As the hours stretched, Peter lost more and more his awareness. It had been like that for a few days now, even before Thor handed him that bottle of Asgardian mead and even before Rocket took him and the rest of the Guardians out of Wakanda. Before they went back to the Milano, Peter was a mess in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people. Now, he was a mess in a place he knew by heart, surrounded by people who had seen him in a worst state than that.
Mantis had shyly asked him if he wanted her to help him feel better. Even though she promised she wouldn't take his grief away, that she could help him sleep or feel a little better at least, Peter had wanted none of it. Of course, he was grateful that she cared enough to offer to help him, but he didn't want to feel any different. Of course, he wanted Gamora back instead of this grief and pain so powerful he found himself lost and desperate more times than not. But he didn't want his feelings to be reduced or weakened. He was a masochist that way.
He kind of felt like he deserved it. And every time he thought about the last time he saw her, when he was lucid enough, he wondered about all the things he could have done differently. At least, the last thing he said to her was that he loved her, same for her, but somehow, it didn't make him feel any better. True, the last four years with Gamora had been heaven, a true blessing he had contemplated many times and wondered how in the universe he got so lucky. Their story had been full of joy and he knew she loved him, just like he knew she knew he loved her. They had been honest and gave everything they had into this relationship. Still, there were too many things they could have done together, all those possibilities reduced to a figment of his imagination now that his world was gone.
It took him an entire day to muster the courage to enter their quarters, and even then, he asked Groot to come with him. The teen had changed since this whole thing started and since Thanos definitely ruined their lives. Groot was more invested in their team, group, family and now he also showed how much he cared. Of course, Peter had always known how much Groot cared, but ever since he hit puberty, he had become such an obnoxious brat that, as his designated adoptive parents, Peter and Gamora had had trouble dealing with him.
But now, Peter could clearly see that Groot was trying to be strong when he himself couldn't. When Groot had heard about Gamora, he had shut everyone out, not talking to anyone, not even answering. Peter found him later, during their first night in Wakanda, outside the palace, on the edge of that giant field of grass that seemed to surround the whole place along with thick forests. Groot was sitting on the ground and talking softly to some kind of construction that wasn't bigger than Rocket himself. When Peter came to sit next to him, he took a better look at what the teen was doing and realized Groot had made a crown of branches and flowers that stood on its own, almost like an altar. The flowers on the crown were snow white tiger lilies from Nelar, Gamora's favorite flowers. Around them were smaller purple and pink buds looking like miniature roses that reminded Peter of Gamora's hair.
Peter's sobs only matched Groot's that night as they both sat there, looking at the crown of flowers and talking about their feelings like they hadn't in a long time. So it only felt right to Peter to ask Groot to come along with him the day after when he entered their quarters for the first time since her demise. Predictably, Peter broke down as soon as he saw Godslayer on their bed, just where he had left it before they went to Titan after he picked it up on Knowhere.
Still no more aware than five minutes earlier, Peter rose up from his chair, the bottle of Asgardian mead loosely set in his hand, the Zune in the other as he made his way to his former cabin. One of the good things with being back on the Milano was the absence of triggers. Everything on the Quadrant reminded him of her, from her favorite mug, to the training grounds. Hell, their whole quarters were never ending triggers. One glance at her clothes, her polishing tools, even her place on their bed or her smell on their cushions and Peter was sprawled on the ground like a five year old waking up from a nightmare. The only thing on the Milano that reminded him really of her was Godslayer, but ever since that day he walked into their quarters on the Quadrant with Groot, he kept it at his belt, guarding it as preciously as the Zune if not more.
Despite his drunkenness, he made his way to the shared shower, in the hopes of easing the tension that the alcohol couldn't make disappear. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, but maybe he could at least ease his mind a little bit. But as soon as he started rubbing the soap on his skin, he froze.
He had taken only one bath exactly since it all started, right after he was back from the ashes. Because he felt like crap and mostly because he didn't want to look like shit in front of the not-so-gorgeous other Avengers that Thor introduced him to. And he was so out of it, his mind not processing anything for the first few hours that he didn't pay attention to the shower at all. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn't even remember if he used some kind of soap.
Things were different this time around, because he wasn't lucid enough to avoid the shower altogether, but he was aware enough to get triggered by the freaking bubbles. As soon as he saw the transparent shapes form on his arm, he saw his gun pointed to Gamora's face, Thanos' giant purple hand keeping her right in front of him. He had promised and he kept his word, but pressing that trigger had been the most difficult thing he had ever done in his entire life. From that distance, he might as well have blown her head off.
The soap landed on the floor with a light thud and Peter immediately turned the water to full pressure to make the remaining bubbles disappear. Hands pressed against the bathroom tiles, he tried to slow his breathing down. Instead of trying again to lather himself again, he climbed out of the shower, not even bothering to put a towel on. As soon as he found the Zune, he plugged it back to the console and played the second song on that cursed playlist. Because he just had to make her a romantic playlist and he couldn't bring himself to erase it. There was too many emotions, too many memories, good memories, in those songs.
He stepped again back into the shower and glared at the soap on the floor, trying to glare at it with that deadly glare that Gamora sometimes used. "No way I'm letting a bar of soap prevent me from taking a shower" he whispered under his breath. But it was easier said than done. So instead of trying to fight it with sheer will, he let of one his fondest memories crawl back to the front of his eyes as he grabbed the soap. He plugged his nose with the first tissue he could find and began scrubbing with his eyes closed, trusting his muscle memory to take care of the rest.
"But how can your eyes be hungry?" the Gamora from his memory asked as bubbles formed on his chest. He was glad for how loud he had set up the song so it covered the popping of the bubbles. Rocket would already be giving him shit for that if the circumstances were different and he wasn't cutting him some slack. Which Peter appreciated. "Your eyes do not need to eat" the Gamora from his memory continued.
Although she was confused by the lyrics of the song, she smiled as she laid on her back on their bed on the Quadrant, listening to the Zune with Peter sprawled next to her, baby Groot (who looked more like a really small child now) between them.
"It's a saying, it's quite poetic actually. It's when I look at you like this." He wiggled his eyebrows at her before giving her this needy look, full of lust and love and all of the things she just adored to see directed at her. "It's from one of those movies. My mom loved it, all singing and dancing and the love story is just amazing."
"Is it the one called Loose feet?"
Peter chuckled. "It's called Footloose, but no. That one is called Dirty Dancing and my mom saw it, like, five times in theaters when it came out." His smile retreated a bit with his next sentence. "It was actually the last movie she was able to see in theaters before she was too sick. And I've never seen it."
Gamora's hand found its way to his cheek. "If we go back to Earth some day, do you think we could be able to find this movie? Is there a place where there could be, maybe a copy somewhere?"
Peter smiled at that. "I think there is a chance, yeah. We could see it together."
"Then it's decided" she added with a smile and looked at him with equal desire.
"See? Now you're making the hungry eyes…"
"Shut up and kiss me Starlord."
Of course, Peter obliged, but they didn't get to do much more before they realized that Groot was still sitting between them, blissfully ignorant and listening to the music with his eyes closed.
All in all, Peter managed to shower, the memory keeping him distracted enough so that he wouldn't focus on the bubbles, but present enough so he could actually shower. He washed the remaining soap away as quickly as he could before drying himself off. Back in his room a few moments later and all of his senses back, he took the Zune with him and plugged his headphones so he wouldn't bother anyone else for the rest of the night.
And as he closed his eyes, Gamora's face and her hungry eyes were the only thing present behind his eyelids as he fell into a restless sleep, the words of the song dying on his lips.
