Old Forgotten Things PT 2

~Bioware owns all characters and concepts where appropriate~

Kaidan laid on Shepard's bed, staring up at the unfathomable number of stars passing by them as the Normandy continued on. Even if they failed those stars would continue on. Other races would inhabit them. They would marry and fall in love. They'd fight to live, and live life to the fullest. The universe would forget that a messed up kid became a major, and an orphan became the first human spectre. Whether he and Shepard lived or died the only thing that mattered was the time they had.

Shepard was curled up beside him, her head on his chest, snoring softly. She didn't get enough sleep. He kept telling her to take the sleep meds doctor Chakwas suggested, but she resisted because she wouldn't be "in the game" at all times. As Kaidan studied the dark circles under her eyes it was hard not to wonder if she was in the game at all. She would run every inch of the ship, then do sit ups in observation instead of sleep. She would twitch, and he would pretend not to notice. She probably wouldn't eat if he hadn't reminded her that as a biotic her caloric intake should be a hell of a lot at all times. He tried to ignore the fact that she still didn't eat enough.

It wasn't so long ago that she used to smile a bit more. He'd walk into her cabin to find her driving a model mako off the cliff of her desk, while making screaming noises. A krogan figurine would be in her other hand, and she always made the mako crash into the krogan. If he caught her quick enough he could watch for a good minute before Shepard noticed and shoved the toys back in her desk.

Now Shepard was wearing herself down, and he didn't know how to save her.

"Don't try to save me Kaid, just give me honesty...or maybe the occasional lie. Whatever you think works best." That's what Shepard told him back on the SR-1 before the stress had eaten her up. A chill ran up Kaidan's spine. Had Shepard been pregnant then? It was right after Illos and the battle of the Citadel. Shepard said it didn't matter, but that was a lie. It did.

Back then what would have even happened? If Shepard had lived...she had lived. What was he thinking? She had been in a coma for two years. Cerberus fixed her, the one and only thing he could say they were good for. Yet what if...Kaidan shifted , shutting his eyes. What if Cerberus could have saved their baby? If they had the tech to fix Shepard... if they found out couldn't they have-Kaidan thought back to what Shepard told him of the Illusive Man's intentions. A baby would have slowed the famous Commander Shepard down. She wouldn't have been useful to them. It would have been...a distraction. That was probably why Miranda didn't tell her in the first place. Heat began to run through his veins, and he clenched his left fist. The Illusive Man sat in his chair playing God, deciding who got to live and who didn't.

Shepard stirred, a horrified expression coming over her face before rolling over onto her side with a grimace. She was dreaming again. He had seen that look far too many times. Just because she didn't want him to save her didn't mean he didn't want to try. He rolled over wrapping an arm around her and planting a kiss on her neck.

Two years ago...as intense as things were they had just started their relationship. The war loomed over their heads like a noose, and no one was listening to her except Anderson and the crew. A baby would have just complicated that, and that's if Shepard wanted to keep it. Kaidan stared into her back tracing the fresh scars with his fingertips. He knew Shepard had a vague, but set life plan. She probably never thought she'd have the time for kids. What if she told him she didn't want the baby? How would he have reacted? Kaidan sighed pulling his hand from her back. He didn't even know what he was feeling now. Yet even back then he couldn't imagine life without her. He couldn't imagine not waking up beside her. He couldn't imagine not wanting one or two little Shepards running around.

It didn't matter. The Illusive Man and The Collectors had already made that choice for them.

"What's wrong, love?" Shepard's voice broke him from his thoughts. She turned over facing him. Her lips were curled in a small frown and her brow furrowed in concern.

"I'm ok. You need some sleep. We have another hour before our shift."

"Nah, I'm good. I couldn't sleep anyway."

"Dreams?"

"Hey, before we get to me let's talk about you." Shepard smiled, as she reached out to stroke his cheek. Her fingers were so warm. Kaidan held her hand there, and couldn't help but smile.

"It's about earlier." Kaidan drew in a breath, and Shepard nodded. "Did...Miranda say it was possible to...I don't know..."

