And, of course,

4. Knowing that I'm not pretty, not rich, not popular, and not liked. Period.

Life sucks.

I remember I kid like me back at school used to have a rhyme he'd sing whenever people were picking on him. It went something like:

Life sucks, life is gay: Heart disease and tooth decay. Life's a cow and then you die, So screw the world and lets get high!

Danny, the boy, was, of course, on drugs. There was no other explanation for it. I, on the other hand, have never touched drugs, alcohol or boys. Especially boys.

Wandering along the corridor, thinking these things to myself, I was, of course, looking at my feet. Ask anyone who isn't very popular or is very lonely. Looking at you feet is great when you're walking along, because no- one can see your face and it's expression.

And, for all intensive purposes, you can't see anyone either. Which is probably why I walked straight into Chekov, making him drop the heavy supply case he'd been carrying onto my foot. Not that I didn't deserve it.

After about a lifetimes silence, in which you could hear a pin drop, or at least, you could if people still used pins, I burst out with:

"Crud!" And dropped down on my haunches to see if I could pick up the case. Which was heavy. As my foot was telling me.

"Oh! I'm sowy." Chekov also dropped to his haunches, "I didn't see you coming, Pal."

"It's okay, it was my fault, I wasn't watching where I was going which, of course, was to Engineering for my punishment shift, of course." I must have babbled on like this for about five minutes, because by the time I shut up, Chekov was staring at me like I was crazy. Which I probably was. Oh well.

"Er.wight. Anyway, I'd better get going." He muttered, obviously desperate to get away from me. Just like anyone else would be. It did kinda hurt that the person whom I'd always considered the nicest person on the ship (probably biased) was desperate to get away from me. Mind you, as I said before, so would anyone else. Even my parents. They'd gotten away from me a long time ago.

"Sorry." I mumbled, and shuffled off, head hung so low I could probably see through the narrow slit between my two legs when I was walking.

"Pallee?" He called. I turned around.

"Is your toe okay?" "Eh.it's fine. Really. Fine." I turned around and.fled, which is the only way I can put it. If I didn't get away from him soon, I was going to start blubbing. And, although I'm a loner, I'm not a blubberer. Never would I be a blubberer.

***

Even though I wasn't a blubberer, Scotty must have noticed my face when I entered Engineering three minutes later.

"Yer late, hen." Were actually his exact words, but I thought he sounded concerned, "where've ya been? Sleepin' is it?" Ah. Evidently the Captain told him. I flushed.

"Um.er.no.y'see.well, I was hurrying to get here and I ran into Chekov.literally.and he was carrying something heavy..and it kinda fell on my toe so I helped him pick it up again and I tried to get here as quickly as possible you haven't told the Captain have you? He'll kill me!" It took Scotty a few minutes to catch up with what I was saying, and at the end of it he was staring at me as if I was crazy. Great. It was only 6:03am and already I'd got two crazy stares. Go me.

"It was only a joke, lass. Don' take everythin' ye hear so seriously. If ya do, you'll 'ave an heart attack before you're 30." All the time he'd been speaking, he'd moved over to an inspection hatch and clicked it off the wall. 'And, eh, how was I supposed to get in there?' I thought, blinking at the small hole.

"Now. Chekov told me you're not very fond of wee spaces, zat right, lass?"

"Um.yes." Why would Chekov tell him that?

"Right. Here's what ya do. You'll only be cleaning twenty or so metres today. Tomorrow I'll get ye started on the big stuff. If ye feel like you want to come oot, ye do. I'll leave the hatch off." I thought this was actually quite nice of him, seeing as though this was supposed to be a punishment, so I accepted the.cleaning thingy (hey, I don't know what it's called) from him and climbed in.

It was hot. I mean, really hot. Really. Hot. Hotter than hot.

'Well, duh,' I told myself, 'you are right next to a load of Warp Manifolds.'

Around 10am I'd done 3 metres thoroughly. This sucked. I was never going to get this done today. Which meant more overtime for tomorrow. Go me.

"How ye doin'?" I heard Scotty call up the tunnel.

"Um. Fine."

