Thank you all so much for your encouraging reviews. Sorry for the delayed update – I was reading 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' and its sequel, and got thoroughly distracted – I couldn't put them down to sleep or work or even (*gasp*) write Mentalist fanfic. Sometimes my priorities get a bit messed up when I find a good book! But here is the next chapter... and it's also long. I think the format I seem to have currently settled on means that the chapters always end up about this length.


The Response

Dr Williams read Jane and Lisbon's journals with a great deal of fascination. She was a little surprised that neither of them had censored her copies before handing them over to her, but was pleased that they seemed to trust her. When she had finished reading, she made a point of putting Lisbon's file in her safe instead of the filing cabinet. Judging from what Jane had written, Lisbon's fears were probably well-founded.

She spent the weekend mulling over her options, before finally deciding that Jane was right – both Lisbon and Jane needed to be pushed before they would confront their emotions. With that in mind, she made her way to Lisbon's office on Monday morning, gesturing to Jane on her way past that she wanted him to follow her. Once in Lisbon's office, she closed the door and eyed them both.

Lisbon and Jane waited apprehensively to hear what it was that she wanted.

"Why don't you both sit down," the doctor said to them kindly. They complied reluctantly. "I know I said I wouldn't talk to you about what you wrote, but I feel the need to make one comment." She paused, choosing her words with care.

"Neither of you seems to be quite aware of how wrapped up in each other you are, but that is what came across more strongly than anything else in what both of you wrote. I realise that you were doing the exercise together and that you both like to deflect focus from yourselves onto someone else, but even given those factors, you are unusually focused on each other. I've done this exercise with many couples over the years, and even most married couples don't centre their writing around each other to the extent you two did."

Jane and Lisbon sat in frozen, shocked silence. Neither of them dared to look anywhere but at Dr Williams.

"I'm telling you this because I think it's time you started to acknowledge to yourselves and to each other just how important you are to each other. Although you mentioned many pertinent emotions, neither of you mentioned the most obvious one, which is the great affection you have for each other. I believe that you need each other and I would like to suggest that you open up to each other more." She stood up to indicate that she'd said her piece.

"I hope this won't affect your journaling," she added, "I don't want you to start second-guessing everything you write and censoring yourselves. Oh, and Agent Lisbon, it is impossible to stray from the point when you're journaling. The idea is to write whatever you're thinking and feeling. There are no limitations or prescriptions." She smiled at them. "Well, I'll see you on Friday when you bring me this week's journaling."

Without waiting for a response, she left the office, carefully shutting the door behind her.

Without quite meeting Lisbon's eyes, Jane said lightly, "So, what did you say about me – since you clearly neglected to mention your abiding passion for me?"

"What did you say about me?"

"I said that I worry about you. And that I wish you'd talk to me." Jane now looked directly into Lisbon's eyes.

"Okay, so we worry about each other. That's perfectly normal. Doesn't mean we're wrapped up in each other," Lisbon said, her voice defensive and a frown creasing her forehead. "So am I to believe that you actually kept a genuine journal which you then handed over to Dr Williams? Or should I disregard everything she just said because you were just messing with her?"

"I wasn't messing with her," Jane said, sensing this was not the moment to grasp at the tempting get-out clause that she was dangling in front of him. "I'm not even sure where she got all that, frankly. I admit that I talked more about you than I did about myself, but I thought that was just a clever diversionary tactic. I didn't think she'd read so much into it, though in retrospect I should have expected it. Shrinks always read too much into everything; it's an occupational hazard."

There was an awkward pause as they both tried to work out what to say next.

"So, can I read your journal now that I know it's all about me?" Jane said, aggravating as ever.

"It's not all about you, and no! Can I read yours since you've admitted that it's all about me?"

"Relationships are all about give and take, Lisbon." Jane said, sagely shaking his head. "If you won't show me yours, I won't show you mine."

That brought an unexpected giggle from Lisbon. Jane raised his eyebrows in surprised amusement.

"Tut, tut, Lisbon. Such a dirty mind."

"And what makes you think I was thinking something dirty? The fact that you think I was says more about you than it does me."

"Believe me, my dear, that naughty giggle of yours speaks volumes."

They smiled at each other, relieved that the awkwardness seemed to have passed.

