2

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter Two:

Let Go

Song: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys

If there were an instruction manual on how to run your marriage, I would have had it by now. The woods were dark, but kept me from sight. Edward had been searching for me, calling my name. His voice curled around the trees, till it wrapped like string around the branches, lingering. I had been endlessly walking around after taking a shower to clean Edward off my body. Though my body still held the manly scent he gave off rubbed against me. What was I supposed to do now? I'd yelled at Edward for not giving in to his instincts and just going with it when we'd had sex.

It wasn't my intention to hurt or embarrass him; I was just—burnt out. On the night of our honeymoon he'd been even more careful. It was like settling down into a waterbed, the mattress rippling under you, before caving in almost surrounding you in a wall of mattress. How you could become numb to the feeling of the bed jiggling you as you flipped sides or rolled over.

Edward took one look at my dress before becoming uncomfortable. The locks in his head were churning slowly, revealing that he was still trying to figure out what to do with me exactly. I'd held my breath as he tittered on his feet, hands smoothing out the tight line that had become his mouth.

"Umm, how about I lead?" I said, voice cracking like ice underneath my feet as I did circle around a frozen pond. Was there something wrong with me? Did he just not want to do it at all? I was full of doubt, had been for days. Dreading this night for the one purpose it was meant for—the sex. I'd never done it before.

"No," he sighed fully, loosening his tie before walking into the kitchen. He poured a glass of ice water, taking his shoes and socks off while he was at it. I sat down on the bed, fully intending to just tell him it was okay. We'd find some other time to try at making love.

He stumbled over to me, leaning over the side of the bed as he discarded his shirt and pants—left only in a black and white stripped pair of boxers. My breath caught as I saw his hard-on, dangerously close to where my hand was pressed against the bed to hold me up. The bed wobbled at bit as he crawled over to me, eyes cloudy.

This was not what I thought my first time would be like—hesitant, almost reluctant. I silently wondered if I'd mess up or not be good enough in bed for Edward. He had the capability of going as fast as he pleased, never tiring. I could go fast—I presumed—but I would tire. That was for sure. Edward's fingers did magic with the back of my dress, setting me on the bed so that my entire back was to him. The zipper of my dress crackled like those fun trick noisemakers children were given during the forth of July. Throwing them against the ground awaiting the signature pop that frightened yet excited.

My dress hung loosely to my chest, the fabric settling a few inches from my breasts—no longer holding them in a corset that came to seem more like a straightjacket. Edward stood me up, cold hands sliding across my skin like ice-cold water being splashed upon me. He shimmed me out of my dress, glancing down at me for a second before staring for a good three minutes. I was on the verge of tears by then, dying to know what he was thinking—what he thought of me.

He threw us back on the bed, Edward's boxer no longer present on him but in a heap by the bed. My breathing hitched at the fact that this was the night—I was going to finally loose it (my virginity) after so many years of waiting. Edward used his knee to open my legs, settling himself directly between me—pelvis to pelvis. Thoughts began racing yet as I stared into Edward's eyes, I pushed them away.

There was only a bit of a sharp pain as Edward settled himself deep inside me. It felt weird like being stretched from the inside out. The pain was like the burn in the back of your throat when you drink a cold can of Coke too fast. Though as he moved slowly—a little bit too measured out—I was trying to construct my brain to concentrate on the part that was trying to coordinate my body on what to do instead of the other half that was having the freak out fest of 'oh my god, I'm having sex' chanting.

The surprising thing was that it did feel good—breathe taking. Except Edward was moving too slowly for me to feel that excited and good about it. Taking charge, I shifted our position so that Edward was now sitting with me straddling his lap. Shocked by this change in direction that had come from me, I went at it. Thumping us together as we both lost ourselves.

It was only that night that I could fully say I'd felt close to Edward. For when he'd slipped inside me, I'd felt like he was finally getting past his defenses—finally close to his soul.

The sun was setting when I reached the top of a steep hill. My toes were colored brown from the dirt I'd played in. I sat on a lonely rock, wondering what I was supposed to do now. Edward was still calling me from a distance, branches snapping in his search for me. I wrapped my arms around myself, t-shirt and shorts blowing in the wind that had only picked up the past hour.

The first thing I had to make a decision about was Jasper. Bless his soul; he had tried so hard to talk me into it that day. Begging, pleading, with me to just hear him out and agree without thinking about it. Yet, why did he want to have an affair anyway? He did love Alice. As for their sex lives, well, from what I've heard that's going pretty good too. I just—I did not understand why he was pushing for this.

Was it because I was human? That could have been one reason. He'd never had sex with a human before—making me a rightful target for experimenting. However, I couldn't see Jasper using me just for a one night stand to see what it was like having sex with a warm-blooded human that's scent made his throat burn like a house blazing with fire.

"Bella, how are you holding up?" A voice of bells rang inside my ear, filling my gut with panic that swirled with the intensity of a whirlpool. Slowly drowning her in the process. Digging my fingernails into my thighs till blood rises to the surface to create tiny bruises; I turned to Alice who was staring at me with a graceful smile on her lips.

How could he do this to Alice? I thought, staring at her face in all its brilliance. Then wondered how I'd ever be able to live with myself if I hurt Alice in such a way. How would I even be able to look at her?

Turning away from Alice because it was too much to bear, I answered with a voice that was as clear as the floating cloud above us. "I'm doing okay. Just trying to figure out what I'm going to say to Edward."

"He's searching for you." With that we both heard Edward's rough voice calling out again, this time a bit closer.

"I know. I just—I feel so bad. I shouldn't have said what I did."

"He already forgives you, you know?"

"No, I don't know." I said in denial because if I wasn't messing up one thing it was another.

"Actually Edward feels worse about what happened then you do," she said clearly, getting up to pull me into her embrace. I stiffened, placing my hands at my sides because I no longer deserved the right to be her best friend—her sister.


Sorry it took so long to update! I spent the past four days camping out in the wilderness--where a scorpian attacked me, i gotten eaten alive by bugs, and was mortified by the tiny bathroom in the TINY trailer. Ahh, good times.

READ: For certain purposes i'm writing stories on serious topics that happen in life--ones that need to be stressed over, but i need YOUR HELP! If you've ever had something horrible happen to you or have been through certain things like (examples being; physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse, abandonment, alcoholism, date rape, having cancer or any serious disease, suicide, having been in a shooting...etc.) then let me know. PM me and tell me your story because i'd like to know. Or if you've ever known someone whos been through something (like the above). Come talk to me about it.

This chapter kind of shows you the start of Alice's and Bella's relationship already starting to crumble. :( How sad!

I'd like to thank my beta R.M.J Lennixx who is a big inspiration because i want to be as AWESOME and BRILLANT as she is! I especially love her job as a ninja--i envy her big time! :D

REVIEW please! Let me know how you feel about the story so far, ideas, thoughts, LET ME KNOW! :D

plus, reviews = love!!

-taylorcullenforever