"Yur not very far up, lass."

"I've only done.three metres." I admitted miserably, brushing back my sticky hair from my even stickier forehead.

"Well, if ye want to come out and have a sip of Iced Tea with us now, you'd be sensible. Lunch's been put back 'till two, and this'll be the only break ye get 'till then."

I climbed down the tunnel and reversed out of the hatch. To me, Engineering seemed like the North Pole after being stuck in there.

Scotty handed me an Iced Tea, which I acknowledged with a grateful nod. I was too hot to talk.

Then joy of all joys.

Captain Kirk walked through the door.

Going red, redder than the Red Shirts standing around me without a care in the world (lucky sods), I turned around, so my back was resting against the side of the frame, and sipped my drink, trying to make it look like I hadn't been socialising. Because I hadn't. I'd just said Thank You to Scotty in a non-committal way. Which the Captain might take as socialising. Because that's how thick his skull is. If he thought he'd seen me socialising, he might kill me. Or do worse.

"Hello Ensign. Enjoying yourself?" He asked, in my opinion spitefully.

"Entirely too much." I practically sang. No way was he crushing my loner spirit. No sir.

True, he had crushed my spirit on other occasions. But I never let on to him. Go me. He did seem disappointed that I wasn't upset.

"Whatever. Scotty." and away he went to have a word with the Chief Engineer. Phew.

And then not-so-phew. Why is it that, whenever Kirk enters a room I'm in, Chekov also manages to enter the room that both Kirk and I are in? And, even Engineering was such I big place, the hatch I was currently lolling in was directly infront of the door, give or take five metres.

"Hi, Pallee. How's the foot?" He indicated his own, smiling at me. I almost died.

I made a stupid sounding noise in my throat, then said, "fine. Doesn't hurt too much. I can walk on it."

Babble. All babble. Why do I babble so much? Babble, babble, babble. Go me.

"Good. I'd thought it'd bwoken."

"You had? What about me?"

He looked a little uncertain, shrugged, and went to talk to Scotty about some miscalculation or other the Computer had made.

Why was Scotty so damn popular one of the three days I happened to be in Engineering? The reason I say this is because, no sooner had Chekov left the vicinity, Spock entered. I mean, this was taking the.smeg.

"Good Morning Ensign. How are your duties going?" Close enough to a friendly greeting. "Very well, Sir. It's very.nice to be giving my muscles some exercise." Uh, yeah, like I had any to exercise. Pfft.

"Very well." And he too went over to talk to Scotty.

And then, just to top it all off, along came McCoy. This was getting really upsetting.

"Hello Pallee. Hows it going in that hell hole of a duct?" Well, at least he was cheerful.

"Fine." I was down to a one word answer. I don't think McCoy had quite forgiven me about that time I had accidentally stabbed him with a hypospray when he asked for my help in Sick Bay. Like I said, he asked for my help. It says quite clearly under Captains Comments in my Record that I'm a klutz. No, I'm not kidding.

"Ok. Ah, there's Jim." and away he went.

I wondered why Jim was a shortened version of James. I mean, Jim's even got a different vowel, for god's sake. Yup. To occupy myself at Break Times, I wonder useless things. Go Brain.

"Okay, people, back to work. I'll tell ye all when it's two."

So, back into the tube it was. Go me.

I clambered back in. It seemed tighter than before, and I panicked. Was it always this tight? Was it? I was about to back out, but then I remembered Kirk and his never forgetting memory, so I stayed in, feeling kinda proud of myself. And worried sick at the same time.

My breathing was that of a woman in Labour. And, as far as I am aware of, that is not a good thing. Seeing as though I'm not in Labour.

"Pallee?" A Russian accented voice. Who could that be?

"What Chekov?" I snapped pretty harshly, crawling further up the tube to where I'd left my Cleany Thingy.

"Er.sowy. Didn't mean to bother you." Oh, GOD, why did I yell at him? Why? Why do I yell at him, only to speak nice and calmly to Kirk. This sucked.

"No, no, it's okay, Chekov. Sorry. I'm in a cowy mood. Whassup?"

