Chapter 2
Ramsay Bolton was not happy about his marriage. Sure, Reek Killjoy was the heir to the Iron Islands and she was very important, but she kissed like a dead fish and she smelled terrible. The first time Ramsay tried to give his wife some pre-marital pleasure, out of the kindness of his heart, it ended horribly with blood and tears and a full belly for Ramsay. Now Reek just moped around and whined about how she wished Stannis would take over the North so they could get married and bond over their shared passion for burning children. It was moderately hurtful. But Ramsay got his revenge. He had his lady servant Sansa Stark give Reek away at the wedding, knowing full well that they didn't get along at all. Then he had Sansa watch and make snide comments as he took his pathetic wife's purity.
Unfortunately, the marriage didn't matter because Balon Killjoy never died and so Reek couldn't have any hope of inheritance. Family reunions were always awkward and full of heated glares and hurt feelings.
. . .
—The fires rose all over camp at the same time. It must have been at least twenty good men. Maybe twenty-one. The guards say they didn't see anything because they were too busy counting the money that Ramsay gave them.
—Leave us. Stannis frowned like a stern father who just found out that his son spies on his mother while she bathes. —Malisendres!
—Yes, my king?
—You said that you could have stopped the fire at Blackwater. That one was way bigger and more colorful. How could you not have stopped this? Have you betrayed me?
She took off her clothing.
—Yes, you're right it must have been someone else.
Shireen shuffled into the tent hesitantly. —Father, what is going on?
—Shireen, this isn't the time to be making funny faces. Stannis frowned like a stern father who just learned that his daughter no longer wants to marry him.
—I'm not making a funny face… Shireen's face filled with hurt. It looked funny.
—Oh. Yes. That's just how you look then, is it? Stannis frowned like a stern father who finds his daughter unappealing. —What do you want?
—I'm your daughter. I'm here to see if there's anything I can do to help.
—Teaching things how to read isn't what we need right now. Go play with dolls. Wait. Stannis shook his head surlily. —Actually, don't. That ended badly last time.
—Pleeease, father, I'll do anything…
Melisandrei whispered something into Stannis's ear. He frowned like a stern father who just discovered that his son died from auto-erotic asphyxiation.
—Anything?
. . .
—Why should you bend the knee, you ask? Stannis frowned like a stern father who just realized that his daughter looks good with her clothes off. —I am the chosen of the fire god Rh'llor.
—Y'know, Ramsay smirked handsomely, —for a dude who's supposed to be the fire god's chosen one, you sure get screwed over a lot by fire.
Stannis's brow twitched with rage. He frowned like a stern father who was just told that his son has a passion for the theatre.
—Take it back, said Stannis.
—No, smirked Ramsay.
—I'll make you take it back.
Stannis was a just and fair man, but even he had his limits. He turned to Maelysandrys who swiftly closed her robe because she was flashing Ramsay her breasts when Stannis wasn't looking.
—Mollysandra, I need you to do something, said Stannis wearily in a stern voice.
—Yes, my king, the champion of my light, the loins in my fire, she said, —what is it that you would ask of me?
—Bring me my daughter.
The princess had been resurrected by the red Mellysanders who was a priestess of the Lord of light because Stannis realized that he had no other heir. They cried and he swore to never hurt her again.
—Father, said the bashful Shireen shyly as she meekly entered the room. Her face was now deformed on both sides, from all the burns, but the symmetry gained through this deformity actually made her face far more attractive than it was before and Stannis was now getting all kinds of offers for her hand in marriage. —Oh, dear. You look upset. What is it? What do you need? I'll do anything to help.
—Anything? Stannis frowned like a stern father who just learned that his daughter may be having an affair with an older man who looks shockingly like him and he's not sure how to feel about that.
Stannis tied Shireen to a stake.
—Noooo, cried Shireen, —you promised we wouldn't do this again!
—It's for the good of the realm, said Stannis Baratheon, King of the sandals and the first men and protector of the realm, as Mollyandra set his noisy daughter ablaze for the good of the realm.
—Have you started the fire? asked Stannis.
—The fire rises, responded Smellyandrea.
He turned to Ramsay and grabbed him by the shoulders and shook while screaming sternly, —Take it back, take it back, the Lord of Light commands you to take it back!
—Alright, fine, said Ramsay who was beginning to develop a headache, —I take it back.
Stannis dropped to his knees and wept while frowning. —Yea, for the Lord of Light is go- He fell over and died sternly. Brienne had sneaked up behind him and cut off his head. Sallyandre was okay with that because she wanted to be with Ramsay anyway. They both hated wearing shirts. Ramsay took her to bed. Then Reek made a suicide pact with Sansa.
. . .
Brienne, the strong and beautiful independent woman, who was also the strongest fighter in all of the seven kingdoms, stood on the walls of Winterfell with Sansa Stark standing right in front of her. Reek had already hit the ground, but she didn't matter.
—Oh, Lady Sansa, please don't kill yourself. I promised your mother that I'd deliver you to her, you know, said Brienne with great strength.
—Brienne, you are a beautiful and strong woman. said Sansa —Upon meeting you, I have realized how beautiful life is. I want to live, and be in your strong arms forever. Brienne grabbed her and picked her up with a single hand. She dangled her over the edge of the wall. —W-what are you doing?
—I'm sending you to your mother, snarled Brienne the invincible warrior. She dropped Sansa. Podrick was panting as he stepped upon the scene, having run around the whole castle looking for the noble Brienne the unmatched fighter and fiercely loyal sworn sword who hadn't told him where she was going because she doesn't like him.
—What happened? My Lady, did you kill her? Why? Why would you kill Sansa Stark? tears came to Podrick Payne's eyes as he began to question everything he had come to believe.
—It was a shadow!
Brienne threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran away. She ran very fast. Podrick was sad.
Littlefinger teleported there with his teleportation device and, when he saw Sansa, he and Podrick cried together.
—She didn't fly so good... sobbed Littlefinger.