Shepard looked perplexed for a moment, but then a look of recognition crossed her face. He didn't want to ask her, to stir the same confused agony he saw on her face before, but he needed to know.

"I...didn't ask. She indicated they didn't know until...they had begun restoring internal functions." Shepard had a way of distancing herself from. Kaidan nodded and a steady silence fell between them. He wasn't sure where he had been going with asking, and judging by the look on her face she wasn't sure what to add. It should have been easier. "Kaidan, what if I had managed to get on that escape pod with Joker?"

The question damn near winded him. It wasn't that he hadn't run that question over and over in his mind. No. Even though she was in his arms almost every night he still thought about it from time to time that for a whole set of other reasons. They'd have had two more years of life and love. Two more years for him to get comfortable with saying to hell with and asking her to marry him. But in this scenario how could he answer?

"Honestly?" She nodded and he let out a heavy breath. "I don't know. I mean down the road I figured yeah we'd settle down, but-"

"Not in the middle." Shepard sucked in her cheek and shrugged. "or back then...well the beginning of a potential galactic threat?" Sometimes she forgot how long she'd been gone. He couldn't blame her. When he laid beside her like that sometimes he did too.

"It...would have been complicated."

The thought flashed in his mind. The reprimands and marks on their record. The talk downs from Anderson and Hackett. The awkward phone call back home probably ending in his mother gasping that her then 32 year old son had knocked up his superior officer while "ending" a war. Shepard had a few relatives, an overbearing aunt and uncle who probably would have torn him apart. Other than that she didn't have much anyone else. Maybe that would have made her want their baby...maybe she still did.

Yet back then what could they have done? The news reports would flash with exposes of the first human spectre being pregnant by a man under her command. The hero of the Citadel's baby bump would have plastered every feed on the extranet for a week. She would have been sidelined, maybe lost command of the Normandy. The gossip would have been explosive, and maybe the council would have rethought her status as a spectre. She wouldn't have been able to be as active in the war effort. They'd paint her as a hormonal woman raving about an insane theory of a galactic cycle of destruction. He'd probably be reassigned by Anderson, but only after he ripped Kaidan a new one. Anderson guarded Shepard like a daughter.

Yet an image came to his mind, Shepard sitting with his mom back in Vancouver overlooking the bay. A pretty eyed little girl the spitting image of her mother resting in Shepard's arms. She'd smile at him, as he had a beer with his dad.

He saw him and Shepard standing over a crib watching their little girl sleep. Shepard dressed in nothing but the beaten up t-shirt she wore around her cabin. Her hair a mess about her head. The baby snoring softly, occasionally stirring a bit.

"This is why we fight Kaid. For her...for her future and every other kid who deserves a chance."

He reach down and brush their baby's cheek then pull Shepard close. "We'll win this Shepard."

Eighteen years later they'd be sitting in some stadium somewhere, as that same little girl with Shepard's eyes and his calm walked across a stage. Shepard, a little bit older, but just a beautiful as the day they met would yell "That's my baby!" while snapping every picture she possibly could with her onni-tool. Their daughter would look like she was about to die, and look at him for help. What could she expect when her mother was Commander Winter Shepard, overprotective mother of the galaxy not to mention her daughter? Their daughter would make a speech about how she and her classmates were born in war, and how it was now up to them to see that their children were born in peace.

If she was like her mother she'd know exactly what to say. "Even though the Reaper threat is gone, and the geth have come to work with us peacefully, our greatest enemies are our own indifference, our fear, our willingness to pick a club over turning the other cheek. The future is ours to make, so let's make it a good one."

And that little girl would. She'd make it so much better than Kaidan and Shepard ever could because kids were always supposed to do a bit better than their parents.

A strange feeling set in his spine that left his body colder than before. The thoughts were too perfect. Almost too scripted for reality. If Shepard had still been on duty over that two year period, and if he had still been in Vancouver at Alliance command then chances were their child would have been with his parents. On Earth. Kaidan envisioned his mother huddling in the basement of their orchard surrounded by neighbors all in dirty clothes as she bounced that same little girl. Clenching her tight with every Earth shattering blast of a reaper cannon. Even though it was his imagination the fiction burned through him like a clear reality.

