He almost wants to scream to break the silence. Surely anything is better than this. Medbay isn't meant to be this quiet. He of all people knows that. He's in here enough Bones threatens to make him pay rent. The medbay is just not supposed to be this quiet. It's meant to be loud and have people bustling about. But now they seem to be at a stand still, like everyone is afraid to move and like one sound would bring down the whole ship. Of course it already feels like the whole ship should be crashing right now. It feels like the entire universe should be ending. It feels like it already has. At least it does to Jim. It feels like the whole universe has been ripped to shreds and he's sitting here staring at the pieces. Like he is a piece. Maybe even a few of them because he doesn't really feel whole either.
He feels like Sulu is staring a hole into him. He knows he's not trying to. Hikaru is just staring ahead, his face blank. It's just that ahead happens to be somewhere around Jim's stomach. He looks as lost as Jim feels. Uhura is sitting at his side, the one not containing his injured arm so Bones can work, and has both of her hands wrapped around one of Hikaru's. He doesn't seem to notice, or in the very least doesn't seem to care. Jim supposes it's the same for Nyota, she doesn't seem to notice the fact that Pavel's blood is still caked to Hikaru's hands. Coating his shirt. Jim looks down to his own hand, the one with blood smeared about the palm from where he placed his own hand on Chekov's. He wants to pretend this isn't real. He wants to pretend it's some kind of dream, or vision maybe. He doesn't want to believe that he couldn't save the man who came to be something like a little brother, doesn't want to believe that he wasn't even there to say goodbye. But the fact is staring him in the face. Really, the truth is in a body bag on a biobed somewhere behind him.
"Do you want me to go call Ben?"Jim looks up in time to see Sulu shake his head in response to Uhura's question. Shit Jim thinks suddenly he has to explain this to Demora. Demora is seven now. Jim is positive she understands death. 'Fleet kids are more or less trained to be prepared for it. Not that it helps. Jim is well aware of the fact, and so is everyone else, that Pavel was Demora's favorite out of the entire senior crew. He was her godfather for crying out loud. Was. Was. It hurts a little more everytime he thinks of Pavel in the past tense.
"I'm done, Hikaru, you can go whenever you'd like," Bones says. Jim watches him step back, eyes on Sulu, seemingly waiting for a response.
"Can I come back and…" Sulu asks quietly, finishing the sentence by simply flicking his eyes towards the body bag behind Jim. Bones nods, wiping his hands on a towel he had thrown over a nearby chair.
"I'll let everyone know when I'm done."
Jim's stomach drops. The autopsy. Bones is CMO, it's his job.
Sulu nods and stands, withdrawing his hand from Uhura's. She follows his lead, and they leave the medbay together.
Bones begins to walk away, but Jim grabs his hand, standing. "Bones. Wait."
"What?" Bones turns to look at him. He looks so tired.
"You don't have to- I mean… Can't you ask Geoff to do it?" Jim knows that despite the age difference not really being large enough, Bones was closer to a father to Chekov. He knows how much it has to hurt, and doesn't want that to be made worse.
Bones sighs. His whole body seems to sag. "Darlin'-"
"It's Pavel, Bones." Jim's voice cracks.
"It's my job, darlin'. And you and I both know how that kid felt about doctors. You really think he'd trust anyone else?" Bones smiles sadly, rubbing the back of Jim's hand with his thumb. Jim opens his mouth to argue, but can't seem to come up with a rebuttal.
"Okay," he says quietly. He closes his eyes as Bones presses his lips to his forehead briefly. Bones gently pulls his hand away.
"Go see about Hikaru. I don't want either of you alone right now."
Jim nods, opens his eyes and looks at Bones.
"Go, Jim. I'll be okay." he presses another kiss to Jim's forehead before walking away.
Jim doesn't bother to knock when he get to Sulu's quarters. He simply enters the security code and walks in. It's the way it has been for a while.
Hikaru is sitting on the edge of his bed, head hung. Even from a distance Jim can see how hard his hands are shaking.