"We have to be at the courthouse in an hour. Are you going to behave yourself?"

"Well, I don't want to make any rash promises and get your hopes up, but my intentions are pure."

"Hmm, you know the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?"

"I can only do my best, Lisbon. A leopard can't change his spots, you know."

00000

Lisbon's Journal: Week 2, Monday

Okay, so you dropped a bit of a bomb on us today, and it was very awkward for a while there, but we managed to slip back into our old routine almost immediately. We both like our comfort zone. Of course, since you said what you said, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the fact that Jane and I care about each other... quite a lot. I mean, I always knew that, obviously, but it's different hearing someone else say it. So, yeah, I admit that Jane is probably the most important person in my day-to-day life. He certainly takes up the most time. I also admit that it made me pretty happy to hear you say that he feels much the same way. I can't always tell with Jane. He tends to blow hot and cold.

We spent most of the day at the courthouse, which is usually a rather excruciating experience when Jane is involved. But he told me this morning that he'd be on his best behaviour, and he kept his word. The ADA was delighted! So was I. Jane sat next to me and kept me entertained with quips and anecdotes throughout the proceedings, and then managed to get through his testimony without insulting anyone or doing anything outrageous. I think his faithful courthouse fans (several members of the staff included) were rather disappointed. They can usually count on him to liven court up, but today he was as good as gold. I wanted to give him a standing ovation.

We didn't really talk about anything as you seemed to hope we would, but there has definitely been a shift in our relationship. A good shift, I think. Time will tell.

Jane's Journal: Week 2, Monday

First of all, kudos on the clever little read you did on us and how you handled it. Shook things up a bit, which is, I assume, what you were going for.

Although it didn't come as a surprise to hear that Lisbon cares for me, since Lisbon has as good as told me she does (besides which she cares for everyone who comes into her sphere of influence), it was strange to have an uninvolved third party point it out. It somehow makes it more real and serious, and it reminds me that I should be more concerned about having someone investing energy and hope in me. But, unsurprisingly, I'm as selfish as ever – I want Lisbon to care, even though I shouldn't. And I'm now more curious than ever to read her journal.

It goes without saying that I care about Lisbon. How could I not? I did try, of course, not to get attached, but growing attached to people you like and spend a great deal of time with – especially people in whose hands one has to trust one's life (and vice versa) – is inevitable. I've done my best to hold Lisbon at arm's length, but she slips past all my defences. All that passion and intensity and fire and intelligence and humour and charm and beauty... I am a mere mortal, after all.

Jane was fairly certain he was going to be using his black marker to censor Dr Williams' copy this week.

00000

When Lisbon arrived at work the next morning the only person in the bullpen was Jane lying on his couch. He had his eyes closed, but he wasn't asleep. He was thinking about Lisbon. His mouth curved up in a little smile when he heard her approach, and he breathed in her scent happily. Lisbon always smelled so delicious.

Even though his eyes were still shut, Lisbon responded to his smile with one of her own. It was a pleasant feeling to walk into a room and know that someone was so clearly pleased that you were there. Jane suddenly opened his eyes and stood up in one smooth movement. He evidently intended to go wherever she was going.

"So, what are we doing today?" he said by way of a greeting.

"Am I your entertainment committee now?" she replied arching an eyebrow at him.

"Among a multitude of other things," he said. "You, my dear, are extremely entertaining."

Lisbon was starting to feel suspicious. She knew he hadn't read her journal because she always took the precaution of taking it home with her in the evenings, but experience had taught her that when Jane was this happy he was generally up to something she wouldn't approve of. She wondered what he'd done this time. Her eyes narrowed slightly.

"So little faith, Lisbon," Jane said, shaking his head regretfully. "Your suspicions are unfounded. I have done absolutely nothing you could object to all week." He was wearing the expression of a misjudged and sorely tried saint.

"It's Tuesday morning, Jane. So far the week has been one day long – plus however long you've been here this morning."

"Half an hour, Lisbon, and I've done nothing but lie on my couch and think happy thoughts."

"Good for you," she said, a little amused. Jane thinking happy thoughts had something of an incongruous ring to it. She wondered what he'd really been thinking about.

"We could always go and have a heart to heart," Jane suggested, gesturing the way to her office.