Even then he was assuming Shepard would have wanted the baby. It was hard to say for certain that he would have been disappointed if she hadn't. It would have been rational to wait. Bringing a child into the war when Shepard needed to be leading the front lines would have been beyond cruel. Plus as much pressure that was on her, a fair bit was on him too. Biotics division had done some heavy weeks long missions prior to the attack on Earth, and in the present if the council or Alliance gave him a separate assignment pivotal to the war effort he would have to take it. Some people could argue they could make time, but the situation didn't leave too much room for choice. Still it should have been Shepard's to make.

"Hey, you still with me?" Shepard smiled at him, scooting closer. She rested her forehead against his, and he could smell the scent of grapefruit and coconut from her shampoo.

"I never left. It's just hard to know without...having actually experienced being in that moment."

As if reading his thoughts Shepard shut her eyes tight.

"I don't know what I would have wanted. It honestly doesn't matter in that sense. I really mean that this time. I'm not trying to be in denial. On one hand I know the logic on the other...it may have been our only chance to have a baby."

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue, but closed it just as quick. In denying the truth he could only put a barrier between them. Yeah, he tried to be optimistic, but ignoring reality never suited him. He looked at the fallen corners of her mouth, and her twitching brow. A thought crossed his mind that hadn't been there previously, What if she can't get pregnant?

Dying was a lot of trauma for a body to cope with even briefly, adding a forced coma, and God knows whatever else Cerberus did to her...that kind of stress could do a lot to a body. Kaidan saw it on her face, but it would be foolish to think it ended there. Shepard drew in a deep breath then exhaled as if trying to push the same thought from her mind. She planted a light kiss on his lips then pulled away, rolling on her back. "What bothers me is not having the chance to make that choice. I just...I never knew."

Kaidan had known Shepard for only about a month when he figured out her greatest fear and greatest concern. She wasn't afraid of much, but he saw the fear she felt at ended possibilities. Lives cut short too soon. Colonies with so much promise all but ruined. The girl from Mindoir, Talitha, who had lost herself probably about the same time Shepard lost everything but not all of herself. Every dream, chance, and opportunity not taken tore her up inside.

The sensation in his gut didn't fade, but instead warmed to the scolding he felt earlier. Had the Illusive Man and Miranda made that decision for her? They knew everything about Shepard. Hell, they knew everything about him. It still disquieted him that the picture on her desk had already been in place when she walked up to her cabin after waking up. They left no stone unturned. Nothing was private or sacred, but then again if anything was neither of them would have been good a terrorists. They took parts of Shepard's life out of her hands, and had no fucking right to.

"I know how you feel." Kaidan stroked her cheek. For a moment Shepard seemed small again exactly like she did in the shuttle bay with tears and sweat streaming down her face. Two and a half years ago he never thought of using that adjective in reference to Shepard. Her strength, honest to God, scared him sometimes, but the fight had taken its toll. Her strength could only go so far particularly when it came to matters close to home. Truth was she wasn't the only one. Every day there was a bit more grey in his hair, a few more lines on his face. Kaidan looked a bit more like his father every day. This situation was just another blow, another hit square to the jaw. They didn't deserve it. They served the Alliance well. They were protecting the universe didn't it owe them something? Shepard should have been able to get a good night's sleep. He should have been able to help her from the whole damn start. He shouldn't have to take the sideline on missions due to goddamned migraines. The stars above them would go on into forever in some form or another. Maybe the universe didn't care about the cycle or about fairness.

Shepard's eyes darkened. "I'm...tired." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but one look in her eyes told him exactly what she meant. He reached for the hand she had between them. Her calloused fingers entwined with his own. He could feel the scar between her thumb and index finger. He'd have to ask her how she got that. Two years made for a lot of lost time. They should have been somewhere else rekindling their relationship, not fighting off a synthetic alien space menace...not reflecting on the child they never knew they had.

"Yeah, I know that feeling too."

~~~~~~ Next time...Kaidan comes face to face with Miranda.~~~~~~