"Vell.I vas vondering if you vere okay.your breathing is wery.high?"

I tried to breathe slower. Impossible. Really impossible. It just made me panic more. "Um.I'm fine."

"D'you vant to come out?" How'd he read my mind from down there??

"No."

"Pallee?" This was a different voice. This was a show-offy voice. This was a JTK voice. Work out for yourself what that means.

"Yes Captain?"

"Are you sure you don't want to come out? You sound.etchy."

Oh, that's right. Infront of everyone else you're a nice quiet person who would die to help you out. That's a great idea. You can help me out. Go die. Then I felt guilty about my thoughts. Well. Get injured. Or take a cheery up pill then.

"I'm fine." I tried to put on a falsely bright voice, grabbing the Cleany Thingy's handle and squeezing very tightly. I was scared. I was claustrophobically scared out of my tiny little mind.

There was a short silence from outside, then the sound of the Engineering doors opening and closing.

"Pallee?" It was Chekov again, "Pallee, he's gone. You can come out now."

How on Earth did he read my mind?

".What makes you think I want to come out?" I squeaked in a high voice. Oh, GOD. I was terrified. Oh, no, I'm never going to get out of here! Help! I thought, squeezing the handle even tighter and trying desperately to breathe normally. Why was it so different now? That morning I'd been fine. Then, it hit me. It was because Chekov was there, standing outside that hatch, asking if I was okay. And, I didn't want to make a fool of myself, so I was saying I was okay, then panicking because I knew I wasn't because he was making it seem like I was when I wasn't and.I'd managed to confuse myself.

"The fact that you look ready to cry, I guess." I looked down. He had his head supported on his arms, leaning on the bottom of the hatch, staring at me as if I was nuts. Maybe I was.

"Um.um.um." Was all I managed to get out, "I'm.I'm perfectly okay. Why wouldn't I be?" "Because you're Claustrophobic.?" He reached up and tapped my foot, "kom on. Out of there wight now before you have a heart attack and Mr. Scotty gets blamed."

"Yessir." He was ordering me around and he wasn't even my superior. Well, he kind of was. I mean, he was way more popular then me, and he had more mates (okay, I had zilch, but hey), and he wasn't on the Captains bad side at the moment. Guess who was.

So, in a way, he was superior. Go me. I mean him.

I clambered out, sat down on the side and buried my head in my hands. Oh, yeah. I was being so brave. Not.

"Pallee? Aw, d'you want summat else to drink, lass?" Ok, that was Scotty. I think. I didn't know because I couldn't see anyone. Duh.

"N-no."

"You sure? You look..awful." That was Chekov. I'm pretty sure that was Chekov, anyway.

"Yeah, just like I do 24/7."

"I don't think so." He sat down beside me, "vhy are you always putting yourself down like that?"

"Er.like what?"

"Like that. Saying you look awful.24/7. Stuff like that. Vhy do you do it?"

I blinked at him. I hadn't been aware of doing that.

"Um.I was just telling the truth."

He snorted, "yeah, and I'm the Captain."

"Really?" I pretended to play along, "then, can I have the rest of the day off, Sir?"

"No need to be as sarky as the ca.some people are." Chekov had changed what he was going to say as soon as he realised Scotty was still standing there beside us.

"Um.a little privacy?" I asked. At least my breathing had calmed itself down. A bit.

"It's alright. I don' mind ye mouthing off aboot him. Something's not been right with him lately, have ye noticed?"

"Yes." Chekov nodded, "he's been a little.'on edge' recently. Since we left Space Dock, really." "I wouldn't know," I joined in, "I've only been here since we left Space Dock."

"Ah." Chekov nodded, "usually he's okay. But.he's just been acting stwange wecently. Twust me. If he'd been punishing you vhen in a good mood, you vouldn't be cleaning the pipes."

"The tubes." Scotty corrected him.

"My mistake." Chekov stood up and stretched, "vell. I have to get back to the Bridge. You feeling better?" He asked me.

"Er.yeah. Much better, thank you." I got up too and climbed back into the tube. Pipe. Whatever.