"A heart to heart?"

"Yes, as instructed by our shrink. You see, I'm turning over a new leaf this week – listening to authority figures, following instructions and generally being a model employee."

"Yeah, I don't think turning over one leaf will do it. The entire Amazon jungle, maybe."

"Hmm." Jane was now wearing his most annoying 'I know everything and am about to correct your woeful ignorance' expression. "I think the leaf in this context actually refers to a page in a book."

Lisbon gave an irritable humph, and said, "Fine, the entire US Library of Congress then." Did the man really have to pick apart her witty repartee? He really was a bit much sometimes.

"Now stop deflecting, Lisbon, and let's go and have a cosy chat."

Jane thought she definitely seemed lighter today, as though the heavy clouds that had been hanging over her had lifted a little. He knew it had to be because of what Dr Williams had said the day before, and the fact that she was responding so positively both delighted and alarmed him. But they definitely should talk. Even if she resisted and he had to be stubborn about it.

He led the way to her office. She followed him in and dumped her things on a chair before sitting at her desk and starting up her computer. Jane closed the door and sat down opposite her with a look of anticipation on his face.

"So talk, then," Lisbon said, lifting her eyebrows at him challengingly.

Ah, so that's how she was going to play it. Give and take. Fair enough.

"What do you want to know?"

"I want to know what it is that you would say to me if you were dying. You never got around to telling me."

"Your mean right hook might have had something to do with that!" Jane pointed out. He started looking around the office in an exaggerated way.

"What are you looking for?" she said in her 'why do you try my patience with your games, and why do I play along?' tone of voice.

"A deathbed," he said, as though it were obvious. She looked blank. "If I'm going to give a deathbed confession," he explained, "a deathbed seems to be a prerequisite."

She gave him a half exasperated, half amused look.

He grinned. "Okay, fine. I would thank you for having put up with me for so long."

"It has been a challenge," she agreed, but she gave him a completely genuine smile of pleasure which he returned.

"I would also tell you that whatever you might think, I have great respect for you and how you do your job and that I've learned a great deal from working with you. And I'm not talking about boring police stuff here, I'm referring to how you, in particular, work – your compassion, your integrity, your strength, the choices you make. It might not have had any noticeable effect on my behaviour, but I assure you, it affects how I think and see the world."

Lisbon sat and looked at him with big eyes. She had never expected Jane to actually answer her question seriously. She felt quite speechless.

"Your turn," Jane said.

She found her voice to say cautiously, "To tell you what I'd say to you if I was dying?"

"No, to answer a question," Jane said. "You already thought you were dying and you didn't confess anything to me. Quite disappointing really."

"Maybe I just hadn't got around to it yet."

Jane just grunted in reply. He was weighing his options. So many questions, so little chance she'd answer any of them. He didn't want to squander his opportunity. He needed to choose the right question.

He cocked his head on one side and asked, "Are you lonely?" It actually wasn't what he'd intended to ask, but it slipped out of his subconscious while his conscious mind wasn't paying attention.

Lisbon looked at him, a little startled. He held her gaze. He really wanted to know. Lisbon swallowed. He'd been honest with her, so she felt obliged to answer truthfully.

"Sometimes. I like living on my own, but recently I've felt... restless. I'm not content like I used to be. I'm not sure if that's loneliness?"

"That's sadness, Lisbon. You're unhappy, and that affects how you feel about everything else. You can't feel content when you're miserable. It makes you uncomfortable, and that makes you restless. You think that maybe if you were somewhere else, doing something else, the feeling would go away. That's not true, of course, but that's how your body instinctively wants to handle discomfort."

Lisbon looked down at her hands.

"Those feelings do go away eventually, Lisbon."

"Do they, though?" she asked, lifting her head and looking him straight in the eye.

"Yes," he said positively. "They do."

And again something shifted between them. Lisbon smiled at Jane, and it was as if another tendril of the dark cloud hanging over her unravelled and melted away. Jane smiled back.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 2, Tuesday

Jane and I had an actual conversation today. And if I understood him correctly, he said that he's no longer in that place where sadness constantly weighs down his life. I know the sorrow sometimes creeps up and mugs him, but perhaps he's telling the truth that the rest of the time, if he seems happy, that's because he really is happy. Maybe he doesn't brood quite to the extent I thought he did. Maybe there is life after death, after all.

