Thanks for the reviews, Thank you to the kind Guest, that reminded me that I didn't put a spoiler alert in summary and gave too much away. I forgot that not everyone reads spoilers or want to be spoiled. Hopefully, you can forgive me.
PROPERTY OF P JANE,
HANDS OFF OR FEEL THE CONSEQUENCES
30/03/14
Dear Teresa,
If you're reading this, I'm either dead or we've been together for years and getting all wrinkly. I'm hoping for the second reason, but it most likely will be the first. I apologise that you are reading this, rather been told in person. You see, I've always been a coward when it comes to my feelings, I would say ask Angela, but that's impossible.
Anyway, this is the means I've chose to express myself, even if I hope you never get the chance to read this. I immensely enjoyed writing you letters whilst I was away from you for those two painful years. As you may read through the lines in those letters, I missed you so much that sometimes it felt like someone was reaching into my chest and ripping it from my chest. God, I even imagined you there with me, laughing at all my attempts to fit into the culture. Even showing me up with your impeccable spanish. I wasn't lying when I said that you would have enjoyed seeing the nature out there. We could have held hands whilst walking along the shoreline. Watching the sunset go down from the view off our balcony. I would say that probably waking up to you would have been enjoyable as well. I admit that when I ended up in hospital in those times, when we worked for the CBI, your face being the first one I saw was the only thing that made me relax.
Anyway to the present, I have to be truthful. Tonight, I actually was ready to tell you how I feel about you. I was going to tell you how you make me feel strong. How you made me feel like I'm not alone and someone actually cares if I die. I also wanted to say how much I adore you. Especially wanted to tell you that I love you. Not as a co worker, a friend, a sibling or even a partner. But as someone who worships the ground, you walk on. I know this feels cliché but I am utterly and completely in love with you.
I'm ashamed to confess that for a moment after I killed Red John, I considered to ended it all right there. I had the gun facing my throat, ready to blow my brains out. But, as I moved my trigger finger, I heard your voice. It was what you told me when we were arguing after you disobeyed my orders to hang back, but instead you decided to save me. I remember the words clearly. You said "Can't you see there's people who care about you, who need you? You're being selfish and childish. And I want you to stop it." That's the thing, I thought that if I committed suicide, I would have disappointed you. You see the thing is I need you, more than I feel I should. That makes me feel selfish and childish but I don't care. I need you more than the need to breathe.
Back to where I was, I went to your apartment tonight to be truthful to you, where I witnessed you and Pike kissing. I was going to interrupt but that would have been awkward for many reasons. My sweet Teresa, I saw the way that you smiled into the kiss and the look you gave him afterwards. It's the look of love. That was when I left. Pike's a nice dependable man, which I'm not. I would never want to jeopardise your happiness for mine. I've done it so many times, like leaving you at the side of road after the sunset confession. I also need to clear the air that when I said "Good Luck Teresa, Love You." I meant it. I wanted to scream it from the top of the buildings, I still do. But don't worry my dear, I won't. You are too important to lose.
I need to tell you throughout our undercover, you looked beautiful, even breath taking. I know that I criticised your acting skills most of the time. But, I only meant it to help you improve, which you have since the last time. I kept imagining kissing you throughout the party. I know that might have blown our cover since you would have been uncomfortable showing affection in front of Abbott and Fischer. I wouldn't have cared, I'd waiting a long time to kiss you, I just want to know what it would feel like. But yeah, I completely missed our moment. I will have to live with that as one of my biggest regrets after not telling you that I love you when I had the chance. Anyway, I think I better try and go to sleep, as I don't want you to notice the pain, I'm feeling or the tears tracks under my eyes.
Loving you from a distance
Patrick.
xxxx
Till next time Amigos. :)
