No notes, this being released alongside the prologue.


Episode One: Worth Less Than Worthless Escort


"Alright, listen up. Your first job is to protect some random scientists while they do some random job. There aren't any enemies on that planet, so it'll be easy."
Cunningham, as always, was snobbish about the whole thing, "Well if there's nothing to protect them from, why bother doing it."
O'Neill sighed. "Just do it, okay, because nobody else will."
Cunningham gave in. "Alright fine, but you will be hearing from my superiors."


"This is incredibly boring." Komarkov told his companion, Belliarno, who just nodded. The team was split into three pairs who were guarding different directions. The scientists were doing scientisty stuff. And Komarkov was bored. He had been on his station for half an hour, watching the dunes for something that would never happen.
Then he saw it.
It was a small box, with a lot of wires and some controls. He picked it up. "What does this do?" he asked the scientists.
One of them responded. "It's a subspace transmitter, for contacting Earth and catalyzing plots when combined with supreme idiocy. Here, you can change the channel with this dial, and turn it on like this, and then talk while holding this button down."
Komarkov liked his new toy. He played with the buttons awhile, then decided to do something incredibly stupid. He turned the dial to "Goa'uld Channel, do not use!" and started speaking.
"Hello Goa'uld svoloch. I'm sure you've been having fun with your blyadischa. Tebe pizd'ets, so zavali yebalo and get the yebatsya out of our galaxy. Come and get me, blyad!"
Cunningham was not impressed. "Give me that, you russki moron." He grabbed the transmitter and spoke into it. "Hello, Goa'uld bastard.. I'm sorry if you haven't been told off well enough by that chap, he is inadequate in many ways, and somewhat blinkered. In any case, it's bloody awful down here. Oh yes, you are a horrible alien arsehole. So maybe you should stop faffing around and come down here and get us. Cheerio."
Just then the scientist came up. "Oh no no no! This transmitter is on and it's set to a Goa'uld channel! They probably heard us! What did you say to them?!"
"Oh nothing really, just a friendly greeting," said Cunningham.


About six hours later the spaceship landed. It was just a small Goa'uld cargo ship, landing on the opposite side of the hill. SG-29 was playing card games, and the scientists were busy doing scientist-y stuff so nobody noticed it until it was too late. The Jaffa came and snatched the scientists. Then one of the scientists screamed. SG-29 immediately acted. Or tried to. They tripped over each other as they tried to retreieve their weapons. They managed to get up and raced after the Goa'uld. Cunningham managed to get under the rings as the ship lifted off, pulling poor Hans Schaft with him. He picked up a ring called a Jaffa dropped and the rings activated, putting him and Hans on the ship.


On the ship, Cunningham immediately jumped for cover, again pulling Schaft with him. The Jaffa shot at them with their staff weapons. Cunningham lobbed a grenade at a Jaffa. The Jaffa picked up the grenade, pulled the pin out, and threw it back. Schaft picked up the grenade, unraveled the piece of wire that held the fly-off handle in, and threw the grenade at the Jaffa, where it exploded. The lead Jaffa shouted somethning in Jaffaese and the Jaffa retreated into the front of the ship, taking the scientists with them.
Cunningham turned to Schaft, "You, Kraut, land this ship!"
Schaft gave him a mean look, "It is not that simple, you cannot simply land the ship, not from here."
Cunningham shot him a look back, "Well take it down somehow."
Schaft swore in German and removed a panel from the bulkhead, exposing some crystals. "These are the engine control crystals, I can-"
Cunningham cut him off, pushing him out of the way and shooting the crystals out. The ship began to power down.
Hans began to panic, "The door, they will come in and kill us!"
Cunningham, "Well maybe they shouldn't have left us in here, plot elements like that always work out." He shot out the door controls.
Hans panicked agiain, "You stupid British idiot, we will die in the crash too!"
Sir Basil Cunningham, SAS, was not impressed, "Why didn't you tell me that? I thought shooting out those essential controls for the engines which decelerate the ship would make a nice landing!"
Hans panicked some more, "Schizer! You retard, shooting out the controls will only make the ship crash! And I DID tell you! Now shut up so I can save us both!"
Cunningham decided to be a hero. "Figure it out, I'll go save the scientists."
The ship was beginning to really shake now. "Hurry up Colonel, you only have about 30 seconds!"
Cunningham forced the door open slightly, tossed a grenade in, and waited. After a lot of Jaffaese chattering, there was an explosion. Cunningham forced the door open all the way.
For no real reason, the scientists were alive but the Jaffa were all dead. Cunningham dragged them onto the ring platform, where Hans panicly mashed the buttons on the control panel.


"Look, it's a meteor!" All of SG-29 turned their heads and watched. Two seconds before the "meteor" hit the ground, the rings activated and Hans Scaft and Basil Cunningham appeared, with all three scientists.
"Well that was entertaining, but we better go now. We leave in thirty minutes. My my, I did such a nice job." said Cunningham to the others.


"You wanted to see me, General?" Hans Schaft asked. He was very nervous.

"Yes. According to Colonel Cunningham's official report, he had to drag you from the front compartment onto the rings after fighting twenty Jaffa off with only combat knife. Yet according to your report there were six Jaffa, who retreated to the forward compartment after you threw a grenade at them. Also according to your report, Cunningham shot out the control crystals, in his official report he cleverly hacked the system. Now which one is the truth?"

"I realize this may be hard for you to grasp General," Schaft said, "but Cunningham is a snobbish liar who thinks he is smarter than he really is. His story is not true. He threw a grenade without pulling the pin. He assumed that shooting out the control crystals would simply cause the ship to land. To use British terms, he is 'a daft bodger'"

"Thank you Lieutenant, that will be all. Actually wait. I want you to write a report on Cunningham's performance every mission. I want to know everything that he says, does, even thinks if you can tell me. Understand?"

"Yes sir." With that, Schaft left.


New episode coming soon. If you are sensitive do not search the Russian words. Please review if you liked or hated.