I feel a little overwhelmed. I have to think all this through.

Jane's Journal: Week 2, Tuesday

Because of what happened to me, everyone expects me to be the resident expert on grief and loss. But I know that each person deals with grief differently, so it's often hard to know the right thing to say. Lisbon wanted to know if I'm still bogged down in that restless, hopeless misery of new grief, and the answer is obviously 'no'. I didn't need to tell her that the grief never really goes away – she has enough experience with loss to know that already. So was I lying? Now that I truly analyse how I feel, I realise that I wasn't lying. I'm not miserable. As I said to her recently, it's better to be happy than to be sad. At first I used to pretend to be happy even when I wasn't, but for a while now I haven't needed to act. While I'm often sad, I'm also often happy. I hadn't even really realised it till now.

00000

Lisbon's Journal: Week 2, Wednesday

Last night I went to sleep feeling happy. That hasn't happened in a long time. I was happy because although I've always wanted to believe that Jane wasn't as much of a lost cause as he appeared to be, it wasn't something I had much hope in. And for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful.

We didn't spend much time together today – I had appointments and paperwork; and Jane spent the day dividing his time between sleeping and bothering Van Pelt (Cho and Rigsby were both out most of the day) – but now when I look at him and he seems happy, I feel happy too because I suddenly feel like maybe I'm not just seeing a mask – maybe he really is happy.

Jane's Journal: Week 2, Wednesday

Lisbon is definitely more cheerful today. Even though she was doing lots of dull, irritating chores all day, she was in a good mood. When Lisbon is in a good mood, it puts me in a good mood. Her moods are very contagious. I don't think she has any idea of the effect she has on the rest of us.

00000

Thursday started at the unpleasant hour of 4am. The crime scene was thankfully not a grisly one – in fact, the victim looked like he was asleep and no cause of death was immediately apparent. They all stifled yawns as they set about their work. Jane stood slightly to one side and absorbed all the relevant information about the scene, then he proceeded to watch Lisbon with some amusement. She was very grumpy, and he found a grumpy, sleepy Lisbon somehow very appealing. Perhaps he just always found Lisbon appealing.

She glanced up and caught him watching her. She raised her eyebrows expressively at him, but didn't say anything. Jane just smiled at her and continued to watch her. It made Lisbon feel a little self-conscious, but she tried to ignore him and get on with her work. In an attempt to distract him a little, though, she eventually asked, "Any intuitive leaps to share?"

"He was poisoned and the murderer is a woman," Jane said casually.

Lisbon glared at him. It was too early in the morning for Jane to be such a smartass.

"And you know this how?"

"Just a hunch."

Lisbon took a deep breath and counted to ten in her head. She wondered what number she would be up to by now if she added together all the tens that she'd counted to calm herself down when Jane was annoying her beyond endurance. Had to be in the hundreds of thousands at least. No-one could irritate her quite so adeptly as Jane. He had elevated pushing her buttons to an art form.

After their unreasonably early start, no-one was at their best that day. Jane decided to make up for lost time by going to sleep on his couch the moment they got to the office. Lisbon was tempted to pour a jugful of cold water over him, but managed to restrain herself. She only woke him up (without the assistance of cold water) at 8am when it was time for them to go out and start interviewing people. Sensing her irritation with him, he followed her a little sheepishly.

"You could have come and slept on the couch with me, you know," he said. "It might have put you in a better mood."

"Don't start, Jane. I don't have the energy."

"Just saying. You can't blame me for having a healthy set of boundaries."

Lisbon turned and looked at him as though he had completely lost his marbles.

"Did you just say that you think you have a healthy set of boundaries?" she said in her most disbelieving voice.

"At least I know that when it's dark out, I should be sleeping and not working on things that can wait till later."

"Says the man who will happily sleep all day long in the bright sunshine if he's given the opportunity. Especially when there's work to be done."

"Sleep is very important, Lisbon. You can't be mad at me all day now just because I have the nerve to sleep at work and you don't, but wish you did. People apply different rules to me because I make them. Just because my boundaries are in different places to yours, doesn't mean they're not there."