"Karu."
Sulu looks up. His eyes are glistening again. "I told him I would get him out of there, Jim. I told him he'd be okay," his voice cracks, and Jim feels something shatter inside himself. "He was dying, and I lied to him." Fresh tears follow old tracks down Sulu's face.
Jim walks toward him slowly. He's at a loss of what to do. He's a starship Captain. He's supposed to be able to keep himself and his crew in check at times like these. He can't do either. He supposes Starfleet can't prepare anyone for something like losing Pavel Chekov.
Sulu looks down again, running his hands through his hair. "I couldn't save him, Jim. I should've and I didn't and I'm so sorry." Jim reaches him at the end of the second sentence, grabs him by his shirt, and hauls him off the bed.
Judging by the fear in his eyes, Sulu must be expecting Jim to hit him. Jim wants to hit something, that's true enough, but Hikaru is so far down on the list that, really, he isn't even on it. Jim releases his shirt, pulls him into a tight hug instead. He feels Hikaru relax against him, and feels the man's whole body shake as he begins to cry again, his head falling to Jim's shoulder.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Jim says, and he is. He wishes he was there to say goodbye. Wishes he was there to try and help. Wishes he was there for Hikaru. But he wasn't, and he is truly sorry. It was his idea to split, it was an effort to get the group of natives to split. It had worked, but maybe if he hadn't suggested it…
"It's okay, Jim. It's not your fault."
"It's not yours either, Hikaru." Jim gets no response to his statement. "Hikaru."
"I was the only one there, Jim, the only one that stood a chance at saving him and I didn't."
They stand there in near silence. Occasionally Hikaru sniffles, or his breath catches again, but other than that it's silent. Hikaru has wrapped his good arm around Jim, gripping the back his shirt. Jim says nothing, and doesn't move either. He can't seem to figure out what he should be doing. He has relied on his instincts his whole life, and now he has none. He's lost crewman before, it's nothing new. But none of them have been on his senior crew. None of them have been Chekov.
Hikaru draws away first. Jim lets his arms fall away and back to his sides. "What now?" Hikaru asks quietly.
"I…. I don't know."
"We're going to have to write reports, aren't we?"
"Yeah."
"Fuck."
"I never thought it would be him first." The words fall from his mouth before he even realizes that he's speaking instead of thinking. He continues, though now more aware of what he's doing. "I thought it would be me. Maybe Spock, selfless bastard. But not Chekov." Hikaru is staring at him again, though the lost look is more hidden. It's hard to place the look on his face now. To Jim's surprise, he lets out a low, wry chuckle.
"Kid got sick every other week in the academy and you didn't think it would be him? Even besides that, he was starting to take after you, wasn't he?" Jim tries to smile, but whatever comes across his face feels nothing like a real and true smile.
"Yeah, he was."
There's a short silence before Sulu speaks again. "It feels fake. It's real and I know it is but… I feel like I'm just sitting back and watching some dream unfold." he pauses, and looks at his hands. They're still shaking. Still red with blood. He looks to his shirt next, which is no longer gold, instead somewhere in a mix of dark mud and blood. "I feel like if I make this go away, if I take the shirt off then… then I'm admitting it's real. And then today turns into another day on the calendar and it's not because damn it, Jim, I just lost my best friend and I don't even know how to feel other than feeling he deserves better than that." He's rambling now, Jim doesn't care, he lets him continue on. "We were the only people he had left in the world and we couldn't…. We couldn't save him, I couldn't save him. He deserved better than that. We didn't deserve him."
Jim is at a loss of what to say. Surely Hikaru's right. They couldn't save Pavel. They didn't deserve him. He deserved better, he deserved people that would always be there to save him. But he needs- needed- that kid. He wants to think himself worthy of Pavel Chekov. But wasn't it his plan that got the man killed? That has to make him devoid of all worthiness. He doesn't know what to think.
"I miss him already and it hasn't even been two hours," is all he can think to say.
