Severus Snape, stop laughing this instant and help me! When those twins get back from the winter holidays, I am giving them detention with Filch until they graduate. Unless you wish to have two pink bat wings permanently attached, stop laughing. It's my wand paw mmm hand! No, I can't floo-call Molly not with sparkling whiskers sprouting out my face and my plaid right paw. What were you thinking, Madam Rowling, when you added those two characters to your books? Madam Rowling, if you wish to continue profiting from myself and the other characters, I demand that you put those twins on a leash.
Minerva McGonagall
Transfiguration Professor
Deputy Headmistress
No… no… you didn't startle me. My inner eye told me that you would come to me. Hmm you want to know something about ... Yes, yes, I see that all rights to characters belong to a Madam oh no no Master Rowling. I foresee that he will become quite wealthy and marry a trophy wife. Sadly, I see death for you from disease or an accident or old age. My inner eye is never wrong.
Sybil Trelawney
Occasional Seer
Divination Professor
YOU THERE! YES, YOU FILTHY MUGGLE HAVE INTERRUPTED MY ONE ON ONE TIME WITH MY LORD. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO GET PRIVATE TIME WITH LORD VOLDEMORT IF YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A SORCERER'S STONE OR THE ELDER WAND ON YOU? I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH THAT DEMENTORS WOULD KISS YOU. So what that Rowling owns all rights to itty bitty Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Won't-Be-Living-Long. She will be singing (make that screaming in agony) a different tune when my lord takes over both our wizarding and your filthy muggle worlds. For now, CRUCIO!
Bellatrix Lestrange
The Other Delusional Psychotic
Mr. Potter, I will use a sticking spell if you don't stay in bed. I understand that you are upset because Madam Rowling owns all rights to our characters, but it doesn't mean you can stay out flying in freezing weather without your hat and gloves. Yes, I know it is the winter holidays, but you still need to drink your Koldz-No-More tonic. I don't care if Professor Snape doesn't like you and brewed it. If Minister Fudge had your symptoms, I would make him drink it too! I only wish Professor Snape could invent a common sense potion for you and your fellow act-now/think-later Gryffindor housemates.
Madam Poppy Pomfrey
Healer
Ms. Rowling who? Cupboard now! I don't want to hear about any freakish book. There is no such thing as MAGIC so I don't care who gets the royalties from supposed books about my freakish nephew. If that is how you are spending your time, there will be a bad end for you bunch of crazy drunks.
Petunia Dursley
2nd Place Meanest Muggle
Aunt Who-Could-Not-Care-Less
F: We suppose you know. That is
G: just to be perfectly clear. The ridiculously wealthy
F: and incredibly stingy Madam
G: J K Rowling owns all characters in the Harry
F: Potter books, but all impoverished writers can
G: get revenge for a mere sickle
F: plus two knuts. Weasley Wizarding Wheezes offers revenge for those
G: short in money but rich in imagination. The avenging
F: email targets only your intended victim and bypasses
G: any assistant (Unless your name is Percy Weasley), who might be assigned to open email, when
F: it creates a flashing dollar, EU, or pound symbol on all four cheeks which
G: can be seen through up to four layers of clothing. For
F: magical customers any color of your choice, but for Muggles
G: in flashing red only. Lasts
F: for 30 minutes and is also available in the
G: Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch formula for annoying
F: bosses and other egomaniacs.
Gred & Forge Weasley
Pranksters Extraordinaire