He looked appealingly at Lisbon. He really didn't want her to be mad at him, especially after they'd been getting on so well that week. Lisbon relented. She always found it hard to stay angry with Jane for any length of time. He was as good at charming her out of her anger as he was at causing the anger in the first place. She sometimes felt like he was a skilful musician and she was his instrument. It was an annoying image.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 2, Thursday

We have another case that started at 4 this morning. I am not a morning person and it put me in a bit of a rotten mood. Jane claimed that the cause of death was poison and that the killer is a woman. Annoyingly, the first part of his guess has been confirmed by the coroner. The second part we're still working on. I don't mind that Jane comes up with these random theories of his, but I really mind when he refuses to tell me why he thinks whatever it is that he thinks. Though, to be fair, when he does tell me, I often think his reasons are just as bizarre as his conclusions. And because he's so very sure of himself, I always hope he'll be wrong. Childish, I know, but he tends to bring that out of people. Maybe because he so often acts like an annoying know-it-all child himself.

He did say something today that gave me pause. He said that people treat him according to a different set of rules because he makes them. After thinking about it, I realised that he's right. I always thought he got away with things because he's so clever and manipulative and... well, his looks don't hurt, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that while those things make it easier for him, there's more to it than that. We do each make the boundaries and rules in our lives which we expect other people to respect. Any person with a strong enough will and sense of self can dictate how they expect to be treated, and other people, by and large, will behave according to those rules. It's the people who don't make rules for themselves who get walked all over. That's why some people make such easy victims.

Jane makes his rules and he honestly doesn't care what other people think. It becomes up to the other person to decide whether they're prepared to accept his rules or not. Some do, some don't. Here at the CBI we've decided to play by his rules in return for his abilities. He gets what he wants and we get what we want (along with a whole lot of things we don't want!).

I'm often angry with him because my rules are clashing with his rules and he wins more often than I do. I always interpreted that as meaning that he cares less than I do – he obviously doesn't define himself by his work the way I do, so losing his job wouldn't have the same affect on him as it would have on me. But maybe it's quite the opposite – maybe it's because he cares more. Not about work and so on, but about who he is and what he's prepared to do and not do. After what happened to him, he's tried to do an about-turn – no more lying about being a psychic and no more chasing after money and fame. He's trying to repudiate the man he was when he caused his family's death. That's why he's such a strange mix of blunt honesty and complex lies; of arrogance and self-flagellation. He's a man in conflict with himself, trying to reconcile the old with the new, and mostly floundering.

Perhaps his real gift is in being able to clearly understand other people's rules and boundaries and therefore knowing exactly where he can and can't go. He knows me and my boundaries. He knows exactly how far he can push me and which buttons to press. It's both frustrating and strangely comforting.

I've just re-read this entry and realised that you're right – the whole thing is about Jane. Dammit.

Jane's Journal: Week 2, Thursday

Lisbon was already halfway through today's entry when I arrived to write my journal. She seems to have plenty to say today. I'm afraid it's not going to reflect well on me. Just to set the record straight, I did absolutely nothing wrong today. I had an opinion (correct, of course) about the murder, which is what they pay me for. Lisbon only got bent out of shape because it was 4 in the morning and the only thing she wanted to be doing right then was sleeping. Then I slept until a decent hour of the morning, which I think is a perfectly acceptable thing to do at 5am when you don't have anything in particular to do. Again, she only got annoyed because that's what she wanted to be doing but didn't have the nerve.

Poor Lisbon, she's so dependent on her job for her self-image – her job has unfortunately become her whole life. It stops her from being as unconventional and creative as I think she really is underneath all her surface devotion to the CBI rule-book. The reason we get along so well is that there is a part of her that revels in being able to be vicariously anarchistic through me. She pretends to be mad when I do something unorthodox, but quite often I can tell that she's either thoroughly enjoying herself or, at the very least, amused and entertained.

Her mood did improve as the day went on. She seemed to be thinking something through. I sincerely hope she's not going to just write it all down and never bother to tell me about it. That would be very frustrating indeed.

00000

The case had become bogged down in an oversupply of facts, which had to be followed up one at a time. Jane, who didn't like doing anything tedious, disappeared to pass the time his own way. Lisbon and her team spent the day diligently working their way through the leads, which yielded only the dubious benefit of enabling them to rule out numerous possible suspects. When Jane returned in the afternoon, Lisbon looked at him sharply.

