Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight, I, however, am the owner of the plot of this story as well as the characters' personality.
AN: Hey there! So this is kind of... Awkward, I guess, I'm not really good at making small talk, so, hm, yeah... In each and every chapter of this story I'll recommend a song (probably the song that I heard while writing said chapter), while I do think the reading becomes much more enjoyable when combined with a song that blends in with what's written, it's up to you to hear the song or not. Guess I small talked i little bit, hehe, hope you like this chap.
"I could say it but you wont believe me
You say you do but you don't deceive me
Dead hearts are everywhere"
(Dead Hearts - Stars)
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BPOV
Once upon a time somebody asked my what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was 4. From the top of all my knowledge gained in four years, I replied: "I want to be a fairy," you see, nobody really cares about what you wanna be when you are a four year old, to be honest, nobody gives a damn what you are when you can count the years you've lived in one hand. At seven, someone asked me again the same question, and my answer, after watching "Space Jam" countless times that summer, changed, I decided I wanted to work in movies theaters. No, not in the movie industry, the movie theater. Selling popcorn. What can I say? I was never very ambitious, I guess
When I was 10 nobody asked me, they just came up with the plan of my life, I didn't need no audition, nor did I have to do interviews. "With a face like yours and infectious personality, you just don't need to, sweetie" my mom and my agent and said, they were right, as if by magic I was acting opposite legends of the film industry, not that I knew who they were, or really cared. "You made it, honey!" My father roared. I did'n really get what I "made" that got my dad so stoked, but "it must be something pretty good, Daddy only get this happy When he's talking about baseball" I thought.
After years of playing the daughter of countless movie stars, but hardly being the daughter of my own parents, I got my first gig as a leading actress, in a Disney Channel tv show, at 14. I'm not gonna lie, even though it was not what I planned for my life, I loved the thrill it gave me, I loved that someone loved me.
But the thing is: The adrenaline was short lived. A year later the studio hosted a party to celebrate the first year of the series and the great audience we had. I was introduced to a different kind of adrenaline there, instantaneous kind of thrill. Weed, for a short period of time, was what kept me going, looking back, I wouldn't say that I was addicted, well, that's what I would probably say that time too, but the truth is, I was probably more an alcoholic than addicted to pot, but, like the thrill I got at some point from acting, the marijuana was also fast gone. I needed something to keep me entertained. I needed something to get me out of my reality.
The fact is, it's hard not to get addicted to cocaine once you have a taste of it. While my "friends" (better known as co-stars) were going to dates on friday nights, I was having intimate encounters with it. I tried to hide, and let me say, for a person who never had the pretension to be an actress, I deserved a fucking Oscar, my parents, however, deserved, for their acting as the attentive and protective parents, deserved a Razzie Award. I mean, when your daughter snorts for three full years without you not even suspecting, there's something pretty fucked up about your parenting. More fucked up than that? Probably the fact that they found out about my "extra-curricular" activity through my agent. I know, what the fuck is up with that, right? And the icing on the cake? They left to him, James, my agent, to deal with me.
That's when I realized they simply did not care. They did not care when I was four and wanted to be a fairy, When I was seven and wanted to sell popcorn at the local movie theater, they surely didn't give half of a fuck if I was doing coke, I still don't know if they gave a fuck about me going to rehab, I assume they didn't, but that's just one of the things we are not aloud to talk about at the house, so I guess I'll just keep wondering.
However, now I understand why I always found me in the things that took me out of myself, and that's because I never wanted to be myself. I never wanted to be Bella Swan. I was never really the daughter of Charlie and Renee, I never had the opportunity to be Alice's cousin, I wasn't a student of Stella Jenkings. Bella Swan was a farce. Bella Swan never existed outside of a TV or a tabloid.
And the problem? It's that after escaping for such a long time from myself, I simply haven't got the faintest idea of who the fuck I am.
A/N: There you have it! I really hope you liked it, and if you did, please review it, if you didn't like it, review it too and tell me what you didn't like (please, don't be mean, there's a world full of mean people outside ff, I'd like to think that this is a mean-free environment!), and like I said before, if you find some grammar error, please tell me and I'll try to correct it! The main reason why I'm writing is that I practice my writing-in-english skills, and that won't happen unless I know when I'm making a fool out of myself lol
(I hope you like the song I rec'd as well! Tell me what you think of it, and recommend me some songs too, I adore getting to hear new and coolstuff)
Love,
IC