"And where have you been all day?"

"Out. Thinking."

"And? Do you know who the killer is?"

Regretfully, Jane had to admit that he didn't. He had a few Most Likely Suspects, but didn't know which one had committed the murder.

"Let me guess. You have a plan to flush out the killer?"

Again, Jane had to confess that he had not yet come up with a plan.

"Don't worry, I'll think of something. I'm still mulling over my options."

Lisbon just shrugged.

"Take your time," she said. With a bit of luck the team would come up with some decent evidence first, and they could avoid a crazy Jane plan entirely. She lived in hope.

Jane followed Lisbon to her office.

"Time to do our journals," he said. "It's Friday, remember."

Lisbon looked unenthusiastic, but her journal had already been sitting accusingly on her desk for the last hour and she decided she'd better stop procrastinating. They both sat down and began their entries.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 2, Friday

We haven't made any progress on the case, but at least Jane hasn't done anything crazy yet. Well, I hope he hasn't. He was out all day, so who knows what mischief he's been up to.

I've been in an average sort of mood today. A bit blue, I guess, but not as bad as some days. I've been so preoccupied this week that I haven't really had time to brood about, you know, everything.

And glancing back through the week's journaling, I can see what you were talking about. This is a journal about Jane. For some reason he's easier to talk about than some of the other things that are bothering me. He makes me angry or happy and that's so easy to articulate. The other stuff is... harder. I don't know what to say really, and I try not to think about it. It's so much easier to allow myself to be distracted by Jane. I know it's not a very healthy attitude to take, but it's how I work through things. Will you still sign off my file? Or are you going to make me keep rambling on about Jane until I cave and tell you all my deep, dark secrets?

Jane's Journal: Week 2, Friday

Today the others were doing all that tedious police work that I steer so diligently clear of, so I thought I'd take myself off out of Lisbon's eye-line so as not to annoy her with my indolent presence. We were having a pretty good week up until yesterday, but once Lisbon is on the warpath, it's about as sensible to intentionally irritate her as it is to poke an angry bear with a stick. Which isn't to say I don't sometimes do just that, but I wasn't in the mood to fight with her today.

I decided to go to the park instead, and doze on the grass. The case is as dull as ditchwater, so I'm letting the team have a couple of days head start before I start really applying my mind to it. Sometimes I like to let them feel like they're doing something useful. I didn't want to work today anyway. No doubt Lisbon thought I was off on one of my schemes, but she'd probably be more annoyed if I told her what I was really doing, so I'm just letting her think whatever she wants. She doesn't understand that some days are just too beautiful to be cooped up inside. I shouldn't think she's ever played hooky in her life. One of my missions in life is to get Lisbon to play truant one day. Sounds impossible, I know, but I am a resourceful and determined man! I will find a way. That woman really needs to learn how to have some fun.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I took you at your word about just writing whatever I was thinking 'without prescription or limitation'. As I said originally, chronicling my emotional state would make for very dull reading.

Jane once again took his black marker with him when he and Lisbon went to copy their journal pages. Before he had a chance to start editing, though, Lisbon noticed Dr Williams walking by and, grabbing Jane's copies straight out of the machine, she handed both his and her pages to Dr Williams as she went past. Jane opened his mouth to protest, but Dr Williams had smiled her thanks and hurried off to an appointment before he got the chance.

"Lisbon!" he said, annoyed. "I wanted to edit those first."

"Wasn't it you who said we had to learn to trust someone sometime?"

"I meant you, not me!"

Lisbon suppressed a laugh. Jane really did look thoroughly indignant and ruffled up.

"What did you say that you need to black out so urgently?" she said, playfully making a grab for his journal. Jane hurriedly held it out of her reach.

"Nothing in particular. It's the principle of the thing."

Lisbon rolled her eyes.

"That's a bit rich coming from you! You wouldn't know a principle if it stepped on you."

Jane pretended to look hurt. Lisbon grinned and left him to pout by himself.

She was very curious, though, as to what he wanted to censor so badly. She was fairly sure it was about her. What on earth had he said?

TBC


Next up: Will Lisbon give in to the temptation to read Jane's journal when the opportunity presents itself?